How To Avoid Jerks and Jerkettes

This October, the FEAST had its series entitled "How To Avoid Jerks and Jerkettes," which I believe is very helpful for singles who are praying and waiting for their "One True Love." The talks each week were entitled "Red Light," "Yellow Light," and "Green Light" respectively. Each topic aims to help singles  1)  look into the red flags or what they should avoid in their potential mate, 2) think of questions they should ask to ensure that they are choosing or marrying the right person, 3) and reflect on questions they should ask themselves once they are sure that they found the one. Though I haven't found my "one true love" at the time I am writing this blog, it sure helped me assess how I am as a person. As was once quoted in the talk "Be the person you want to find." To find the right one, you have to be the right person, too."

I wish I can say that finding love is a breeze. Of course, it never is. I was a jerkette, too, at times, I would confess. Of course, at some points, I think I also had that one who got away, and maybe that person hated me, too. Then, I also met a lot of jerks! Rebound, doormat, or the lady in waiting- name it. It wasn't easy to deal with all those heartaches. Countless times I have wailed on my own and in front of a friend. Though it is such a disappointment to feel that you cannot seem to trust anyone, it simply affirmed that "only God can make me feel complete." Perhaps, the moment I learned to let go of my earthly worries and concerns, and lift them all up to God, they may not completely evaporate into thin air, but God will be in control, and all will be better,

My friend once told me that the moment I stopped questioning myself about love and everything that goes with it, perhaps that person will reveal himself to me (through God and the universe, I guess). And he concluded by saying that I will be thanking Heavens for that imperfect man who is just right for me. But where is he? Have we met? What was he like? That questions I wish to answer right now, but maybe, in the right time. "Lahat sa tamang panahon." It is hard to wait and I can get impatient and frustrated especially when I feel the rejection. I would ask "Am I difficult to deal with?" "Am I high maintenance?" "Am I not attractive or beautiful enough?" or "Am I too smart, ambitious, intimidating?" Then sometimes I would tell myself, maybe I should be more quiet and act dumb. At the end of the day, I got tired of asking myself those questions. Instead of fretting and moping on such concerns, I might as well try to be more productive and attractive. Why not? The world is mine for the taking. Well, I can always practice self-love and care, can't I? Who else will do it for myself? No one, but me. So pardon me, if I may seem too self-proclaiming when I say "I am beautiful, I am amazing, I am loved." It's the best way to counter the doubt I have for myself.

But of course,  the Lord has been good to me. Much to my tantrums and cry-baby moments, He has held my hand tight, and I felt his tight hug countless times. I may not see it yet, but I believe, He is preparing the right one for me. All I can do now is to rest and wait. And as I wait, I shall serve Him and be the best that I can be. I shall continue to bloom as a butterfly and reach for my dreams. God wants me to prosper in this time of waiting, and not just simply aimlessly wander to and fro,

Right now, I honestly feel tired. I feel wearied after having been so good enough yet I still do not see the "light."  And it makes me wonder, why in the world should "good people" be treated this way? Will I still find him? Is there still a person someone out there who will accept and love me, for who I am, warts and all?  At times, I would find myself lackadaisical because I feel I am void of love. It's a phase, I guess. Still, I am trying my best to counter the negativities. I may be on my "alone" stage right now, but someday, I know one day, the right time will come for me, too. And even if it hurts to wait, even if at times, I feel like I am falling apart, I won't be ashamed to cry and to run to God, because I know, He will rescue me.

And when I am in God's arms, He will heal my brokenness and wounded heart. Someday, when I least expect it perhaps. Love will find its way to me. Or that right person will find me.

I will wait with all my heart.
I will see you.