painful beauty

Growing up, I was never really the beautiful one. I was labeled as brainy, and kind, but never the pretty nor the charming one. I never had a boyfriend wayback in highschool and college. And guys seem not to see me as someone who they will pursue. I was barely told I was beautiful back then. Hence, I really have a low self-esteem and self-worth.

But years passed and I learned that I can also do something to improve myself. Yes I am smart and kind, but I can also be attractive physically. And so I did learn to work-out and deprive myself of the goodness of food. I also learned to ditch the goody-too-shoes and wholesome kind of dresses. I learned to wear shorts and skirts, sleeveless tops and dresses, low back dresses and blouses so that I might be noticed. I learned to color my hair and apply make-up properly. Thus, I became more presentable, and people started complimenting me as beautiful, pretty, and lovely. I was a flower in full-bloom, from an ugly duckling to a beautiful swan. Yes, I said goodbye to my overweight and ugly self. Finally, I am considered beautiful by most people I met, and some would even say that I am a Maggie Wilson look alike.

Hearing compliments from the people around is really a boost to my ego. Yet, let me tell you that the journey towards this destination is not easy. My body is really on the chubby side so whenever I eat a little too much, I would easily gain weight. And people can easily notice that, too. I have big legs and flabby arms, which is so hard to make firm and smaller even with working out at the gym. Even if I am way too thinner compared to my 38 inches waistline when I was still in high school, I still see myself as “fat.” And I still feel lonely too, especially when people would ask me the status of my love life. Why, that even if I am beautiful as people may say, guys take no interest in me? Then will come the succeeding questions/ remarks/ comments that maybe I speak too much English whenever I am dating, or I have such skyrocketing and impossible standards, that maybe I don’t go out more often, or I am snobbish and hard to please. And in the middle of all those, I can’t help but cry deep inside. Because I know that those are not true. Because I know, that I am doing my best, too, to meet more people, friends, and I am trying to learn new skills so that I will spread myself and not be confined in the comforts of my workplace and home.

Much as I don’t live to please everyone, I get hurt too getting all those from people I meet. Don’t they know that I try to workout atleast 3-4 days a week, with a minimum of 1 ½ hour and maximum of 3 hours? Don’t they know that I barely eat junkfoods, fastfood, pork, beef and rice anymore, because I am afraid to gain weight? Don’t they know that depriving myself of food to eat is killing me already, and whenever I hear people’s remarks about my body parts (legs, arms) and weight, I get shivers and I feel like bursting? When will I stop pushing myself? When will they finally be happy that and tell me that “hey, you just look good and stop dieting “?

Let me just tell you, I get tired, too. I get tired of working out, but I have to go out of my comfort zone and lift all the weights and run in the treadmill and transport because I want to look good and feel good. And just when I am happy with my work out, I will still hear comments about my legs and arms. I will never be perfect, and I just hope that people will accept others imperfections too. And more so, think of the impact that they will make before they will comment on others appearance and weight. For all you know, that is already the person’s best effort. Like me, 4 days in the gym take much of my time. I will have to sacrifice a lot already, same goes with the food that I have to say goodbye to. And to all those who never seem to run out of remarks regarding my singlehood, let me tell you this: I am not in a hurry to be married off. Yes, I want to get married, have a baby, start that family, but I won’t run after a guy anymore just so someone will like me. I am a grown up woman, now. I know what I want and what I deserve. I deserve to be pursued and courted just like any woman out there. And I deserve a person who will accept me for who I am, despite all my bulges, flabs, big arms and legs, and so on.

It all ends up saying to myself that “I am beautiful, no matter what they say, words can bring me down.” People may question my singlehood for the nth time, or continue to lament at my ever big legs and flabby arms, but it’s me. As long as I am doing something to constantly upgrade and improve myself, I will fear not and dread what others will say. Even if it’s a hurdle,  I have to love and accept myself for who I am and even what I am not. Someday, I know, as cliché as it may sound, a person will come to love me despite all my imperfections. And even without him yet for the time being, I know that someone up there already loves me unconditionally. And I will lift all these pain and struggles to HIM, because He loves me for who I am and He is thinking of ways to bless me, I just have to believe and wait.

waiting for the best version of a dream

What sign are you actually looking for?

Last night, I attended a worship service at a Catholic Community that I'm part of. At the end of the talk, I felt like cold water was poured to my whole body, as a resounding "what sign are you still looking for?" was mentioned by the speaker. I can only mutter to myself "Open my eyes, so that I can see." And indeed, maybe, truly, sadly, I am blinded all along.

It is very heartbreaking if we are stuck on the same chapter of our life. Even if they say the only way to move on is to let go, it is still difficult and sometimes, you still wallow in the pain or the trauma of it all. Yes, we want to move forward, but the fear is there. It is akin to a movie being played inside ones head. As the speaker said "if you are going through something, just pass through it, don't linger there for so long." 

And then I felt I was slapped. Real hard. Maybe my head was even hammered.

Am I lingering for so long, that I have been badly damaged and crippled by this prolonged stay?

Is it keeping me from seeing the beauty and promises of life?

Is that NO still painful for me? Did I really learn to move on or let go?

I have to be honest. Maybe, after all, I am savoring the pain. I felt and looked like I was a big pathetic fool.

Yes. We make mistakes. And forgiving oneself is just so hard.

But I realize, I want to live a happy life.

I want to have a better and brighter future.

I know I have been praying for someone, for so long. I may not exactly get what I wanted.

But I want to prepare myself for God's best version of my dream.

Maybe the first thing to do is to be brutal to myself. There are some things, some person that you cannot have. 

The second thing is to wait. Patiently wait. And believe that a brighter future is in store. 

Yes, it's painful. The many big "NOs" are extremely wounding my heart. Up to the point that it made me doubt myself, my worth, my value as a person.

Still, I have to believe. And I have to act with bold faith. "Faith without works, is dead."

Perhaps, all those rejection will lead to a better place and bring the best person out of me. Maybe someday, in the right time, I will be surprised and be lead to that someone I have been waiting and praying for so long.

I know I have been praying and working hard.

Sometimes, most of the time, I feel like giving up already.

Sometimes, I feel so ugly and even envy the people around me.

In the most random of times, I will see myself crying out of self- pity, and would fail to pray because it just hurts so much.

Dear God, You know my prayers. I open myself to the best version of my dream that You are preparing for me. I still await for the YES that you promise to give in the near future. Please increase my patience. Please help me to be more faithful. I don't want to give up. Not on You, not on my dreams. :)

hello world!

It's been a while since I last wrote a blog here in blogger. And with all honesty, I missed writing so much. There are a lot of sensible things I have been doing lately, which prevented me from overthinking. I'm glad I am more able to manage my emotions and feelings (which include my frustrations and fears). God has really been good to me after all these years. Life is not perfect and there sure are plenty reasons to be happy.

I'm glad I found new friends in our church community. I have been used to attending the FEAST on my own- praying and listening to the talk alone..and it's just so lonesome to do that with no one to share my reflections with. Perhaps all those empty chairs beside me was more than filled as I have three regular FEAST buddies, as I call them, namely Marco, Mike, and Louis (and all boys at that! GRrreattt! :0). Thank you, Lord for introducing me to these Godly Gentlemen. I have new friends which make FEASTING more fun. And we have more gimmik days to look forward to. Whenever I feel sad and lonely, I hope having these new friends will remind me that I am not alone. :)

And because 2014 is the year of changes and breakthroughs, I decided to do something which I never thought I will. I recently enrolled at Slimmers' World and I am happy to say I am enjoying my new routine. In fact, working out has become a new hobby for me. I lift weights, do cardio exercises like the treadmill, transport, crosstrain machine, and use machines for legs and thighs. I hope this will help me maintain a healthy lifestyle, which will eventually lead to a fitter body and to lose weight. :) It's worth the price I paid for and I glad I took that chance.

What's next? I just decided I am trying to learn a new hobby aside from working out, and I just went to several appliances to check a convection oven and electric mixer. It's quite contradictory that I am working out and learning to bake (wishing to lose weight and learn to cook), nevertheless, I am just trying to find ways to make myself happy and to be more productive. I have done researches on easy to bake recipes such as cookies and simple cakes, and I am just so excited. Also, I researched on where I can buy baking ingredients and materials such as pans and measuring cups. I want to start immediately if only I have the money, he he! My mom is even very supportive of this new venture of mine. :) I will share my baking outputs once I started. Hope it will turn out great and I look forward that I will love baking!

Also, just today, our program manager told us to do a self-evaluation as part of the process of regularization. Hmmm, just when I was thinking of leaving, this perhaps is something good to think about. I just hope there will be a salary increase, plus benefits (I am keeping my fingers crossed, pray for me!) I just pray that all will be well should I decide a 100% to stay. God is good, and I believe He will provide.

And I just can't believe that October is going to end so soon. Why do days fly so fast? They just seem so controllable and there's no way of stopping them from passing by. Soon, I'll be turning a year older (I'll be 25 years old this January), and I wish that God will continue to bless me and my family. That I'll be healthy, happy, and that I'll be able to inspire and help more people.

I was just thinking, maybe, God will soon grant that one thing I have been waiting and praying for so long? Who knows, 2015 may be the year.

I will be waiting for you. <3 p="">

let go

*Sometimes we just can't have the love that we always wanted. And in time, even if it hurts, it will be better to let it go, and leave it up to God. 

I chose to let him go.

Not because I don’t love him. Neither because I hate him.

I did it because it’s for the best. And when you are on the same ground waiting for nothing, you know, it’s the right choice.

I love him but I respect his decision. And I love myself, too, because I deserve respect.

And if I chose to haunt him even after he clearly said his piece, then I will just be accepting the love, I think, I deserve.

But I know, I deserve more than that. More than hoping and expecting , which may lead me to waiting for nothing at all.

Because I deserve to be treated right.

Because my value is not determined even after I was left or dumped by someone.

Because I have the capacity to move forward and right my wrongs.

And because I still believe in true love, I am willing to wait, for the right person to come along.

I decided to let go of the past.

By doing so, I am embracing a future full of possibilities.

Even if it means, a life far away from him.

Even if it means the death of a beautiful friendship.

Even if it means, I will be “alone” for quite some time.

And maybe it is better to be alone than to be in the wrong company.

I learned to love and value myself.

That I decided to give myself the right exercise of freedom.

And since I am free from the manacles of the past,

I will love myself with all the love I can give.

I will believe that I deserve more, and only the best.

And I will no longer settle for less.

Even if that means I will have to be selective of my company,

Or the people I will have to deal with.

Now happiness comes from within.

I chose to be happy and to live free, because I want to.

In letting go, I learned to value myself.

In letting go, I learned to appreciate my worth.

In letting go, I learned to be joyful, without depending on anyone.

In letting go, I know, I am ready to love, when the right person comes.

And in letting go, I forgave the person, and even myself.

And even at the end, we are not meant to be.

He gave me the best gifts I could ever have.

The gift of loving and valuing myself.

The gift of genuine joy and happiness.

And for that I am thankful.

I still wish him well.

I have no bitterness and regrets.

Just a bright future awaiting, and loads of happiness.

puso, ano ang kwento mo?

Gaano ba kasakit ang di mahalin ng taong mahal mo?

Masakit. Sobrang sakit. Parang biniyak ang puso at kaluluwa mo. O maaring higit pa.

Lahat naman kasi ng tao, umaasa at nananalig sa isang “happy ending.” Na baling araw ma-meet natin si ”the one.”

Sabi nga din nila, kung gaano kasarap o kasaya umibig, ganoon din naman ang sakit na dulot nito.

Minsan sa sobrang sakit, tinatanong mo na kung “Bakit ganito? Bakit kailangan ako masaktan? Bakit di niya ako mahal? Ano ang mali? Bakit di niya ko kayang mahalin?”

Siguro naman, sa isang banda sa ating buhay, naramdaman na natin ang tinatawag na unrequited love.

Sa mga way over na sa stage na ito, congratulations. Wow! Isa kayong patunay na “the right one will come along if we wait, believe, and pray for it.”

Sa mga on the way pa lang, there is more to come. (Ito ay isang warning o pwede ding reminder, bahala na kayo maginterpret J )

Sa mga nagmomove-forward: push niyo lang yan. Go. Kaya pa natin to. Sabi nga ni RB, if you can’t move on, move on some more! As in more!

Dahil naniniwala naman siguro tayong lahat, na hindi un-fair ang buhay, di ba? Kaya nga bilog ang mundo, paikot-ikot. Kahit pa feeling mo nakikita mo sila lahat, in a relationship na. At tayo, hindi pa. Madami dami na din ang kinakasal na, pero may mga waiting pa din kung dadating pa ba siya- si future groom or bride. Sa kaibuturan ng ating puso nandoon ang paniniwala, na darating siya, at hindi ba yun ang pinakamahalaga? Dahil sa huli, ang pag-ibig ay darating sa kung sino man ang naniniwala dito.  At kahit gaano kahirap mag-intay, kahit minsan sawa ka na sa kakadasal dahil pakiramdam mo di ka pinakikinggan, pero mahigpit ang kapit natin. At ito ay tinatawag nating faith o pananampalataya, at ito ang nagpapatibay sa atin- nagbibigay lakas na maniwala tayo, kahit pakiramdam natin, wala ng bukas, wala ng pag-asa.

Maaring nakalugmok ka ngayon after mo mabasted, friend-zoned, seen-zoned o kung ano pa mang ang katumbas ay unrequited love. Or maaring nagheheal pa ang iyong broken heart pakatapos ng isang pag-ibig na hindi rin pala kayo sa huli. Pero kahit gaano man kasakit, alam natin, ano mang hakbang ang gawin natin ang siyang magdidikta ng kapalaran sa hinaharap, kaya kailangan magdesisyon tayo ng wasto at nararapat, dahil kung mag-self destruct tayo sa kasalukuyan, ang future din natin ang magiging kaawa-awa. At hindi naman siguro tayo papayag dun di ba? Gusto pa din natin ng happy ending. At dahil tayo ay optimists, pipiliin natin ang tamang daan, ika nga. Kahit matagal, kahit mahirap, at madaming pasikot-sikot. Kasi may tiwala tayo e, na karapat-dapat tayong mahalin, na may nakikinig sa prayers natin, na ang halaga natin ay hindi naididikta ng kung gaano tayo sinaktan, pinabayaan, binalewala ng taong minsang pinag-ikutan ng mundo natin. Ang halaga natin ay higit pa sa mga kamalian o kakulangan, dahil lahat naman ito matatama at mapupunan, basta bukal sa loob natin na magbago or punan ang mga pagkukulang.

At kahit gaano man kahirap mag-intay na dumating ang tamang tao sa buhay natin, alam ko, hindi ako nagiisa sa mga nananalig at naniniwala, darating siya. Na hindi natin sisirain ang buhay natin para lang sa isang taong di tayo kayang mahalin, bigyan ng halaga, o nang-iwan at nanakit, dahil gusto natin na maibigay natin ng buong- buo ang ating sarili sa taong nararapat sa atin, balang-araw. At ang lahat ng sakit na to, ng hirap, ng mga matang namumugto sa kakaiyak, ng pusong tinagpi-tagpi muna habang naghihilom pa- lahat ng ayan ay mawawala, hindi man ganon kadali, kahit paunti-unti, pag dumating ang tamang tao, sa tamang oras, tamang panahon, at tamang pagkakataon.

At dahil gusto natin na magmahal ng buong-buo muli sa pagdating ni “the one,” babangon tayo, magpapakabuti sa kung ano man ang pinagkakaabalahan natin, at sisikapin natin maging nararapat sa kung sino man ang nakalaan sa  atin. Ang tunay na pagibig ay handang mag-intay- kahit madaming balakid, hindi ito papadaig sa mga hamon. Dahil sa lahat, ang tunay na pag-ibig ay nakahihigit.

Kaya kahit ano man ang kwento ng puso mo, di ka nag-iisa. Kapit lang, my friend. Iiyak mo na yan, mauubos din ang luha. Magtanong ka lang, kung bakit. Balang araw malalaman mo din kung bakit hindi. I-let go mo lang kahit mahirap. Balang araw, oo balang araw, may tamang tao para sa iyo. Kung ano mang hirap at sakit ang pinagdaanan natin, maaring ipagpasalamat natin iyon. Dahil ang lahat ng hirap, sakit, pagod, luha na dinanas natin, ay siyang daan para makilala natin ang “the one.” Kapag nandiyan na siya, masasabi natin na sulit ang pag-iintay. Kaya sa ngayon, kahit ang status ay single and available, wait ka lang. Mapupush din ang kwento ng puso mo. In time. J

• Para sa lahat ng naniniwala na darating ang one true love, ang tamang tao para sa tin, cheers! The waiting will be worth it. Let’s believe and have faith. J

forgetting, letting go, believing

I wonder why you’re so difficult to forget. When I wake up early in the morning, I can’t help but mention your name, that even in the most random moment of all, I still think about you. I know that I should stop nurturing this emotion because it will bring me nowhere else. Still I am lingering, and truth be told, at the back of my mind, I may still be waiting.

I am aware that I can’t change you- you can be proud, insolent, and aloof. You can be headstrong if you want to, because you believe you are not entitled to please anyone, that includes me. Even I am your close friend, you can be brutally honest, and sometimes, I feel that I am being pushed away, too. Your independence and self-reliance is admirable, but at times, it makes me feel that, you don’t need me to be in your life. That even with me out of the picture, you will survive and you won’t even bother look for me. And that feeling hurts, more than you’ll ever know.

Time can tell when I can finally move on. Maybe that day will come when I can just look at you with fondness and I will just smile at myself for all the foolishness I did back then. I can get impatient waiting for that day when I’m finally free from being enslaved to this feeling, but I learned to wait and to not cover up my feelings because it will still resurface no matter I try to hide. For countless times, I tried to hide what I felt, and pretended that I am okay and have moved on even if I’m not. At the end, I’m still the sour loser, because I can fool the world and feign a smile, but I know I can never lie to myself.

And so here I am still, trying to mull over things. Maybe waiting, or trying to contemplate, or convince myself that it is high time that I refocus my thinking, my vision, or my feelings. It may not be you, after all. Because if it’s you, then love could have find its way to me. I tried to wait and to ask for signs, but there’s none. And I have to admit too, I got tired of it all.

Someday, I know I’ll be over you. And so I have learned, that even letting go of someone, takes time. Wounds do not heal easily and heartbreaks are not that easy to mend. When that person had a special place in your heart once upon a time, surely it will be hard to let go. But we should, because in doing so, we pave the way for the right person to claim that space in our heart. I want to let go without ill-feelings, grudges, and bitterness, because even if it was an unrequited love, I know, I should not hate him. After all, love could never be forced. And as the saying goes, it is better to love and lost than never love at all. I tried to fight for what I feel. But if it’s not for me, I should be brave to face the reality.

Perhaps, this is just a test to my patience and character. Who knows, I may be one step closer to that person who’s meant for me? And so I will endure, even if I can feel my heart crashing inside. Even if it means saying goodbye to the person I prayed for and dreamt for so long, I know I have to live and to go on, even if he’s not the one for me. The best is yet to come, my heart whispers, and I know, I should believe that love is just somewhere out there, this time, waiting for me.

of finding love and waiting hearts

“Hope is the thing with feathers 
That perches in the soul 
And sings the tune without the words 
And never stops at all.” 
― Emily Dickinson

I know one of the most difficult emotion to feel is that when you are lonely and unloved. As human beings, part of our hierarchy of needs is to feel that we are loved and we belong. And when those needs are not met, we feel that we are deprived, we find it difficult to “function” that we end up questioning ourselves and our existence. Questions linger such as “Am I not worthy of being loved?”, “Will I ever find that one?” “Am I meant to be alone forever?” It’s heart-breaking and terrifying. No man is meant to be an island, so it’s instinctual that we look for a companion, to make us feel we are important and to validate our value.

But what if that one person is not yet there? Does that make you less of a person?

I believe not. You are whole even without that someone, because a relationship is composed of two people striving to complement each other’s completeness. In a relationship it cannot be that the other has to love a hundred percent and the other is just half-hearted. One will feel the burden and weight of making the relationship work, while the other may feel that he/she is not doing enough. And so all beautiful things are not worth to be rushed, and is worth waiting for. And when it comes and you already found that one person, value him/her never let that person go. Finding true love is like finding a needle in the haystack, so when you already have that one, will you risk letting that person go, knowing that when you lose him/her, you will have to search the world again?

For some people, it is already there and finding love for them is a piece of cake. It comes naturally. For others, it may seem an endless search, a constant struggle. In the process, a lot were risked and maybe it broke our hearts a gazillion times. The pain caused by the brokenness made our vision clouded thereby doubting if true love still exists. But the tormenting phase eventually passed till we stand resurrected, with our feet stronghold, head up high, and hearts mended. In our hearts, we know, we believe, we are eager and open to find love again, no matter what it takes.

In the end, we all have that belief, that love is something that we should never give up on. The tides may rise and fall, candles will burn, leaves will wither, but our desire to keep the flame of love alive should be stronger than ever. Even if we may be disillusioned and shattered countless times, trying, believing, and working on it should be ingrained in our system. Others may doubt and mock you for the delay. You may also lose faith and belief in the process, but never give up. Even if it pains to wait, even if you have cried a bucket or a liter of tears, even if no one seems to believe in you, or even if you feel that it is no longer possible- continue fueling that hope.

As Paulo Coelho once said “And when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you achieve it.” No matter how long the waiting time is, when it comes one day, it will all be worth it. It may not be perfect, but it will be beautiful and worth working hard for.  The waiting time is no longer as painful and terrifying as it appears to be. Then you can proudly say “I’ve waited patiently, and it’s worth it. I will cherish this and never let it go.”

a step back

You are definitely good-looking as they say.
Smart, with a sense of purpose and direction.
You very well know what you want to achieve in life.
You know that you want to depend yourself and in no one else in achieving your goals and dreams.
And honestly, I admire you for that.
You clearly have the passion in doing your job and you do it excellently.
You have big dreams. And sad to say, I may not be part of those.

Sometimes I wish that you also know how badly you want me to be part of your life.
That I am not just a plaything. Or you would rather take me seriously, than let me go.
Or love me a hundred percent instead of dumping me when you said you will never leave.
Or that you will fight for me even though you've hurt me once.
That you want a chance at love.
That after all that's said and done, it's me that you want- and it's finally clear to you.

But maybe, right now, it's still a no.
Because when you love someone, that person is part of your dreams.
And you chase and go after your dreams.
You fight for it, no matter how hard it takes.
You take the extra mile to make sure that we can work through it no matter what storms there will be on the way.
We will walk and weather them all through...together and hand-in hand.

However, I guess I'm still caught in the daydreaming stage.
Because every time you drop some hints,
there is that flicker of hope, igniting the fire of love, that still burns deep inside.
And no matter how hard I try to extinguish the fire, it's still set aflame.
As foolish as it may sound, the flame, maybe never even died.
Maybe it was concealed, but never put to death.

I'd like to spend time alone...a little bit far from you
Because I don't want to be like a moth drawing itself closer to the flame
I know it will consume and burn me
And if it did, it will kill me, figuratively.
I don't want a heartache coming from you.
So if I can act aloof and wise
I will do it now.
Even if I still love you, I have to love myself too.
And if distancing a little means preventing myself from the pain
and will save me from the agony of hating you and ruining every good thing I like about you,
I will do it.

I want to remember you for all the good that you have.
And not to be embittered by the tears and pain you brought.

freedom

I won’t run after you.

Nor will I chase you.

Neither will I entertain a spark of hope.

Because I have learned to love myself,

And in loving yourself you learned to establish limits.

You know what boundaries are not worth crossing,

And what actions are not worth taking.

I’m tired of making a fool out of myself,

Never want to be labelled a dim-witted.

I learned to internalize the word respect

And started to give it as a gift to myself.

I let go of the fear and tried to apologize,

But I barely know if you even empathized.

I’m tired of playing games

I don’t want to do some guess works.

Because I just don’t deserve it.

So even if someday you might change

Or realize what you let go.

I’ll rather choose to love myself more than you

And I’ll be free from the bounds of false expectations

From loving someone who can never love me in return.

The friendship never dies.

I wonder where they are, how they are doing, what they are up to, why the communication is not as frequent as it used to be. Friendship, is like a fire that slowly dies. Soon to be extinguished? I hope not. As time goes by, as we grow older, we get to discover ourselves, who we are, what we want to become, whom we want to be with. We wonder what became of the friends we used to hang-out till late nights, till we ran out of stories, till we get groggy, sleepy, and out of wits. I wonder if they even bother think of me. Because, I honestly do think of them, too, most of the time.

As cliche as it may sound, friends (and not only romantic love) make the world go round and round, sometimes even  to greater heights. There's a different euphoria when you are with friends. It' s good to be people you are comfortable with. You can show your true colors, and they will not really bother if you are not well-dressed of fully made up. They wouldn't care if you look pale or ill, though they would call your attention if you're slowly gaining those pounds. I'm yearning for those times, again. I miss the warmth of friendship, being surrounded by laughter, silliness, craziness, and even teasing, at times. I miss the noise and the wrecklessness of it all. And I wonder, can we make those get-together, as frequent as we can?

I am not in control of their time, neither of their lives. I know they are all happy and fulfilled wherever they are right now. Perhaps they found the love of their life, or they are on the family-way, or they successfully climbed their way to the corporate ladder, or they have found a new set of friends. But as for me, I am a friend who never forgets. And if time permits, I know, I will be spending my time with them, again.

And it is true,  friendship is not hindered by the distance nor time. It is something that will never ever die. And when you all meet again, the memories will just come back in an instant, like a gushing of a tide. The hours will run fast, but it wouldn't matter at all. For that short time with them will be enough- to rekindle the flame of friendship, to make you believe that friendship is always there to stay. And no matter how far or near they are, you know they live in your hearts, forever.

*** I miss you my friends. Despite our busy lives, I promise, for you, I will make and find time.

I love you.

Sincerely,

Ellen :)

Love when you're ready :)

Although I have fallen in love several times in my life, I have really only been in love once. Doesn’t seem to add up, does it? Well, I have only fallen in love one time, at a point in my life when I wasn’t especially lonely. It was when I was much younger and when, to be honest, I was doing just fine without a female companion to share my life with. That was the first time I truly fell in love – and now that I think about it, the last.

This happens to all of us who have had no choice but to give up on a first love. It’s a sad truth: Once you’ve fallen in love deeply, you yearn for that love; you wish to find it again. You become lonely. You begin to fantasize and create a reality that doesn’t actually exist. Then you fall in love with someone unworthy of it.

That first time you fell in love can’t entirely be described in words. It’s as if the emotions, the state of your being and your state of mind became a different entity entirely. You go from being you, to being this other person — this person who needs this other person to survive. It’s as if you were just introduced to an organ that you rely on for life, which you never before even realized existed.

“Soul mate” is an understatement; it’s as if you have found a part of your soul that you didn’t know you had. It’s all incredibly overwhelming, to say the least. It is by far the most amazing, most intoxicating, most horrible and excruciating feeling in the world. And the second we get that first taste of it, we become addicts for life.

Unfortunately, as most stories go, we are forced into a withdrawal. I would like to say that more often than not it’s our own fault, but it’s never actually that simple. It’s you. It’s him or her. It’s the timing. It’s the situation. It’s the mistakes you made. It’s the mistakes you weren’t willing to risk. The stars didn’t align at the right moment in place and time, and hence, the two of your hearts cracked — metaphorically, of course. Physically cracking you’d expect would be swifter and less painful.

So you go on living your life the best you can, never truly forgetting about that taste, that incredible aroma that filled your soul. We never forget those perfect moments we lived with the person we loved. Then we spend the rest of our lives looking for our next fix.

Loneliness is a strong motivator. It moves us to make — I’m sorry to say — some very, very poor decisions. I can tell you right now that I am very likely to make yet another poor decision in a few hours, in the hopes of maybe, just maybe getting lucky enough to meet someone who I’ll not regret seeing when I wake up in the morning. Although we may love every single other aspect of our lives, being human makes us need the companionship of other people. And if we were lucky or unlucky enough to get a taste of real love, we’re going to search for that next fix until we find it.

Which is how we fall in love without ever actually being in love. “Falling into infatuation” would be more fitting terminology, but not quite as poetic. We meet someone who is great, beautiful, fun, interesting enough. And thanks to our brains being able to imagine grandeur and provoke emotional responses, we can take that previous feeling of love and warp it to fit the new mold.

The funny thing is, we actually believe we are in love. We think about the person throughout the day with intense positive feelings. We imagine ourselves with this person for the long run. We feel a need to see him or her and to spend time together. Yet, more likely than not, we eventually realize we aren’t compatible; loneliness had us raise our hopes up very high.

Things only get trickier as you go through these episodes of loving and mock-loving. After a few runs, you begin to question each new relationship and begin to anticipate the falling out. Then, the question is, would it have worked had your mind been in the right place, or were you really not compatible to begin with? Are your standards unrealistic? Or are you actually selling yourself short and settling?

The truth is, you won’t know until you find the next person you truly fall in love with. At that moment, your perspective comes into focus and you clearly see that most, if not all, of your previous loves weren’t actually loves. Until that point, you are likely to try to revert and reach out to past failed lovers in hopes that you can rekindle the flame.

So, do you hold yourself back from loving until you’re sure it’s real? No. If it ends up being real, then you’ve made it. If not, then you surely had a good time for a good stretch, and because you now know you weren’t in love, moving on will be easy. Live and love as much as you can. Those will be the stories you tell when you’re old and wrinkled.

Reposted from: Elite Daily

Starting over again: because sometimes there are no second chances

"Starting Over Again", a film by Olivia Lamasan, starring Piolo Pascual, Toni Gonzaga, and Iza Calsado has been the talk of the town lately, much to the good reviews coming from its viewers. Not your typical romantic-comedy movie, it talks about almost "having a second chance at love," but people do change overtime, so it is better off to start off with what's right, and what's best for the situation, after having moved on for sometime; hence, the title. Indeed, the movie gave a new twist for the usual Filipino love stories, as most audiences love a "happy ending." Though not necessarily the "happy ending" we wish it will be, I believe "Starting Over Again" portrayed a closer picture of the reality and even pains of love, that most audiences can relate with.

The underlying theme of the movie is "Not everyone has a second chance at love, so learn to value the person you love before its too late." Second chances seem beautiful, but in reality, not everyone has the chance of getting one, because everyone changes, learn, move on, and learn to love once again (this time with another person). While it seems magical to rekindle the past and to ignite the love and the fire that two people used to have, it may not necessarily be the best, for the time apart allowed either of the two to grow and to move on. As painful as it may sound, "Starting Over Again" made us realize the importance of knowing when to hold on and to let go. For Ginny, Marco's letter written four years ago, made her cling on to "hope," which her friend called as a "lethal potion." What may be true four years ago, may not hold true anymore in the present time, and Ginny, a fool out of love, failed to realize that. She hold on to that letter sent four years ago, making herself believe that Marco would wait for her. She did not realize that people have the ability to change, and time is the greatest healer of all pains and wounds, much as the greatest element which will make us forget and move on. Ginny is a representation of how we can be made fools out of love- that no matter how accomplished one is, we can make stupid and idiotic actions and choices, sometimes, out of desperation, or because of a love that we selfishly wanted to have. We laughed at the movie, but in reality, Ginny's character is just as pathetic, and sometimes can be annoying. How can a girl like her throw all her "decency" and "wits" just for a man who is now committed and clearly in love with his current girlfriend? But we all know the answer to that. She is simply "madly in love," and that gives her ample reasons to justify even her stupid actions.

The ending of a movie gave us a refreshing twist and an insightful and sound reason for two old flames to meet the second time around. Clearly, the time to meet again may not be the time to rekindle the love, but to answer all lingering questions; thereby allowing them to move on, to have a closure, and to give love wholeheartedly for the person who rightfully deserves us. It may be hard to accept and to let go of your greatest love, but sometimes, we just have to be strong. As Marco tells Ginny "You will be okay." And Marco, is a living proof that no matter how heartbroken we might be, we will pick up the pieces, move on, and even find someone new, when the time is right. In fact, Marco found the right one in the character of Patty- a beautiful picture of how true love should be. "Our love may be boring, but it's real, with the right amount of love, trust, respect, and a little allowance for mistakes. I love him and in love there is no fear." Despite Marco's mistakes and his painful past, Patty accepted him wholeheartedly, and she remained calm and composed despite having been wronged by his boyfriend. At the end, we clearly know that it is Patty who deserves Marco, after all, for she was able to internalize the true meaning of love, "love is patient, love is kind... it is not self-seeking, it keeps no record of wrongs."

We all have that one great love that we can never forget, perhaps. At times, we wonder if we can ever forget them. But the movie clearly sends the message that sometimes, "we can never unlove someone, we just love them in a different way." We gave a part of ourselves to that someone, and we will always have that love, though not as strong as it used to be before. Though we never ended up with them, everything happens for a reason. As Marco puts it, Ginny made him to be a better version of himself. Hence, even if theirs was not a happy ending, they had a good closure,and most importantly, forgiveness. We may never end up with our one great love, much to our wonder, but there's a reason why, and only time can tell. But the key as the movie puts it, is to allow time to heal all wounds, accept and learn to let go, move on and learn to love again, and always be ready to forgive. :)

I know I’ll meet you, someday J

In the process of finding you, I broke my heart several times. I realized it was not that easy. I stumbled and got bruised and it hurt me so much. I thought wounds will never heal at all. Actually, the wounds are still bleeding right now. But I choose to simply bear them, because I know enduring it will make me stronger. Perhaps I got heartbroken because those who I met were not just meant for me, yet. As cliché as it may sound, the best is yet to come. I’d like to believe that’s you.

I never know if I already met you. I could have happened to bump into you before. Maybe we have been introduced to each other but the sparks were not yet there. Or maybe I happened to tread on the very same path where you always walk. I’ll never know, until I meet you, in the near future.

Nothing is certain, and when we will meet each other, is still a big mystery. But with all honesty, the mystery of it all excites me. I wonder how you look like. I yearn to know what interests or excites you. I want to know your life story- how your childhood and family was like, who was your first crush, how you were at school. I just want to listen to your stories while I stare at you and we snuggle together. I look forward to all our times together with intense anticipation. However, the time may not be now. Not yet.

I know and acknowledge that I am not perfect. There are still a lot I have to work on. And whilst I’m not meeting you yet, I want to use the time wisely because I know it is an opportunity for me to grow in character and get to know myself better. I’d like to meet you when I am most ready- when I know what I want,  learn to love myself, and work on my weaknesses. Right now, I can’t fully say I’m the right woman for you. I may do something which will hurt you, in one way or another.  Someday, I know I will be the right woman for you, and when that day comes, there’s no backing out. It will be the best love story, which happened in God’s perfect time.

I’m walking in faith and trusting in God’s Providence. When all else goes awry, we will realize that we can always put our hope in God. Things did fall apart because things are being slowly put in place. Life is a constant work in progress, and I believe that even if things go wrong, it goes better, anyway. All we need to have is a heart that fervently believes, keeps the faith with love burning intensely. I pray that we will both be strong to endure our heartaches, and get healed in time. So that one day, when we meet, we know we are more than ready to love, again.

I promise not to give up on meeting or finding you. It may be a long and tedious waiting for all we know. We might feel, sometimes, that the waiting seems to be in vain, that we may be waiting for nothing at all. But my heart tells me to trust. A voice inside me tells me to believe, and hope, and just open my heart for that someone out there. When that day comes, we will not experience that pain caused by  heartaches, for we are definite that we already met the one we’d like to spend our forever with.

I will wait for you, for that day, for our love story. Right now, I will learn, grow, soar high, and simply become the best that I can be. I hope you will do the same, too. I pray that you’re excited to meet you, too. And that one day in our future will be the happiest of all, because we know we both waited, and what we have been praying for so long, is already answered.

Your future girlfriend and wife,

Ellen Marie

Dear Future Lover Of Mine, I Hope I Don’t Meet You Anytime Soon

Dear You,

I don’t know your name. I don’t know who you are or where you are or when we will ever meet. I don’t know whether or not you are already in my life somewhere. I don’t even know if you exist in this lifetime. I’d like to believe you’re walking this earth someplace, but sometimes I’m not sure if I even believe in the idea of fate and romance anymore. Maybe you can save me from myself.

If you are in this lifetime and on this planet though, I hope I don’t meet you anytime soon. I have a lot to learn and I will probably hurt you, because I don’t know yet that you are the one who will make me happy.

I’ve been through a lot. But while I wish you could have been there with me, I know you will be proud of me because of how strong I turned out to be and all the things I made it through without you. See, I had to be alone for a while so I’d know what I’m capable of. And so I’d appreciate having someone like you more.

I like being single right now because all my time is mine. I need to be single for a while so I will not regret not having this kind of freedom in the future. When I’m yours, I’ll be completely yours because I had this time to be mine.

But sometimes I miss being in love. There are days when I wish you can get here faster just so I can have the kind of love that I’ve been waiting for since what feels like forever. But I guess it’s better that you’re not here yet because I don’t know how to be with you right now. I’ll probably say a lot of really stupid things and scare you away.

You won’t just the love of my life, you will also be my best friend in the world. I’d always thought of all my old loves as best friends at the time, but I don’t think I ever really knew what that meant. I love that I will be able to tell you anything and everything and know that you will be the one person in the world who understands.

We won’t always get along and we will more-than-possibly get into some really ugly fights, but I know that in the end, we can make it through because nothing is more important than learning and growing together.

We are probably different people with diverse interests, and that’s a good thing. We will make time for what is important to the other because we like making each other happy. Of course, there will be things that we enjoy doing together. We will spend some days curled up with a blanket and books or popcorn and a good movie. Braveheart will always be a favorite between us, and reruns of FRIENDS will take up some of our lazy Sundays. But we will spend most of our time going around the world together, seeing places we’ve only once dreamed of traveling to.

We both love to talk and laugh, and we will spend a lot of our time getting to know each other. Even when we’ve been together 20 years, we will always find something new about the other or reminisce about the people we once had to be to get there. And while I will probably roll my eyes at your jokes, I will also smile just because it’s so cute how you tried to tell the punch line.

You’ve probably loved a girl (or more) before me, and that’s okay. I’m sorry though if you’ve gotten hurt and I wasn’t there to make you feel better. I’ve been in love before you, too, and I’ve also gotten my heart broken and feel like nobody could really understand. It will take a long time before I can let anyone else in again, and maybe you feel the same way. It will be better to find each other after going through all that, just so we will both know how to not take being in love for granted.

We’ve both become better people separately, something I will always be thankful for. And because of all the pain we have to go through before we meet, we will both realize then that we deserve that happiness and we deserve each other.

I don’t know what you look like but I know you have kind eyes and a genuine smile. I don’t know what you do for a living but I know that you will have time for me. I don’t know you, but I know that you can give me hug when I’m down, hold my hand for no reason and kiss me just because you love me.

There’s a possibility though, that you don’t exist, and I’m writing this letter for no one. But in spite of all the cynicism I’m entitled to, I have to believe that you’re out there somewhere. I have to believe that all the heartache I’d ever had to endure will someday lead me to you. I have to believe that God created you because He knew I would need you. And while I know I’m a complete person on my own, I have to believe that someone like you exists, someone who might not complete me, but can make life better. More beautiful. More colorful. A man who can make me believe in love again.

I don’t know who you are or if I’ll ever find you, but I wish with all my heart that you’re out there, waiting, just like I am.

I know that someday I will find you. In this lifetime, or the next, I will find you.

Yours (someday),
Me 

Credits: Written by Katrina Tomondong 

http://thoughtcatalog.com/katrina-tamondong/2014/02/dear-future-lover-of-mine-i-hope-i-dont-meet-you-anytime-soon/

how to mend a broken heart

*This article was reposted from Yahoo, dated Feb. 12, 2014

Whether you're a guy or girl, mending a broken heart is never easy to do.

Experts say that it can take anywhere from 6 months to 8 years for you to get over the heartache from a breakup.

In fact, many clients of mine talk about their heartaches as if it was just a recent event, even if it happened many years or decades ago.

The hell of dark emotions

Being brokenhearted is like plunging into a hell of deep dark emotions.

You’ll experience cyclical waves of emptiness, disbelief, disillusionment, devastation, grief, guilt, loneliness, depression, bitterness, rage and confusion.

However, with the passage of time, the heavy emotions should slowly subside.

Strategies for emotional healing

In my many years of counseling one brokenhearted person after another, I've learned from them some strategies that speed up the process of emotional healing:

1. First of all, accept that it’s all over! 
Like your own failed relationship, some relationships aren't meant to last. Accept the fact that your ex came into your life just for a reason and for a season. But for a lifetime? Nah!

2. Grieve and don’t resurrect a dead relationship. 
Not only have your plans and dreams as a couple ended, but a big chunk of your inner being has died too. Grieving is the heart-wrenching process of putting closure to another chapter in your life.

3. Kill the hope! 
As long as you keep alive a tiny spark of hope for reconciliation, you are NOT going to move on! As long as you still harbor the fantasy or wish of getting back together, the emotional roller coaster ride is going to continue.

4. Give up plans of revenge, and put your "evil" side to rest. 
If you take revenge, you'll just be giving your ex more reasons to validate the breakup. You'll come out as the bad guy and you'll certainly regret your wicked deeds later on. Furthermore, if you take revenge, this only means one thing: that you still haven't accepted the fact that IT'S ALL OVER!

5. No relationships on the rebound, please. 
If you jump into a relationship right after your breakup, it'll mean one of four things:

• You're doing it as a desperate attempt to make your ex jealous.
• You're doing it as an attempt to escape from your loneliness.
• You're doing it to make your ex think that you’re coping well.
• You're doing it as a premature attempt to move on.

Truth is, you only make matters worse by entering into a rebound relationship. Finish your grieving process first and be a whole and happy person again before embarking on a new relationship.

6. Get emotional support from family and friends.
Your breakup may have made you feel emotionally bankrupt. Since you’re driving on empty, start guzzling down the warmth and care of people who love you. Don't stay isolated. Even if you don't feel like socializing, allow your family and friends to distract you temporarily from your heartache.

7. Distract yourself with activities.
When you're tired from wallowing in sadness, distract yourself by watching TV, listening to upbeat music, learning a new sport or craft, pampering yourself with massages and so on and so forth. Remember: any distraction is better than none.

8. Stop stalking and spying on your ex’s Facebook and Twitter accounts .
Every new detail you learn about your ex is only going to mess up your mind!

9. Develop a spiritual perspective.
Spirituality teaches you the great lesson that you cannot permanently hold on to anything and anyone in this life. For some circumstances in our life, the appropriate thing to do is to simply “let go and let God."

10. Get professional help if you start hurting yourself (by self-cutting or alcohol/drug abuse), become suicidal or feel that your mood is worsening.
You may be suffering from major depression which can prevent you from moving on.

It’s true: time heals (most) wounds

Recovering from a breakup is a deathly slow but natural process.

Have faith in knowing that “time heals all wounds" (or, at least, most wounds).

And when your inner wisdom senses that you've recovered enough to move on, you’ll naturally gain the strength to crawl out of your dark emotional pit and start living life all over again.

Dr. Randy Dellosa, popularly known as the "celebrity shrink," is a life coach, counselor, psychotherapist, clinical psychologist, psychiatrist, physician, osteopath, clinical massage therapist, acupuncturist, qigong teacher and energy healer. To contact Doc Randy, visitrandydellosa.com.

the truth about falling in love

This article was based from the February 11 talk "Samson and Delilah," part of "It's not that Complicated" series, at the Victory Christian fellowship, Makati.

***********

For a long time, a lot of us have been captivated and even blinded with the ideals of “falling in love.” This term; however, actually pertains to “a love that ends badly.” Why is falling in love so complicated then? When we based love on emotions, it will most likely fall apart. Love should be based on will and decision, and those are what make the romantic love to flow. It is not just something that you “fall into.”

Being in love with someone often involves being an uncontrollable tailspin. Love; however, should be a conscious decision one should make. Most of the time, too, people seek love when they are alone or lonely, which leads to trouble. We come near the cliff, even if it poses danger and destruction, thereby complicating the situation. Like the story of Samson and Delilah, most of us can be destroyed with “falling in love” which happens at the wrong place, with the wrong practice of emotions, and with the wrong person. It takes a “Delilah” to empower one with such desire to jump off the cliff when we could have stayed away from the edge. It is not uncommon when some people are pushed by someone to cross that line. And sadly, “I love You,” as beautiful as it sounds, can be used to lure and compromise one’s standard. In the end, this love becomes difficult and even destroys people, which should not be the case, because that is not true love if it brings misery and downfall.

Love would not be complicated when we stick to God’s standards. Many of us want to find the right one, when in fact, we are still the wrong one. Being alone heightens that feeling of yearning to “fall in love” immediately, but by being surrounded by good people, that feeling will be toppled. The cliff might be beckoning us to take a fall, but stronger should be our desire to remain with God. Let us not step out of God’s love story for us just to create our own love story. Don’t harden your heart, for as long as you follow God, it’s not going to be complicated. God has a love story for each of us, one that is not complicated, if you just stay with the love story God has in store, especially for you. J

an insightful read. hmmmm

Why Nice Guys and Gals Finish Last in Love

Why being nice doesn't lead to love.

I received a lot of good feedback on my last article discussing How I Learned to Have a Satisfying Relationship. The messages of taking personal responsibility to become a valuable mate, learning to make others trade fairly, and finding internal validation, all seemed to make a connection with readers. However, I had a few readers who still had some questions.
Some of the questions came from a group of people I call Nice Guys and Gals. These people do everything for others. They do everything they believe they are "supposed" to do for their lovers. Yet, time and time again, their partners abandon them, overlook them, mistreat them, and generally fail to love them back.
Nice guys and gals are completely confused by these outcomes. They cannot understand how they can, at least theoretically, do everything right—yet have the situation turn out so wrong. They cannot understand why their good behavior doesn't lead to love and respect. After all, we're all "told" that is how it is supposed to work. Bring someone flowers or cook them dinner and they love you forever... Not quite!

Related Articles

• Nicessism: Narcissism with a "not nice" defense.
• Do Nice Guys Finish Last? Four Rules For Terminally Nice People
• Do Nice Guys (and Gals) Finish First or Last?
• The Relationship Triangle
• Tips for Freshmen Guys in Making Friends Part II

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Well, I'm going to let you in on a little secret. I was a nice guy. Heck, I think I was THE nice guy. I was that clueless guy, doing everything I was told to do by society and romantic comedies, and it was not working. I gave lovers everything and got no gratitude for it. I did the "good" boyfriend and husband thing...and it all fell apart. I learned firsthand that such nice behavior didn't work.
But, I eventually found the answers!

Why Nice Guys Finish Last (and Nice Gals Too)!

The first step to seeing this clearly is to temporarily put aside any frustration and bitterness. If you are reading this, you probably have a story of your own to tell. You may have been treated badly. You might have been picked over for someone who seemed clearly inferior to you. Why would "your guy" go for that high-maintenance, promiscuous woman? Why would "your gal" dump you for that unemployed felon?
Well, there is a reason. Your partner (or their gender) is not stupid. The world has not turned upside down. There are simple influence principles at work here. These principles make the "inferior people" look valuable and you not-so-much. Let us take a look at them further and see why nice people finish last...

1) Nice People Do Not Make Their Partners Invest

When we do nice things for others, we invest in them and the relationship. Those investments of time, effort, and money tend to build up over time. Those investments also make us feel that our date or mate is valuable, that we love them, and we are committed to that relationship. This is called the principle of "sunk costs". Doing favors for others and treating them well, leads us to value and love them.
However, the reverse is not true. The receiver of good treatment does not always feel love for the giver. In fact, they may feel manipulated, burdened, or just generally ungrateful. Love cannot be bought or earned.
Given that, whoever is doing the favors will fall in love. But, whoever is receiving the favors probably will not fall in love. The person that invests feels love. The person receiving the investment may not feel anything. Get the picture?
Nice folks are on the losing end of this deal. They do all of the "doing". They are the ones waiting on their partner, doing good deeds, buying gifts, paying for meals, etc. As a result, they have a lot of love (sunk costs) for their date or mate. But, their partner has not invested. They have not given a thing. So, they are not at all in love or committed.
Contrast this with the demanding bad boy or diva... They are always making demands and requests of a partner. They require being pampered, waited on, and appeased. They make their partners INVEST. So, their partners have a ton of sunk costs. Thus, their partners fall in love with them and feel committed.
Moral of the story—don't be "nice" and do everything. Make your partner invest in you and the relationship too. Remember, when they DO FOR YOU, is when they fall in love. If they refuse to invest in the relationship, however, then they may never love you back.
For more see:

• Make Them Love You By Taking (Not Giving)

2) Nice People Reward Bad Behavior

People learn from the consequences of their behavior. When they perform a behavior and are rewarded, they tend to do the same thing again. In contrast, when they perform a behavior and are punished, they tend to shy away from that behavior in the future. Pretty simple...
Well, nice people tend to treat their dates and mates very well. All the time. EVEN, when they don't deserve it. No matter how a partner is treating them, the nice person will continue to treat them well.
The nice person often "thinks" that such good treatment will one day be recognized. That it will snap the partner out of their bad behavior. Turn the other cheek and all that. But, they fail to recognize what they are TEACHING their partner by treating them well under all conditions.
In essence, by being nice all the time, they are rewarding their partner for bad behavior. If you cook him dinner on the nights he disrespects you, then you have rewarded and encouraged that behavior to continue. If you take her out on the nights she is grumpy and nagging, you have ensured that she will do it again.
Not-so-nice people have better boundaries. They only reward partners when they earn those rewards. They also ignore partners when they are disrespectful or bad. This teaches dates or mates what they will and will not tolerate. It lets them know what is expected of them.
As a result, nice people get walked all over. By being nice all the time, they actually encourage others to treat them badly. They reward those who mistreat them and make the behavior more likely in the future. If they were selective in their rewards—and occasionally withholding—they would receive better treatment in return. They would also be more respected by others.
For more see:

• Rewarding Good Behavior: How to Give Your Partner a Cookie
• Stopping a Partner's Bad Behavior

3) Nice People Are Too Available

We all have mental shortcuts that help in our decision-making. One of these shortcuts is the rule of scarcity. Generally, we believe whatever is scarce, or requires work to obtain, is valuable. Whatever is easy to get, or common, is probably cheap. While this is not always true, it is true enough of the time that it becomes a common, unconscious assumption. It is applied to everything...even people.
Unfortunately for nice people, they are anything but scarce. They are eager to please. They are always agreeable to dropping their life and rushing over to their date or mate. They make time, dote, acquiesce, and try to be as convenient and easy as possible.
Their hope is that this behavior will lead to gratitude and respect. By making themselves available to a partner and removing inconveniences, they hope to make love easier. Instead, however, they come off as needy, get taken for granted, and become overlooked. In other words, they are the opposite of scarce and hard to earn. So, all of the available behavior actually makes them seem low value and worthless.
The bad boy or diva, in contrast, is always "hard to get". They are never available, always cancelling plans, and make lovers do things their way. They do nothing but neglect and inconvenience their lovers. Yet, their lovers find them alluring, tempting, and attractive (much to the confusion of "nice" folks).
Nevertheless, the bad boys and divas are scarce. That scarcity makes them SEEM valuable. Their unavailability and breaking plans makes them look confident and important. Making others work to earn their time gives the illusion that their time is valuable. Having to drop everything to steal a moment with them makes others appreciate the time they are "given". It is the illusion of scarcity.
Given that, nice people would do well to inconvenience their lovers once in a while. They would benefit from being scarce. They would look a little more valuable if they didn't drop everything to be at their lover's beck-and-call. If they were a little harder to get, their lovers would find them more enticing.
For more see:

• Does Playing Hard to Get Make You Fall in Love?

Conclusion

Again, your ex (or their entire gender) is not crazy. But, their psychological dynamics do cause them to process things differently than a nice person might hope. As a result of a few mental shortcuts getting crossed, winners look like losers and losers look like winners.
Does that mean you have to be a jerk or diva to find love? No. But, it does mean that you need to be selective with your time, attention, and niceness. It means you cannot be eager to please, needy, overly-available, or endlessly nice. To create a loving, respectful, and appreciative relationship, you have to know the rules of the game...and play by them.
So, learn from the jerks and divas—but don't emulate them completely. Simply get your partners to invest in you back, as you invest in them. Further, only reward them when they deserve it and ignore them when they don't. Also, make them accommodate you too and don't let your life revolve around them. This will show them that you are a valuable and attractive person with some self-respect. Then, you can still be a decent person and find love...without being so nice others walk all over you.