The most disappointing thing that can happen in life is when the person who you thought will never hurt you did otherwise. There are people who you thought are worth pinning your hopes, yet, at the end, they end up breaking your heart just the same. It's frustrating that sometimes, you will end up thinking that no one will really keep to that ideal, and ideals after all, do not exist. I do not want to give up that there are people who are worth waiting for, with innate goodness and the purest of all intentions. Sadly, my heart was broken and crushed this time.
Perhaps that person is not yet there, because if there is, then it should not feel so wrong at the beginning. The least that one can do is to settle, because you would not want to end up regretting it forever. Every girl deserves to be loved, appreciated, and respected, and if a man can't do it now, how much more when you are married to him? It is not selfish to guard one's heart, so that when the right one comes, you have all the love to give. Guarding one's heart does not mean you keep it locked inside the box, it is more of acting prudently and being vigilant enough, just in case users or jerks are hovering around the corner. At the end of the day, what becomes of our life is a consequence of the decisions we made earlier on. It is about making choices where you will be happy and at peace with yourself. And when you know that you can sleep without doubts and regrets, most likely, the choice was right.
It will do no good to sulk and to blame who's who on why things didn't work. I should have known better, actually. I should have learned from my mistakes, but the hurt and pain was even worse than what I have experienced, I would say. But I'm not left empty-handed; in fact, a promise of a better life is beckoning me, even if that means without him. My fear is how to start over again, when you get used to going out with someone, watching movies together, texting in the morning and before you go to bed- all those have to be deleted from my system. I am reprogrammed and reformatted, and I am back to square 1. But I'd rather start anew than be doubtful if I'm doing things right and constantly ask myself if it's worth all the pain. And besides, love is a two-way traffic. Maybe, we are both not ready yet. He has yet to grow up, and I have to work on my self, too. Either way, maybe it won't work. It's saddening, but it's the reality. Hence, the letting go part.
Even if you tried to be brave and face the reality, sometimes it does not go on your favor, too. I'm not a scaredy-cat in dealing with confrontations anymore, though I warm up, usually, and take my time before I face the person. I want to deal with it in a very mature manner; sadly, he didn't want to. I was left hanging, and hurting more. But when left on your own, what are you to do? Lady, no guy who is manly enough will left you hanging like that. I believe that a man faces even his own fears, no matter how challenging that may be.
Starting all over again is frightening, indeed. In a dog-eat and uncertain world, how could you ever survive being around with predators? But what is better, to be with someone who you are not sure if you want to spend a lifetime with, or would you rather start from scratch and wait? It's hard, right? Questions will linger such as: "what if I made the wrong choice?," "what if I never find him/her?," "what if I just tried to make it work?."
But no matter what questions you come up in your head, actually it's only your heart who can give the answer. And when you follow your heart and your gut, most likely, you know where you'll be heading, you know what will make you happy, you know you have the hope to live for today, and be excited for tomorrow. It's the heart that knows when you're finally home, back to where you truly belong. And if the heart tells you that the time it's not yet ripe, then it's time to take a retreat. But if the heart whispers that "this is it," then by all means... go for it, no matter what it takes.
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