There's always something wrong with me.
I may be a smart, brilliant, intelligent, and ideal daughter and student, but then...there's still something missing.
People admired me for being who I am. Parents want their children to emulate me. For some, they looked up to me as the role model of their children. There was even a neighbor who considers me as her inspiration to pursue harder in her studies. It's quite good. But that's not where it ends.
It's not enough.
People see me as a superwoman.
They think I'm tough. They admired me for simply being who I am.
I am an achiever for them, and at times, they just wanted to be me. My cousin even said..."it's hard to reach what you already have had achieved. " If that's the case, I should be happy. I should be smiling and jumping with joy right now. I should be proud of myself. However, I am not. I feel that all these....it's not enough to make me happy. It makes me proud of myself at certain points, but there comes a time when I feel I love what I doing, but I am yearning for some changes, for something new to come.
Maybe then, life could be better when it is simpler. The simpler it is, the lesser the hassles and complications. By that, I guess that will make me happier. If only I could turn back time and enjoy life...I will. I feel that I just can't turn back. Jim was right in saying that I am always afraid of what people might think. I'm overly conscious of people's reactions. Could it be because I know people looked up to me as someone worth admiring? Should I blame them for regarding me highly so the pressure is then highly accumulating in my head? I guess so. If not of those...then maybe, I can better live my life the way I wanted it to be. I shouldn't have showed them so much. After all, I am just human. I get hurt and tired.
And so I'm tired of this world. This world where you are at the pillars and there's people counting on you. Or maybe, behind all those people, lies a detractor..a person who is listlessly praying for my downfall, and when that time comes...he/she is gonna laugh so mischievously. I don't know..yes..we can never know. In this dog-eat world, you can never trust anyone. There will always be that person who will end up betraying you, no matter whatever kindness you showed for him/her.
I'm tired of being too ideal. I'm not your ideal girl. I want to come out of this cage. I have my limits. Yes...they should've known. I'm looking for something, no matter what achievement I had right now. I envy people who are happy with their families and all those people who are happy and contented with their special someone. For how many years, I have been constantly trying to improve myself. From the obese girl that I once was, I lost weight. I was really an ugly duckling before, but I'm trying hard to look my very best when I am with people. At times, I feel that it's not already me. I'm putting myself a mask just to please people. I'm putting so much stress and pressure on myself....it's too tedious..but I'm still doing it just because I want to feel the love, care and acceptance, not just of people, not just of friends, but the possibility that there is a man who'll be trapped by cupid. I waited, still waited and waiting up until now.
It has been too long, and the search ...is never successful. My attempts, were all futile. It's true, I can never have the best of both worlds. I may be successful with one, but fail on the other. We cannot conquer everything. So I may have a good career, but love will always be my water-loo...my greatest frustration. I came from a dysfunctional family, and now it seems I can never have my own. Sometimes, I even envy my parents. They are happy with their own LOVED ONES. While me, I don't even have one, whence I should be the one to have such relationships. That's the irony of the world. But that's life and the thing that I will do last is to blame God. That's too mean of me. I don't want to come a day that because of all my frustrations, that will happen to me.
I know I don't know how to play the game of love. If only there is a course for it, I will surely enroll on it. It seems that all of the persons in the world, I'm the one who has no appeal at all. I'm nerdy, boring and Grade conscious for them. That's all. I'm too kind, conservative, but tell me, is it wrong to do what you think is good? Just because everyone is doing it, am I supposed to go with the flow? Can I not go against the current, and sail my boat in the path that I think is right? It's a hard decision. You try to be righteous, but at the end, you end up being alone, while all the people are having the time of their life. This is the price I have to pay for being so good....loneliness, and I tell you, it kind of sucks.
I am not so sure how long I can take this situation. I know people are just waiting for the worst things to come. I hope and pray that I still end up doing what I believe is right, and enjoy to the point that I am not off the limits. I know that's possible anyway, but there will always be certain consequences. I hope the Lord will lead my way...I don't want to despair and lose hope. At the end of the day, no matter how strong the frustration and depression, optimism will still prevail and take it's course. If I quit and give in, I will be the one who ends up as the loser. It's not their defeat, it's mine. And unless I'm really insane, I won't allow that to happen. Not now, not never, not when my dreams are almost within my reach. Love will be there, but if there is none...maybe there is something better in store. I'll try to stop and control the tears from welling in my eyes. It will do no good. I will feel better, sooner. And love, I'll just think about that later...if it will just be the hindrance for my dreams...then let there be no love for me at all. I'll trust in God's way and plans. Who knows, I will end up thanking HIM, for he has HIS own plans, and for sure, it will be for my own good.
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