Sunday, August 26, 2012

to mr. CC

Dearest Cris,

I don't know how long we'll be like this. Sometimes because you are hard to reach and you are bombarded with lots of work, it's seemingly (or really) hard to find you. I can feel; however, that you are trying. Maybe there are reasons beyond your control which hinders you to at least communicate with me. Nonetheless, my heart says, despite all the clouds of doubts and worries, that I have to hold on, as this scenario won't really last long. As it is, this is the dry spell of our relationship. I guess, soon the sun will dawn on the two of us and I shall see you again.

So when you are far away from me, I am always praying that God will shield you with His loving arms so that you will be kept safe all the time.  I can feel that it's difficult with you being far, but maybe, they are right in saying that absence makes the heart grow fonder than ever. It takes patience and fortitude though, to endure all these. Apparently, the selfish girl within me is trying to kick in, only that she wants to have you, near her, the very least. But that motive is ultimately self-centered, and a relationship, I so believe, is not merely about oneself, but in giving and taking, and understanding one another.

This time, I'd like to trust that my intuition is finally right. This time, I'd like to believe that you'll never disappear on me for reasons unknown. This time, I hold on to my belief that you are no longer enigmatic. This time, I am firm, that you will never ever fail me again. I trust you, and everyday, I am praying that you will never prove me wrong. I keep the faith, so I hope that you'll do something too. I know you will, I have high hopes. :)

I miss you. And I can't wait for that day when you'll be back. So in the meantime, I'll keep praying that you are fine. I know I'll see you again. Soon. :)

I love you.


I hate to make this a bad vibes Sunday. But...

Ang linaw linaw ng usapan.

Cris gave me his other cellphone number, he told me I can contact that.
I texted and miss-called him. Only to get no, as in zero, response.

Is this what you call a relationship?
Don't get me wrong, I trust him. Something wrong might have happened in work that caused this, but as soon as he read my message, I hope he will do something to explain what went wrong.

Because if this is the scenario all over again, no matter how understanding and patient I am, I will pretty much get tired too.
And though cheating is something farfetched from my mind, my sly and devious mind might justify the action.

I pray that he'll contact soon.

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

love thoughts

I am happy and contented. Life has been a breeze lately. Though there are still things which are lower than my expectations (and my fantasies do not come alive), so far, things are getting better. As I said, we are both trying to work it out. And because he's not aware that this relationship is still not open to the public (hence, kept as a secret), this blog will be my constant confidant. Until such time that I believe I can broadcast it to everyone, I will still keep mum about it.

I am not ashamed of Cris. He's a good guy and I know he's worthy of the love I am giving him. It's just that, when I come out of the open, I just want to be ready and really sure of things. For sure people will ask and interrogate me, especially that it has really been a long time since I was single (in fact since birth). But I really wanted to be sure before everyone knows. In fact, my mom is not aware of it, yet.

Yet, I am indeed happy about the turn-about of things. As for the effort, I can see how he's trying to reach out more (maybe he has learned his lesson). Apparently, he is not your usual or conservative type of guy. I don't think he believes in courtship either. And here I am, a girl who's blinded by the ideal romance stories I've seen on TV, movies, or read in books. But he's just not like that, I know he likes me, and as I see, the moment I gave him that Yes, he's more persistent in proving that he's indeed the right one. It's like a "love me now, and I'll court you forever drama."  And what I really like about the things he just said is that he's willing to wait until such time I'm  ready to love him wholeheartedly. The mutual affection is there. We both like each other. I guess it's him who's more certain that this is love. And he's in no rush to make me feel the same, because he knows or believes, eventually, we will be on the same page.

I can certainly feel that this time, he won't fail me. In fact, it's no longer nerve wracking and the paranoia gets lesser and lesser everyday. I'm happy and contented. I have no regrets that I decided to take a risk, and I hope and pray, that it will always remain this way. I'm willing to do what's right and what's best to make this relationship work. With prayers and faith in God, Cris and I can both make it happen. It may not be the perfect and ideal relationship, but as long as we are both happy and contented, that's all that matters.


Sunday, August 19, 2012

for the effort

Sometimes when you least expect things, that's when good things keep coming your way. And honestly, that's when all of a sudden, the doubts simply fade away. Oh well.

I didn't really expect that he'll do that. Knowing his "now you see me, now you don't" attitude, I know that he can just disappear witthout warning and do this out of his whims. Apparently, people do change, too. My mistake is that I sort of judged him. Then, I was then proven wrong.

I was about to slap myself and laugh hard, but deep inside, I knew I appreciated the effort 100%. After all, it's true that if you really want something/someone, you will by all means exhaust all possible efforts to have it done.

And I am not ungrateful or unappreciative, my heart melts too. I am seem unexpressive, but this time, I'll give it to him, as he deserves it for the good that he did. He had a 100 points from me for that. And this time, I'm quite confident, he won't do the same disappearing act to me, ever again. When he comes back, I will have to tell him how I most certainly appreciate what he did. :) He deserves it, this time. And with all that, who am I not to trust and give him that chance?

It's the littlest and sincerest actions that matters most (and I can feel it this time).


Sunday, August 12, 2012

a hopeful heart :D

Sometimes I can get really paranoid, suspicious, and doubtful. But I am learning everyday as I am confronted with a lot of trials. Again, each day is a learning experience, and I will use each day to get something meaningful so I will eventually grow and mature.

Yes, more often, he does not meet my least expectations, or the very basic things I expect from him. But actually, that does not make me love him less. In fact, because sometimes I do not expect anymore because he can get really disappointing, I am left surprised by some of his actions. Oh well, I am generally easy to please, actually. I hold on to my faith that he has his own ways, and it's just a matter of time. :D

I promised myself that I will do what's best and right for us. I may not be that perfect girl, but I'll make sure I am the right one for him. I may be immature and illogical at times, but that does not mean I care less. In fact, I overwhelmingly care, to the point that I can get paranoid as to his whereabouts, now that I'm getting to know him more. Time is my greatest opponent, and I hate that feeling that we are competing with one another. But I am optimistic that when he finds the time, he'll give it to me too. I just have to have faith and simply trust, while staying open to the possibilities.

And of course, I will never give up. Whenever frustrations kick in, I'll take a deep breathe, calm down, and PRAY. I am lifting up all my worries to HIM. I know that all these happens for a purpose. And when you love someone, you hold on, and never let go. You believe, and never allow doubt to get in the way (even if it's persistent). And because you love, you give your best and do everything to understand.

Yes I know I can do so much for him. Again and again, I pray, he'll have his own ways of doing the same too. I believe in him and I trust in God, things will eventually turn well. I know, in my heart I am sure, it will.


Thursday, August 9, 2012

to my one true love :)

                Waiting for you seems so endless, and my every day’s search with the hope of finding you is a test to my strength of character. But now that you are here with me, I am filled with joy, fulfillment, and gratitude, that I have endured the pains of waiting, that I even increased my faith through constantly praying.

                True, I almost lost all my hope in meeting you. Storms, obstacles, and trials come which really almost shatter my faith and optimism. Thankfully, God is here to back me up and put the broken pieces of me back. Time and again, I will say that those trials mold me into the best person I can ever be, and after withstanding all those, now is the perfect time to be with you.

                My dearest and most beloved, I know that  I am not perfect and I, as human being, have flaws. So thank you for loving me as I am and for constantly believing in me. Together with God, you are my fortress, and I could not get enough of thanking the Lord that He gave me you. Each and every day of my life, I look forward that we will share and complement each other’s  completeness and together we’ll both grow in character and faith. I face each day with zest, vigor, and enthusiasm knowing that I am with someone who is sent to me by God. So I thank you that you chose to love me all the more as days go by, and I say with conviction   that loving you was the best choice I ever made in my entire existence.

                So let me tell you that I love you forever and eternally, and it is a promise I will not tire of saying no matter what happens.  Our relationship will not surely be a bed of roses, there will be rocks that will make us stumble along the way, but I want to tell you that I will keep holding on with you.  When confronted with tough adversities,  we both know  who to turn to, and at the end of the day, He gives us trials  so we will discover more of each other in the process .  Whenever we feel like giving up on each other, let us be mindful of our happy days and the future we plan together so that we will carry on and make our love for each other keep aflame even more.

                Now, I am really contented and overjoyed that we are with each other. My biggest blessing has finally come and I promise to never let you go. Once again, thank you for the love that you are giving me. Deep  inside, I know that I could not ask for more because you are even more than what I have prayed for.  I am joyful each day when we make plans of our future together, which includes the family we’ll be building in God’s perfect time. I am here for you no matter what happens – through thick and thin, rain or shine, sickness and in health, and when we decide to take the next step and finally tie the knot – till death do us part. I love you so much my dear. And now, I most certainly believe, you are indeed worth the wait.

Always and forever loving you,

Ellen Marie <3 nbsp="nbsp" o:p="o:p">

proudly melancholic

Proud to be Melancholic
                I am a cry-baby.  I cry for the simplest, nonsensical, and most trivial reasons. When I watch a dramatic and heart-breaking movie, the tear jerker in me suddenly whoops in. When I read a sad novel, my tears well-up as if it’s a stream. I am an emotional creature. And that makes me exactly me, uniquely made that is.

                I think deeply. I am overly reflective. I dwell on the issues I hear around and see on the TV. I feel extremely aghast and overly concerned when people’s rights are trampled upon. I can easily sympathize and deal with other people’s sufferings and feelings. I am an understanding creature. And sometimes, that’s what makes others use me, to their advantage, sadly.

                Nonetheless, I am aware that my being a melancholic is not really bad after all. I may be deep and reflective, but my ability to listen and be sensitive enables me to be a good listener and to be  a person who can easily relate to anybody.  It’s not that you are an approval addict, it’s just that you know how to care and to simply sympathize, no matter who the person you are with. And I believe, not everyone can do that with ease. I guess, starting today, that is something that I should take pride of.

                Because I reflect and I am a self-confessed deep creature, I am having innumerable realizations and reflections about life from time to time. And because I am better off at expressing thoughts through writing than in communicating them, the pen is my sword and my constant companion. In fact, I can survive even with a book, paper/ notebook, and pen when I am left with nothing to do. Writing is my way of living and breathing, and if that be taken away from me, I wonder how I could ever exist.

                Countless times have proven that I write better and more deeply when I am facing my usual bouts of loneliness. But admittedly, I have to topple that feeling as I cannot wallow on sadness for a lifetime. The good things is, being melancholic enables me to be productive, that my seeming stillness and calmness allows me to express my feelings deep within.  I guess if I am by nature a loud-mouthed mammal, I will not be as good as expressing my feelings through writing. So I would stop dreading my silence, but rather embrace it, and look at it as a personality worthy to be celebrated.

                What I need to work on right now is on how to turn my weakness into strengths. But the fact that I am aware that my being melancholic can lead to oversentimentality and to be overly abused by others is already a good sign that I am aware of the good and bad in me. It is just a matter of time and willingness and for sure, with God’s help, I will be transformed, and eventually there will be a better and improved me.  But no matter what happens, I love who I am. And I am not ashamed that I am born this way. I just have to accept that I am created this way with a purpose. And that purpose I still have to discover each day.

                Now if I feel sad and affected by what I see, hear, and read next time, I will not be ashamed to show how I feel, because that’s me, and nothing can ever change that. I will constantly be a friend who is willing to lend a hand, but is always aware of her limitations. I will inspire others through writing, so that others may also be blessed. I will write how I feel and how I conquer my demons and negative feelings, so that others may learn from my experience. I will listen and be sensitive to others and to God’s message, that I may be able to give meaningful pieces of advice as well.

                From then on, I will live life purposefully because I know who I am and I know what I want to do and to be. I am no longer afraid and I am no longer ashamed. I am proud to be melancholic, because this is how God made me. And I know, I am fearfully an wonderfully made by my creator, and He can never be wrong. 


            No one is born exactly the same as another person, not even twins. We are unique, with no duplicate, just as how each one’s finger print wholly identifies a single person. As the Bible even puts it “I am fearfully and wonderfully made.”

            But despite knowing how God perfectly handcrafted each one with traits that would make us stand out, why is it always hard for us to accept who we are? Why could we just not accept that each person is endowed with both strengths which we can make use of and weaknesses that we can work on? Or better yet, why is it so easy to look at our faults and dwell on them rather than consistently affirm our strengths? Why is there a never-ending comparison: “I wish I was like her,” or “Why am I not given this and that,” or worse, ”Why am I born this way?”

            It is human nature to compare and look for things that they do not possess. But with a closer introspection, we will realize that the way we are created is a manifestation of how wonderful God’s work is.  Simply put, an inventor would not create something which is totally futile or worthless. The first thing he has in mind is how it will be beneficial for everyone, and he makes sure that each part is functional. God works in the same way, as he created all of us with a purpose, that even both our strengths and weaknesses are one.

            For instance, a melancholic person’s strengths are being deep and reflective, but sometimes this can border into shyness and being reserved. Nonetheless, this seeming stillness (as quiet as it may sound) enables a melancholic person to express himself through writing or to different forms of art. The apparently inability to express through words was then an avenue to create a work of art- may it be a story, a poem, a sculpture, or a painting. And that talent when used to the fullest is a perfect stepping stone to be known to the world. Marvelous, isn’t it?
            Therefore, the key to affirming one’s self is to 1) use your uniqueness and 2) work on your weaknesses. If we come to God and allow him to transform us, then we will start thinking less of ourselves. Besides, to God, our weakness is not a great big deal, just as how mothers love their children despite all their failures and shortcomings. We have a God who knows us well, that even the hairs in our head are numbered by Him. So the next time you are in doubt as to the extent of his love for you, be mindful of this song:

                I would not leave you in times of trouble
                We never could have come this far
                I took the good times, I take the bad times
                I’ll take you just the way you are.

            Claim that you are unique, and in God’s eyes, it’s your uniqueness (both the good and the bad) that makes you beautiful. 

Sunday, August 5, 2012

no longer chasing pavements

He's doing it to me again.. time and again! The now you see me now you don't drama of Cris is not getting any better. I mean, it's annoying me, and I felt like I met Mr. Paasa once more.

I guess Edz was right in telling me that he just can't or has no guts to tell right to my face that he really is not into me anymore. And here I am, foolishly and sheepishly waiting for him to just tell me what HE REALLY WANTS. But the hell, I'm not getting any straight answer. How can he tell me he's here for me no matter what and then leave me hanging all of a sudden? The nerve of it all. He seems to lack that total conviction and as usual he's best at breaking all his promises. No, I don't hate him. It's just that I hate what he's doing to me and how he makes me feel. And the more it's dawning on me, the more I realize that I have to wake up from my deep slumber and give him a hard slap on the face. Oh no, as what I have just told him, HE CAN'T MAKE A FOOL OUT OF ME ANYMORE. PLEASE NOT ME!

I missed him just a couple of days. But after this, it's having me more and more pissed of. Honestly, I can't stand it. I need a man who will be there for me, consistently. And that is my number one requirement. Faithfulness matters, in the same way that having constant communication counts. I mean, how can you tell a girl that she's important and then you are no one to be found? Guys, if ever you are reading this, please don't ever do this to any girl. It's vexing and it's a filth to your reputation.

This is what it looks like really. He tells me he wants to include me in his plans, but I guess so judging by the turn-out of things, I am just a pass-time so he can just leave me anytime when he is bound to fly away vavavoom to Canada.

Acceptance is the key. Because of what he's doing, he's not good for me. I don't need a damn closure anymore to know that he's fooling me. The silence is the answer. And if that person loves me, he would not make me feel left out, even just for a minute. Period.

Saturday, August 4, 2012

missing heart

From the bottom of my heart, I just want you to know...

I miss you :(

and I pray that God keep you.

I look forward that I'll see you again.


Magic Mike- an eye candy movie! Channing Tatum, is well... hahahah!
 Not much of a good story though. But, too much to feast on, bwahahahaha

Generously Gracious God

                With the many problems that beset our lives, we usually wonder, “when will the odds be ever be in our favor?”  More often than not, we think the entire mountain is our hurdle when in fact it is just the small rocks that make us stumble along the way. We end up sulking, frustrating, worrying, and even doubting and questioning if God is still on our side.  We think of ourselves as losers.  Truth of the matter is, despite the adversities we are having, the grace of God, as always, abounds.

                Our trials sometimes hinder us to see the grace that God provides. Even waking up each morning is looked upon as a curse rather than a blessing because we are clouded by our weaknesses and our distrustful hearts. But the good news is always there, and that is: God’s grace is sufficient for all of us and that He always loves to take over our weaknesses. When we are weakest, the power of God is strongest and that is also the time when we learn to trust God wholeheartedly, as we likewise learn to humble ourselves.

                Humans are not invincible, nor are we immortals. And by acknowledging our limitations, all the more we will start experiencing grace upon admitting that there are always things in life beyond our control. By then, it will suddenly dawn on us how God’s grace certainly abounds, and with the ability to look at life with light despite the bleakness is already His  way of showing us that He is taking over our lives. So what should we do then? With a Generously Gracious God, we can just let it all happen and relax in His unfailing love.

                Slowly but surely, the moment we start to realize how God’s grace has been lifting us up, we learn to believe that everything is a blessing and everything happens for a reason.  That reason we may not understand now, but someday soon, we will.  Grace is the very heart of God and that is more than enough for us to run the race.  

                Thus,  when you feel that you are failing: let Christ take over, believe that you are always blessed, and you will see that you are always a winner because you have a God who is higher than any other.