Tuesday, October 27, 2009

trying to be optimistic

There's always something wrong with me.
I may be a smart, brilliant, intelligent, and ideal daughter and student, but then...there's still something missing.
People admired me for being who I am. Parents want their children to emulate me. For some, they looked up to me as the role model of their children. There was even a neighbor who considers me as her inspiration to pursue harder in her studies. It's quite good. But that's  not where it ends.

It's not enough.

People see me as a superwoman.
They think I'm tough. They admired me for simply being who I am.
I am an achiever for them, and at times, they just wanted to be me. My cousin even said..."it's hard to reach what you already have had achieved. " If that's the case, I should be happy. I should be smiling and jumping with joy right now. I should be proud of myself. However, I am not. I feel that all these....it's not enough to make me happy. It makes me proud of myself at certain points, but there comes a time when I feel I love what I doing, but I am yearning for some changes, for something new to come.

Maybe then, life could be better when it is simpler. The simpler it is, the lesser the hassles and complications. By that, I guess that will make me happier. If only I could turn back time and enjoy life...I will. I feel that I just can't turn back. Jim was right in saying that I am always afraid of what people might think. I'm overly conscious of people's reactions. Could it be because I know people looked up to me as someone worth admiring? Should I blame them for regarding me highly so the pressure is then highly accumulating in my head? I guess so. If not of those...then maybe, I can better live my life the way I wanted it to be. I shouldn't have showed them so much. After all, I am just human. I get hurt and tired.

And so I'm tired of this world. This world where you are at the pillars and there's people counting on you. Or maybe, behind all those people, lies a detractor..a person who is listlessly praying for my downfall, and when that time comes...he/she is gonna laugh so mischievously. I don't know..yes..we can never know. In this dog-eat world, you can never trust anyone. There will always be that person who will end up betraying you, no matter whatever kindness you showed for him/her.

I'm tired of being too ideal. I'm not your ideal girl. I want to come out of this cage. I have my limits. Yes...they should've known. I'm looking for something, no matter what achievement I had right now. I envy people who are happy with their families and all those people who are happy and contented with their special someone. For how many years, I have been constantly trying to improve myself. From the obese girl that I once was, I lost weight. I was really an ugly duckling before, but I'm trying hard to look my very best when I am with people. At times, I feel that it's not already me. I'm putting myself a mask just to please people. I'm putting so much stress and pressure on myself....it's too tedious..but I'm still doing it just because I want to feel the love, care and acceptance, not just of people, not just of friends, but the possibility that there is a man who'll be trapped by cupid. I waited, still waited and waiting up until now.

It has been too long, and the search ...is never successful. My attempts, were all futile. It's true, I can never have the best of both worlds. I may be successful with one, but fail on the other. We cannot conquer everything. So I may have a good career, but love will always be my water-loo...my greatest frustration. I came from a dysfunctional family, and now it seems I can never have my own.  Sometimes, I even envy my parents. They are happy with their own LOVED ONES. While me, I don't even have one, whence I should be the one to have such relationships. That's the irony of the world. But that's life and the thing that I will do last is to blame God. That's too mean of me. I don't want to come a day that because of all my frustrations, that will happen to me.

I know I don't know how to play the game of love. If only there is a course for it, I will surely enroll on it. It seems that all of the persons in the world, I'm the one who has no appeal at all. I'm nerdy, boring and Grade conscious for them. That's all. I'm too kind, conservative, but tell me, is it wrong to do what you think is good? Just because everyone is doing it, am I supposed to go with the flow? Can I not go against the current, and sail my boat in the path that I think is right?  It's a hard decision. You try to be righteous, but at the end, you end up being alone, while all the people are having the time of their life. This is the price I have to pay for being so good....loneliness, and I tell you, it kind of sucks.

I am not so sure how long I can take this situation. I know people are just waiting for the worst things to come. I hope and pray that I still end up doing what I believe is right, and enjoy to the point that I am not off the limits. I know that's possible anyway, but there will always be certain consequences. I hope the Lord will lead my way...I don't want to despair and lose hope. At the end of the day, no matter how strong the frustration and depression, optimism will still prevail and take it's course. If I quit and give in, I will be the one who ends up as the loser. It's not their defeat, it's mine. And unless I'm really insane, I won't allow that to happen. Not now, not never, not when my dreams are almost within my reach. Love will be there, but if there is none...maybe there is something better in store. I'll try to stop and control the tears from welling in my eyes. It will do no good. I will feel better, sooner. And love, I'll just think about that later...if it will just be the hindrance for my dreams...then let there be no love for me at all. I'll trust in God's way and plans. Who knows, I will end up thanking HIM, for he has HIS own plans, and for sure, it will be for my own good.

out of my sanity

I'm gonna make revenge
Now is my chance
You'll regret every single mistake you did

You won't really like me when I'm mad
And it's your fault for making me feel this way
All of you, you make me feel ashamed of myself
I'm a person who is damn no good
Damn no good
Damn no good
And I'm starting to hate who I am.

I'm crazy
I'm crazy
I'm crazy
And I'm proud to be one

still the same him, nothings changed ;(

He's still the same person that I knew.
I think I was right, he refuses to change. Though he said he will, though he said he's going to prove himself.
But then, I say and I can see...he can show goodness one time, then be indifferent the other day.

Right now, I can say we are two different worlds. For two people who have no common interests at all, at what point will they meet? If it's true that opposites attract, then why does that not apply to me?

I guess, it's time for me to broaden my horizons and look for other possible persons I can get to know and mingle with. I don't think that "he's the one." That can't be. He's one heck of a damn liar and a freaking don't deserve a ****ing person like him.

Too bad, I'm kinda stupid to allow myself to fall into his bait. I guess I'm already desperate. Desperate to find my one true love, my fate, my destiny. But the more I searched for it, the more it's nowhere to be found. At the end, I just end up depressed and the more I loathe myself.

This love sick thing will do me no good. I'd rather not entertain this thought anymore. It's better off when my life is all still and quiet. No love life or stuff because it's just giving me heartaches and headaches. I can't find a suitor who takes me seriously. They are all taking me for granted. Maybe I don't deserve anyone. Maybe they think I'm not a girlfriend material. But whatever it is they think of me....all I know is, I'm tired, and if this will always be the case, I think I'm giving up my dream of settling down and finding my one true love.


I was fooled by you
I believed
still believed
till I cried

The road is foggy
The sky gets darker
eversince the day
when you're nowhere to be found

I waited
I stared
Did i just see something?
It was just all false hopes

I was fooled by you
I believed
still believed
and I'm still crying

(my own composition, super duper late post... )


I look at the mirror
I see me
Is that me?
That can't be!

I stare at myself
At the image
I see
Right now
Still I can't believe

I hold the mirror
Stare at the image
Then with a sudden blow
I knocked myself hard

My reflection now
I can't see
I feel the hurt
It's all over me
The mirror's ripped into pieces
and all around me,
there's BLOOD.

untitled post

It's easy to say that I'm over you
easy to say that I hate you
That I'll never talk to you once and for all
Just hearing your name
Is like a curse

But then again, living it up is not as easy as it is
Yes, I must admit
It is always "easier said than done"
Now that once again...
it seems that I'll fall in your arms

As still as the waters can be
allow me to see
let me just wait
For whatever happens, happens.
Let destiny take its course
If we are certainly meant to be

Then If fate finally decides
You'll hear no remonstrations from me
Just acceptance
For now, let's just wait
for things to unfold
in their own time.

your eyes, your love

Your eyes,
as marvelous as it can be
is the mirror of your soul.
It's beauty speaks for yourself
The key to the many mysteries
hidden within.

Your eyes,
is the door to your heart
Looking at it
I can see
I can feel
To whom thine heart beats and longs for

"Thump thump thump"
says the heart .
My own heart breaks
as I listen
to your heart's beat
For you love somebody
and that is not me.

And yes,
I can only  look at your eyes
Marvel and awe at its beauty all day
To admire it, is all I can do.

For to wish that It will just stare
and look at no one
but only me
Is as impossible
as the chance
of having you
and your love.

fly and breakaway

As high as the skies and clouds above
You can spread your wings
You can soar freely
You can fly up into the sky
And conquer the world with that majestic flight.

Here I am, staring at you
awe-inspired by your ability
to wander aimlessly
to reach for the heavens
to be as carefree as you wanted to be.

I marveled at the beauty of thy flight
cause that is something
I can never be
sitting here,
I can only look at you.

And yes, I can only look and wish
That I can fly as high as you can
Then maybe, when I am able to do so
I can finally break away
and find my peace, at long last.

lost in your eyes

LOST IN YOUR EYES (Debbie Gibson)
I get lost, in your eyes
And I feel my spirits rise
And soar like the wind
Is it love that I am in?
I get weak in a glance
Isn't this what's called romance?
And that's what I know
Cause when I'm lost
I can't let go

I don't mind
Not knowing what I'm headed for
You can take me to the skies
It's like being lost in heaven
When (and) I'm lost in your eyes

I just felt
Don't know why
Something is there
We can't deny
Ooh, when I first knew
Was when I first looked at you
And if I
Can't find my way
If salvation
Seems miles away
Oh, I'll be found
When I'm lost in your eyes

(Repeat Chorus)
I get weak in a glance
Isn't this what's called romance
Oh, I'll be found
When I am lost
In your eyes.

nothing in particular

I'm already a certified Blogger!
Now I have a new account and I'm actually regretting why I signed up here quite late.


my head is aching, without no reason in particular.
My heart wanted to burst as well.
I feel so lonely lately.
It feels like my life is heading nowhere.
I feel like I'm gonna die of loneliness and depression.
It seems my life is no good.

I know few people understand me because I seem so mysterious, quiet, shy, and mysterious.
But that's just me! I can't change just because people wanted me to change.
If they can't accept me for who I am right now, then let it be.
"This is me, this is real, I'm exactly who I'm supposed to be now" as a song goes.
I just find it pathetic why people just can't learn to love me.

So I'm a really boring person?
Yes, they say I take life seriously.
And Indeed, I have less chances to enjoy life. 
It's all my fault
my fault
my fault

........I'm helpless