the most fragile thing

Trust is the most fragile thing

That ever exists.

 It’s a glass that you can throw

And instantly shatter into pieces.

These tiny broken pieces

Are a myriad of things and feelings

Of a love hoping to bloom

Of fear that was kept but now unearthed

Of peace that was now disturbed

And of betrayal and agony that now lingers.

A broken trust is paranoia that hovers

And every word, feeling, person is now filtered.

A broken trust can be a dying of a dream

And the hurt person is not what it seems.

For when trust is gone

Promises not kept are now lies

Faith in humanity slowly dies.

Or maybe a day will come that someone tries,

To wipe that cloud of doubt in one’s eyes.

Piece by piece it will be restored

Though not in its original form.

Slowly the heart is bound to open

Till it’s able to trust, again.

at the moment

"Hi, dear! How are you?"

This is something I have been wanting to ask myself lately.
I know that for the past few days, I have been busy organizing and meeting for an upcoming church outreach activity. It's the best thing to do, to keep myself from overthinking a lot of things.

But when I am at the silence of our home, sometimes, I feel empty.

There's a part of myself, that's yearning for something. I feel that I know what it is, but at the moment, it's out of my grasp, so the only thing to do is wait.

Sometimes, I feel like the tears want to gush from my cheeks. But then my logical self would stop the tears from falling, and tell that I don't need to be such a cry-baby, that I am a grown-up, mature, strong, and wise girl- that I don't have to let my emotions get the hell out of me.

But honestly, I don't know until when I can hold the sadness. The sadness that no one, can ever, never explain.

People would not understand. What do they know, anyway? They feel I am smart, strong, successful. Maybe because I flaunt a smiling and happy countenance, so how would they know?

I have been meeting friends. Lots of friends. I am hugging people that I missed for so long. I have been setting meet-ups with friends I have not seen for quite some time, but at the end, there are things beyond my control.

At the end, I know I have to manage being on my own. I have been trying to enjoy solitude, more so the company of my own self.

Because at the moment, it is the best thing to do.
Even if it pains to wait for a lot of things I have been wishing, praying, and hoping for, I know that if I endured this all, the fruit of waiting will be sweet.

But maybe, just maybe, when I close my eyes and say a fervent and prayer, God will feel the pain in my heart.
And maybe, when I stopped asking, wondering, or cut the longing, agonizing..it will all be given to me.

I am clueless. But not hopeless.
I am afraid. But I won't let the fear get in the way.
Tears are falling, but I won't let them dim my vision.
Yes, I may be sad today, but tomorrow, all will be more than better.

How To Avoid Jerks and Jerkettes

This October, the FEAST had its series entitled "How To Avoid Jerks and Jerkettes," which I believe is very helpful for singles who are praying and waiting for their "One True Love." The talks each week were entitled "Red Light," "Yellow Light," and "Green Light" respectively. Each topic aims to help singles  1)  look into the red flags or what they should avoid in their potential mate, 2) think of questions they should ask to ensure that they are choosing or marrying the right person, 3) and reflect on questions they should ask themselves once they are sure that they found the one. Though I haven't found my "one true love" at the time I am writing this blog, it sure helped me assess how I am as a person. As was once quoted in the talk "Be the person you want to find." To find the right one, you have to be the right person, too."

I wish I can say that finding love is a breeze. Of course, it never is. I was a jerkette, too, at times, I would confess. Of course, at some points, I think I also had that one who got away, and maybe that person hated me, too. Then, I also met a lot of jerks! Rebound, doormat, or the lady in waiting- name it. It wasn't easy to deal with all those heartaches. Countless times I have wailed on my own and in front of a friend. Though it is such a disappointment to feel that you cannot seem to trust anyone, it simply affirmed that "only God can make me feel complete." Perhaps, the moment I learned to let go of my earthly worries and concerns, and lift them all up to God, they may not completely evaporate into thin air, but God will be in control, and all will be better,

My friend once told me that the moment I stopped questioning myself about love and everything that goes with it, perhaps that person will reveal himself to me (through God and the universe, I guess). And he concluded by saying that I will be thanking Heavens for that imperfect man who is just right for me. But where is he? Have we met? What was he like? That questions I wish to answer right now, but maybe, in the right time. "Lahat sa tamang panahon." It is hard to wait and I can get impatient and frustrated especially when I feel the rejection. I would ask "Am I difficult to deal with?" "Am I high maintenance?" "Am I not attractive or beautiful enough?" or "Am I too smart, ambitious, intimidating?" Then sometimes I would tell myself, maybe I should be more quiet and act dumb. At the end of the day, I got tired of asking myself those questions. Instead of fretting and moping on such concerns, I might as well try to be more productive and attractive. Why not? The world is mine for the taking. Well, I can always practice self-love and care, can't I? Who else will do it for myself? No one, but me. So pardon me, if I may seem too self-proclaiming when I say "I am beautiful, I am amazing, I am loved." It's the best way to counter the doubt I have for myself.

But of course,  the Lord has been good to me. Much to my tantrums and cry-baby moments, He has held my hand tight, and I felt his tight hug countless times. I may not see it yet, but I believe, He is preparing the right one for me. All I can do now is to rest and wait. And as I wait, I shall serve Him and be the best that I can be. I shall continue to bloom as a butterfly and reach for my dreams. God wants me to prosper in this time of waiting, and not just simply aimlessly wander to and fro,

Right now, I honestly feel tired. I feel wearied after having been so good enough yet I still do not see the "light."  And it makes me wonder, why in the world should "good people" be treated this way? Will I still find him? Is there still a person someone out there who will accept and love me, for who I am, warts and all?  At times, I would find myself lackadaisical because I feel I am void of love. It's a phase, I guess. Still, I am trying my best to counter the negativities. I may be on my "alone" stage right now, but someday, I know one day, the right time will come for me, too. And even if it hurts to wait, even if at times, I feel like I am falling apart, I won't be ashamed to cry and to run to God, because I know, He will rescue me.

And when I am in God's arms, He will heal my brokenness and wounded heart. Someday, when I least expect it perhaps. Love will find its way to me. Or that right person will find me.

I will wait with all my heart.
I will see you.

Steady my Heart (Lyrics)

Whenever I would feel blue or anxious all of a sudden, this is a song I can sing and eventually make me feel better. I know I can run on to God, always, and He will always be in control, no matter what the hurly-burly is. Thanks, Lord, for steadying my heart.

"Steady My Heart"

Wish it could be easy
Why is life so messy?
Why is pain a part of us?
There are days I feel like
Nothing ever goes right
Sometimes it just hurts so much

But You're here
You're real
I know I can trust You

Even when it hurts
Even when it's hard
Even when it all just falls apart
I will run to You
'Cause I know that You are
Lover of my soul
Healer of my scars
You steady my heart [x2]

I'm not gonna worry
I know that You've got me
Right inside the palm of your hand
Each and every moment
What's good and what gets broken
Happens just the way You plan

You are here
You're real
I know I can trust You

Even when it hurts
Even when it's hard
Even when it all just falls apart
I will run to You
'Cause I know that You are
Lover of my soul
Healer of my scars
You steady my heart [x2]

And I will run to You
And find refuge in Your arms
And I will sing to You
'Cause of everything You are

You steady my heart [x2]

Even when it hurts
Even when it's hard
Even when it all just falls apart
I will run to You
'Cause I know that You are
Lover of my soul
Healer of my scars
You steady my heart [x2]

I'm not gonna worry
I know that you've got me
Right inside the palm of your hand

Feel Your Feelings: A Movie Commentary of "Inside Out"

 "This above all: to thine own self be true, And it must follow, as the night the day, Thou canst not then be false to any man." - Hamlet by Shakespeare

In the society we live in, we are often bound to mask or camouflage our innermost feelings. Thinking that we will be judged, misunderstood, or perceived as difficult to deal with, we'd rather hide the pain or conceal our fears, angst, gloom, or hurts. When asked the question "How are you?", we often response with the classic "I'm fine," even if in reality, it's the other way around. It is seemingly an unwritten rule for us to pretend we are okay, or to carry our burdens deep within, for they will be solved anyway, in the long run.

But even the most optimistic and joyful of all person has its limits and boundaries. And our real emotions will soon find its way out. As shown in the movie "Inside Out," Joy cannot rule over Sadness forever. Yes, for a couple of days, we will succeed in feigning gladness. At one point, we can still muster the courage and feel that we are okay. Yet, when left on our own, and when we try to mull-over things, in silence of the night, what we are truly feeling will finally surface. We may try to acknowledge or deny what we really feel, but either way, no matter how we bottle them up deep inside, it will eventually find its way out. 

This battle of emotions was evident in the movie "Inside Out" when Riley tried her best to show her parents that she is satisfied with their current situation and that it was an easy pill for her to swallow. But moving to a new place, and leaving her hometown and friends was surely a big adjustment for her. However, since her parents somehow expect her to be the usual happy girl that she is, she has to feign  acceptance and full submission to her parent's decision, even if deep inside, the painful reality has not sunk in that much. There was much adjustment to do, and that was not fully processed with her, nor was she prepared for it. All of that was like a roller-coaster ride for Riley, but she has to try to live with what was expected of her, thus, denying or hiding her true feelings.

In the end, Riley knew their new life was not a walk in the park. She missed her hometown, and her friends. But like any of us, she pretended as if she was perfectly fine. Until one day, the bottled up feelings suddenly explode. At this point, we are enlightened that there will come a point that the emotions we bury deep within will reveal itself in time. Until when is it safe to deny ourselves what or how we truly feel? At what point is it safe to say that we are okay? Shall we just smile or pretend that everything is alright, or should we acknowledge that sadness and despair is creeping in, and we need someone to talk it out, to eventually lighten our load?

As the character, Sadness, puts it "Crying helps me slow down and obsess over the weight of life's problems." We often perceive crying as a sign of weakness, but in fact, those who admit that they feel lonely or sad, are courageous enough to admit and embrace their innermost feelings. Nothing is wrong with crying or tearing up over life's troubles. Just as there is thunderstorm and rain, surely life has its share of dark days. What's worth remembering and looking forward though, it that these gloomy feeling has its expiration date. The world is full of binaries, when there is rain, soon, the sun will rise and shine again. When we cry, we cleanse ourselves of the emotions that's burdening us and a way to purge pent up emotions so they don't lodge in our bodies. Our eyes may be dimmed by the tears that well-up as we cry, but we sure will feel that our vision is clearer after the outpour of tears. 

Denying oneself of our innermost emotions is futile because the truth shall always prevail, and as cliche as it is, will set one free. So the next time you feel deep inside that you feel sad, gloomy, depressed, or anything that is tantamount to "not perfectly fine," acknowledge that what you feel is real and worthy of attention and processing. After all, there is a healthy amount of loneliness that's worth mulling over with. Feel your feelings, because in the end, our feelings hold the key to our well-being. "Don't worry. It's okay to be sad. Feel it. Let it out. After that, everything will be alright." :)

twists and turns

Recently, a lot of unexpected twists and turns happened in my life. When all of a sudden I was getting used to my life's routine, something happened, and I thought, it was good. It was sad because I thought life has a way of surprising and telling me that the wait may finally be over, and I finally got what I deserve. But my heart knew it wasn't. And dealing with the painful reality and the stings of my conscience was more difficult than the long waiting time I endured.

Maybe God is not the kind of God who rewards us because we are good and kind. Maybe HE does not easily and readily give up what we deserve. I'd like to think that we meet certain people in our life to break our hearts, to test our patience and strength of character, and to make us realize our self-worth. And for many times that I have been stooping low, maybe this time I did it again. I do not want to question God, though. Though I can't understand His plans for me, I would like to believe that life's twists and turns will always lead us to something better and greater. Honestly though, I'm afraid, that because of that fear, I don't even think that I can easily pray. :(

I don't want to feel sorry for myself, also. And I don't want to feel that I'm always a victim. Maybe because I believe in giving people a chance to prove themselves and that they are worth keeping in my life. Maybe because it's hard for me to say NO. Or maybe because, at the end of the day, I'm afraid of being alone, really, even if on the outside, they see me as an independent woman.

I hope what happened will not make an embittered person out of me, because honestly, I'm afraid of trusting people now. After what happened, I don't know if I can still give a chance to what I have been praying for so long. I'm afraid I don't know if I should try again, or just let things be, or accept that maybe it is not for me. I feel sad, very very sad, and the sadness is profound, but I have to keep it to myself, and just pretend that I'm okay.

I hope life will surprise me with something really good, after this. Something good that will last for a lifetime, not for a short while. :(

To St. Valentine

Dear St. Valentine,

I see lots of couple date on the day of hearts,

And flowers and chocolates are just everywhere,

Girls hold their bouquet on their hands,

And I can just lovingly stare on them.

Wishing I have one, too.

Or better, praying to have that someone whom I can call mine.

And on this day of love,

I don’t want to sour grape or be a bitter singleton

For they say, when it’s meant for you, it will come.

But sometimes, I just feel the sadness, St. Valentine,

And there’s the void and hollow space in my heart.

Yet I still pray to God to fill the potholes in my heart,

And I face each day courageously, even on my own

Even I’m alone.

But I still envision, that one day, that special person dear to me,

Will hold my hand, and tell me he’s there

That all is okay.

And that I will be excited come Valentines’ Day.

Maybe not just on the day of hearts itself.

For when he comes, then everyday will be a Valentine,

Filled with music and flowers in the background,

Even maybe when there is none.

But because we are together, each day is more than special.

I pray that I we’ll meet each other, soon, St. Valentine.

Can you also play Cupid and strike our hearts out?

So at the end, we may both find love?

I am waiting, praying, and anticipating,

That next Valentines Day, he is seated right next to me.

the long wait to forever

I’ve waited and waited so long, in vain

This senseless, stupid, and tiresome waiting got me drained

It broke my heart and lost my wits

But deep in my heart, I know I’d still wait.

Cause isn’t this what waiting is all about?

Sometimes even sitting ages hence,

Even for nothing? Just amidst the busy and passing crowd

Staring…

And maybe with the ticking of the clock,

Just before the heartbeat stops…

It might come to you.

Not in the silver platter or majestic form you might wish for.

As long as it comes,

No matter how dreary and weary the waiting

It is still a dream come true.