heartspeaks

After all that's said and done, things aren't still clear between him and me. I am really at a hazy and crazy stage right now. Though I am thinking about it lesser as compared to the first weeks of the so called "break-up stage." Apparently, he said he did not break up with me; thus leaving me bewildered and perplexed as to what he really wants to happen. He said we will talk, and in my heart, I want to, honestly. I'd love to see him, though I know it might lead to another heartbreaking encounter

Right now, I am becoming more open to the possibilities of letting him finally go, because as of the moment , it might be the best for the two of us. Since he told me that he cannot really give me his time, then might as well I don't harass him anymore and leave him all by himself. That way, maybe we can rethink and make our lives easier. As for him, he can focus more on his work, and as for me, I will no longer expect and get hurt. Sometimes it is really better to move on and to separate ways. That does not mean though that I love him less. I love him too much that I can give him his freedom if he wants to. Maybe by then, if he really loves me, he can take time to contemplate on how to make things better. The time apart may allow us to grow mature, and should we decide to try it again, it may intensify the love we have. Or it may lead us to finding our one true love, somewhere out there :).

I wish I can really talk to him. My heart is in a hurly-burly and whirlwind state. At one point, I feel calm and serene that I know I can handle the situation with ease. Then at some points, I will feel annoyance, disgust, and loathing. It's not easy to be in such a state, that I wish I can just evaporate. I know this bouts of unbalanced emotions will soon pass, the moment we talk, perhaps. I just hope and pray fervently that we will be both enlightened when we meet again. I am praying that he will say no honey-sweet words, but just the truth. If he cannot commit his time and effort, then  I need it to hear from him, so I will no longer expect and get hurt.

I realized then that love works when two people are committed to make it last. It's a two way traffic, that needs the cooperation of the parties involved. It's just that you have so much to give and apparently, he is not at par with what I have right now. I can do so much for him, even if that means forgiving and letting go of the past. What's hard though is that I still have trust issues, and every time I do not hear from him, I am paranoid of his whereabouts and he might disappear again. He can be really enigmatic and complicated, and no matter how hard I try, I cannot understand him a hundred percent. I won't proclaim though that I am perfect. I am full of flaws as a girlfriend. I can be childish, irksome, suspicious, inquisitive, illogical, irrational and inexpressive  I still have a lot to learn, but that does not mean I rest my laurels on being the imperfect one that I am. As it is, life is a work in progress, and the more I commit mistakes, the more I learn on how to make things right. To be totally mature will take time, and now is not yet the moment for that. I am learning and constantly trying to work on my frailties, that's what I can commit. I am aware of my weaknesses, and I have the willingness to make them as strengths, slowly but surely.

God knows when will be the perfect time for us to talk. But my heart hopes that it will be soon. I am hanging by the thread still. I want to tell him how I felt, feel, and am still feeling right now. Maybe he'll listen intently and realize. Whatever it is that he will realize then, is already up to him. What I just want to is vent out all my grievances, pain, hurt, agonies, and concerns. The next step, I'll leave up to him. But if it's just my choice, I am open to letting it all go.