room for change

A lot of things, which are so drastic and whirlwind, happened in my life lately. As I look back, I am still aghast, perplexed, and sometimes flabbergasted. Still and all, I try to rise above the challenge and pick up the pieces. That's the best thing to do given the situation. I may be downtrodden by then, but then again, I cannot stoop any lower anymore. Hence, I choose to stand tall, learn my lesson, and move forward as I try my very best to be strong and happy.

Losing a friend you value so dearly is not easy. At times I still feel my heart breaking, aching, and even yearning for him. But maybe after everything that transpired, it is best to distance myself from him, as I know, there are things which I can never really have. Sad to say I went overboard, and this is what I got from stepping outside the boundaries. I braced myself and did things irrationally. I was just hoping for the best, hoping it will stop all my assumptions, daydreaming, and sometimes nightmares. I thought it will be a nirvana for me, but things were so ephemeral, being unrequited, I was left still on my own. After all, it was just "one sided" and maybe my plain foolishness and stupidity. It is always, and will always be wrong to assume and expect. However, there are emotions that will intrude and can never control. Therefore, I have to let go. There is also a limit to my stupidity. I gave up instead of chasing pavements. It is painful. The long wait was all along a wrong move. But then again, I have learned.

Even if things did not go my way, I kept telling myself I do not want to be bitter or cynical about it. For people who were so sympathetic as to the turnabout of things, they felt overly concerned for me. I thank them. But I do not want to judge the person. After all, he was special to me. No, this is not part of my idiocity, this time, I'm pretty sure I am logically thinking and weighing things. It was not his fault, not even mine. We were both honest about how we felt. It was just, there are things we cannot force. Thus, the truth both set us free.

Yes, it was liberating. This time, I won't wait any longer, in vain. Is it difficult to accept that after all the praying and hoping, it was all for nothing? Yes it was. Terrorizing, agonizing, my heart was drenched in blood, for a shortwhile. not because the feelings were shortlived. In fact, it has been there hiding inside myself, a skeleton in my closet. But what can I do but just accept and move on? Reality always bites, and maybe this time, it gobbled me, slapping me hard, till I was awaken from my dreamy state.  It is beckoning me "hey girl, time to wake up. Go rise from the mud and move on." 

Was it shameful? Not really. I did what I think was best and right, even if apparently I was at the losing end. Still, I would like to say I am not a sour loser. I have nothing but acceptance, no matter how it kills me. For crying out loud, it is never easy to accept defeat, especially when it entails letting go of the person you hold on to for so long. But maybe fate has other plans for the two of us. It may never be destined by the stars, if there is such a thing. I tried to put all my efforts and best foot forward, it did not work to my advantage though. "I gave my all, but I think my all may have been too much." I fell for the wrong person, not because he may not be worth it, but because he really cannot feel the same. 

Right now is no longer the time for moping. I can never change what happened. In reality though, there were times when I want to turn back time, when everything was just smooth and carefree, when there was nothing special for him. I wished that I just didn't cross the boundary, and just killed the emotions while it was on its infancy. It bloomed so much, but perished because it simply has to. There were moments when I am sad for what I lost, a valuable person, a most cherished and treasured friendship. But of course I know I cannot hold on to the same things for so long. It was a habit I got used to, which I have to learn to outgrow from now on. I know he's just there. Perhaps one day when I am able to bury all the emotions deep in the ground, I can face him again, and smile, talk, joke around without feeling anything at all- may it be hurt, liking, or hopes. Now it is just me and my God, facing the battle on my own. I wholly welcome the change that is happening in my life.

And when a door closes, they say another one opens. Who knows what is in store after this painful experience? It may be another opportunity to succeed, to learn, to grow, to mature, to be happy, to gain, to meet more people, and maybe even to find a new love. I am starting anew. I let go of the fears and even of the pains of the past. It may be a scene that keeps on playing on my mind, but I believe I am embracing the liberty of it all. I am free from the manacles that have long bounded me. I am not keeping or hiding anything anymore. I don't have any regrets because there are no longer things which are left unsaid. And now the only thing left for me to do, is to continue living an amazing and happy life. 

He will always be special. But that's just it. I am living a new life. I am stronger, tougher, braver, and wiser than ever. I know that it is prudent to let him go and forget all what I have for him. The victory will be mine, too. Even if it's not him, in another form maybe, with another person. And this time, I believe, I am preparing myself, and soon more than ready to love again, wholehearedly. :)