berealizations

It's been a while since I last wrote a blog about myself. Hell yeah. I used to do this when I was in college, and as I read my previous blogs, it's basically about one and the same desire, frustrations, irritations, and person. However, that person has been long gone, and moved on (credits:The Script).

We don't have the chance to correspond with each other either. After replacing me for another person, well, yeah, here I am basically, alone in my own universe. It's been 2 years and 8 days since we last met. And I haven't even noticed that it's been that long.

You might ask me if I missed him. Honestly, I did. I had so much tears and regrets. But crying over spilled milk is futile nowadays. I guess I tried my best to move forward and forward. In fact, I am always trying to reinvent myself, but heck, to no avail. I'm still the same boring me, and I presume, no one, as in nobody will ever love me to the fullest (except for God and my parents).

It's been two years. Damn right. Two long years. I've been praying, howling, begging; but I am not blaming God for not giving in to my desires. Sometimes I just like to give up and believe that He has a different plan in store for me. Well, I am thankful enough that I was able to forget the nightmare I have been into two years ago. I almost fell for that person. Gratefully, God did not allow that to happen.

But I am inlove, again. This time, with a different person.



How could that possibly be?
My heart is still beating nonetheless. After all I have been through, my heart still yearns for more.

The problem lies not in falling in love. It's just that I always fall for the wrong person. I don't intend to feel this way for him. It's just that this lovesick thing made me do very stupid things. I hate it that I am the one trying to reach the seemingly unreachable star, and when he seems to approach me when he just needs me, where does that left me? Still and all, here I am waiting. Waiting for him to talk to me, asking God for every possible sign, where maybe, the absence of a sign is also a sign.

The best thing for me to do now is to never tire of improving myself. Not because I want to prove them otherwise, but all for the love of myself. I don't damn need to prove myself all the time to other persons. I am ****ing tired of that. I am one independent person capable of proving myself. And if he doesn't need me in his life now, who am I to assert myself. Now is not the time to stoop low knowing  that it will all be useless. To cut the talk short, officially this October, I realized, I'm letting you go.

We are not the same anymore, of different wavelengths that is. You've grown very much apart from me. In as much I tried to reach out, I know I've so much put the pride aside. I'm always frustrated for the same reason, that YOU CAN NEVER BE MINE. Thus, I'll accept my defeat, and start moving on, again.


For the nth time, somebody, broke my heart again. And after that, I am left with no one (once more) to pick up the broken pieces.