confusionism

Time and again, he always has brought confusion to my life. I always want to give him the benefit of the doubt and chance. And no matter how stupid it may sound, I still yearn for a happy ever after (silly girl here).  I told myself countless times that I will no longer come up with false hopes and expectations, and hopefully this time I'll do it right.

Sometimes I'd like to ask myself or better yet him: "why the hell are you like that? I'm freaking pissed off by your inconsistencies and I just cannot understand why for a man as old as you are, you seemingly do not have a tinge of conviction in your veins! For crying out loud, when will you ever learn to keep a promise?" But of course, that's just me thinking. I was able to blurt out my anger and fume out extremely though, but using different words. It was a success then, I intimidated him, as he said it himself, though that's not my serious intention.

At the end of the day, no matter how I seem to hate him and even if he gives me this irksome feeling deep within my core, I just find it foolish that here I am always ending up giving him the slightest chance and benefit of the doubt. When will I ever learn to let go of such people who seem to have the passion for hurting someone else's feelings? Am I really a born masochist? By the looks of it, I guess I really am.

Dearest Cris, by all means I do know that you will never ever have the chance of reading this as you are definitely not into blogger and social networking; however, for my sake, I'd just like to vent out all the emotions lingering within. I still cannot understand what you are up to this time. Are you back into my life because you wanted friendship, closure, or reconciliation, or you wanted to ask for a second chance? Please tell me, please do not leave me hanging on dead grounds and thin air. And please, for the nth time, do not disappear on me again. I have forgiven you countless times, and I do not know if there's still room for one more, but apparently, my heart is getting tired of it all.

I have to give it to myself too, that I deserve to find my one true love, someone who will never ever dare to take me for granted or treat me as just the second best. I know what I can give when I learn to love, so I rightfully deserve the man who will love and respect me just the same. What you are doing to me is a torture, and every time you fail me, it's as if I am being killed softly. I do not want to die a hundred times while waiting for you, because I want to love wholly and without doubts and fears when the right one comes. I like you though, that was an easy thing to discern and fathom over. I like you, yes, but what I dislike was the way you are knifing and ripping my heart apart, into shattered pieces. I want to be happy too, if it's with you, then well and good. But if you just cannot commit yourself to me, and if you think you can't keep your words, it's alright...dump me. Maybe it's better off that way, than making me dwell on false hopes and believe that things will turn out better even if in reality, they would not.

So if mean what you say, if you are dead serious about this chance. Tell me abruptly and frankly. I am willing to forego and forget all that has happened in the past and start with a blank slate. I just want an honest and sincere answer. Then if it's not, even if it pains me to do so, I will have to let you go.