not a goodbye, but wait for me ... soon

I have to turn my back to you for a while, not because I have given up, but because I felt for the time being, I have been pushing myself too hard.

                For so many years, until I grew tired and lost count, I am in a constant struggle to search for you. Seemingly, no matter how I tried, I end up losing. I just cannot find you, until I came to a conclusion that you may be hiding yourself from me.

                Every day I am getting crazier. And the idea of finding you is already an obsession that devoured my system and entirety. There were times when I no longer think straight, when I am at a lost, and when I cried so hard due to extreme self-pity. I felt the agonizing sadness all the time, and every time I was dumped, ditched, and rejected, I cannot help but feel the world is being so unfair. And so with all that, I grew tired, and I finally decided, I cannot allow myself to totally die.

                Yes, I wanted to live, even if it means not having you around, yet. Not that it means I no longer want to meet you, but in the meantime, it’s best that I learn to value and love myself first. I have experience countless rejections, and every time someone ripped my heart, I felt I was fragmented. Before we meet, I guess I have to make myself whole again, because being in a relationship means having two complete people sharing their totality with one another. I cannot afford to be with you while I feel I am incomplete and shattered, because if that so happens, I may end up losing you. And if that happens, it means I wasted a wondrous chance, our precious love.

                And so don’t ever think my beloved,  that I finally gave up on us. Don’t get me wrong, I am never a coward. But before meeting you, I want that I can completely give myself to you, without hesitations and reservations. I wanted to be fully prepared and I don’t want to spend my time with you while my heart is still clouded with bitterness, fears, angst, and doubts. When the time comes that I feel I am ready to meet you face to face, I promise, I will never let you go, there’s no turning back.

                Having said so, I hope that you can patiently wait for me too, just as I also endured waiting for you, even if sometimes, I thought that it was waiting done in vain. Someday soon, when the flowers are set to bloom, I know destiny will bring us to each other. And whilst the time has not come yet, allow me to grow and discover myself first. I am doing this not only for my own  sake, but for the benefit of us two. So right now, I am pleading darling, endure the pain of waiting, for when I am most ready, I shall run with arms wide open, and we shall meet halfway. From then on, I do hope, eternity will clothe us together, until we will finally spend forever with each other.