Looking back, moving forward

Five years ago, I confessed my feelings to a dear friend. The answer wasn't exactly what I wanted it to be. We were only 23 by then, probably too young for him to commit himself; thus telling me back then he was not ready. At some point, I guess, I waited too long for him. It was a constant struggle of letting go, accepting, and feeling the same feelings again and again. How do you move forward if you just can't let go of the strong feelings you have for someone? In my case, I thought there will be no finality to this lingering question. Until one day, through a surprising twist of fate, everything changed.

Holding on too long to that love probably helped me realize I deserved better. Though I told myself that so many times back then, I somehow clung to the glimmer of hope because he was still unattached. However, when the waiting seems endless and futile, you eventually tell yourself to stop the foolishness, for it will lead you nowhere. I guess, there will really be that someone you love too much, but then cannot love you back. But even if it hurts, excruciatingly hurts at that, reality is something you have to swallow and accept, for you to get by. 

Looking back, I knew I never regretted that unrequited love. It's funny, but I learned that I am capable of loving deeply because of that person. Even if that love caused me pain, knowing that it's one sided, somehow, at the back of my mind, I knew there will come a day that a love that's meant for me will come my way, too. It may have taken a long while, but that love finally came, and it is everything I could ask for. The love I have always prayed and dreamed of is here to stay. 

Fast forward to 2019, I must say both of us are living happy lives. I learned he just got married, and though there is a tinge of hurt, knowing that up to the end he never really liked me, my heart is sincerely happy for him. He may not have chosen me or may never have loved me a bit at all, but at the end, it no longer matters. I thought I will harbor ill-feelings for him because of that one-sided love, instead, I learned to finally forgive myself and to truly wish him well. At the end of the day, we both have found the love of our life and are more than content, what more can I wish for? 

And at this point, I can only look back at the past wistfully but with smile, at the same time. Through it all, God has been truly good to me. He lead me to someone who will love me wholeheartedly and made me feel that I am truly worth it. There is no point being stuck with the pains of the past, and each day I choose to move forward, as I thank the Lord for blessing me the love I rightfully deserve. 

The Vow 2019

Whenever I look at you, I am reminded of God's love and faithfulness. You are my living testament, that God answers our heartfelt and fervent prayers.

Indeed, this love of ours is a beautiful gift worth keeping. When God writes your love story, no one and nothing can ever stop what He has planned. Not even distance can come between us, for it is the work of His wondrous and powerful hands that bring us closer than ever, binding us even stronger. So every day, just thinking of you, makes me pray and whisper these words with love, gratitude, and contentment: "I thank God for the gift of you."

Our 2 years as a couple has not been easy, but it was through love and trust that we survived. We are here today because of our strong commitment to be loyal to one another at all costs. With that, I thank you, for standing by me, for choosing me everyday, and for loving me and even my imperfections. I have always been a dreamer, but you have been the anchor to my boat, that is why I continue to sail on life with purpose. Even if sometimes, I see myself as a lowly caterpillar hiding in her cocoon when times get tough, you always see the butterfly in me. I will always treasure and cherish this beautiful and self-less love of yours, because it is one in a million.

With this, I vow to be your forever cheerleader and to support your every dream. I vow to be the wind beneath your wings, because I am that number one person who believes in your gifts and potentials. I vow to hold your hand and be your safe place, when all else in life turns gray. And from this day forward, your dream is my dream, your pain is my pain, and your happiness is my happiness. My love, with you and I together, there is nothing we cannot conquer. With God on our side and with our love for each other aflame, we will journey through life and make wonderful memories together, with the children God will bless us in the near future.

I love you and I always will. My heart is giddy with excitement and happiness, knowing that, the Lord has blessed me with a good-hearted man, whom I will be spending eternity with. You are worth the wait, and I am forever yours.

the beauty of waiting

There is beauty in waiting, and I thank God for all those years that he made me wait.

As human beings, it is but normal to be impatient and frustrated when things don't go as planned.

But what virtue does God want us to develop as we wait? What is the purpose for our life "delays?" Or maybe it's only us who thinks it's a delay. Probably, God knows that at the moment, that is for the best.

Waiting is not just a test of patience, but is meant to develop our character. A person's true character is not revealed when he has the best things in life. In fact, it can be seen when he has nothing, or is striving and working hard to achieve something. What a person does as he wait tells so much of how he/she is.

Do you see nothing but life's imperfections and missing pieces as you wait? Or are you the type who does something meaningful while waiting. Which one would you rather be? Would you be sulking, complaining, or ranting? Or woud you rather be working, exploring, and trusting on life's timing as you wait?

While it is easy to answer that we will try to be productive as we wait, in reality, it's not as easy as it seems though. There will be days when we will be caught in despair of not knowing what our future holds. It feels like you were stuck in the middle of the unknown, and you are clueless of what tomorrow will bring. But then again, it is just a phase. We could choose to wallow over that sadness, or move on. And when you do, there is no way to go but forward, as we strive to live life with purpose and meaning each day.

Living each day doing what you love does not seem like waiting at all. Instead, it's more like trusting and hoping for the best, wherever life leads you. Doing things with zeal and passion, whatever that may be, allows us to seize the moment and to be fully present in life. And before you know it, time had passed, until you barely realize that you are no longer waiting. For at the end, you are rather fulfilled and happy, that all the good things life grants and blesses you with are just a bonus.

May this song by John Waller inspire us to embrace the beauty of waiting. We may not see it right now, but God sees our good works and gives what is due for his humble and faithful servant.

I will move ahead, bold and confident
Taking every step in obedience
While I'm waiting
I will serve You
While I'm waiting
I will worship
While I'm waiting
I will not faint
I'll be running the race
Even while I wait...

Your Time. God's Time.

When I was younger, I used to think I can easily plan my life out. I thought that if I put my mind into it, and probably work hard for it, the things I want will easily fall offf my lap. And boy, I was wrong. Very wrong.

There are things that will be given to us because of our hardwork and persistence. But not all. This I have learned, in the years that I sail on this journey, that life is all about the perfect timing.

Timing is everything. As what was said, "many are the plans in the person's heart, but the Lord's plan shall prevail." I will say it again and again, even if it may sound repetitive, that there are things we meticulously plan, but may not happen. In the course of those heartbreaks, rejections, unanswered prayers, and disappointments, it is but normal to be disheartened. We feel that it may never happen or be given to us. But, if we hold on and ponder over, we might come to realise this: "Just because it is not happening does not mean that it's not meant for you. Maybe the answer isn't a "No," but "not yet."

Perhaps, there are things we don't see that we still need to discover and develop. I can still vividly remember how I envision myself at the age of 25. Back then, I thought, I have already married by that age and by the age of 30, I probably have kids, a house, a car, have finished my masters. To be honest, none of them has happened "yet," but I am not frustrated anymore, because as I grow older, I learned to trust the timing of things in my life.

Yes, I will be married soon, at the age of 29, and I may be late from the original timeline I have set for myself. But even if the timeline was not exactly followed, it is not a reason to fret. In fact, I realised, that the events in my life are perfect as it is. I was able to work abroad at the age of  27 and met the love of my life at the same age. If I had met him a little earlier, maybe I will not be where I am right now. And I guess, the delay in my love story is my journey to self-discovery, and I would say, those years of trial and errors are the greatest gift I ever gave myself.

I have had series of failures and disappointments, but instead of sulking over, I wore those wounds with pride. I was able to overcome and reign victorious over those battles and hurdles. Here I am today, standing still, growing grateful each day. I thank the Lord for allowing me to experience heartbreaks, for it made me know what to pray for and look for in a man. I thank God that it took me a while to build my career, for it enabled me to push myself further and go outside my comfort zone. And I will always be indebted to God, for building my character and for increasing my faith all those years. If I am happy and content in love and life right now, it's because I earned this by patiently waiting. If I did things my way back then and be reckless, this may not be the life I have right now. So if you felt you were rejected or clueless as to where your life will tread, learn to trust in the process and in God's timing for your life. If we will only look at life in that lens, we will live more joyfully each day, knowing that every adventure comes with a purpose.

So what to do now? Sail on, travel, learn a skill, meet new people, discover what the world has to offer. Life is too short to waste it by stressing over a timeline. Ditch the timeline, and instead, make good use of your time. Stop comparing yourself with others, that is their time, not yours. Your time will come, too. The Lord is developing something within you, and He is preparing to launch you to greater heights. At the end of the day, be reminded that, "his plans are not meant to harm you, but to make you prosper."

With the Lord by your side, you're in good hands. And one day, when what you have been praying for have been answered, you will look back at those days you have been waiting. By then, you will be at peace and tell yourself, "now I finally understand."

When we were young

Oh those yester years, we were young and wild, and free. When we think about it, and reminisce the days and years that had gone by, it will surely bring about a rollercoaster of emotions. We may feel wistful, but at the same time find ourselves laughing as we think of our crazy, silly, and stupid acts (which we never even thought why we did in the first place). That is the recklesness of our youth, and when we mull over, there might be some beauty in it.

While there might be days we wished we could have been more rational in terms of how we decided on things during our youth, surely those carelessness were all charged to experience. We might have cried and regretted that action that we might have done over impulse, but a biggest mistake, when wisely reflected upon, can turn out to be the most life changing event ever. Though it's not always an excuse that we were young, back then, still it cannot be denied that our precious youth is an opportune time to learn. For we can never be the wiser person we are now if we never fell down and got back up during our younger years. And we owe it to our younger self and thank that we had that "grace and trial period" of our life. Hopefully, those mistakes are no longer the recurring ones, otherwise, we might have never learned or made realisations, after all.

And as the years passed, it is our hope that we let go of the hurts and bitterness of the past. That despite all our imperfections and wrongdoings, we have learned to be more kind to ourself. It is futile to play the blame game, and it is but wiser to move forward and just keep going. Whatever it takes to get by, may it be crawling, walking, kneeling, running, sprinting, fast, average, no matter how slow, the most important thing is we keep life going... and just reflect on whatever we can learn from the situation.

Someday, those mistakes and foolish acts will just be stories to tell. And interesting, colorful stories at that. One that we will funnily share to our children, grandchildren, or to the younger generations. Yes we could be young, and wild, and very much carefree. But let us not miss the most important point of our youth, that as we sail on the most worry free years of our life, may we never lose sight of the future ahead of us. That as we frolic along those fun-filled and exciting days, we allow ourself to grow, to be more introspective, and to mature, that at the end, we will not regret that we just wasted our youth over senseless and shallow merry-making that we never had the time to prepare ourselves to be the adult that we want to be in the future.

a love to keep

I am in awe of your love for me
and like the sun's rays
your love shine its light upon me
warming my heart and soul
nourishing my very core.

Yours is the love that never ceases
Stronger than the current of the seas
I was left shaken, as if a volcanic eruption
maketh me feel your love is intense.
Typhoons and earthquakes may wreck havoc,
but there you are, still with a love that's unabated.

And looking at you, I know
that this is the love I have to keep.
For the strength of your love
is enough to weather all the storms.
Side by side, as we hold on to each other,
the whole world we shall face and conquer.

The Journey to Love

A classic saying goes that "the course of true love never did run smooth," and finding the right one for you, so to speak. They say, it's akin to finding a needle in the haystack. It's a journey to the unknown, often times leaving you perplexed, wondering, bewildered.

Finding the right one may entail several trial and errors. If you are lucky enough, he may be your first and last. But what are the odds that you will be the lucky one? In a world where "no label relationships" and "not into serious relationships" abound, what are the chances that you will find true love in an instant? It is never an ABC, and sometimes, you might end up telling yourself, "I think I have more chances in winning the lottery!"

We may feel despair, loneliness, isolation, betrayal. There are many emotions that will lurk and cripple your very core. Doubting yourself during these trying times is not far from happening. After trying to go through several dates and countless rejections, it is surely not easy to get back on your feet. When the heart is crushed, our mind and body somehow undergo this state of "paralysis." At this point, it may be harder to see the colours in our life.

But, this may just be a phase. As cliche as it may sound, time will heal the wounds. After going through several heartbreaks, one may give up, may park the quest for love in the meantime, or let the heart rest until it is ready. Whatever the choice is, what matters is, to give the heart ample time to heal and recover from pain, until it can finally wholly welcome love again.

We cannot really tell how many heartaches you will have to go through before true love will find its way. One cannot really fathom the mystery of love, and how it will be lead to you. But despite the pain of rejections and the fear of the unknown, there is one thing that we hope for. If you have been through painful heartbreaks, I hope you will let your heart heal and still believe in the beauty and power of love. It is a rocky road and path, one that is venturing to the wild. It may take some time  and maybe you will grow tired that you are no longer waiting, but at least, give it a chance and believe that it will come. No matter how dreary and weary, just trust in the process that it will happen. Allow life to surprise you and maybe one day, when you are no longer waiting or hurting, it may pass by you. And it may never leave you again.

But all this will happen, if you still believe and if you open your heart to the beautiful possibilities of still finding love, no matter how difficult it may seem.