Knowing to love
yourself is the greatest love of all…
Growing up, I have always been
called that “fat kid.” I was that ugly, heavy, obese girl who was so insecure
of herself. The only thing that I take pride of was knowing that I am a little smarty-pants
whose efforts and hard-work was well noticed and acknowledged by her teachers,
and sometimes even by my classmates. I never saw myself as someone beautiful
back then, because it appears to me that my beauty was obstructed by my fats.
Part of being the obese child that I am was being bullied for my heavy size,
but over time, I learned to shrug it off, and be numb of the constant and
persistent teasing and mocking of my peers, and even strangers who see me.
It was not an easy journey for
me. In my teen-age years, I lost weight when family issues kick in. I focused
on my studies; while on the side, eating lesser than the usual. It yields good
results until I noticed that my uniform was more loose. Then, I am more
motivated to be slimmer. I learned to curb my appetite and even to slowly
embrace exercising. But even though I lost those pounds and somehow gained
confidence, the hardest thing for me to do until now is to love myself, for who
I am, and for what I am not.
In a society where people perceive
slim and skinny as beautiful, I have always been insecure of my weight and
looks. Honestly, even if I am far from the obese girl that I was 13 years ago,
I sometimes see the same girl when I look in the mirror. There were days when I
honestly do not like and appreciate what I see, even if people have been
somehow complimenting me for my beauty or so called “transformation.” My body
issues are still haunting me, and I know that I will continue to work-out or
eat lesser to maintain my weight, as I know that I gain weight easily. I know
people will continue to tease me as chubby or make fun of my flabby legs and
arms; but little did they know that when they do these things, a girl has long
died inside of me. I am hurt, more than they ever know, but I kept it to
myself, acknowledged and swallowed all the criticisms, even if it hurts so
much, after all the efforts I have been through. But that is life, and I know,
people will always come to notice your flaws, and instead of sulking and moping
over it, I just have to let them go.
And there are little things to do
to make me love myself all the more, even if sometimes, it can be the hardest
thing to do. Rejections and criticisms are unavoidable, but somehow, I managed
to make it through, as I become tougher, wiser, and even stronger. There are
countless days when I feel like giving up, and life and my emotions are always
one hell of a roller-coaster ride, but I always get-up again and again, after
all the tumults and storms. At the end of the day, I know, it will still be
always about me- how I see myself and how I manage to make it through which
will the determine the course of my path and my destiny. It all starts with
making little efforts to love yourself, even if you don’t feel like it, or
despite all the criticisms.
At this point, I know I am still
not over my insecurities just yet. Or maybe I will never get over them, and
only time can tell. But one thing is for sure, I know I cannot please everyone,
and it is a normal occurrence in life that people will throw rocks on you. I
will never have that 6 pack abs, 36-24-36 figure, or a face of an angel or a
beauty queen. It will take time before I become that “confidently beautiful
with a heart” kind of woman. Even so, deep inside, I believe that I am still
beautiful in my own way, and it takes the right people to appreciate that
skin-deep beauty, that not all people can see. My body issues may be there to
stay, but maybe, it is not my looks, my weight, or size of my jeans that will
always matter. In my heart, I know that I will have the noblest and purest of
all intentions, and that is the most important of all.
And as cliché as it may sound,
there is that someone out there who will appreciate you despite all your flaws
and imperfections. There are people out there who love you just the way you
are. Your life here on earth is with a purpose. Knowing all those fuels my
desire to live more, to persevere, and to continue to fight my demons. More so,
it makes me believe me in myself, that I am significant and I matter. It may be
a hurdle, a battle, an obstacle I had to go through every day of my life.
Still, I will try, to the best of my ability, always and above all, to love
myself.
