random prattles

Hi Miss! Bakit ang tigas ng ulo mo di ba?

Ang sabi mo di mo siya mamimiss, di mo naman matiis?

Ang corny mo minsan. More so, silly, foolish, gullible. Or ****A! Hahahah :D

Inconsistent talaga kasi yun si kuya. Kahit pa gusto ka niya, he won't ever ever change for you.

So well, is it time to let go and look for another? Dami diyan ate, for sure.

So at times like this, hold on to our Maker. For sure, He will lead you to the right man.

And kahit matigas and ulo ko, I'll have faith that  I will find my one true love this 2012.

Me to him: Minsan di ko alam kung bakit nangyayari to. Sabi ko nga kay God, Lord bakit naman ganoon, gusto ko lang naman mahanap yung one true love ko di ba? Pero sige, okay lang, challenge siguro 'to. Kaya keri nalang.

 Him: (laughs as he drives)

If it's not Kuya then for sure there is a guy waiting for me to love him fully and completely, somewhere out there beneath the pale moonlight.. someone's thinking of me.

I gave him the chance, and am still giving him, kahit pwede ngang, AWAT na ehhh!

If he lets this go, ayyyyyy, I'm not the fool again anymore. He won't find someone like me, even if he travels the entire world. Kahit libutin pa niya ang Canada. Hahahaha! (There, I've given a clue) :D

So, let's see what will happen next. As Bo Sanchez quotes it, reconciliation will happen. It did happen to him and me, who knows, we can still have that second chat?

I'm not really hoping though. But if there's a chance, then I'll go grab it too.

**** I miss him though. Kaso hindi sobrang pwedeng ipakita. Kaya dito ko nalang ilalabas lahat. Kapag pwede na, maybe I'll make him read all these and he can just laugh over my craziness. I hope all is well with him. Sigh.... *****

confusionism

Time and again, he always has brought confusion to my life. I always want to give him the benefit of the doubt and chance. And no matter how stupid it may sound, I still yearn for a happy ever after (silly girl here).  I told myself countless times that I will no longer come up with false hopes and expectations, and hopefully this time I'll do it right.

Sometimes I'd like to ask myself or better yet him: "why the hell are you like that? I'm freaking pissed off by your inconsistencies and I just cannot understand why for a man as old as you are, you seemingly do not have a tinge of conviction in your veins! For crying out loud, when will you ever learn to keep a promise?" But of course, that's just me thinking. I was able to blurt out my anger and fume out extremely though, but using different words. It was a success then, I intimidated him, as he said it himself, though that's not my serious intention.

At the end of the day, no matter how I seem to hate him and even if he gives me this irksome feeling deep within my core, I just find it foolish that here I am always ending up giving him the slightest chance and benefit of the doubt. When will I ever learn to let go of such people who seem to have the passion for hurting someone else's feelings? Am I really a born masochist? By the looks of it, I guess I really am.

Dearest Cris, by all means I do know that you will never ever have the chance of reading this as you are definitely not into blogger and social networking; however, for my sake, I'd just like to vent out all the emotions lingering within. I still cannot understand what you are up to this time. Are you back into my life because you wanted friendship, closure, or reconciliation, or you wanted to ask for a second chance? Please tell me, please do not leave me hanging on dead grounds and thin air. And please, for the nth time, do not disappear on me again. I have forgiven you countless times, and I do not know if there's still room for one more, but apparently, my heart is getting tired of it all.

I have to give it to myself too, that I deserve to find my one true love, someone who will never ever dare to take me for granted or treat me as just the second best. I know what I can give when I learn to love, so I rightfully deserve the man who will love and respect me just the same. What you are doing to me is a torture, and every time you fail me, it's as if I am being killed softly. I do not want to die a hundred times while waiting for you, because I want to love wholly and without doubts and fears when the right one comes. I like you though, that was an easy thing to discern and fathom over. I like you, yes, but what I dislike was the way you are knifing and ripping my heart apart, into shattered pieces. I want to be happy too, if it's with you, then well and good. But if you just cannot commit yourself to me, and if you think you can't keep your words, it's alright...dump me. Maybe it's better off that way, than making me dwell on false hopes and believe that things will turn out better even if in reality, they would not.

So if mean what you say, if you are dead serious about this chance. Tell me abruptly and frankly. I am willing to forego and forget all that has happened in the past and start with a blank slate. I just want an honest and sincere answer. Then if it's not, even if it pains me to do so, I will have to let you go.

the feast live!!!

Click this link http://weeklyfeast.com/live/

and be blessed!

ice age 4!!!

I wanna watch this na!

vexed!

We all have days when we are like this!

Pissed :( grawwwrrrrr

innumerable silences

Gone were the twinkling and jingling,

Of sweet nothings and rememberings,

Tides swept of memories

And only bitterness thrives.

The passion (with hatred) rekindles

Fueling till the agony lives on,

Bearing the weight of solitude alone

With the silent whispers deafening the core.

And union with one’s self is the game

Whence haughtiness and contempt arise

Twas none who heard the innermost cries

In the absence of murmurs, she survives.

Until nothingness becomes a cycle

And the seeming apathy remains

But the wailing shadows lurk within

Masked in the mien of terrifying stillness.

single but doubly blessed :)

                Most of the time, I feel I am a wallflower –left unplucked, unappreciated, unnoticed, that even if I disappear, nobody would dare look for me. This is likewise tantamount to being lonely and feeling unloved and worthless – and everyday is a torture specially when you realize the difference of living in a couples’ world, and here you are, single since birth.

                Sure enough, being single in a world surrounded by lovers is both agonizing and terrorizing. Whenever I see couples hold hands, talk softly, and lovingly cuddle each other, jealousy, envy, and self-pity are clothing me. Seeing  all those made me question myself and my worth as a young lady and it also made me feel that I am left behind. I am a certified No Boyfriend Since Birth. Such a shame? Well, it kills. Because of that, I hate Valentine’s day, and even dread celebrating Christmas, as I can feel the coldness of the air.

                I will be a hypocrite if I don’t admit that I would have times that I wake up and wish that I better be dead for I can’t take the loneliness anymore. I’ve been single  and looking for so long and at 22 years old, the pressure of searching for that one is on.  In fact, I am tired of people questioning my singlehood, because in reality, I really do not know why the heck no one seems to love, appreciate, and take me seriously. Am I not attractive enough? Am I not a girlfriend material? For so long, I wallowed myself in tears and my view of the world is so obscure and I feel I am cursed. Good enough, I realized that those were not reasons enough to fret, forever. Hence, I am slowly having a change of heart.

                The transition from being a negatron to being an optimist prime was not a facile pursuit for me. It is indeed a painstaking undertaking, like a bitter pill I have to swallow so I will eventually heal. Slowly, I am trying my very best to change my perspective for I cannot change what’s happening in life, but I can change how I perceive things. Singlehood is not a curse, rather it is a gift to be celebrated because it is the time when one can discover him/herself the best and explore what the world can offer.

                As a young, beautiful, charming, smart, and lovable lady (I claim it), God has granted me a lot of good opportunities in life to know myself better, unleash my potentialities so I can shine in my own and unique way. Indeed, being single is the opportune time for a person to discover oneself and improve on their strengths and work on their weaknesses. Likewise, it is during singlehood when you can be a vagabond and wander around the world so that you can appreciate the beauty of life. Moreover, it is the time when you can gain more friends and enjoy their company and accompanying bliss. Furthermore, it is when you can be with your family, feel their love, caring, and support the most. By being single, you have all the time to work for self-improvement and invest for a better future while being open to the idea of getting to know more people and staying connected, and by spreading yourself and enjoying, you may eventually find your “one true love”.

                The bouts of loneliness may come from time to time, but that is a test of a single person’s character. Whether you are single, in a relationship, or married, we will all experience the feeling of being alone at times, and by being able to topple that feeling when you are single as you are able to see rainbows despite the gloomy skies  signify that you have fortitude to withstand all the hurdles that may come with being in a relationship or being married. Contrary to popular belief, being committed is not a bed of roses. In a relationship, you will have to deal with a person entirely different from you and that entails patience and courage. If a person is not sure of him/herself as a single, then being in a relationship will not guarantee happiness either.

                Therefore, I have learned that as a single lady, I have to learn how to find simple joys in life so I can radiate that positive spirit, make it contagious, so that I can share it with others. If I will just sulk and keep tearing up, then how else can I be happy even if I enter into a relationship? That then would mean that whenever I am confronted with challenges, I will easily give up and whine. This is the perfect time so that I can make myself a precious and priced gem so at the end, I will be sought after and will be coveted. Now is the time to feel complete and certain of my abilities, and not to wait for that someone to complete me and affirm my strengths.

                I have all the time in the world to learn, to sail, to fly, to travel, to have fun, to relax, and to enjoy, and I will make good use of this time for I know a day will come when I cannot do this on my own anymore. Someday soon, I know I will meet my one true love, so I am constantly seeking to be the best and striving to meet more people. Honestly, I feel so blessed because not everyone is given the opportunity to discover herself fully and keep connected to God. As I learn new things about myself every day, I get closer to God as well, and eventually I have learned to be grateful for even the simplest things. True enough, He is making the way for me and perhaps by now He is wrapping the best gift He could ever give me – the right person at the right time. I just have to believe, remain optimistic, and keep the faith – and with all those, I know I will never fail.

                So if there are moments of doubt and when  the feeling of emptiness hovers, I know it won’t last long because God is backing me up. I may be single, but I am blessed, in fact, overwhelmingly, it’s just a matter of appreciating things.  And if I ever get impatient and envious, time and again, I will whisper a prayer and tell myself, be still and know that God is there. Besides, God knows my heart’s desires and with faith, effort, and prayer, I know, one day, I will meet my one true love. By then, I may be thanking God that He somehow delayed my love story compared to others so that I can be the best that I can be – strong, happy, confident, courageous, and prayerful. With God by my side, it is guaranteed, I am on the right track, all the time.

                I so believe. Amen.

between love and frienship

When can you tell that your feelings are already wrong? When you just cannot help but think about him every day and every night, is it still normal or acceptable? Is it still within the norms if thoughts of him intrude even when doing the littlest tasks? Or if it is not, maybe this is what they call “crazy little thing called love.”

                I have long been waiting that I will finally look up to one person with admiration. And when here I am, finally falling to its trap, I felt like I wanted to back-out. Well, it’s not really wrong to admire a person, especially when he has so much good qualities that are really worth admiring. But if it is starting to go beyond simple admiration, then the conflict comes in.

                The more it becomes complicated when the person is a trusted friend. He’s with you most of the time, because you have the same circle of friends. You’re happy that you can see him anytime. You look forward that you will bond with him from time and his simplest acts of kindness can make your day. His littlest actions always paint a smile on your face. The problem there is, you’ll never know if it’s something special or if he’s just doing that because, you are friends, and friends are there through thick and thin. So if that’s the case, you’ll get confused, what’s so special about everything then?

It’s true, when you’re starting to like a person; everything he does for you has magic on it, because love is likewise in the eyes of the person who sees it. Because you like him, you think he likes you as well. That’s the biggest misconception or mistake one can ever make. Setting the boundaries between love and friendship is hard,   but what’s more difficult is to deny and control your feelings, you try so much, but seemingly it’s unstoppable.

Is there really such thing as platonic friendship between a boy and a girl? Well, I think so. It doesn’t really apply to everyone even if most boy-girl friendships end up in relationships. There are still genuine ones. However, why do friends often fall into the trappings of love? Why does it end up going beyond the boundaries? Maybe because friends are friends, and they do know each other well. They get along with each other pretty fine, and friends are the ones you know you can trust, hence, it’s easier to fall for them. If there is an ideal person to love, it’s actually a friend, if it’s for the reason that you wanted to have someone who can stick with you no matter what and will always accept you for who you are and even for who you are not.

But in reality, if I will be given a choice, I will rather not fall for a close friend. Nonetheless, when the heart beats, there’s no stopping to it, until the only thing that you can do is to pray that God will guard your heart, for it’s a matter of losing friendship at the end. And as for me, I don’t want to lose a good friend, because it’s akin to losing your life.

insecurities

Negativities and dark energies

Gnawing thy heart

Obliterating all that was good

The beauty deep within remains unseen.

Questions hang on

Rekindling the doubts that were long kept

The frustrations and agony now heartfelt

And the passion and faith soon vanished.

Waters stream from the eye frenziedly

And the heart tore into millions

Shattered and fragmented was she,

The vision then turns dimmer, hazy.

someday

SOMEDAY

“When someone walks away from you, it’s not the end of your story.

It’s the end of their role in your story.”

                People come and go. At times, due to this, we are intensely perplexed by the seemingly fleetingness of things. It’s true, letting go is always easier said than done.  Acceptance will always be a pain in the neck; nonetheless, it’s still a bitter pill we have to swallow. We are left with no choice.

                Heartbreaks are always terrifying. But when you attach yourself to somebody, there is that chance of getting hurt, whether we like it or not.  However, who would like to fully embrace pain? True enough, it is something all humans dread. Most certainly, it is.

                Even if it sounds so throbbing, we all have to accept life’s reality, that not all people are meant to stay with us forever. Again, people will come and get to know you, and later on leave, sometimes even without warning. We may be left questioning, lingering, wondering, and agonizing but what’s the use? We will shed a bitter tear, only to realize, tearing up may not be worth it.

                Acceptance is always the sure key. I want to use the word forgetting, but acceptance would sound better since it implies that you let go without ill-feelings. Forgetting may suggest totally eradicating that person in your life, up to the point of scrapping even the memories in your head. But how easy it is to accept? Is it still possible? Of course it is, but then again, it’s something that we must do courageously, with willingness that is.

                When people leave we will surely ask ourselves why this sort of things happened. I, too, felt the same way. I lost all the desire to believe in myself and to look forward to what life could still give me. I asked why the world is unfair to me, when all I am ever hoping for is to find my “one true love”. Hearing myself say all those things, I was dumbfounded. But who else will help me cope with the loss but myself? I cannot totally rely on other people. Yes, they are there to guide me, give me pieces of advice, and enlightenment, but it is still me who will do all the working. I have to affirm my belief in myself, be strong, move forward, and carry on. Indeed, there’s wisdom in experiencing hurdles like these. I learned how to be strong amidst travails and to hold on to God, the ONE who will never let me go.

                At this point of my life, I have been through a lot. And I know for sure, that more people will come and go in my life. But should this be a reason for us to be afraid? Knowing how fleeting relationships may last, how else can we find security? Pause for a while, ask, why be clouded with paranoia? If people will leave us, for sure, there are reasons. Reasons that we may not fully understand now, but in HIS time, we will, certainly.

                Some people will come in our lives momentarily. They may be here to open our eyes and perhaps teach us a lesson. Whether we like it or not, others’ role may be to hurt us and make us cry, so that we may be strengthened. And through all the pains, we discover the beauty of pain, seeing that through hurting we will learn to explore, take risks, and even marvel that God has given us much support system from family and friends. As demanding as it may sound, it will still be best not to harbour grudges and bitterness just because a person left a scar in your heart. As martyr as it may sound, but if we embrace bitterness, we are the one losing at the end. Bitterness hinders us to see the beauty that life has yet to offer. Life is wonderful, full of beautiful people and great things that are yet to come. And if we are clouded by the obscure clouds brought by bitterness, we are losing the many marvellous opportunities in life. So why be bitter? Let go, move on, and if things do not work the way we want it to be, accept it. Besides, God will not allow something to happen without a purpose. Something better is in store.

                So if someone broke my heart and will do the same just again, I won’t be bothered. If the same things happen twice and maybe more than, it’s an opportunity for us to learn. For every downfall, the key is to learn the lesson and hopefully be wiser, better, and not to repeat the same mistakes. Problems should not transform us into chicken-hearted individuals, rather as soldiers who are equipped with shields ready for any battle. I am not afraid to face life, and in the right time, I am ready to love wholeheartedly. It will take time though, I guess. What I will do today is to be more optimistic and embrace all the positivities that at the end I may attract the good energies.

                The universe has its own course. Time will heal all wounds. So if you do experience rejection today, strive to make yourself better. Every day is a chance to learn and discover our self. True, there are so much that we can do.  The challenge is ours for the taking. Despite the pain, is the call of picking up the pieces of life with God’s help, and at the end we will all see and perhaps even conclude, that whatever it was that we experienced, was for the better. We may even find out, it was God’s act of saving us from the wrong one, that of which we will surely be thankful.

                For now, I am accepting the turn-about of things, letting go of the negative thoughts, and moving forward with a joyful heart. God is working through my life, so what could be more better than that? I will rejoice and celebrate because I have thousands of good things in store and a number of opportunities are mine for the taking. Someday, when the right time comes, I will surely find the one who is destined for me. And when that time in my life comes, I will surely thank God for all the heartaches I’ve been through, for by saving me from the wrong one, He lead me to my soul mate. That day I will look forward with hope and anticipation, but in the meantime, I will discover myself first, get to know more people, be of good influence to others, and serve God wholeheartedly. I will meet him when I am most ready. Someday. God knows when, so I  trust HIM, completely.

a wind that comes and goes

What is done has been done for the best

Though the mist in my eyes might suggest

Just a little confusion about what I’ll lose

But if I started over I know I would choose

The same joy the same sadness each step of the way

That fought me and taught me that friends never say

Never say goodbye

- Friends never say goodbye by Elton John

I always love the feeling when the air breezes through and touches my skin. It’s an unending source of solace especially when the heat has been irritating my nerves. However, its gush may not take too long as it may just happen to drop by and suddenly go. When that happened, I feel I’m at lost again, in the midst of the blazing heat, trying to ward-off the rising temperature I’m feeling within.

The same goes for friendship. It will always be our timeless source of solace and refuge that even if there are dark clouds dimming your vision, a friend  can always find a way to make a light shine through. Sometimes, friends themselves bring the light that you need- their comforting laughs,their unending stories, their awkward actions,or senseless jokes will be more than enough to lighten your somber mood. It’s always amazing how friends can make you feel soaring and carefree. Even if you are feasting on the cheapest meal, its always   the most delighting of all as the thought of having someone to share it with adds zest to the apparent simplicity.

However, that wondrous feeling may not last long as not all friendships are guaranteed to last a lifetime. There will be a number of impediments along the way,some of them are even beyond what we can imagine. People and circumstances may undergo sudden alterations for reasons that will be left unbeknown. You may be left perplexed feeling that you seem to not know the same person anymore. Change will then be inevitable and what’s left if the spark is no longer gleaming are the memories you both shared once upon a not-so-long time ago.

New friends will enter the scene and will bring your life to another height, maybe even to the topmost of it. You may have reached the pinnacle and nirvana with them, but it will always come to a point where a soft but striking voice will linger, and that’s the thought of rekindling the seemingly lost friendship. For a moment, you’ll feel you’re torn in between, so you’ll make a way but it will remain always “easier said than done.”

Then there’s another element called “pride.” Hand and hand with it, there goes ones ego. Why should I always be the ones left to do everything? In the midst of this debacle, you’ll feel that life can be so unfair. If people chose to keep a certain distance from you where are we to go? Are we supposed to run after them or simply resign to the relentless truth that not all friendships are meant to be? If you happen to follow the prompt of your conscience, will it be tantamount to salvaging the friendship? Are all friendships really fleeting, swift as the thunder, winged Mercury that will slip and never return?

The test of genuine friendship then is an incorrigible challenge. Indeed, time, distance, space, and change will always be our toughest opponents. People may choose to put you into oblivion and decide to soar life starting anew even if it means not having you, but that does not necessarily entail you’ll bury the memories as well. Friendship is always something worth unearthing and reviving, just as we hope that be it an unequivocal truth that a true friend, even if left behind or set aside (in the meantime) will at all times remain intrinsically undying, for as the Bible puts it, “A friend loveth at all times.” And if you are truly made to be friends, the hands of fate shall work on revitalizing the dwindling friendship. so let the fire of unwavering love and fountain of unceasing forgiveness remain, and someday soon, for all we know, the friendship will stand resurrected, even made better and stronger, till it’s time to say goodbye to the fluttering heat and emptiness that hovers, for the soothing air of friendship is there to cuddle the once profligating soul.

*** For you

a wind that comes and goes

What is done has been done for the best

Though the mist in my eyes might suggest

Just a little confusion about what I’ll lose

But if I started over I know I would choose

The same joy the same sadness each step of the way

That fought me and taught me that friends never say

Never say goodbye

- Friends never say goodbye by Elton John

I always love the feeling when the air breezes through and touches my skin. It’s an unending source of solace especially when the heat has been irritating my nerves. However, its gush may not take too long as it may just happen to drop by and suddenly go. When that happened, I feel I’m at lost again, in the midst of the blazing heat, trying to ward-off the rising temperature I’m feeling within.

The same goes for friendship. It will always be our timeless source of solace and refuge that even if there are dark clouds dimming your vision, a friend  can always find a way to make a light shine through. Sometimes, friends themselves bring the light that you need- their comforting laughs,their unending stories, their awkward actions,or senseless jokes will be more than enough to lighten your somber mood. It’s always amazing how friends can make you feel soaring and carefree. Even if you are feasting on the cheapest meal, its always   the most delighting of all as the thought of having someone to share it with adds zest to the apparent simplicity.

However, that wondrous feeling may not last long as not all friendships are guaranteed to last a lifetime. There will be a number of impediments along the way,some of them are even beyond what we can imagine. People and circumstances may undergo sudden alterations for reasons that will be left unbeknown. You may be left perplexed feeling that you seem to not know the same person anymore. Change will then be inevitable and what’s left if the spark is no longer gleaming are the memories you both shared once upon a not-so-long time ago.

New friends will enter the scene and will bring your life to another height, maybe even to the topmost of it. You may have reached the pinnacle and nirvana with them, but it will always come to a point where a soft but striking voice will linger, and that’s the thought of rekindling the seemingly lost friendship. For a moment, you’ll feel you’re torn in between, so you’ll make a way but it will remain always “easier said than done.”

Then there’s another element called “pride.” Hand and hand with it, there goes ones ego. Why should I always be the ones left to do everything? In the midst of this debacle, you’ll feel that life can be so unfair. If people chose to keep a certain distance from you where are we to go? Are we supposed to run after them or simply resign to the relentless truth that not all friendships are meant to be? If you happen to follow the prompt of your conscience, will it be tantamount to salvaging the friendship? Are all friendships really fleeting, swift as the thunder, winged Mercury that will slip and never return?

The test of genuine friendship then is an incorrigible challenge. Indeed, time, distance, space, and change will always be our toughest opponents. People may choose to put you into oblivion and decide to soar life starting anew even if it means not having you, but that does not necessarily entail you’ll bury the memories as well. Friendship is always something worth unearthing and reviving, just as we hope that be it an unequivocal truth that a true friend, even if left behind or set aside (in the meantime) will at all times remain intrinsically undying, for as the Bible puts it, “A friend loveth at all times.” And if you are truly made to be friends, the hands of fate shall work on revitalizing the dwindling friendship. so let the fire of unwavering love and fountain of unceasing forgiveness remain, and someday soon, for all we know, the friendship will stand resurrected, even made better and stronger, till it’s time to say goodbye to the fluttering heat and emptiness that hovers, for the soothing air of friendship is there to cuddle the once profligating soul.

*** For you

hollow

A mist in a morning

Obstructing a vision so clear

Grayness heightens

And everything in between.

Shadows walk and thread their path

Finding their homes, finding their souls

Retracing memories, through voices that lingers

Still all was asunder, none beyond reach.

The night turns dimmer

And the moon with the clouds

Impedes the radiance it yields

And nothing left for remembering.

Hence turn the tides

Washing up the sands

As they become a single entity

In the vastness of the seas

Still the soul was there

A vagabond in the world of the living

But a dead in the making

Left unrecognized, unknown.

And as the gust of air starts perching

The dreams that once were

To nothingness was driven, then vanished

All the hopes collide, with emptiness it died.

circumstances

When I feel sad I will cry,

Whine, moan, groan

Until all the bitterness is gone.

When I feel happy I will jump

Soar high in the sky and fly

As if tomorrow will never come.

When someone broke my heart

I will be strong and carry on

Despite the nightmarish emotion.

When I fall in love again

I will be better and wiser

And The agony of the past will be over.

pagulan,pighati,pagluha

#### This is a poem I made for the rainy season! Enjoy!

Sa bawat pagpatak ng ulan,

Pagbugso ng hangin

Paglagas ng mga dahon,

Pagkalat ng karimlan,

Habang ang samyo ng hangin

Ay binabalot ng lamig

At ng kalunkutang di maipaliwanag,

Heto ako sa gitna ng ulan…

Nagiisa, nagiisip, umaasa.

Ngunit kahit anong dilim,

At kahit anong lamig

Kahit magisa kong tinatahak

Ang daan sa gitna ng ulan

Ng delubyo kung tawagin ng ilan

Ang dilim at ang lamig ng hangin

Ay perpekto sa king paningin.

Dahil sa gitna ng kahungkagan

At sa bawat pagpatak ng tila butil perlas

O lubid na kaybigat mula sa kalangitan

Samahan pa ng hampas ng hangin

Na itulak ko ma’y di ko maiwasan

Ako’y sasampalin, diwa’y gigisingin

At ang pwersa di ko kayang gupuin

Hanggang sa matakpan nito ang damdaming sinisikil.

Di nga ba sa bawat buhos, hampas, dilim, lamig

Itong aking luha at palahaw ay di na pansin?

Oh anong ganda at aking mga lihim,

Sa gitna ng bagyo, ng hangin, ng ulan,

Kasama nilang nakikimkim?

At sino nga ba ang makakakita,

Sino ba ang makadadama,

Sino ang makadirinig,

Na may isang kaluluwang ligaw tulad ko,

Ang nasasaktan, tumatangis,

Kung ang buhos ng ulan ang kanilang naririnig?

Ano ba ang laban ko sa pwersa na kalikasan?

Ako na isa lamang hamak na nilalang?

Isang tuldok na naligaw dito sa salibutan?

At habang ako’y magisa’t nagmumuni-muni

Di ako takot kahit kulog at kidlat ay nagdudumali

Pagkat sila ang kanlungan ko at kakampi

Tinatago, inaakay, inuunawa ang aking mga hikbi

Inaaring kanila ang aking mga palahaw at pighati

Hanggang sa matapos ag unos, dilim ay mawawala na din,

Mga bakas ng aking luha’y wala man lang nakapansin

Pagkat sinama na sila ng ulan at ng nagkalat na dilim.

beautiful pain

                Pain is a universal language. We all are susceptible to it, just as we are endowed with the capacity to love and to give. No matter how invincible we are, there will always be that moment when you feel like perdition has fallen to your feet. Then we will be left but aghast and marveling at the complexities many facets of man’s heart, that while it is given to us to express our self-less love, it is also there for us to communicate our innermost struggles in various ways: we cry, we spend time on our own, we contemplate on things, we exhaust our exasperation so forth and so on. The power of pain then, though sometimes perplexing and frightening, is totally mystifying.

                For how can we really know life’s beauty and wonders without pain? Life is full of binaries, as in every whiteness, there is blackness – the concept of yin and yang. If life is only joy and happiness, then we can never be made whole and be made strong. We have to weather all storms and feel the excruciating loneliness and pain, for us to realize our ultimate potentials as humans. Just as the tree stands tall after the storm, that’s how humans are supposed to be. Even if the winds struck you and almost take your roots from standing firm on the ground, we have to keep holding on and never let go  of the faith. It may be a painful and terrifying process to go through, but once overcame, a sense of self-fulfillment awaits.

                No one is born to be the ultimate, total, and perfect superhero. All those are just an expression of man’s eagerness to be someone who’s mighty, powerful, and supreme that we can never be. In fact, even heroes, no matter how tough they are, when left alone, still cry and suffer the same problems that ordinary human beings go through. Being apparently strong does not exempt anyone to be pain and problem free. It is an expected ingredient of life’s recipes, making life sometimes bittersweet.

                Thus, if you’re crying over something, let the emotions all flow. Cry, until there’s no more. Be lonely for now, exhaust all the bouts of melancholia, and be your normal self again the day after. Let it all flow, simply let it go. Crying and feeling the pain is not a sign of weakness. Truth is, by doing so, we are being more humane by accepting our limits, because no one is given a perfect life. We all have our faults and our times of defeat. But if you make the most out of every experience, you will even make the most out of yourself, even out of the most downgrading moments.

                Who says our creativities stop when we are most vulnerable to pain? Who says our world will end whenever we are hurt? If the sky is most beautiful because of the stars that shine at a dark night, then this simply implies we can simply dazzle even in our shadowy hour. Know thyself, as one philosopher once stated, and by doing so, you can explore your innermost potentials and let them unleash. Cry and blurt it all out, there will always be an avenue for that. Write a poem, compose a blog entry or a song, get your paint brush and start to draw, cook and satisfy your cravings and hunger, sing and free all the grudges deep within, make a change by helping out those who are in need. Being crestfallen should not hinder us from doing what we can, in fact, it should be a call to be most productive, and only then we could stay we know we are strong, for we know how to manage all the emotions lurking in our heart.

                So the next time you think of pain and other related emotions as something stupid, think again. After all, nothing happens here on earth for a mere coincidence or for mere futility. It maybe just a simple call for action, to let your light and beauty shine, even in the darkest night.

tonight as you sleep

Tonight, as you sleep, I'll watch you

As you lie peacefully on the bed

Let me be on your side

Watching you lying down

Seeing you breathe

Touching and caressing your hair

Feeling the smoothness of your skin

Let me be this close to you

Even just for this night

I'll think and imagine that you are mine

Cause when you wake up

The world will go back to how it is really used to be



Tonight as you sleep

Ill hope that I'll be a part of your dreams

Wishing and praying  fervently that you'll realize I'm here

Though I know that the possibility of that is nil

I'll stare at your angel like and innocent face

Hold it gently and softly, touching that silky and rosy skin

Hunger for your cherry red lips

Longing  for those lips of yours to brush with mine



And tomorrow as you wake up

You'll find me gone

Not because I don't want to be with you as you face the morning

But because I know someone dear to your heart owns you

Someone whom you wanted to spend the rest of your days and life with

Not me

I'll keep the distance, but I'll still be constantly watching you

Hoping that the night when I'm by your side will be forever and always

For that night is my rare chance to be inch closer to you

I felt your wholeness is mine

Even the truth is, you would never be.

wu wei, action in inaction

Wu wei  is an important concept of Taoism (Daoism), that involves knowing when to act and when not to act. Another perspective to this is that "Wu Wei" means natural action - as planets revolve around the sun, they "do" this revolving, but without "doing" it; or as trees grow, they "do", but without "doing". Thus knowing when (and how) to act is not knowledge in the sense that one would think "now" is the right time to do "this", but rather just doing it, doing the natural thing. This Taoist principle or philosophy was really a mystery to me before. I find it ironic though that something will happen without effort or by just allowing nature or the universe to do its course. Only then that I  realized that this philosophy takes maturity for one to fully and totally comprehend and grasp its very essence.

There are a number of things in life which are beyond human control. And when this happens, we can't left but feel small and helpless. During those times, we wish we can just do something to ease the pain or simply forget everything. Whenever I feel that the world never conspires with me, I realized that those are the times when I should just be laid back and just wait for something until it happens. Indeed, there is "action in inaction."  Like when there are things in life that popped all of a sudden, we realize that things seem better when they are unplanned, and if they are systematically and methodically planned, it turns out that they never pushed through. This suggests therefore, that even without us striving hard, the world is providing us with the support and guidance we need.  Thus, we may say that there will come a time when the answers to our questions will be revealed to us, even without doing something in particular.

I guess Wu wei has been applicable to my life a couple of times before. When I was heartbroken and downtrodden, I did not really do something big to ease the pain or put everything into oblivion. I just told myself I have to relax and act normally, better yet, I told myself: charge it to experience. Unbeknownst to me, healing takes place gradually. Nature has took its course by then for eventually, the wounds have healed, the angst is gone, and even if a scar was left I knew that it made a better person out of me. And so I realized by then, we cannot always force life to yield results the way we want it to be. As the Bible puts it "There is a time for everything..." Therefore, the Taoist principle entails waiting and patience, which includes the strength to be still and be in harmony with nature, amidst the chaotic state of our emotions and the hurly-burly world.

Life is still a puzzle piece to me. I am still perplexed why despite my countless efforts, some are still in vain and bound to failure. But being reminded of Wu Wei made me stop questioning life, God's plan, and my purpose. Like a tree standing sturdy, I will allow myself to just grow, and be mature. I should stop struggling and doing excessive and futile effort. Instead, I will be in total harmony with nature and believe that it has the power to bring about the change I want. It takes time and patience, indeed, and just let it be.

Having realized all these things enabled me to be in better terms with myself. Now, I can say that I am in solitude and I learned to handle my emotions better. And if there are still things that's bewildering me, I take a deep breath, relax, slow down and tell myself: "don't worry, the universe will reveal the answers to me, my prayers will be answered, in due time." Life is wonderful enough and it knows when trees should yield fruits; hence, we just have to go with the flow and we can respond perfectly to whatever situations arise. Besides, we have an Almighty God who is in control. He knows what is best.  So instead of wasting our time on extravagant things which may end up worthless, let's pause for a while and think, maybe its time to let everything be spontaneous and natural, and we will end up seeing, that there is still something in doing nothing.

the essence of success

                As we grow older, we will soon realize our priorities in life. Sometimes they change or they remain the same. But as it seems, they change, most of the time.

                Being older may not necessarily mean we are wiser. We may still make random and idiotic acts, for even if we are old, there’s still that child within hoping to come out. As time passes by, we may start to realize thought that things are not as it used to be. It’s either you become so ambitious or you be resigned to the fact that some of the things you want may not happen at all. It will all vary depending on a person’s outlook and perspective. But the second one works most for me.

                I used to be in always dreamy state when I was younger (though categorically speaking, I am still not too old). I always think that I can get the golden pot at the end of the rainbow and I always look forward to stepping on the greener pastures. Back then, I thought, success comes easy to those who work hard for it. At the end though, that’s far from reality. Success comes of course, depending on what’s your perception of the word success.

                What is success then? How do we gauge if we are already that fulfilled one? Does money always count?  If I am well-known, given a high position, and achieved a number of recognition, does that make me qualified as a successful and fulfilled person?

                Before I thought of success as being famous, well-paid, and most looked up to. To my surprise, those words are not the same things I strive for nowadays to be considered successful. True, it feels great and elating if you are the rich and the intelligent (with all those awards and citations, so forth and so on), but it will not always be tantamount to being successful, nor happy. In fact, many people who’ve climbed up the ladder are not truly fulfilled, because they felt that something is missing. Thus, being successful does not guarantee that life will be the nirvana that you always want it to be.

                For what is success if you find life meaningless? What is success if life becomes a habit, a repetition of the things you do? Even if you live life well, if life is hollow and empty, what will I do with success?

                You may argue or agree with me. But as for me, a life that is happy and successful is one in which you find what you loved doing most; you do it with passion and excellence, so that life will be meaningful. In addition to that, life will be made more beautiful, if you spend it with people you love the most. I won’t mind living a simple life if that means I will be able to spend more time with my family, or that will mean finding that person whom I can spend my eternity with. At the end of the day, what is fame or riches if you are left lonely? I will trade all my cards and even give up success if that means I will live life more meaningfully because I have those persons that make my life worth waking up and worth  living.

                Sometimes it’s just so unfair though that we judge a person’s success just by what he/she has achieved in life. If a person has attained recognition, well and good. But we should never ever look down on a person just because he has none of those. If I may be allowed to choose, I’d rather have a simple life where I can do what I want  but still be happy, rather than be famous and rich, but cannot even spare time to do things which will make me live life to the fullest. It’s only the person himself who has the right to say if he has become successful, after having set his priorities and be able to live or to achieve it.

                Thus, I end this with a call to look examine our hearts closely, and listen to the voice that speaks within. Now is not the time to be slaves to what other people may say. We are the masters of our fate, the captain of our souls. No one can ever truly say what will make our life well- lived. Find out what you want to do and to be, and live life according to that goal. No matter how simply that goal of yours maybe, if you followed your heart and feel self-fulfillment, then at the end, it’s a success. We don’t have to compare what we have done with others just to call ourselves successful, it’s all up to you.

                

not a goodbye, but wait for me ... soon

I have to turn my back to you for a while, not because I have given up, but because I felt for the time being, I have been pushing myself too hard.

                For so many years, until I grew tired and lost count, I am in a constant struggle to search for you. Seemingly, no matter how I tried, I end up losing. I just cannot find you, until I came to a conclusion that you may be hiding yourself from me.

                Every day I am getting crazier. And the idea of finding you is already an obsession that devoured my system and entirety. There were times when I no longer think straight, when I am at a lost, and when I cried so hard due to extreme self-pity. I felt the agonizing sadness all the time, and every time I was dumped, ditched, and rejected, I cannot help but feel the world is being so unfair. And so with all that, I grew tired, and I finally decided, I cannot allow myself to totally die.

                Yes, I wanted to live, even if it means not having you around, yet. Not that it means I no longer want to meet you, but in the meantime, it’s best that I learn to value and love myself first. I have experience countless rejections, and every time someone ripped my heart, I felt I was fragmented. Before we meet, I guess I have to make myself whole again, because being in a relationship means having two complete people sharing their totality with one another. I cannot afford to be with you while I feel I am incomplete and shattered, because if that so happens, I may end up losing you. And if that happens, it means I wasted a wondrous chance, our precious love.

                And so don’t ever think my beloved,  that I finally gave up on us. Don’t get me wrong, I am never a coward. But before meeting you, I want that I can completely give myself to you, without hesitations and reservations. I wanted to be fully prepared and I don’t want to spend my time with you while my heart is still clouded with bitterness, fears, angst, and doubts. When the time comes that I feel I am ready to meet you face to face, I promise, I will never let you go, there’s no turning back.

                Having said so, I hope that you can patiently wait for me too, just as I also endured waiting for you, even if sometimes, I thought that it was waiting done in vain. Someday soon, when the flowers are set to bloom, I know destiny will bring us to each other. And whilst the time has not come yet, allow me to grow and discover myself first. I am doing this not only for my own  sake, but for the benefit of us two. So right now, I am pleading darling, endure the pain of waiting, for when I am most ready, I shall run with arms wide open, and we shall meet halfway. From then on, I do hope, eternity will clothe us together, until we will finally spend forever with each other.

love, optimism, gratitude

For years, my image has been like this:
- insecure
- doubtful
- anxious
- melancholic
- easily depressed
- shy
- repressive

Until one day, perhaps after reading some self- help and inspirational books and attending some worship services, my life had this sudden turn-around. A question started to pop in: "What will become of myself if I become this way forever?"

Of course, it would not take long for me to answer the simple question. I simply could not wallow into loneliness and into the "bottomless pit of worthlessness." For if there is someone who should love myself, that's no other person but only me. If I want to feel loved and be loved in return, I should start feeling and giving it first, to myself, for it is true you cannot give what you do not have.

Indeed, change cannot happen overnight. There's no such thing as quick and instant overhauling. Even if our world is fast paced, that's still a myth. Change will happen gradually, and we should not force it to happen. Reflection and introspection should go hand-in-hand with it.

If we want to effect change in our lives, I have learned that we should start to change the way we think of our lives, of ourselves. As quoted, "You do not get what you deserve, but you get WHAT YOU THINK YOU DESERVE." For many years, I dwelt in thinking so lowly of myself. I had very poor self-esteem, doubted my abilities, and potentialities. If not for people affirming the goodness in me, maybe I have long been lost. Sometimes, I even have to be slapped hard and be heart-broken to realize my worth, that I am precious, so I too, deserve the best.

Thus, there is a call for optimism. Life is unfair, true. We have to accept that we cannot have it all. Nonetheless, it should never hinder us to stretch our limits and to do what we think we can. If we allow doubts to cloud our vision, then we are like an airplane close to crushing down. Our mind and the way we think has a very strong impact in our lives. If you feel sad and hopeless, no matter how you feign happiness, it will show. Truth will find it's way out. But think happy thoughts and try to believe in yourself and in God's plan, then life will be stirred towards a better direction, to one that is purpose-driven and purposeful.

And at the end of the day, no matter how many travails and woes we have had, for all the innumerable times we whined and cried, there is one thing that we should not forget: gratitude. We should give thanks. More often than not, we have so many blessings which are left unnoticed and taken for granted because we focus on life's negatives. And so if life is sour for the meantime, relax and take a deep breathe, everything will be alright. Remember that God's Rejection is His way of Redirection. One day, we will realize that God did it for our own good, that of which we could not understand for the time being. So once again, be still, know that there is God, and focus on the goodness in life that surely abounds. The blessings are surely overflowing. I myself realized that God has blessed me indeed with intelligence, a humble-heart, a compassion for others, a caring disposition, a good support system coming from family, schoolmates, and friends. Though there are some things in my life which are not yet here, is that reason for me to fret? Again, instead of being overly sour and bitter, why not give thanks and start to be a blessing to others instead?

Time and again will prove that God created us wonderfully that we can do so much. We are capable of loving, thinking of good things in life and transforming them to actions, and by giving thanks for the blessings we can also be a blessing to others. Let your light shine, unleash your potentials. Even if life gives me lemons, I realized, it's a challenge for me to be strong, spread myself, and share my talents. It's all about me, all about what I can do. If I sit down sulking and embracing negative energies, my life will be shattered and close to perdition. Now that's a futile life surely. And I will never allow that to happen. The choice is mine, and I'll choose what's the best for me, because I know God created me for a purpose and my existence matters.

It took me a while to realize those things but certainly, God is never to late. Now that I have came across these insights, I face everyday with zest, vigor, and enthusiasm knowing that I can do so much and I can change my life from dull and repetitive to meaningful and resolute. My life is headed to a sure direction, I am bouncing God-ward. Nothing can hinder me. It sure is a challenge for nothing comes easy. I have to conquer my fears, assess myself, accept my defeats and weaknesses and work on them, and affirm and improve on my strengths. The next years of my life will surely be one transformative roller coaster ride. But I will take it slowly and surely, and should there be bumps along the way, I will not fear, for God is with me, ready to help me drive along and replace my flat tire. He will give me rest when I am tired of the ride. The road to happiness is indeed tough, but I will take the challenge from this day on, For it takes courage to effect change and to achieve that sense of fulfillment. There will be moments of doubts and restlessness, but with God, there will be no hindrances.

With this, I look forward to see the change within me: I will love, be optimistic, and be grateful. All things are possible, with God.

Amen.