Monday, August 19, 2013

A glimmer of hope in the midst of darkness

Is there still hope for the Philippines? That is a question every Filipino has in their head. A question in which the answer is undefined up to now.

Recently, we have just experienced the catastrope brought about by the incessant rains of the typhoon Maring. On the side, there are issues on pork barrel, corruption, and proper allocation of the people's funds. While everyone was praying that the rain would cease and the floods will subside, I just cannot help but think: we experience the same scenario every year, there was Ondoy, Habagat, and Maring. And every year, it gets worse. But why are there floods and landslides every year? Or maybe since time immemorial, tracing it back up to the time where our memory serves us right.

We should not ignore the fact that part of the flooding and landslide is due to the negligence and abuse of people. We cut down trees and do not replace them, we devastate the mountains, we convert more farmlands to subdivisions, we throw trash insensibly. We are never responsible for our own actions. And when mother nature takes its course, its wrath is always destructible. So here we are, still left in this seemingly hopeless situation, the vicious cycle goes on and on.

On the other hand, everyone who's wishfully thinking can't help but hope that our politicians also be responsible for the funds entrusted into their hands. Those are people's money, and we the common folk, who work tirelessly, expect that the money being deducted from our salary will be put into good use. And an example of a proper allocation of that fund will be the facilities we can use in times of emergencies like this- rubber boats and other life-saving equipment which are not substandard, medicines, evacuation centers, and relief goods. Add up to that, since we do not wish to deal with all the hassle of the floods from time to time, maybe a better road and flood system would be deemed helpful and essential. People want a temporary solution to these perennial problems, and the government should not keep their heads cool on matters like this.

The pinpointing goes on and on. The issues of corruption and dishonesty prevails, just like as many cities and provinces continue experiencing the outpouring flood. When will the water level go down? Or will it subside and then appear again? Will the strong winds of corruption and dishonesty keep on bashing our country like that of a typhoon? Will it keep devastating lives, depriving the populace of what they rightfully deserve, a right to a good life? And when will it ever stop, or maybe be lessened, or will it ever be?

The gloominess when a typhoon wreaks havoc is a metaphor to the real situation of our country. Winds will do shake and break us, so as the issues in the government, that comes to and fro. The people experiencing flooding, struggle to be saved, and so are we, the Filpinos, from this depressing state of corruption and dishonesty. We want to have light after this bleak storm, and we just cannot wait for the sun to shine again, and be back to our normal lives. Filipinos want to be freed from that misery, as ideal as it may sound. And lest we all act, from the common folks, to the middle class, the noveau-rich, and those who are part of the government, the same question will still be hovering on our heads.

Is there still hope for the Philippines? Let's not just hope that there is hope. We should act to make things hopeful for us, to yield positive and good results. In our own ways we can. There is always a call to move, and to make bold and courageous actions. We should not wait, as the time is now. No more cursing, loathing, denial, and pointing of fingers - lest we do not want a total wipe-out ala Noah's flood before the Philippines can start a new.

Monday, August 12, 2013

I am Titanium :)

The expectations that society give can really be overwhelming, drowning, and excruciating. At the age of 20-21, they expect you to graduate, which is pretty normal, and should really be the case. After you land a good job, save for yourself, help your parents in the process, people will start bugging you the perennial question of whether you are in a relationship or not. If you are, congratulations, people are happy for you, but wait, there's more, they will ask you "so when are you going to get married?" And if not, then brace yourself, you'll be bombarded with "Why not?" Let me rephrase it "Oh What's wrong with you, yadda yadda yadda." Sometimes people will even have the temerity to say "So don't you feel lonely that you are single." And here comes the "life threatening" statement, "It's hard to grow old. You are not getting any younger. The clock ticks, fast!" As if getting into a serious relationship is as easy as ABC or 123.

Seriously speaking, those expectations can be frustrating and nerve racking. I mean, what the hell is wrong with being single? Even Ramon Bautista would say, "there's nothing wrong with being single. There's no problem, really. You just allow the comments of the people around you to get into your head, and that creates a problem." I am not saying that being in a relationship is problematic, either. Come on, don't you feel happy when you see people in love. But if you want to be in a relationship like that, what's the need to rush?

For 3 years this has been an experience I am battling with. And honestly, it was nightmarish. I feel frustrated because I see couples around me who are very much in love. Some of my friends are getting married and having kids (they married early though). There are times when I will cry out of frustration and even question myself if something's wrong and I would feel the hole, the gap, the space, the missing link. I felt I was incomplete. I would date and meet guys, expect that the person I have been long waiting for will love me, chase him in the process. But then life can really be hard on you, because if it won't, you will never learn. As time goes by though, I had a change of heart and perspective.

I know I still need to be in love. But now, even if people would bug me, I would just shrug off my shoulders and smile. I'm still young, beautiful, smart, what the hell is wrong with me? Nothing. I am not incomplete. I am living my life according to how I want it. I have good friends, a stable job, a family who supports me, a God who never leaves me, a promising life is ahead of me. What else can I ask for? Yes, my life is not perfect. But I will not allow my being single to make me feel less of a woman. I am who I am. This time, nothing and no one can ever shake me. "I'm bullet oroof, nothing to lose. Fire away.. fire away."

A serious relationship is not meant to be rushed. So I meet guys along the way, and just be happy I met them. This time, no pressure. No expectations, at all. Better? Yes, it is. You don't get hurt even if you met a lot along the way and still there's no prospect. A good friend of mine once told me, just go and continue what you are doing right now. Go out, enjoy, sail, meet more people, girls and boys alike. Out of the many encounters you have, who knows, you'll meet that "one."

So I've dated and tried, and didn't work out. Try again. Never stop believing. Life is a work in progress. You fail, you commit mistakes. You learn. You're better. People will judge you and mock you for they feel the delay of your love story. At times I would even be lambasted by saying, you are already too open and friendly, and still no one falls for you (with a cruel laugh). Painful? Yes it is, most certainly. But crestfallen? No. I've guarded myself. I just take good note of the harsh things they said. After all, even with all the good that you do, people will still have something negative to say about you.

And a relationship for me, is something serious. I don't play games. I want to get married, to the right person. To someone who loves me and is more than ready. To someone who will fight for me and will stand by me. I want to marry a man who stands firm in his belief and in his principles. And whilst on my journey to finding that love, I am making myself the "right woman" for the right man. Marriage is a commitment as well. You need a stable job to feed the baby and raise a family. Sometimes, it's just not about love. It's also about commitment, maturity, and responsibility.

Time can tell when I'll find that love. After all what happened in my life, I learned to toughen and make myself numb to what people say about me. I realized I don't always have to listen to them. It's a cruel test. You make yourself deaf because you don't want them to get the hell out of you. But when you are able to do so, you can hold your head up high and say:

You shout it loud, but I can't hear a word you say
I'm talking loud, not saying much
I'm criticized, but all your bullets ricochet
you shoot me down, but I get up.

So shoot me down, I won't fall
cause I am Titanium! :)

Saturday, August 10, 2013

invisible invincible

Life is somehow on the rocks recently. I wish I could say it's a breeze, but there's just so much to be stressed about. I'm not complaining really. This time I will be narrating the facts, because they happen for real. Still and all, I try my best to keep it cool.

I started the school year telling myself that everything will be fine. For the first few months, it is. As time progressed, well, things sort of changed. I still love my students, but they do get the hell out of me sometimes. They are little angel-devils. Don't be deceived if they are cute and oh so loving. They are mischievous, but yeah well yeah, you love them still. Talk about unconditional love, maybe I'm good at that.

With great power comes great responsibility, so as much as possible, I avoid committing myself to extra school work, lest I want myself exhausted, drained, and dead (just exaggerating). I don't volunteer myself and I shrug my shoulders off when there's a meeting or gathering. I guess instead of loving where I'm at, I'm starting to be more detached, numb, and sometimes...cynical. This is not good.

There's just so much expectations from work. Morning meetings, Character Formation, Excellent Teaching, Discipline, Diligence, Responsibility, Prudence, Modesty (I am never super modest, believe me!)....and all those other virtues you can ever think of. I am not perfect though, and their expectations sometimes do frustrate me. Oh I can never really attain perfection and I am not inline for beatification. I have flaws, and I love it. As time goes by, I learned to create my own identity, and what people say about me, will never define who I am.

A source of consolation is my friends at work. Yes I do have them. We share the same sentiments and rants. And they keep me going when the going gets tough. I laugh, whine, scream, with them. And if there's a reason why I still go to work, I guess it's because of them.

These days I barely meet my other friends though. Because of what happened recently (Read my previous blogs, hoho), I started to let go of them, slowly. Time can tell when I will see them again. They are all busy, though. And I know time is our greatest opponent. The same goes for my college friends. I'm not gonna let them go, because as for me, they are the most genuine of all. These are the people who love me and accept me for who I am, who are excited for my successes, and will comfort me during my downtrodden moments. If all else fail, they listen but never judge. It's just I seem to be more laid-back compared to them. They all get busy from work. I bother them to give me time, but then again, our time never matches perfectly. We can find time, maybe, but not know. In times like this, I know, I have myself to depend on. And God is also there.

Good to know that I still know to set my priorities straight. I still join connect groups (an activity at the Feast), I am starting to attend Thursdays worship service again and I am back to writing. I miss the adrenaline rush of an ever busy life, but I guess God wants me to chill a bit. I just don't want to stay at home most of the time because I'm the time who wants to make the most out of my life. In fact, as early as now, I scheduled my summer trip already. And I am bringing my family to Bohol this time. Cheerssss! Something to look forward to, indeed.

And I still have this uncertainties as regards to work. Maybe next year is the perfect timing to say Goodbye to the school where I served for three-four years. Sad to say, even if I tried, I know it is not the place where I see myself retiring. As early as now, I have to decide where I am going- Scholastic, Science School, International School, or abroad. The decision is mine to make, and God, I just hope You will help me see where I can be my best self, and simply be happy. :) In my heart, I know, the moment I resign from work, it's gonna be liberating. So why am I restraining myself to be happy? Sometimes though, there are foolish mistakes you make. I have to learn to go out of my comfort zone.

Whatever happens in my life though,  I know it's for the best. I make my own decisions, but with guidance from my friends, family, the people who care, and God, I know I'll finally find my road to happiness. I may not be perfectly contented with what I have, but I am still thankful  for all the blessings that come my way. And at the end of the day, I will say, "thy will be done." In due time, all will be well. And I am willing to take even the steepest step, if that road will lead me to where my heart will be at home.

Friday, August 9, 2013


You are almost perfect for me. A dream I'd always want to be a reality. A star I'd always like to reach.

But sometimes, what seems to be perfect, may be too far-fetched, out of reach, or never too good for you at all.

That is what loving you did to me.

I was hurt more than I can imagine.
I cried silently. No one knows.
That when I look at our old friendship photos, I know I have to tell myself "gone were the days."

But I know, too, I don't have to dwell on that too long.
I have to slowly, but surely let you go.
Though in my weirdest fantasies, I will still picture you having a change of heart.
That you will finally have the guts, and will chase me.
I know that in reality, you won't.

All this time, all along, I have been loving you "on my own."
That it was an unrequited love- something that can only be true in my dreams.
I can't always go back to the past. The only thing left for me to do is to move forward.
No matter how painful it is, I just have to let you go.
You never really cared in the same way that I do.
You never really love me, as much as I love you.
What can be more unbearable than that?

With you I learned how to love secretly.
I learned to keep everything in my closet.
And I learned to gather my courage, and fight for what I want, too.
I learned the true meaning of love.
I learned how to be a fool out of love, just once.
And yes, I knew how to give my all, and wait, even in vain.
I knew how it is to let go, even if it's you that I have been waiting for so long.

Because I thought I could not live without you.
I was always afraid, that the moment I let it all,
the moment it didn't turn out as expected,
I will die a cruel death, deep inside.
Surprisingly, I survived.
I still am very much alive.
My life goes on and on and on, even if it means not having you around.

There will be times you will bump into my memory.
That can't be helped.
As time goes by, maybe I will finally move on.
And just smile, for all my foolishness. Yes it was.

Someday, I know, someday.

Sunday, August 4, 2013

room for change

A lot of things, which are so drastic and whirlwind, happened in my life lately. As I look back, I am still aghast, perplexed, and sometimes flabbergasted. Still and all, I try to rise above the challenge and pick up the pieces. That's the best thing to do given the situation. I may be downtrodden by then, but then again, I cannot stoop any lower anymore. Hence, I choose to stand tall, learn my lesson, and move forward as I try my very best to be strong and happy.

Losing a friend you value so dearly is not easy. At times I still feel my heart breaking, aching, and even yearning for him. But maybe after everything that transpired, it is best to distance myself from him, as I know, there are things which I can never really have. Sad to say I went overboard, and this is what I got from stepping outside the boundaries. I braced myself and did things irrationally. I was just hoping for the best, hoping it will stop all my assumptions, daydreaming, and sometimes nightmares. I thought it will be a nirvana for me, but things were so ephemeral, being unrequited, I was left still on my own. After all, it was just "one sided" and maybe my plain foolishness and stupidity. It is always, and will always be wrong to assume and expect. However, there are emotions that will intrude and can never control. Therefore, I have to let go. There is also a limit to my stupidity. I gave up instead of chasing pavements. It is painful. The long wait was all along a wrong move. But then again, I have learned.

Even if things did not go my way, I kept telling myself I do not want to be bitter or cynical about it. For people who were so sympathetic as to the turnabout of things, they felt overly concerned for me. I thank them. But I do not want to judge the person. After all, he was special to me. No, this is not part of my idiocity, this time, I'm pretty sure I am logically thinking and weighing things. It was not his fault, not even mine. We were both honest about how we felt. It was just, there are things we cannot force. Thus, the truth both set us free.

Yes, it was liberating. This time, I won't wait any longer, in vain. Is it difficult to accept that after all the praying and hoping, it was all for nothing? Yes it was. Terrorizing, agonizing, my heart was drenched in blood, for a shortwhile. not because the feelings were shortlived. In fact, it has been there hiding inside myself, a skeleton in my closet. But what can I do but just accept and move on? Reality always bites, and maybe this time, it gobbled me, slapping me hard, till I was awaken from my dreamy state.  It is beckoning me "hey girl, time to wake up. Go rise from the mud and move on." 

Was it shameful? Not really. I did what I think was best and right, even if apparently I was at the losing end. Still, I would like to say I am not a sour loser. I have nothing but acceptance, no matter how it kills me. For crying out loud, it is never easy to accept defeat, especially when it entails letting go of the person you hold on to for so long. But maybe fate has other plans for the two of us. It may never be destined by the stars, if there is such a thing. I tried to put all my efforts and best foot forward, it did not work to my advantage though. "I gave my all, but I think my all may have been too much." I fell for the wrong person, not because he may not be worth it, but because he really cannot feel the same. 

Right now is no longer the time for moping. I can never change what happened. In reality though, there were times when I want to turn back time, when everything was just smooth and carefree, when there was nothing special for him. I wished that I just didn't cross the boundary, and just killed the emotions while it was on its infancy. It bloomed so much, but perished because it simply has to. There were moments when I am sad for what I lost, a valuable person, a most cherished and treasured friendship. But of course I know I cannot hold on to the same things for so long. It was a habit I got used to, which I have to learn to outgrow from now on. I know he's just there. Perhaps one day when I am able to bury all the emotions deep in the ground, I can face him again, and smile, talk, joke around without feeling anything at all- may it be hurt, liking, or hopes. Now it is just me and my God, facing the battle on my own. I wholly welcome the change that is happening in my life.

And when a door closes, they say another one opens. Who knows what is in store after this painful experience? It may be another opportunity to succeed, to learn, to grow, to mature, to be happy, to gain, to meet more people, and maybe even to find a new love. I am starting anew. I let go of the fears and even of the pains of the past. It may be a scene that keeps on playing on my mind, but I believe I am embracing the liberty of it all. I am free from the manacles that have long bounded me. I am not keeping or hiding anything anymore. I don't have any regrets because there are no longer things which are left unsaid. And now the only thing left for me to do, is to continue living an amazing and happy life. 

He will always be special. But that's just it. I am living a new life. I am stronger, tougher, braver, and wiser than ever. I know that it is prudent to let him go and forget all what I have for him. The victory will be mine, too. Even if it's not him, in another form maybe, with another person. And this time, I believe, I am preparing myself, and soon more than ready to love again, wholehearedly. :)

Saturday, August 3, 2013

so what if "di ka crush ng crush mo?"

Friendzoned. Broken Hearted. Devastated. Taken for granted. A fool out of love.

Sino ba kasing nagsabing madaling main-love?
Siguro sa taong gusto ka din at mutual ang feelings niyo, piece of cake! Go!

Pero what if di ka talaga crush ng crush mo?
Bakit nga kaya?

Sabi ni Mr. Ramon Bautista, ang mga dahilan kung bakit hindi nanliligaw ang mga lalake ay:

1. Nahihiya ako bumili ng flower.
2. Globe ka, smart ako.
3. Ayaw sa akin ng friends mo.
4. Ayaw ko sa friends mo.
5. Ang layo ng bahay mo.
6. Andami kog  karibal na pogi.
7. Hindi ako makapagsalita pag andyan ka.
8. Baka magkanda leche-leche lang ang friendship natin.
9. Irereject mo lang ako.
10. Hindi naman kita ganoon ka gusto talaga. :(

Painful di ba? Traumatic? (Talaga?) But remember, sabi din ni Mr. RB, this is a haiku of a broken heart:

E ano ngayon
kung ayaw mo na sakin?
Hu hu hu... hu hu

Pag sinabihan kang di pa ready, ayaw sa inyo niyan. Imaginin niyo ha, pag si Aga Mulhach ang nanligaw, ready o hindi ready, re-ready yan kasi gusto niya e. 

Hindi ako naniniwala sa fate, destiny, at soulmates. Ang mundo ay binubuo ng mga pangyayaring random na kaganapan. Bahala ka sa buhay mo.

At sabi naman ng friend ko na si Kat. M:

"You dont let the person you like slip away. You effin fight hell to be with him/her."

"If you meet the girl/man of your dreams,  "WAIT! DI PA KO READY, MAGLALANDI MUNA AKO FOR LIKE THREE MORE YEARS, WAIT KA LANG DYAN AH!"? No! You make sure that no one else will have a chance to steal them from you...  you make sure na ikaw ung pipiliin nia. There are millions of people on Earth and finding that one person you want to spend the rest of your life with is like finding a needle in a haystack. And when you do, will you let it go?"

Think about it. And there's a lot of guys out there who will be willing to love you NOW.

And will you still waste your effort and emotions on a person you know you'll be a sure and sour loser?
We all accept the love we think we deserve.
Let's reverse the situation, let's think we deserve someone way better. :)

Pero, Paano nga ba ang gagawin para maka get-over kapag unrequited love ang peg ng buhay mo? What's the best technique para makamove-on ang wasak na wasak na puso?

1. Kung hindi mutual ang feelings natin. Pwes, gagawin kong mutual. Ayaw ko na rin sa'yo.
2. If you can't move on, move on some more.
3. Huwag ipagpilitin ang sarili sa kanya, lalo na kung obvious namang "one way" ang pagiibigan.
4. Wala ng dapat alamin pa. Forward ang direksyon ng buhay.
5. There's more to life than that person. End of story, Period.
6. Rebound: pwedeng new pet, new special someone, or anything that will make you happy.
7. Revenge: Just be happy. Live an awesome life. 

And no matter how difficult it is, worry not, everything will be okay. As they say,  "if it's not okay, it's not yet the end."

And when one door closes, another window opens. 
There's more to life than love.

“TANDAAN: your mind is your weapon. Pagyamanin natin ito at magiging handa tayo sa gulo na dulot ng paghihimagsik ng puso at bird.” 

We can do it. We just have to think, we can.

And at the end,

Hindi ako crush ng crush ko. 
Eh ano ngayon?

Natuto ka naman, di ba? And now, you are even stronger than before. :)