Sunday, November 22, 2015

the most fragile thing

Trust is the most fragile thing
That ever exists.
 It’s a glass that you can throw
And instantly shatter into pieces.

These tiny broken pieces
Are a myriad of things and feelings
Of a love hoping to bloom
Of fear that was kept but now unearthed
Of peace that was now disturbed
And of betrayal and agony that now lingers.

A broken trust is paranoia that hovers
And every word, feeling, person is now filtered.
A broken trust can be a dying of a dream
And the hurt person is not what it seems.

For when trust is gone
Promises not kept are now lies
Faith in humanity slowly dies.
Or maybe a day will come that someone tries,
To wipe that cloud of doubt in one’s eyes.

Piece by piece it will be restored
Though not in its original form.
Slowly the heart is bound to open
Till it’s able to trust, again.

Sunday, November 15, 2015

at the moment

"Hi, dear! How are you?"

This is something I have been wanting to ask myself lately.
I know that for the past few days, I have been busy organizing and meeting for an upcoming church outreach activity. It's the best thing to do, to keep myself from overthinking a lot of things.

But when I am at the silence of our home, sometimes, I feel empty.

There's a part of myself, that's yearning for something. I feel that I know what it is, but at the moment, it's out of my grasp, so the only thing to do is wait.

Sometimes, I feel like the tears want to gush from my cheeks. But then my logical self would stop the tears from falling, and tell that I don't need to be such a cry-baby, that I am a grown-up, mature, strong, and wise girl- that I don't have to let my emotions get the hell out of me.

But honestly, I don't know until when I can hold the sadness. The sadness that no one, can ever, never explain.

People would not understand. What do they know, anyway? They feel I am smart, strong, successful. Maybe because I flaunt a smiling and happy countenance, so how would they know?

I have been meeting friends. Lots of friends. I am hugging people that I missed for so long. I have been setting meet-ups with friends I have not seen for quite some time, but at the end, there are things beyond my control.

At the end, I know I have to manage being on my own. I have been trying to enjoy solitude, more so the company of my own self.

Because at the moment, it is the best thing to do.
Even if it pains to wait for a lot of things I have been wishing, praying, and hoping for, I know that if I endured this all, the fruit of waiting will be sweet.

But maybe, just maybe, when I close my eyes and say a fervent and prayer, God will feel the pain in my heart.
And maybe, when I stopped asking, wondering, or cut the longing, will all be given to me.

I am clueless. But not hopeless.
I am afraid. But I won't let the fear get in the way.
Tears are falling, but I won't let them dim my vision.
Yes, I may be sad today, but tomorrow, all will be more than better.

Sunday, November 1, 2015

How To Avoid Jerks and Jerkettes

This October, the FEAST had its series entitled "How To Avoid Jerks and Jerkettes," which I believe is very helpful for singles who are praying and waiting for their "One True Love." The talks each week were entitled "Red Light," "Yellow Light," and "Green Light" respectively. Each topic aims to help singles  1)  look into the red flags or what they should avoid in their potential mate, 2) think of questions they should ask to ensure that they are choosing or marrying the right person, 3) and reflect on questions they should ask themselves once they are sure that they found the one. Though I haven't found my "one true love" at the time I am writing this blog, it sure helped me assess how I am as a person. As was once quoted in the talk "Be the person you want to find." To find the right one, you have to be the right person, too."

I wish I can say that finding love is a breeze. Of course, it never is. I was a jerkette, too, at times, I would confess. Of course, at some points, I think I also had that one who got away, and maybe that person hated me, too. Then, I also met a lot of jerks! Rebound, doormat, or the lady in waiting- name it. It wasn't easy to deal with all those heartaches. Countless times I have wailed on my own and in front of a friend. Though it is such a disappointment to feel that you cannot seem to trust anyone, it simply affirmed that "only God can make me feel complete." Perhaps, the moment I learned to let go of my earthly worries and concerns, and lift them all up to God, they may not completely evaporate into thin air, but God will be in control, and all will be better,

My friend once told me that the moment I stopped questioning myself about love and everything that goes with it, perhaps that person will reveal himself to me (through God and the universe, I guess). And he concluded by saying that I will be thanking Heavens for that imperfect man who is just right for me. But where is he? Have we met? What was he like? That questions I wish to answer right now, but maybe, in the right time. "Lahat sa tamang panahon." It is hard to wait and I can get impatient and frustrated especially when I feel the rejection. I would ask "Am I difficult to deal with?" "Am I high maintenance?" "Am I not attractive or beautiful enough?" or "Am I too smart, ambitious, intimidating?" Then sometimes I would tell myself, maybe I should be more quiet and act dumb. At the end of the day, I got tired of asking myself those questions. Instead of fretting and moping on such concerns, I might as well try to be more productive and attractive. Why not? The world is mine for the taking. Well, I can always practice self-love and care, can't I? Who else will do it for myself? No one, but me. So pardon me, if I may seem too self-proclaiming when I say "I am beautiful, I am amazing, I am loved." It's the best way to counter the doubt I have for myself.

But of course,  the Lord has been good to me. Much to my tantrums and cry-baby moments, He has held my hand tight, and I felt his tight hug countless times. I may not see it yet, but I believe, He is preparing the right one for me. All I can do now is to rest and wait. And as I wait, I shall serve Him and be the best that I can be. I shall continue to bloom as a butterfly and reach for my dreams. God wants me to prosper in this time of waiting, and not just simply aimlessly wander to and fro,

Right now, I honestly feel tired. I feel wearied after having been so good enough yet I still do not see the "light."  And it makes me wonder, why in the world should "good people" be treated this way? Will I still find him? Is there still a person someone out there who will accept and love me, for who I am, warts and all?  At times, I would find myself lackadaisical because I feel I am void of love. It's a phase, I guess. Still, I am trying my best to counter the negativities. I may be on my "alone" stage right now, but someday, I know one day, the right time will come for me, too. And even if it hurts to wait, even if at times, I feel like I am falling apart, I won't be ashamed to cry and to run to God, because I know, He will rescue me.

And when I am in God's arms, He will heal my brokenness and wounded heart. Someday, when I least expect it perhaps. Love will find its way to me. Or that right person will find me.

I will wait with all my heart.
I will see you.