Looking back, moving forward

Five years ago, I confessed my feelings to a dear friend. The answer wasn't exactly what I wanted it to be. We were only 23 by then, probably too young for him to commit himself; thus telling me back then he was not ready. At some point, I guess, I waited too long for him. It was a constant struggle of letting go, accepting, and feeling the same feelings again and again. How do you move forward if you just can't let go of the strong feelings you have for someone? In my case, I thought there will be no finality to this lingering question. Until one day, through a surprising twist of fate, everything changed.

Holding on too long to that love probably helped me realize I deserved better. Though I told myself that so many times back then, I somehow clung to the glimmer of hope because he was still unattached. However, when the waiting seems endless and futile, you eventually tell yourself to stop the foolishness, for it will lead you nowhere. I guess, there will really be that someone you love too much, but then cannot love you back. But even if it hurts, excruciatingly hurts at that, reality is something you have to swallow and accept, for you to get by. 

Looking back, I knew I never regretted that unrequited love. It's funny, but I learned that I am capable of loving deeply because of that person. Even if that love caused me pain, knowing that it's one sided, somehow, at the back of my mind, I knew there will come a day that a love that's meant for me will come my way, too. It may have taken a long while, but that love finally came, and it is everything I could ask for. The love I have always prayed and dreamed of is here to stay. 

Fast forward to 2019, I must say both of us are living happy lives. I learned he just got married, and though there is a tinge of hurt, knowing that up to the end he never really liked me, my heart is sincerely happy for him. He may not have chosen me or may never have loved me a bit at all, but at the end, it no longer matters. I thought I will harbor ill-feelings for him because of that one-sided love, instead, I learned to finally forgive myself and to truly wish him well. At the end of the day, we both have found the love of our life and are more than content, what more can I wish for? 

And at this point, I can only look back at the past wistfully but with smile, at the same time. Through it all, God has been truly good to me. He lead me to someone who will love me wholeheartedly and made me feel that I am truly worth it. There is no point being stuck with the pains of the past, and each day I choose to move forward, as I thank the Lord for blessing me the love I rightfully deserve.