introspections

And some people will come and go into your life, and sometimes when you least expect it, they will.

It's a sad fact of life that not everyone who comes will stay forever. Life, as always, is full off changes, very transitory, ephemeral, and fleeting. Sometimes, we will be left aghast as to how we will get along with others well, be acquaintances, buddies, friends (and even more). Yet, the next thing we know is they started to disappear, pooof vanish out of our lives, forever. Countless people touched our lives, in one way or another, but a number of them will just pass by, like the air that gently touches one's cheeks, for a minute or a swift second. 

 At times it will also be useless to look for things that you want to last. Like friendships, relationships, and love. If it will come when you least expect it, do you still have to go the distance to search in vain, at the end of the day. After trying to play all your cards, and eventually lose at the end, is it still worth it? It pains to lose, but maybe, it is still worth it, maybe if we look at our failures as a learning experience.

Bucket of tears will be shed. But we can't help but love and depend on others too, most of the time. Though they say it is better not to attach oneself to anybody, it may sound too pessimistic a view, as no man is an island. We are by nature a gregarious and social being- born to mingle, interact, and communicate. We have a heart made to feel, care, and love. And even if that love may be a friendly, brotherly, or romantic one, we still feel it and give it wholeheartedly, despite the fact that sometimes, it's unrequited, or the person to whom you give it to is not even worth it.

Still despite all the pains it may still be worth the wait. Maybe it will still be worth the tears. Who knows? The searching will still be worth it And when you still feel the pain, it may not be over yet. Life is a long long journey that we all travel. It's indeed a long... long journey...and eventually we may find our way back home, to whoever or whatever it is that we are all looking for.

Feel the pain until it hurts no more.
Go on. Sail and discover. Who knows what you may have found?
And when sometimes it's not worth it anymore,
we can always rest for a while, but don't give up on the dreams we are fighting for.

#bad hair day

I get so tired of people suddenly throwing their bouts of irritation and losing their temper on me, for reasons unknown. I know I may have faults, I can be naughty at times, but that does not give them the liberty to be grouchy on me.

They say that you can't be nice or people will use and abuse you, I guess that's true. The moment I become the goody-goody too shoes and nice girl next door, apparently, it does not go to my advantage. In fact, I can even be lambasted because of it. Sometimes, being a mean girl also pays off. It allows people to keep some sort of a distance because you know how to fight for yourself.

When you're nice, warm, kind-hearted, and accommodating, people feel as if you would always "understand." Mabait naman yan eh, okay lang yan. They wouldn't even bother thinking if you get annoyed, hurt, or offended, in any way. They feel that your patience is exuding and overflowing, when in fact you are not a saint, and you have your limits too.

I'm tired of the shitty treatment of the people around me. Apparently, even if you treat them with kindness, they can still afford to distance themselves from you. I didn't do anything wrong, so why should I be the one to ask myself, "what have I done?"  I guess this is a challenge for me to be more assertive and to learn to fight back. It all takes courage, but that's way too hard. But if I want to stop this seemingly unfair treatment towards me, I should not always stoop low and say "it's okay" when the hell it is not. I should tell the person straight to his/her face that "I didn't like what you do," or "your immaturity is not my responsibility," much more "I don't deserve to be treated that way."

Even heroes have the right to bleed. And I am not a deity or a superhero. It all gets tiring too, at the end of the day. I hate to displease and hurt others. But how come I feel all these?

The world can sometimes be unfair. But all I know is, you teach people how to treat you. The moment I learn to stand for myself, I guess all these will be put to a halt.

23 @ January 2013

My birthday is fast approaching, and even with life's uncertainties and unpredictabilities, I still feel excited but a little sentimental. I am excited because it's simply a day to be joyful, thankful, and to celebrate. Much has been given to me, really for 23 long years. Yes, I'm turning 23 this January 24! A year older, and hopefully better and wiser! The past experiences mold me to become the person I am right now, and I have no regrets nor bitterness, just lessons learned. I have no doubts and questions at all, really. In terms of my career, education, family, friendships, finances and spiritual growth, I know I am abundantly blessed. As what I am always saying, I am this point in time where I am happy with what God has given me, and whatever it is that is not yet here, I am still waiting for it with high hopes and patience, knowing that it will be granted soon. I keep the faith and fire burning in my heart.

Somehow, I also feel a tinge of sentimentality, maybe because I am a year older, and yes.... more expectations from others which can really make or break you. Starting last year though, I have learned not to make these pressure get into my mind. I hear them utter those words, it enters my left ear and comes out to the right. We just have to accept that we cannot please everyone, for crying out loud. The moment you allow them to make you feel that you are incomplete, incompetent, and lacking, then that will be tantamount to a life of doubts and discontentment. And as I turn 23 years old, I'd like to shoo away that kind of thinking. We are what we think, so if I chose to live simply, happily, and with contentment, that is my call.

After these bouts of introspection, I seriously want to thank all those people who have been with me along the way: God, my family, my classmates, friends, church mates, students, colleagues, online buddies, text buddies, and even all my blog readers here in Blogger world. Life is a vast ocean we have to sail, but I was able to weather all the storms in my sea of life because I know there are people who loves, depends, cares, and looks up to me. I want to make these people happy in the same way that they give me the energy to radiate joy. My love tank is full and I want to share that love to others too. So before I turn another year older, thank you, whoever you are. I look forward to more years and birthdays and I hope that you will be with me as I journey on.

Gratitude. A happy and contented heart. Peace of mind. Love. Wisdom. Charity. Those are just the things I am asking for on my birthday. I'm at this point in life where I sort of let go of ambitious and grand dreams. As always, I am always a simple girl who can be easily made happy by someone through their littlest and sincerest efforts. I am not after the material things anymore, because I know those won't last. God knows the desires of my heart, and I still do look forward to what He has in store for my birthday. I am waiting, waiting, and waiting! I seem to never get tired of it, honestly! Hehehehehe :D

And anything that is beautiful in His time is worth the sacrifices and the wait. My arms are wide open and I just want to do all that I can to be an inspiration to others. Life is not just always about me. I want to sail, or fly, and spread myself all the more. I can do anything, because I have the passion to achieve my dreams. I am opening myself to the out pour of blessings. I am full of zest and excitement. I really am.

Happy birthday to me. And yes, may the Lord give me the desires of my heart. 

1/24/2013 is the day!

of challenges and hurdles

These past few days, even if it was just the start of the year 2013, have been too tight and smothering. We are seemingly reaching the impossible dream through our impossible deadlines, so to speak. In moments like these, how I wish I can just shout at the top of my lungs, and later on maybe vanish. I'm not feeling lonely, it's just that sometimes, the demands of our work can be too much for me to bear. There's no doubt that I love teaching, no matter how difficult it may be. But sometimes, you just want some distance and rest for all the toxicity brought about by the world of work. If I can just fade away....

Another thing that bothers me is my close friends from work leaving and resigning soon. I never really talked about this, but as the school year is almost ending, I can sometimes feel the sadness too. Work becomes a breeze, even with all the stress if you have established good friendships with some of the people around. You go out together, relax, dine out, drink, and simply have fun over the endless stories (and even complains) bout work and your personal life. It all feels good when you get a pat from the back, a joke, or a hug from them. Life goes on despite all the hurdles because of good friends, and with them leaving, I wonder how I will make it through next year.

And to whom will I share my rants, my frustrations, disappointments and worries in work? Will I be able to still radiate happiness even without them? These may be senseless worries that I am having, but still I do feel bad. However, it's good to know that not everyone close to me will leave. There are some who will still remain, and I guess I should make our bond stronger. This may be the best time to know more of my colleagues, and eventually gain more friends.

I know I'm not really alone. Life will not end with them leaving and seeking for another workplace where they think they will grow more. If all else seems so challenging and tiring, I can always seek refuge in the arms of my Maker. I can always relay to him all my worries, struggles, and fears, and soon everything will turn out fine. And besides He will not take away something without replacing it with something (or maybe someone) better. I'll just wait for the major surprise in store for me next school year, and in the months to come.

As my mom would always tell me, I am never in control with the lives of my friends. It could not be helped that they will come and go. But as they leave, I am certain that the wondrous memories will be forever etched in my heart. And it times of despair, I will draw inspiration and courage from the memories of those happy times. I will carry on and make it through all the rain. I have a stronger umbrella, so I should not be afraid of the storm. There's nothing that I cannot do and withstand. All it takes is a positive mind and a faithful heart that will be in unison in believing that all will be well. :D

para kay "the one who got away"

Ikaw, oo, ikaw.

Ikaw yung "the one who got away" ko.

Lahat nga siguro ng pick-up line pwede ko ng aralin, para sana mapansin at tingnan mo lang ako. Wa-epek ba? Siguro?

Ang tagal ko na ding nagdadasal. Pinagdaanan ko na lahat. Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Depression. Pero nasa process pa din ako ng acceptance.

Sabi ko nga akala ko "Just when I though I was over you" na ang peg ng buhay ko. Nagdaan na ang lahat ng bagyo, biglang "Ill never get over you" naman... pwede ring "I'll never go far away from you." At the end of the day, kumakanta ang puso ko "Bakit nga ba mahal kita?" Best friend ko na tuloy si Roselle Nava.

Kailan oh kailan, kailan mo ba mapapansin ang aking lihim? Kahit anong gawing lambing, di mo pinapansin. Lahat na ata ginawa ko. Inaway na kita, naglalambing, nagpapakabait, nagsusungit, nagdidisappear, ngunit sa puso ko'y ikaw pa rin! Awwww!

Ang hirap ng ganito. And I hid inside, till I almost died. Lagi kitang tinitingnan pag sa malayo. Hanggang tingin na lang, pasulyap-sulyap, admiring you from afar...from a distance. Minsan nakakatempt na ngang lumapit sa yo. Magpakilala, kahit kilala mo na ko. Baka kasi di pa nakaimprint sa puso mo yung pangalan ko eh, ako na ang gagawa para sa 'yo.

Pero ayaw ko din namang ipilit sarili ko. That's why I tried to maintain some sort of distance. Pero after all what I have been through, it all comes down to you, and only you. Sana nga it's meant to be the two of us after all. Pero ang tanong kasi: should I give up, or should I keep on chasing pavements? Hanggang kailan, hanggang saan, hanggang matapos ang kailanpaman?

Sabi ko nga napapagod din ang puso. Sutil na puso to eh. Pasaway sobra. Kadenahan ko nga. Swooosh, kumakawala. Hinahabol ka eh. Tumitingin ako sa iba, you know. Promise. Kaso, soulmate nga ata talaga kita. Ang malas ata, hanggang doon na lang ata yon. Friendzoned, I guess so ganun na nga ata ang mangyayari. Ayoko ng friends forever, kung ako lang ang tatanungin, tuloy, ang heartstrings ko, "why can't it be the two of us, why can't we be lovers, only friends."

Sana at the end "tayong dalawa." Ang sarap siguro nun. Ang tagal na kitang hinihintay. And I can't stop the madness until it explodes, minsan. Which goes to say, ang hirap pigilin ng damdamin. Mr. Kupido, sablay ka pumana. Yan tuloy.

Minsan okay ka eh. Para ka lang talagang puzzle piece, which you have to unravel and solve the mystery.

But still and all, tama nga si Kat. Gusto kita. Sobra. Kaso may mga bagay na kailangan "time-out" muna. Pwede kasing nagiintay ako sa wala. Pwede ding sobra na kong si gaga at tanga. All these time, baka sa yo lang ako nakatingin. So is it safe to say na kailangan I should expand my vision. Baka kasi hanggang dito lang tayo. Baka kasi we are not really meant to be.

"In another life, I will be your girl."

Pero kung tayo, there's gonna be one less lonely girl. :D