the beauty of waiting

There is beauty in waiting, and I thank God for all those years that he made me wait.

As human beings, it is but normal to be impatient and frustrated when things don't go as planned.

But what virtue does God want us to develop as we wait? What is the purpose for our life "delays?" Or maybe it's only us who thinks it's a delay. Probably, God knows that at the moment, that is for the best.

Waiting is not just a test of patience, but is meant to develop our character. A person's true character is not revealed when he has the best things in life. In fact, it can be seen when he has nothing, or is striving and working hard to achieve something. What a person does as he wait tells so much of how he/she is.

Do you see nothing but life's imperfections and missing pieces as you wait? Or are you the type who does something meaningful while waiting. Which one would you rather be? Would you be sulking, complaining, or ranting? Or woud you rather be working, exploring, and trusting on life's timing as you wait?

While it is easy to answer that we will try to be productive as we wait, in reality, it's not as easy as it seems though. There will be days when we will be caught in despair of not knowing what our future holds. It feels like you were stuck in the middle of the unknown, and you are clueless of what tomorrow will bring. But then again, it is just a phase. We could choose to wallow over that sadness, or move on. And when you do, there is no way to go but forward, as we strive to live life with purpose and meaning each day.

Living each day doing what you love does not seem like waiting at all. Instead, it's more like trusting and hoping for the best, wherever life leads you. Doing things with zeal and passion, whatever that may be, allows us to seize the moment and to be fully present in life. And before you know it, time had passed, until you barely realize that you are no longer waiting. For at the end, you are rather fulfilled and happy, that all the good things life grants and blesses you with are just a bonus.

May this song by John Waller inspire us to embrace the beauty of waiting. We may not see it right now, but God sees our good works and gives what is due for his humble and faithful servant.

I will move ahead, bold and confident
Taking every step in obedience
While I'm waiting
I will serve You
While I'm waiting
I will worship
While I'm waiting
I will not faint
I'll be running the race
Even while I wait...

waiting for the best version of a dream

What sign are you actually looking for?

Last night, I attended a worship service at a Catholic Community that I'm part of. At the end of the talk, I felt like cold water was poured to my whole body, as a resounding "what sign are you still looking for?" was mentioned by the speaker. I can only mutter to myself "Open my eyes, so that I can see." And indeed, maybe, truly, sadly, I am blinded all along.

It is very heartbreaking if we are stuck on the same chapter of our life. Even if they say the only way to move on is to let go, it is still difficult and sometimes, you still wallow in the pain or the trauma of it all. Yes, we want to move forward, but the fear is there. It is akin to a movie being played inside ones head. As the speaker said "if you are going through something, just pass through it, don't linger there for so long." 

And then I felt I was slapped. Real hard. Maybe my head was even hammered.

Am I lingering for so long, that I have been badly damaged and crippled by this prolonged stay?

Is it keeping me from seeing the beauty and promises of life?

Is that NO still painful for me? Did I really learn to move on or let go?

I have to be honest. Maybe, after all, I am savoring the pain. I felt and looked like I was a big pathetic fool.

Yes. We make mistakes. And forgiving oneself is just so hard.

But I realize, I want to live a happy life.

I want to have a better and brighter future.

I know I have been praying for someone, for so long. I may not exactly get what I wanted.

But I want to prepare myself for God's best version of my dream.

Maybe the first thing to do is to be brutal to myself. There are some things, some person that you cannot have. 

The second thing is to wait. Patiently wait. And believe that a brighter future is in store. 

Yes, it's painful. The many big "NOs" are extremely wounding my heart. Up to the point that it made me doubt myself, my worth, my value as a person.

Still, I have to believe. And I have to act with bold faith. "Faith without works, is dead."

Perhaps, all those rejection will lead to a better place and bring the best person out of me. Maybe someday, in the right time, I will be surprised and be lead to that someone I have been waiting and praying for so long.

I know I have been praying and working hard.

Sometimes, most of the time, I feel like giving up already.

Sometimes, I feel so ugly and even envy the people around me.

In the most random of times, I will see myself crying out of self- pity, and would fail to pray because it just hurts so much.

Dear God, You know my prayers. I open myself to the best version of my dream that You are preparing for me. I still await for the YES that you promise to give in the near future. Please increase my patience. Please help me to be more faithful. I don't want to give up. Not on You, not on my dreams. :)