Tuesday, February 7, 2017
Knowing to love yourself is the greatest love of all…
Growing up, I have always been called that “fat kid.” I was that ugly, heavy, obese girl who was so insecure of herself. The only thing that I take pride of was knowing that I am a little smarty-pants whose efforts and hard-work was well noticed and acknowledged by her teachers, and sometimes even by my classmates. I never saw myself as someone beautiful back then, because it appears to me that my beauty was obstructed by my fats. Part of being the obese child that I am was being bullied for my heavy size, but over time, I learned to shrug it off, and be numb of the constant and persistent teasing and mocking of my peers, and even strangers who see me.
It was not an easy journey for me. In my teen-age years, I lost weight when family issues kick in. I focused on my studies; while on the side, eating lesser than the usual. It yields good results until I noticed that my uniform was more loose. Then, I am more motivated to be slimmer. I learned to curb my appetite and even to slowly embrace exercising. But even though I lost those pounds and somehow gained confidence, the hardest thing for me to do until now is to love myself, for who I am, and for what I am not.
In a society where people perceive slim and skinny as beautiful, I have always been insecure of my weight and looks. Honestly, even if I am far from the obese girl that I was 13 years ago, I sometimes see the same girl when I look in the mirror. There were days when I honestly do not like and appreciate what I see, even if people have been somehow complimenting me for my beauty or so called “transformation.” My body issues are still haunting me, and I know that I will continue to work-out or eat lesser to maintain my weight, as I know that I gain weight easily. I know people will continue to tease me as chubby or make fun of my flabby legs and arms; but little did they know that when they do these things, a girl has long died inside of me. I am hurt, more than they ever know, but I kept it to myself, acknowledged and swallowed all the criticisms, even if it hurts so much, after all the efforts I have been through. But that is life, and I know, people will always come to notice your flaws, and instead of sulking and moping over it, I just have to let them go.
And there are little things to do to make me love myself all the more, even if sometimes, it can be the hardest thing to do. Rejections and criticisms are unavoidable, but somehow, I managed to make it through, as I become tougher, wiser, and even stronger. There are countless days when I feel like giving up, and life and my emotions are always one hell of a roller-coaster ride, but I always get-up again and again, after all the tumults and storms. At the end of the day, I know, it will still be always about me- how I see myself and how I manage to make it through which will the determine the course of my path and my destiny. It all starts with making little efforts to love yourself, even if you don’t feel like it, or despite all the criticisms.
At this point, I know I am still not over my insecurities just yet. Or maybe I will never get over them, and only time can tell. But one thing is for sure, I know I cannot please everyone, and it is a normal occurrence in life that people will throw rocks on you. I will never have that 6 pack abs, 36-24-36 figure, or a face of an angel or a beauty queen. It will take time before I become that “confidently beautiful with a heart” kind of woman. Even so, deep inside, I believe that I am still beautiful in my own way, and it takes the right people to appreciate that skin-deep beauty, that not all people can see. My body issues may be there to stay, but maybe, it is not my looks, my weight, or size of my jeans that will always matter. In my heart, I know that I will have the noblest and purest of all intentions, and that is the most important of all.
And as cliché as it may sound, there is that someone out there who will appreciate you despite all your flaws and imperfections. There are people out there who love you just the way you are. Your life here on earth is with a purpose. Knowing all those fuels my desire to live more, to persevere, and to continue to fight my demons. More so, it makes me believe me in myself, that I am significant and I matter. It may be a hurdle, a battle, an obstacle I had to go through every day of my life. Still, I will try, to the best of my ability, always and above all, to love myself.
Poetry is not a dying art
For it is by which my words come alive
And the mind has the chance to speak
As the heart can express how it feels.
It is what has saved my soul from drowning
When trials come unrelenting
It has transformed what seems like fleeting
To something everlasting.
As long as there is something to write about
To ponder over and to confess
Though the heart and mind is sometimes a mess
It’s through poems that I can impress
Heartbreaks, joys, musings, and pains
As long as there are words to say
Poetry shall find its way.
And poetry will never be a dying art
As man, thinks, breathes, and feels
And through the test of time and seasons
Poems shall forever withstand
And I shall write again and again with all my heart.
Does God even remember me?
When He blesses others and their prayers were answered
Does He know that I have been praying fervently, too?
Does He know my hurts, trials, frustrations, and pains
Especially when I am tired and can no longer wait
Does He know that I cry in the middle of the night
Or I ran out of joy, too?
And stare at nothingness,
Feeling hopeless and lost?
What exactly are God’s plans for me?
I have done all I can
Been good to the best of my ability
And tried to wait patiently
Will there be an ending to this
Waiting, hoping for, and dreaming?
The answers yet I cannot fully fathom
Though my heart and mind tells me to hold on
For when the Lord’s plan I cannot comprehend
And if in the moment I feel His silence
Then maybe, He is preparing something for me.
And I have to wait
To be strong
And to trust wholly
That He knows perfectly what He is doingAnd I just have to leave the rest, to Him
Tonight my heart has many feels
That of despair: the need to belong to someone else
Or longing for having someone who will listen or care
Wishing that someone will ask about my day
For someone to support me in every way.
Tonight, my heart is filled with gloom
Still here I am hoping for a love to bloom
As I wait for replies or messages that never come
And I ask myself, “Is he not the one?”
Tonight I feel my heart is wearied
And I am driven by pain and pity
I lose hope in the love that I waited and longed for
As it seems it never knocks on my door.
Tonight my eyes are filled with tears
As I cover my ears so the sobbing I won’t hear
And the anguish I had piled up thru the years
Made even stronger by my innermost fears.
She woke up
She never thought she will.
And it was all about her-
Her zest for life
Her struggle to find inner peace
And to finally love herself wholly
After all that she has been through.
It was a liberating feeling
As a bird that has spread wings
Now she can soar high
Unafraid and unabated.
That moment that she chose herself
Above everything else,
Was when she has made sense
Of her very existence.
The only constant thing in this world is change. The change is very striking and apparent, that even the changes that have transpired in the world (for the last ten years) has been one of the questions in the recently concluded Miss Universe competition.
But if change is permanent, why do people dread it? And if change is expected, why is it difficult for us to have a complete turn-around?
Leaving one’s comfort zone is truly never easy. Though comfort equates to security most of the time, it will never guarantee growth. Progress and prosperity will entail leaving that place where you feel close to home. And if you want success and ultimate breakthroughs, you definitely have to level up your game-plan, and leave your comfort zone.
Though it may sound exhilarating, it can also be nerve-racking. But as they say, if your dreams do not scare or frighten you, then you are not dreaming big enough. Your dreams should intimidate you, so you will strive for growth and betterment. Your dreams should terrify you, so that you will be pushed to your limits. And the hard times will drain you, leave you gasping for air, bewilder and make you lost your wits even. Sometimes you will even question why you chose to leave a life of comfort and security in the first place. But if all these tough and testing times will bring you to where you are supposed to be, then you will not only pass through it, but will even rise above the circumstance, highly flying with colors.
And sometimes all it takes is that desire for change. In your heart, you just have to brace yourself for that one big step. With all your might, prepare as you take on that one big leap. It may be a thousand miles before you even reach your final destination, but who cares? As long as you are eager to take on that single step starting today, even with your heart afraid, you will eventually get there.
The choice is yours. Will you be stuck in comfort and monotony, or embrace change not knowing what lies outside your comfort zone?
But how else will you even find out what else is on the other side of the world?
Just go out and explore. And in the process, keep the faith and enjoy the venture into the unknown!