3 decades, 3 lessons

• 3 decades, 3 lessons

When I was younger, I used to dread reaching my thirties. I would always ask myself that when I am 30 years old, "Will I be good enough, successful? Will I reach my goals?"  Now that I finally reached this age, I realized it is something I should not fear, but instead, should welcome wholeheartedly. Your 30s is the time to fully embrace maturity and the wisdom that comes with it. With this, here are some valuable insights I gained over my life's  three decades.

1. Where you are is where exactly you should be
- Our life is a product of our choices and decisions, so wherever we are right now is where we are meant to be. Many times we will be bothered by our "what ifs." Instead on dwelling on things that can't be undone, focus on what is. What can you do to make things better at the moment? We should refocus our energy on the present because it is entirely pointless to mope over our past or regrets. Remember, each brand new day is an opportunity to turn dreams into reality, regrets to learning experiences. Believe that where you are is due to divine appointment, not by accident.

2.  Always find the beauty in things.
- The world is already filled with toxicity and negativity, and we don't need more of that. Our reactions to circumstances can make or break us, so it is wise to practice using "the pause button". Admittedly, this is still challenging for me, but if I am confronted with problems, I try to ask myself: "Will stressing over this matter in months or years? If not, I will just let it go." Life is always full of good things. And sometimes we ignore our "blessings" and pay much attention to the "burdens". So whatever and whoever it is that makes you happy, dwell on that. Spend time with your family and loved ones, travel, pursue your hobbies - the possibilities are endless. Life is beautiful and there is always something worthy to celebrate. As they say, live, laugh, love. And don't forget to thank the Almighty at the end of the day, for all the blessings -big or small.

3. Be gentle with yourself, but be open for growth.
- Most of the time, we are our own worst critic. And we are most unforgiving of our own faults. Mistakes and failures are normal occurences in life and it is through these that we grow. Why should you be harsh and keep all the blame to yourself? You can always brush off the dirt on your knees and stand up after every fall. Tap yourself and say, "it's alright. I can do better next time." Take it easy, but do not be complacent. Cry if you must for a day or two, but know when to stop.
You will see that after every fall, there is a stronger, wiser and tougher you. Take it to heart that you can always transform mistaked and failures as learning experiences, and all it takes is a heart that is open to forgive and to take risks and chances for oneself.

It might have taken some time before I learned these things and the journey had not been easy. At 30, I am still a work in progress, my life is not perfect, but that is okay. I thank God for the 30 fruitful years and what lies ahead, though still uncertain, I place it in the palm of God's hands.

I'm 30 and I'm loving it! Cheers to more decades to come!   ♥️

Your Time. God's Time.

When I was younger, I used to think I can easily plan my life out. I thought that if I put my mind into it, and probably work hard for it, the things I want will easily fall offf my lap. And boy, I was wrong. Very wrong.

There are things that will be given to us because of our hardwork and persistence. But not all. This I have learned, in the years that I sail on this journey, that life is all about the perfect timing.

Timing is everything. As what was said, "many are the plans in the person's heart, but the Lord's plan shall prevail." I will say it again and again, even if it may sound repetitive, that there are things we meticulously plan, but may not happen. In the course of those heartbreaks, rejections, unanswered prayers, and disappointments, it is but normal to be disheartened. We feel that it may never happen or be given to us. But, if we hold on and ponder over, we might come to realise this: "Just because it is not happening does not mean that it's not meant for you. Maybe the answer isn't a "No," but "not yet."

Perhaps, there are things we don't see that we still need to discover and develop. I can still vividly remember how I envision myself at the age of 25. Back then, I thought, I have already married by that age and by the age of 30, I probably have kids, a house, a car, have finished my masters. To be honest, none of them has happened "yet," but I am not frustrated anymore, because as I grow older, I learned to trust the timing of things in my life.

Yes, I will be married soon, at the age of 29, and I may be late from the original timeline I have set for myself. But even if the timeline was not exactly followed, it is not a reason to fret. In fact, I realised, that the events in my life are perfect as it is. I was able to work abroad at the age of  27 and met the love of my life at the same age. If I had met him a little earlier, maybe I will not be where I am right now. And I guess, the delay in my love story is my journey to self-discovery, and I would say, those years of trial and errors are the greatest gift I ever gave myself.

I have had series of failures and disappointments, but instead of sulking over, I wore those wounds with pride. I was able to overcome and reign victorious over those battles and hurdles. Here I am today, standing still, growing grateful each day. I thank the Lord for allowing me to experience heartbreaks, for it made me know what to pray for and look for in a man. I thank God that it took me a while to build my career, for it enabled me to push myself further and go outside my comfort zone. And I will always be indebted to God, for building my character and for increasing my faith all those years. If I am happy and content in love and life right now, it's because I earned this by patiently waiting. If I did things my way back then and be reckless, this may not be the life I have right now. So if you felt you were rejected or clueless as to where your life will tread, learn to trust in the process and in God's timing for your life. If we will only look at life in that lens, we will live more joyfully each day, knowing that every adventure comes with a purpose.

So what to do now? Sail on, travel, learn a skill, meet new people, discover what the world has to offer. Life is too short to waste it by stressing over a timeline. Ditch the timeline, and instead, make good use of your time. Stop comparing yourself with others, that is their time, not yours. Your time will come, too. The Lord is developing something within you, and He is preparing to launch you to greater heights. At the end of the day, be reminded that, "his plans are not meant to harm you, but to make you prosper."

With the Lord by your side, you're in good hands. And one day, when what you have been praying for have been answered, you will look back at those days you have been waiting. By then, you will be at peace and tell yourself, "now I finally understand."

I am enough

Looking at my facebook feed lately can be both entertaining and sometimes frustrating. Surely, I get to be updated about friends and relatives what abouts. I get to be informed as to the latest buzz anywhere around the world. But that's actually at the surface level.

There are times when I am not fully entertained by what I see in social media. Truth be told, there are many and countless days that instead of feeling happy about what I see, I end up feeling frustrated. In reality, I think, this is what social media is all about, portraying a life that is seemingly perfect, until you dig in to the deeper truth behind every post. Jealousy, envy, insecurity can creep in once you see someone who is way prettier, sexier, or more successful than you do. How come he/she is able to afford such travels? How can she maintain that look and body at that age? Oh dear, he/she has a new car/ house (again). And here I am drowning in work. Not a pound lighter, not a penny richer.

Until then that I realised that you have to be learned to be secure on your own, regardless of what you have or do not. After all, the pressure kicks in if you see life as a constant competition. In reality, no matter how hard you work, there will always be someone better than you. No matter how beautiful you may be, there will always be someone who you feel is way superior than you in looks (and in body). It's easy to feel a tinge of jealousy and wallow in self pity after browsing thru your feed. But the real question is, "will you let it get into you?" Will you be affected or rather shrug it off?

At the end of the day, life is all about acceptance and setting of realistic expectations. The sooner you accept your current status or situation, the better. You will be able to let go of ill-feelings and you won't harbor an ounce of bitterness towards others. Besides, those people are not at fault if they have such abundance in life. I can still clearly remember what our preacher said years back  that sometimes "God will let you see how He is blessing other people." I believe He does not intend to make us feel down or bad. Maybe, it's a way of Him telling, "if I can bless these people, so do you." And if ever you still don't feel any better, just remember this: "everyone lives according to his/her own timeline," and "comparison is the thief of joy."

I know it's hard not to fret or compare. But will it add a day to your life if you worry about things you do not have at the moment? Of course, it will not. It will only stress the whole out of you, and turn you into a grumpy monster. So when I am tempted to compare, maybe, I will breathe deeply and proclaim with conviction "My time will come. Maybe not now, but in due time, it will." I believe that hardwork and pure intentions will always be rewarded at the end. You just have to be open that there is an ocean of blessings that await you.

And when you are tempted to sulk into loneliness and despair, I hope we all take time to remind ourselves, that while beauty and riches offer happiness, not all those are bound to last forever anyway. Let our security be not tied to things that are superficial and ephemeral. Beauty will fade and money can be gone (especially when mishandled). While it is good to invest in those things, I hope it will not make us lose sight of what really matters- good health, a sincere, contented and thankful heart, and a mind that's always focused on the good things, no matter what life throws on you. Those are life's priceless treasures. Those are what will really count. When you finally fully internalise what that means, it's then you can proclaim: that "I am enough."

Why I don't regret studying hard

For all students out there with endless rants about the educational system, their teachers, assignments, exams, projects, and anything about school; may this post enlighten you.

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It has been a long while since I have finished schooling. And though being a student is really an uphill climb with many obstacles, it is surely one journey I did not regret taking and I would say I take pride finishing. I do not write this to brag about my achievements (if you can call whatever I have accomplished as such), but I am sharing this to you merely to share why I never regretted studying hard.

Wayback in high school, I was never the cool girl. While most of my classmates would go to malls and hangout together, there I was, (as killjoy or as pathetic as it may sound to you) going home early most days, with all my books and notebooks in my bag, to study. Yes, as boring as it may sound to you, my life revolves around school and studying. Like most students out there, I get pressured on most days, too (especially trying to secure my position as one of the top 10 students and my scholarship), but as difficult as it may be, I somehow believe back then (young as I may be), that if I persevere and never give up, I shall see the silver lining after all those dark clouds. It took me lots of long nights studying and putting extra efforts on my school work. My mantra was "hindi pwede ang pwede na," and if I can do something excellently, I will. I was your typical nerd and awkward high school girl. I bet, no one would really remember me, if  I had not been smart back then! And while for others, I may not seem to enjoy my highschool life because they feel I was a late bloomer, somehow it did not bother me. Eyes on the prize, I will always tell myself. All I think of was, to get good grades, to be a good student, and on top of it all-time to make my parents proud.

And so I graduated Highschool and here comes college life. While for others it may be a time of added independence, for me, all that I felt were added challenges. I studied in a State University, and I realized, that even if I was one of the cream of the crop when I was in high school, the competition was tougher in college. We were coming from different schools, and I have lots of smart, confident, and outspoken classmates. Somehow, I felt my confidence wither when I am with them. And though I am not competing with any of them, I want to be at par with them, at the very least. Instead of feeling down, I somehow took it as a motivation to strive better. So like how I was in high school, I kept on studying. I took notes well during discussions and listen to my professors. I painstakingly made reviewers during exams because it helped me remember things. But sometimes, even if you gave all your best, the odds will not always be on your favor. There were times when I got bad grades, too. There were times when I  will be caught off guard when a professor throws me a question. There were many times as well, when I feel I was not doing enough, that all this hardwork and effort is not going anywhere. Still, I just kept going, like any student does. Whaf kept me going was when one of my professors back then said, "this too shall pass." And yes, though the nights seem long when I am studying for an exam, preparing for a report, or writing my paper, I know that if I kept going, I will see the light at the end of the tunnel.

That was four long years of studying in college, plus atleast half a year spent for reviewing and preparing for the licensure exam. I was literally living for school, leaving our house as early as 5:30 am and going home late because there are many things to accomplish. My friends and I are not party goers, and you would see most of us gathered together, with our handouts. We had group study sessions and we hang out at the library. There were days when we would drop by a nearby mall to atleast relax, eat some snacks, or play games, but you can literally count the number of times we did those things. And while for others this may not seem fun and may really find my life monotonous, still I didn't care. I wanted to graduate. I wanted to have good academic standing. I wanted to make my parents proud. And so, my eyes were set on all the things that motivated me.

Long years of studying and sometimes sacrificing my social life (and even the chances of dating and getting a lovelife back then), but still I think it was all worth it. While studying well entails  means giving up or sacrificing some things in life, I still believe, that it was the very reason why I learned discipline and hardwork. I would never learn the value of excellence and doing your best in everything you do if I just dilly dally on my school work. I had the good friends that I had today, because we are united and have a common goal in mind- to march and receive our diplomas on graduation day, together. While solely focusing on school life means I will be missing some happenings with some old friends, I know that the time and effort spent on studying hard is never wasted (You can always make up for the times you missed after you graduate!).  I am the professional I am today, because of the discipline and responsibility instilled to me when I was studying. You become the person you are because of your habits and what you have invested in life. So if you want to reach your goals, you have to be willing to disappear for a while, as they say.

College days and the Licensure exam are finally over, and though I am far from being "big time" and "rich," I can happily and proudly say that I am enjoying the fruits of my labor. Some of this includes: buying the things I do not have back then, going to places I have never been to, and eating at restaurants I can never afford before (because when you are a student, you have a very minimal allowance). Now that I am at this point of my life, sometimes I will gladly look back and say, I'm glad I did not give up. I'm happy I knew my priorities. And all these I did not achieve on my own, my parents, first and foremost, were my inspiration. They deserve all the good things in life because they sacrificed so much for me and my brother. My college friends, were also the persons who made the load lighter and bearable. It helped knowing that you are not alone on that diffficult journey. Also, our teachers, mold us into the persons we are today, and I will be forever indebted to them for imparting knowledge and skills I will be using for life. And most of all, God, has been my shelter and fortress all these years. During those trying moments when I was student, I believe and hold onto Him, for it was written: The pain that you are feeling is nothing compared to the joy that is coming.

So if you are a student who is tired and who feels like giving up, think of this time in your life as a preparation for the real world out there. If you think schooling is hard, the world of employment is a tougher place. You have to be ready to face that jungle kind of world. Besides, no one says life is easy. And if you want something, you have to exert effort and find ways to get it. No one gets to the top of the mountain without passing through a difficult terrain or trail, and same goes with life. But I tell you dear students, if you persevere, if you work hard and smart, if you study well, for sure, God and your teachers will definitely see your efforts. It may take some time, but if you just keep going, believing, and praying, your hardwork will eventually pay off.

For now, enjoy the journey. Listen to your teachers, obey your parents, be a good friend to your classmates, and learn as much as you can. And one day, you will somehow find yourself missing your school days, when all you have to do is just go to school and learn. As you look back at those younger years, I am sure you will be at peace with yourself, knowing you made it this far. And if you are able to survive the challenging world of schooling, what else can you not conquer? Yes, you can achieve things as long as you set your mind to it. That's what  I did when I was a student like you. For all its worth and for being the person I am right now, I would confidently and contently say, I never regret studying hard.

waiting for the best version of a dream

What sign are you actually looking for?

Last night, I attended a worship service at a Catholic Community that I'm part of. At the end of the talk, I felt like cold water was poured to my whole body, as a resounding "what sign are you still looking for?" was mentioned by the speaker. I can only mutter to myself "Open my eyes, so that I can see." And indeed, maybe, truly, sadly, I am blinded all along.

It is very heartbreaking if we are stuck on the same chapter of our life. Even if they say the only way to move on is to let go, it is still difficult and sometimes, you still wallow in the pain or the trauma of it all. Yes, we want to move forward, but the fear is there. It is akin to a movie being played inside ones head. As the speaker said "if you are going through something, just pass through it, don't linger there for so long." 

And then I felt I was slapped. Real hard. Maybe my head was even hammered.

Am I lingering for so long, that I have been badly damaged and crippled by this prolonged stay?

Is it keeping me from seeing the beauty and promises of life?

Is that NO still painful for me? Did I really learn to move on or let go?

I have to be honest. Maybe, after all, I am savoring the pain. I felt and looked like I was a big pathetic fool.

Yes. We make mistakes. And forgiving oneself is just so hard.

But I realize, I want to live a happy life.

I want to have a better and brighter future.

I know I have been praying for someone, for so long. I may not exactly get what I wanted.

But I want to prepare myself for God's best version of my dream.

Maybe the first thing to do is to be brutal to myself. There are some things, some person that you cannot have. 

The second thing is to wait. Patiently wait. And believe that a brighter future is in store. 

Yes, it's painful. The many big "NOs" are extremely wounding my heart. Up to the point that it made me doubt myself, my worth, my value as a person.

Still, I have to believe. And I have to act with bold faith. "Faith without works, is dead."

Perhaps, all those rejection will lead to a better place and bring the best person out of me. Maybe someday, in the right time, I will be surprised and be lead to that someone I have been waiting and praying for so long.

I know I have been praying and working hard.

Sometimes, most of the time, I feel like giving up already.

Sometimes, I feel so ugly and even envy the people around me.

In the most random of times, I will see myself crying out of self- pity, and would fail to pray because it just hurts so much.

Dear God, You know my prayers. I open myself to the best version of my dream that You are preparing for me. I still await for the YES that you promise to give in the near future. Please increase my patience. Please help me to be more faithful. I don't want to give up. Not on You, not on my dreams. :)

invisible invincible

Life is somehow on the rocks recently. I wish I could say it's a breeze, but there's just so much to be stressed about. I'm not complaining really. This time I will be narrating the facts, because they happen for real. Still and all, I try my best to keep it cool.

I started the school year telling myself that everything will be fine. For the first few months, it is. As time progressed, well, things sort of changed. I still love my students, but they do get the hell out of me sometimes. They are little angel-devils. Don't be deceived if they are cute and oh so loving. They are mischievous, but yeah well yeah, you love them still. Talk about unconditional love, maybe I'm good at that.

With great power comes great responsibility, so as much as possible, I avoid committing myself to extra school work, lest I want myself exhausted, drained, and dead (just exaggerating). I don't volunteer myself and I shrug my shoulders off when there's a meeting or gathering. I guess instead of loving where I'm at, I'm starting to be more detached, numb, and sometimes...cynical. This is not good.

There's just so much expectations from work. Morning meetings, Character Formation, Excellent Teaching, Discipline, Diligence, Responsibility, Prudence, Modesty (I am never super modest, believe me!)....and all those other virtues you can ever think of. I am not perfect though, and their expectations sometimes do frustrate me. Oh I can never really attain perfection and I am not inline for beatification. I have flaws, and I love it. As time goes by, I learned to create my own identity, and what people say about me, will never define who I am.

A source of consolation is my friends at work. Yes I do have them. We share the same sentiments and rants. And they keep me going when the going gets tough. I laugh, whine, scream, with them. And if there's a reason why I still go to work, I guess it's because of them.


These days I barely meet my other friends though. Because of what happened recently (Read my previous blogs, hoho), I started to let go of them, slowly. Time can tell when I will see them again. They are all busy, though. And I know time is our greatest opponent. The same goes for my college friends. I'm not gonna let them go, because as for me, they are the most genuine of all. These are the people who love me and accept me for who I am, who are excited for my successes, and will comfort me during my downtrodden moments. If all else fail, they listen but never judge. It's just I seem to be more laid-back compared to them. They all get busy from work. I bother them to give me time, but then again, our time never matches perfectly. We can find time, maybe, but not know. In times like this, I know, I have myself to depend on. And God is also there.

Good to know that I still know to set my priorities straight. I still join connect groups (an activity at the Feast), I am starting to attend Thursdays worship service again and I am back to writing. I miss the adrenaline rush of an ever busy life, but I guess God wants me to chill a bit. I just don't want to stay at home most of the time because I'm the time who wants to make the most out of my life. In fact, as early as now, I scheduled my summer trip already. And I am bringing my family to Bohol this time. Cheerssss! Something to look forward to, indeed.

And I still have this uncertainties as regards to work. Maybe next year is the perfect timing to say Goodbye to the school where I served for three-four years. Sad to say, even if I tried, I know it is not the place where I see myself retiring. As early as now, I have to decide where I am going- Scholastic, Science School, International School, or abroad. The decision is mine to make, and God, I just hope You will help me see where I can be my best self, and simply be happy. :) In my heart, I know, the moment I resign from work, it's gonna be liberating. So why am I restraining myself to be happy? Sometimes though, there are foolish mistakes you make. I have to learn to go out of my comfort zone.

Whatever happens in my life though,  I know it's for the best. I make my own decisions, but with guidance from my friends, family, the people who care, and God, I know I'll finally find my road to happiness. I may not be perfectly contented with what I have, but I am still thankful  for all the blessings that come my way. And at the end of the day, I will say, "thy will be done." In due time, all will be well. And I am willing to take even the steepest step, if that road will lead me to where my heart will be at home.

room for change

A lot of things, which are so drastic and whirlwind, happened in my life lately. As I look back, I am still aghast, perplexed, and sometimes flabbergasted. Still and all, I try to rise above the challenge and pick up the pieces. That's the best thing to do given the situation. I may be downtrodden by then, but then again, I cannot stoop any lower anymore. Hence, I choose to stand tall, learn my lesson, and move forward as I try my very best to be strong and happy.

Losing a friend you value so dearly is not easy. At times I still feel my heart breaking, aching, and even yearning for him. But maybe after everything that transpired, it is best to distance myself from him, as I know, there are things which I can never really have. Sad to say I went overboard, and this is what I got from stepping outside the boundaries. I braced myself and did things irrationally. I was just hoping for the best, hoping it will stop all my assumptions, daydreaming, and sometimes nightmares. I thought it will be a nirvana for me, but things were so ephemeral, being unrequited, I was left still on my own. After all, it was just "one sided" and maybe my plain foolishness and stupidity. It is always, and will always be wrong to assume and expect. However, there are emotions that will intrude and can never control. Therefore, I have to let go. There is also a limit to my stupidity. I gave up instead of chasing pavements. It is painful. The long wait was all along a wrong move. But then again, I have learned.

Even if things did not go my way, I kept telling myself I do not want to be bitter or cynical about it. For people who were so sympathetic as to the turnabout of things, they felt overly concerned for me. I thank them. But I do not want to judge the person. After all, he was special to me. No, this is not part of my idiocity, this time, I'm pretty sure I am logically thinking and weighing things. It was not his fault, not even mine. We were both honest about how we felt. It was just, there are things we cannot force. Thus, the truth both set us free.

Yes, it was liberating. This time, I won't wait any longer, in vain. Is it difficult to accept that after all the praying and hoping, it was all for nothing? Yes it was. Terrorizing, agonizing, my heart was drenched in blood, for a shortwhile. not because the feelings were shortlived. In fact, it has been there hiding inside myself, a skeleton in my closet. But what can I do but just accept and move on? Reality always bites, and maybe this time, it gobbled me, slapping me hard, till I was awaken from my dreamy state.  It is beckoning me "hey girl, time to wake up. Go rise from the mud and move on." 

Was it shameful? Not really. I did what I think was best and right, even if apparently I was at the losing end. Still, I would like to say I am not a sour loser. I have nothing but acceptance, no matter how it kills me. For crying out loud, it is never easy to accept defeat, especially when it entails letting go of the person you hold on to for so long. But maybe fate has other plans for the two of us. It may never be destined by the stars, if there is such a thing. I tried to put all my efforts and best foot forward, it did not work to my advantage though. "I gave my all, but I think my all may have been too much." I fell for the wrong person, not because he may not be worth it, but because he really cannot feel the same. 

Right now is no longer the time for moping. I can never change what happened. In reality though, there were times when I want to turn back time, when everything was just smooth and carefree, when there was nothing special for him. I wished that I just didn't cross the boundary, and just killed the emotions while it was on its infancy. It bloomed so much, but perished because it simply has to. There were moments when I am sad for what I lost, a valuable person, a most cherished and treasured friendship. But of course I know I cannot hold on to the same things for so long. It was a habit I got used to, which I have to learn to outgrow from now on. I know he's just there. Perhaps one day when I am able to bury all the emotions deep in the ground, I can face him again, and smile, talk, joke around without feeling anything at all- may it be hurt, liking, or hopes. Now it is just me and my God, facing the battle on my own. I wholly welcome the change that is happening in my life.

And when a door closes, they say another one opens. Who knows what is in store after this painful experience? It may be another opportunity to succeed, to learn, to grow, to mature, to be happy, to gain, to meet more people, and maybe even to find a new love. I am starting anew. I let go of the fears and even of the pains of the past. It may be a scene that keeps on playing on my mind, but I believe I am embracing the liberty of it all. I am free from the manacles that have long bounded me. I am not keeping or hiding anything anymore. I don't have any regrets because there are no longer things which are left unsaid. And now the only thing left for me to do, is to continue living an amazing and happy life. 

He will always be special. But that's just it. I am living a new life. I am stronger, tougher, braver, and wiser than ever. I know that it is prudent to let him go and forget all what I have for him. The victory will be mine, too. Even if it's not him, in another form maybe, with another person. And this time, I believe, I am preparing myself, and soon more than ready to love again, wholehearedly. :)

taking chances

Life is one big gamble that we humans play, for nothing is ever certain in this world (perhaps except change). Unfortunately though, happiness can never be found by playing it safe. Truth of the matter is, the most successful persons in the world all have something in common- they go out of their comfort zones, try the unexpected, and make risks.

                They say one would never know unless he tries. It may be doomed to fail - one may be bound to cry, to stumble, to fall on their knees, to bend and all. But what can be even worse than simply sitting down and never trying at all? Even if you played the game well and gave all the dice but still lost at the end, it is far better than waking up in the middle of the night because it bugged you that you never take the risk. Losing is always part of doing the unexpected, but when you know you did all that you can, it still gives that feeling of happiness that you gave your best , even if you did not get what you really wanted.

                Maybe it is human nature that we are afraid of failure. Who would want to get hurt anyway? Unless one is by nature born a suffering martyr, one would not succumb himself to sure death. But all those who willingly and daringly faced the unknown and uncertain and survived will most likely thrive in life. Why? They are more than ready to undergo painful sharpening and they are humble enough to learn the hard way. They are aware that experiences, no matter how throbbing and traumatic, will surely make a better person out of you. They want to try and to take risks, because they are eager to learn, no matter what it takes.

                And who says one is going to lose forever anyway? Perhaps after a hundredth attempt, one may bag the winning streak. And when the win is there for the grabs, it is such a victorious moment one will cherish for all eternity. It may be difficult during the first attempt, may be heart breaking on the succeeding ones, or soon a person may almost be pushed to give it up; but in trying in trying again and again, one will surely succeed, even if that success is far different from what is expected.

                One may give his best and may not be enough or been too much. There’s no use to blaming oneself either. If this may offer further consolation, the world is round. Who knows, tomorrow one’s luck will be different? We can never tell when the odds will be finally in one’s favor. But dreams do happen because we believe and we are certain that it will be a reality, and we do everything in our power to make them happen.

                At the end of the day, it’s not just solely in winning, but in doing one’s best and in doing everything with love, purpose, and passion. That way we live life with no regrets. We have no one to blame and we only have memories to look back to with fondness, as we go for what we wanted even if the world is against you. As we go through one failure to another, surely we have with us the greatest trophy life can ever give- our mistakes transformed as learning experiences. Rest assured that all those are never put to waste, as we learn to be the best because we once know how it is to lose.

               

               

               

 

introspections

And some people will come and go into your life, and sometimes when you least expect it, they will.

It's a sad fact of life that not everyone who comes will stay forever. Life, as always, is full off changes, very transitory, ephemeral, and fleeting. Sometimes, we will be left aghast as to how we will get along with others well, be acquaintances, buddies, friends (and even more). Yet, the next thing we know is they started to disappear, pooof vanish out of our lives, forever. Countless people touched our lives, in one way or another, but a number of them will just pass by, like the air that gently touches one's cheeks, for a minute or a swift second. 

 At times it will also be useless to look for things that you want to last. Like friendships, relationships, and love. If it will come when you least expect it, do you still have to go the distance to search in vain, at the end of the day. After trying to play all your cards, and eventually lose at the end, is it still worth it? It pains to lose, but maybe, it is still worth it, maybe if we look at our failures as a learning experience.

Bucket of tears will be shed. But we can't help but love and depend on others too, most of the time. Though they say it is better not to attach oneself to anybody, it may sound too pessimistic a view, as no man is an island. We are by nature a gregarious and social being- born to mingle, interact, and communicate. We have a heart made to feel, care, and love. And even if that love may be a friendly, brotherly, or romantic one, we still feel it and give it wholeheartedly, despite the fact that sometimes, it's unrequited, or the person to whom you give it to is not even worth it.

Still despite all the pains it may still be worth the wait. Maybe it will still be worth the tears. Who knows? The searching will still be worth it And when you still feel the pain, it may not be over yet. Life is a long long journey that we all travel. It's indeed a long... long journey...and eventually we may find our way back home, to whoever or whatever it is that we are all looking for.

Feel the pain until it hurts no more.
Go on. Sail and discover. Who knows what you may have found?
And when sometimes it's not worth it anymore,
we can always rest for a while, but don't give up on the dreams we are fighting for.

am i ready to forgive?

Am I really ready to forgive?

I am giving it a big "YES." But I am often left to wonder, will forgiving the person means I will feel the hurt less? Will it totally mean I decided to let it all go. And whenever I remembered him,will there be no tinge of bitterness or regret at all?

Why is it that even if I decided to grant him the forgiveness, which I said he deserved, I can still feel the pain whenever I remembered how he made me feel taken for granted or unwanted? Does that mean I'm not over him yet?

If you chose to forgive, does that mean totally putting yesterday behind, moving on anew, starting life afresh, and literally disregarding all the pang inflicted by the person whom you grant forgiveness?

I decided to forgive him  because it is for the best of our interests. It's not just for him, but also for me. Holding grudges toward that person will just make me embittered, so what good will that do to my life? Thus, I decided not to waste time on harboring bitterness and ill-feelings toward him, even if from time to time, I can still feel the pain.

Granting forgiveness may take time, but we have to give ourselves the peace we deserve, too. If we hold on to something which is useless already, we are blocking or keeping away the good things life has to offer. I realized then that even if you take the initiative to forgive, it does not mean the excruciating pain brought about by the past will vanish in an instant. Healing will take place, but it also takes time. There's no need to rush though, for doing so will hinder you from learning the lessons necessary while you are currently on the process of healing and letting it all go. If you force yourself to let it go, then it is not forgiving, but simply forgetting. Forgiving allows you to see things in a good perspective, while forgetting loses the lesson. We have to go through everything: the pain, the hurt, and the agony, if that is the only way to learn.

Forgiveness is also sign of maturity and strength of character. Not everyone can do it with ease. When you decided to do so, it suggests you have the ability to be self-less, that no matter how the person made you feel, you can still look at him in a humane way. Imagine how difficult it is to go through that process of forgiving the person who wronged you. Terrible and nightmarish that is. But the fact that you endured no matter how throbbing it can be means that you have fortitude. And for that, whatever storms may come in your life you can face with courage and might because you are also able to topple the forces of hatred and anger within you, the moment you chose to forgive.

YES. I have forgiven the person who wronged me. I do not hate him for what he did to me. At times the hurt  is still there whenever I remembered how I was "neglected." There would be moments when I feel annoyed when I look back at how insensitive he can be, acting as if nothing happened, and saying sorry for all the pain even if he never really talked to me in person about it, even if he said he will, for a couple of times. My heart still bleeds, honestly. But no matter what happened, a part of me says I have to be strong, and do not let this trial bring me down. This is just a test to my character, and after this, I am wiser. :)

To forgive is to love the person all the more. And maybe I forgave him for everything he has done because I once loved him, too. That I would not deny. No matter how terrifying it may be, I chose to do it out of love and respect for him. And even if in forgiving we can never expect to be fully reconciled with the person, nor to transform or change him, at least we did our part. How the person will react to that is his/her choice. As it is, you did your best in granting forgiveness, and the next step is to move on, with a happy heart. 

Life is never easy. But we have the power in our hands to make things less difficult for us. If you choose to be embittered, then welcome the pain and the sadness forever. If you choose to forgive, deal with the pain and agony today, but welcome a better tomorrow, soon. Remember, this too shall pass. It's not always a rainy day. The sun will soon shine on us, too. Who knows, tomorrow, when you meet the same person who wronged you, you will no longer look at him as that selfish brute who did nothing good in your life, but as someone who taught you valuable life's lessons, hence making you the wiser and stronger person that you are right now. 

**** For Cris. M.