Do you know how
painful it is when you have been through something which is hazy and uncertain?
It pains terribly, that you are left to question your worth as a person. They
say that you have to stop nourishing the pain and do not think about it
anymore, but after all that’s said and done, I have to go through the same
experience again. I realized though that I live in a world of pretensions, and
as of the moment, I am not a hundred percent okay. I am keeping my faith and
sanity intact, because people always say that a number of good things are in
store for someone like me. I’m trying to believe them, honestly, though
sometimes I feel that those are just words of consolation. I’m feeling that… it
pains to wait again, as always.
Sometimes, I just cannot help
but ask a lot of things which really bug me. At the end of the day though, I do
a lot of self-correction because it is not right to question God why I have to
undergo a lot of pain. I mean, it’s just difficult though to comprehend why
things would have to be this way? After all that I did, I don’t really think I
deserved to be treated like a trash and be dumped, and when he feels like picking me up again, he would. For
goodness sake, I know I am more than what he thinks of me, apparently, he never
sees me that way. And it’s painful when everyone around you treasures you like
a precious gem, and that person you really cared about will just break your
heart as if, you are a nothing, a zero, a rubbish. We accept the love we think
we deserve (From The Perks of Being a Wallflower). Maybe it’s true, I’ve
lowered down my standards so much, and I thought all will be okay, when in
fact, it was not, and it isn’t… still.
I told myself that I will have
to grant him forgiveness, which I think I did. And why was it so easy for me
then? Am I a silent suffering martyr who can just yield to whatever
circumstance is presented to me? Or maybe I am really meek and humble by
nature. I know I do not deserve such pain coming from him, the way he treats me
and sees me, but for the time being, I will just succumb to the suffering
because I know I will eventually learn. I just hope that I have a time machine
right now, I want to maneuver my life and fast forward it to my future, to that
day when I will be giving a sigh of relief for all is finally well. But I am
asking for the impossible again, so here I am still suffering silently, stuck
in the same platform.
I would like to cry and shed
tears again just to let go of the pain. Everything is still painful for me,
though they said I should not take it seriously. But when I try to think of why
I allowed myself to be wallowed into such a situation, it all boils down to the
fact that I have just been hoping for having a happy ever after story with that
person I really cared for. Maybe it really is not meant to be. I wish I could
just close my eyes and never remember the terrifying sadness that haunts and
kills me every now and then. It is too much to bear for me. I am trying to be
strong, as always, and by all means doing all the possible things that can make
me happy, carefree, and productive as ever. It gets different though when
nighttime comes, and you lie down on your bed, and the stillness of the night
hovers.
To fall into a deep slumber is a
comfort. And I wish then that I can just sleep and let it all go. But even
before I close my eyes, a number of things ran into my mind and my head. I just
cannot stop it, and I still am getting impatient. If only I can just slap the
person responsible for making me feel this way, but I know when he’s in front
of me, I cannot. My hands are too weak
for that, or maybe I just wouldn’t stoop so low, or I guess I just can’t really
hurt him just the same. Or do I still care for him that much? It’s vexing to
think that I still have good faith in him, when I really shouldn’t. Why should
I still believe that he has still that goodness in him when the whole world is
telling me that he is a good for nothing jerk? Maybe my heart and head is as
hard as a stone, and I am refusing to accept the reality. But until when, up to
what point, to what extent?
Or maybe I should not hurry at
all. I have to go through all the pain, but not really nurturing or taking care
of it. There’s no need to pretend that I am a hundred percent okay when I am
not. If I’d like to cry in the middle of the night, I will. I wouldn’t care if
people will find it odd or eccentric, besides, they do not know the hell I am
going through. So what right do they have to judge? I will embrace the pain for
now, and in time I know time will heal all the wounds. Time can tell what’s
really in store or when I can say with finality that I’m over thinking about
him. The more I tell myself to let it all go, the more I do the opposite of
what I think. It is still all here and no words of encouragement can ease the
sadness and frustration that I am experiencing right now. But on a positive
note, it is really wonderful to see that there are a lot who is helping me
along the way. However, I know that even if they do encourage and have faith in
me, things are still not perfectly better.
I will do nothing special to
forget the pain but be my usual self- trying to be happy, cheerful, positive,
courageous, and resolute despite all life’s hurdles, obstacles, storms, and
adversities. The sun will soon shine on me, and the darkness will take its
flight and leave me. I deserve to be happy, too. After all that I’ve been
through, I know, someone will love me the way I want him to. Someday, someone
will treat me the way I should be, and that someone will take care of me and
never ever let me go, and will never allow me to doubt my worth.
And no matter what happens, even
if for the time being that person made me doubt my value, I know, I am
precious, I know I am worthy to be loved, it’s just a matter of time. I am not
trash, not now, not ever.
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