DEAR CHICO, DELAMAR, AND GINO... My colleague, Lara and her best friend started going out after Lara professed her feelings for him. I actually prodded her to do so, since I think something’s going on between them. After the “confrontation,” Lara and I thought all is well as the guy said they will take it one step at a time. We were happy and contented about the results by then.
Just when I thought that everything was smooth sailing between them, Lara said she started to have doubts when the guy acts “sweet” when they are together, but different when their friends are around. To assess things, she had a moment of silence to just test if the guy will try to communicate and reach out. The guy didn’t. Nevertheless, she still communicates with him from time to time.
I know my friend is still holding on, and I told her that if a guy loves her, he will move mountains for her. But we can never tell if he’ll ever be ready for her. What should I say to my friend? Do you think she should confront him, given their “confusing” status? Or should she take his silence as a sign that he’s not just into her, and maybe move on? I know it’s difficult for her, the guy being her best buddy, but I don’t want her to further hurt herself either. - MAE
CHICO SAYS… Yes, I agree that a guy who likes a girl will move mountains, among other things, just to “own” a girl that he fancies to make sure he marks her as his and sends other suitors a warning to stay away. So when a guy is non-committal about where a girl stands in his life, it is rather odd. Sorry for the generalization, but it’s the girls who are usually more purposely vague about how they feel. Men like you or they don’t. That said, I’m not saying that he doesn’t like your friend. But one thing is clear, there is a reason why he’s acting this way. It could be that he’s not really into her, but it could be one of many reasons as well. I suggest your friend gets to the bottom of things. She needs to know why he wouldn’t be as demonstrative with her when his friends are around. Sometimes it’s just a matter of Pink’s song “Just Another Reason,” where to the guy everything’s fine, but to the girl, their relationship just disintegrated into irretrievable decay. They’re pretty new into the relationship, so it’s quite normal for there to be lapses in communication. They don’t speak the same language yet, so it’s very easy to misinterpret each other’s words and actions. It’s very crucial that they actually say the words, as opposed to merely reading each other. They need to talk. It is step one to finding out if they just need a little fixing, or if it’s finally kaput.
DELAMAR SAYS... It sounds like the guy is trying to be ‘polite.’ It’s as if he doesn’t want to hurt her feelings and so after she professed her feelings he just went with the flow and let things happen as she wanted it. In a relationship, though, you want to be wanted by the person you want. You don’t want someone who will only want you as long as you want him. You want someone you know is present at the other end of the relationship, loving you as much as you love him.
This test of silence she gave him leaves too many questions. Go direct and ask him if he wants to be in a relationship with her or did he feel forced into it? Tell her to ask him point blank. And should the answer be NO, be mature enough to accept it without retaliation. After all, we all have to go into a relationship willingly. Of course, it’ll hurt but at least she’ll find out if the guy is really hers or not. If he isn’t, have a good cry about it. Mope as long as she needs. And then? Well, move on, hopefully to someone who will want and love her as much as she wants and loves him.
GINO SAYS... As with any other relationship what I always suggest is communication. I think that no harm can come from talking to the other person about it. You can speculate about it all you want but whatever it may be, the only way to really find out is to talk about it.
Think about it this way, if you talk about it now your friend might still be able to fix it. If they don’t see eye to eye, then they can part ways earlier and avoid the situation getting deeper and more painful.
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