I remember the boy

I Remember the Boy

(And a Love Story That Will Never Be)

She entered the café hurriedly, lined up the counter, and ordered her usual tea. Upon getting her drink, she searched for the most quiet spot she could possibly stay in that café. She found what she felt was the perfect spot, brought out her laptop, and began to work.

Her nose was buried into work, and was oblivious of the world around her. The noise was nothing but plain murmur, or the mere passing of sounds which her ears barely recognized at all. Maybe, this was the state of her mind and her heart, too. Drowning herself to oblivion and embracing the solitude of this world was her thing for the longest time. But in the middle of her work, a familiar deep voice, broke her “silence.”

“Myka?” the voice was from a man. It was a baritone and soothing voice. Something achingly recognizable, from someone she almost forgot. Or thought she did forget.

It took her a couple of seconds to look up and stare at the man who called her name. That few seconds of her life, she was battling a lot of things on her mind. Somethings like “How shall I start? Should I smile? Should I act apathetic? Should I act as if I no longer remember him?” But none of the things she thought happened. Instead she said, “Jacob? Is it you?” And she said all these things with voice shaking, arms a little bit trembling. She looked at him intently in the eye, searched for the emotions in the windows of the man’s soul, till she was transported back to her yesteryears…

She used to be that girl who was so infatuated with Jacob. And maybe, infatuation is such an understatement. Oh how she worshipped and loved him dearly. Jacob was the center of her world, like the gravity that pulls everything to the center of the Earth. He was smart, had the boyish charm she can’t resist, aloof but a good conversationalist. They would talk about anything under the sun, and she would see herself chatting with him till the wee hours of the night, but she would never get tired. They would have silly fights, but would end up talking to each other again even without saying sorry to one another. It seems that “destiny” always finds its way to lead them back together.

And so their friendship deepened. So just maybe, Myka thought, this friendship will soon blossom into a real relationship.

Or that was what she thought. They would go out together and she believed that the feeling is mutual. “Was it wrong to assume that he liked me, too?” Myka thought back then. Jacob was a dear friend and he was the one she can always depend on. He was the one who understood her perfectly. This could be the start of a perfect relationship.

But her dreams collided so easily, in just one blink of an eye.

They were having a sumptuous dinner after a good movie. He was his usual and casual self, talking about work, hobbies, future plans and dreams. It was a light and enjoyable conversation, until they ended up talking about girls… and relationships.

“And then they were setting me up with this girl they met at a bar,” Jacob said.

“A girl they met at a bar? Your friends met a girl at a bar?” Myka asked curiously. “Was she pretty, charming, sexy? Do you like her? Did you date her?” Her questions came one after another, waiting eagerly for answer.

“She was all that. Pretty will not even suffice. More like gorgeous, captivating. We had a good conversation, too. More like ours.”

“Do you like her? Did you date her or will you date her?” She repeated. This time her voice was insisting, yearning for his response.

“Oh yes, I like her. I think I might consider her. But not now. She will make a good girlfriend, I guess. One you can proudly show-off to your friends. Even so, I’m still not looking for a girlfriend at this time. I have other priorities. You know, work, career, travel, investments, and all that stuff. My life pretty much revolves around making a good name for myself. I’m building my empire.” He smiled at her, and as he said this, he was beaming with pride and so much confidence.

“You said you have no time for a girlfriend.” She repeated the line she just said. This time she emphasized the exact same line. She stressed it, as she wanted to hear it again, another time.

“Yes. I am not ready to have a girlfriend right now. I’m so busy. You know that, right? I barely have time for myself, even for you! Ha ha!” He said, as if trying to make a joke, and pinched her cheek lightly.

She held his hand and put it away abruptly. She stared at him, looked at him straight in the eye. She knew it felt awkward. She knew it created tension. But she did it just the same.

“Hey, hey, hey,” Jacob tried to make the atmosphere lighter, and laughed nervously after. “What’s with that look? Are you going to gobble me up? Are you still hungry? Would you like me to order more food? Come on! Tell me, what do you want?” He reached out, held her hand, and tap it lightly after.

“Why don’t you want a girlfriend?” She asked, this time, with her voice cracking.

“Hey, Myka. Let’s not get serious! You know me. I’m such a baby. Wa-wa.” He tried to make face as he said the word “baby.” “I still depend on you so much. Someday, when I’m a big boy, more so, a man. I’ll be ready to court a girl, I guess. In the meantime, I’ll be your baby boy.” He laughs, seemingly enjoying his joke.

“I’m in the mood for your jokes, Jacob.” She was angry and nervous now. She could feel her heart and mind, pounding, ready to burst. At any moment, she will explode.

“What’s wrong, Myka?” Jacob looked at her in the eye, searching for an answer. Her mood was all different. She avoided his stare. He held her hands. She tried to let go. He held her hands even tighter.

“Well, I am the one who is wrong, Jacob!” How can you not know? How can you not know that I like you? How can you not feel that I have been here waiting all along?” Tears welled up her face uncontrollably.

“Myka…” Jacob looked shocked, or rather confused. He seemed dumbfounded, and the Jacob who was so certain of himself, looked like a lost child. Her name was all he could say. He was groping, trying to find the right words to say.

The conversation and the dinner that night did not end up so well. Of course, Jacob was consistent in his stand that it is not the right time to have a relationship with anyone else, even with Myka. She left heartbroken, and her world turned upside down. They did not have a chance to patch things up. And Jacob did not attempt to reach out after that incident. All he did was to leave a letter which he sent to Myka’s house via mail. The letter contained an apology, for he knew, he could not reciprocate his close friend’s love, and even if it hurts to say those words,  he had to be honest, rather than further hurt Myka’s feelings. Even so, it hurts her just the same.

They did not have a chance to meet after that incident. Jacob seemed too afraid to even approach Myka. Myka was deeply hurt with the “rejection” and the “avoidance.” So at the moment, right in this coffee shop, Myka has no idea, what to expect, from this “friend” of hers. Though she believed, she is ready with what she has to say.

“It has been a long time, Myka. How are you?” Jacob sounded sincere. She knows, for he was her close friend after all. Here is that man, who used to be the friend she would talk to almost every day. But now there is that high wall between them.

“Yes, it has been so long, Jacob. I’m doing very well, as you can see. I don’t know if you have heard, but I just came back from Australia. And I’m just here for a short vacation. I will be back anytime soon.” She tried to sound aloof. She wanted to sound that she is on a hurry.

“Aren’t you even going to ask, how I was? It has been years. It has been years we have not talked.” This time, he pulled a chair, sat down, and clasp his hands together. “How can he act so confident? How can he act as if he did not ever avoid me?” Myka was in awe of what she is seeing. She cannot feel trepidation in his voice, not at all.

“You seem your usual self, I believe. Confident, so self-assured. As I see it, Jacob.” She was still trying to maintain that distance.

“That has been a long time, Myka. For God’s sake. Seeing you at this café, unexpectedly, is just so rare. I took a chance to say, Hi, and this is what I get?” He sounded a little annoyed, and she is uncertain of what Jacob expects from her, at this point.

“I was not the one who forgot things so easily, Jacob. After that “eventful” dinner, you disappeared from my life. But oh yes, you left a letter. Thank you for giving me a goodbye letter.” She is now sarcastic, anger starts to rise.

“I regretted that, Myka.” He tried to calm down, assuring her, that he really did.

“I regretted that I let go easily, Myka. I regretted not talking to you. Yes, I was a coward. And when you left, God knows, how I felt stupid. But what can I do? I’m just so lost. I don’t know what to do after your confession. Oh yes, I knew I was not ready. I’m such a fool for doing that. But years passed, and things have changed. For once, can you please accept my sorry? Can you please accept my apology and let me do things right, and start again?” 

Myka felt the sincerity in his voice. This was what she had been wanting to hear after all those years. After all those years. And the years were long, and the time has passed. He said it himself that years did pass and things have changed. He was still that guy who would go for his dreams, but is lost when it comes to matters of the heart. She tried to look at him fondly and she also did try to feel her heart. Was she hurt? Yes. But not that much anymore. It was more apt to say, that she has learned to move forward, after all those years. And this time, she was ready, for the answer that she had been rehearsing for the longest time, in her heart, and in her mind.

“I was waiting for that exact and same words, Jacob. But you cannot expect me to say, yes, so easily, in this random coffee shop in this part of the world, after bumping into me coincidentally. God has been a witness of how I cried so hard and maybe regretted that I said those words to you. But I was not prepared that you will vanish from my life that easily back then. You said you were lost? I was more than lost! Before I left, I know that you knew that I was leaving, I was hoping that you would even drop by to say, what? Goodbye, Hi, Hello, Bon Voyage, God bless your trip? I just want to hear anything random from you, Jacob! I was waiting all those years and I did not get any word, not a single sound or letter even from you!” She can hear heart thumping. These were the words, and now she finally has uttered them.

“I tried to, Myka. I’m just a coward back then. I’m sorry.” He really seemed regretful know. For the first time in Myka’s life, she feels that she will see Jacob ready to cry.

“I know, Jacob. I can honestly feel how sorry you are right now.”

“Then are you ready to give me a chance? Just this one chance, Myka?” He held both Myka’s hands, but Myka pulled them instantly.

“I can’t.” Myka gave a quick answer.

“But, why?” Jacob was stricken. But Myka did not allow it to get into her.

“Because I have moved on now. I have lived a good life, without you, after so long. I learned to be happy on my own. And I can still be happy for more years to come, because I feel so free. My heart is free from pain, hurt, and fears.” Myka was so convinced with her answer and she said it with all her heart.

“You know, what?” she continued. “ I just want you to be happy, sincerely. Whatever that happiness is, I hope you find it, in the same way I just did. And though it was not expected of her, she stood up, and gave him a tight hug, much to his surprise.

“I may not see you again, after this. But I’m glad I did. Live a good life, will you? And after this conversation, remember me as your good friend, as you will always be to me, no matter what happened between us.” With those words, she felt no more anguish. She was relieved. And finally, she was ready to totally heal and forgive, the man who broke her heart.

Jacob hugged her back tight, seemingly not ready to let go. But Myka released him, and looked at his face, his eyes.

“I’m sorry, Myka. Is this goodbye?” Jacob’s voice started to crack.

“I think it is.” Myka smiled and looked at him fondly, again. “I’m a permanent resident in Australia now. And it might take long before I come back for a visit.”

“Will you send me a message? May I chat with you sometime?” Jacob was hopeful. He was thinking he can still have the slightest chance.

But Myka knew the answer, yet she said. “Maybe, Jacob. Maybe.”

Then she turned back, grabbed her laptop and bag, and left, with head high. She did not say goodbye, nor did she try to look back. There were no tears, no pain, no anger, no regrets. There were just plain memories of yesterday, of the boy she used to love greatly, of a love story that will never be.

All there is a woman who became strong after a painful heartbreak, who just conquered her world, and someday soon, is ready to fall in love, in the right time, again.