Sunday, June 8, 2014

forgetting, letting go, believing

I wonder why you’re so difficult to forget. When I wake up early in the morning, I can’t help but mention your name, that even in the most random moment of all, I still think about you. I know that I should stop nurturing this emotion because it will bring me nowhere else. Still I am lingering, and truth be told, at the back of my mind, I may still be waiting.

I am aware that I can’t change you- you can be proud, insolent, and aloof. You can be headstrong if you want to, because you believe you are not entitled to please anyone, that includes me. Even I am your close friend, you can be brutally honest, and sometimes, I feel that I am being pushed away, too. Your independence and self-reliance is admirable, but at times, it makes me feel that, you don’t need me to be in your life. That even with me out of the picture, you will survive and you won’t even bother look for me. And that feeling hurts, more than you’ll ever know.

Time can tell when I can finally move on. Maybe that day will come when I can just look at you with fondness and I will just smile at myself for all the foolishness I did back then. I can get impatient waiting for that day when I’m finally free from being enslaved to this feeling, but I learned to wait and to not cover up my feelings because it will still resurface no matter I try to hide. For countless times, I tried to hide what I felt, and pretended that I am okay and have moved on even if I’m not. At the end, I’m still the sour loser, because I can fool the world and feign a smile, but I know I can never lie to myself.

And so here I am still, trying to mull over things. Maybe waiting, or trying to contemplate, or convince myself that it is high time that I refocus my thinking, my vision, or my feelings. It may not be you, after all. Because if it’s you, then love could have find its way to me. I tried to wait and to ask for signs, but there’s none. And I have to admit too, I got tired of it all.

Someday, I know I’ll be over you. And so I have learned, that even letting go of someone, takes time. Wounds do not heal easily and heartbreaks are not that easy to mend. When that person had a special place in your heart once upon a time, surely it will be hard to let go. But we should, because in doing so, we pave the way for the right person to claim that space in our heart. I want to let go without ill-feelings, grudges, and bitterness, because even if it was an unrequited love, I know, I should not hate him. After all, love could never be forced. And as the saying goes, it is better to love and lost than never love at all. I tried to fight for what I feel. But if it’s not for me, I should be brave to face the reality.

Perhaps, this is just a test to my patience and character. Who knows, I may be one step closer to that person who’s meant for me? And so I will endure, even if I can feel my heart crashing inside. Even if it means saying goodbye to the person I prayed for and dreamt for so long, I know I have to live and to go on, even if he’s not the one for me. The best is yet to come, my heart whispers, and I know, I should believe that love is just somewhere out there, this time, waiting for me.