painful beauty

Growing up, I was never really the beautiful one. I was labeled as brainy, and kind, but never the pretty nor the charming one. I never had a boyfriend wayback in highschool and college. And guys seem not to see me as someone who they will pursue. I was barely told I was beautiful back then. Hence, I really have a low self-esteem and self-worth.

But years passed and I learned that I can also do something to improve myself. Yes I am smart and kind, but I can also be attractive physically. And so I did learn to work-out and deprive myself of the goodness of food. I also learned to ditch the goody-too-shoes and wholesome kind of dresses. I learned to wear shorts and skirts, sleeveless tops and dresses, low back dresses and blouses so that I might be noticed. I learned to color my hair and apply make-up properly. Thus, I became more presentable, and people started complimenting me as beautiful, pretty, and lovely. I was a flower in full-bloom, from an ugly duckling to a beautiful swan. Yes, I said goodbye to my overweight and ugly self. Finally, I am considered beautiful by most people I met, and some would even say that I am a Maggie Wilson look alike.

Hearing compliments from the people around is really a boost to my ego. Yet, let me tell you that the journey towards this destination is not easy. My body is really on the chubby side so whenever I eat a little too much, I would easily gain weight. And people can easily notice that, too. I have big legs and flabby arms, which is so hard to make firm and smaller even with working out at the gym. Even if I am way too thinner compared to my 38 inches waistline when I was still in high school, I still see myself as “fat.” And I still feel lonely too, especially when people would ask me the status of my love life. Why, that even if I am beautiful as people may say, guys take no interest in me? Then will come the succeeding questions/ remarks/ comments that maybe I speak too much English whenever I am dating, or I have such skyrocketing and impossible standards, that maybe I don’t go out more often, or I am snobbish and hard to please. And in the middle of all those, I can’t help but cry deep inside. Because I know that those are not true. Because I know, that I am doing my best, too, to meet more people, friends, and I am trying to learn new skills so that I will spread myself and not be confined in the comforts of my workplace and home.

Much as I don’t live to please everyone, I get hurt too getting all those from people I meet. Don’t they know that I try to workout atleast 3-4 days a week, with a minimum of 1 ½ hour and maximum of 3 hours? Don’t they know that I barely eat junkfoods, fastfood, pork, beef and rice anymore, because I am afraid to gain weight? Don’t they know that depriving myself of food to eat is killing me already, and whenever I hear people’s remarks about my body parts (legs, arms) and weight, I get shivers and I feel like bursting? When will I stop pushing myself? When will they finally be happy that and tell me that “hey, you just look good and stop dieting “?

Let me just tell you, I get tired, too. I get tired of working out, but I have to go out of my comfort zone and lift all the weights and run in the treadmill and transport because I want to look good and feel good. And just when I am happy with my work out, I will still hear comments about my legs and arms. I will never be perfect, and I just hope that people will accept others imperfections too. And more so, think of the impact that they will make before they will comment on others appearance and weight. For all you know, that is already the person’s best effort. Like me, 4 days in the gym take much of my time. I will have to sacrifice a lot already, same goes with the food that I have to say goodbye to. And to all those who never seem to run out of remarks regarding my singlehood, let me tell you this: I am not in a hurry to be married off. Yes, I want to get married, have a baby, start that family, but I won’t run after a guy anymore just so someone will like me. I am a grown up woman, now. I know what I want and what I deserve. I deserve to be pursued and courted just like any woman out there. And I deserve a person who will accept me for who I am, despite all my bulges, flabs, big arms and legs, and so on.

It all ends up saying to myself that “I am beautiful, no matter what they say, words can bring me down.” People may question my singlehood for the nth time, or continue to lament at my ever big legs and flabby arms, but it’s me. As long as I am doing something to constantly upgrade and improve myself, I will fear not and dread what others will say. Even if it’s a hurdle,  I have to love and accept myself for who I am and even what I am not. Someday, I know, as cliché as it may sound, a person will come to love me despite all my imperfections. And even without him yet for the time being, I know that someone up there already loves me unconditionally. And I will lift all these pain and struggles to HIM, because He loves me for who I am and He is thinking of ways to bless me, I just have to believe and wait.