When you were vulnerable

I love you, is an easy thing to say
perhaps when it's all sunshine
and not a cloud was gray.
I love you is as natural as breathing
when all seems to go your way.

But I learned to love you more
not when you are wearing your best smile
Instead, I knew I love you even more
when I saw that teardrop falling from your eyes.

It was on that moment that I yearned to hold your hand
And make you feel warm and secure
Just as you always do
whenever your hands clasp with mine.

I wanted to calm your weary heart
vanish the fears away
by whispering words to ease your pain
while our fingers are tightly intertwined.

Maybe love reveals its truest self
when someone is at his weakest state
And I don't need you to be an everyday superhuman
Instead, I want to know what's your kryptonite.

And while I can't promise to work magic on your fears and hesitations
Nor bury deep your troubles and frustrations instantly
What I am certain is I will be there
As you face this world full of the unknown
You will never hurdle those battles on your own.

And I learned to love you more
Not because you are perfect
Instead, I loved you more each day
for you aren't afraid to show your frail and delicate side
which is unbeknowst to many.

For in trusting me with your susceptible self,
I have internalized that love does not only love for perfection
But accepts one's flaws, blemishes, weaknesses and struggles
As if they were your own.

I love you even more today
That amidst the welling eyes
It's not your fear that I see
But a love made strong and beautiful
Once upon that time when you are vulnerable.

let go

*Sometimes we just can't have the love that we always wanted. And in time, even if it hurts, it will be better to let it go, and leave it up to God. 

I chose to let him go.

Not because I don’t love him. Neither because I hate him.

I did it because it’s for the best. And when you are on the same ground waiting for nothing, you know, it’s the right choice.

I love him but I respect his decision. And I love myself, too, because I deserve respect.

And if I chose to haunt him even after he clearly said his piece, then I will just be accepting the love, I think, I deserve.

But I know, I deserve more than that. More than hoping and expecting , which may lead me to waiting for nothing at all.

Because I deserve to be treated right.

Because my value is not determined even after I was left or dumped by someone.

Because I have the capacity to move forward and right my wrongs.

And because I still believe in true love, I am willing to wait, for the right person to come along.

I decided to let go of the past.

By doing so, I am embracing a future full of possibilities.

Even if it means, a life far away from him.

Even if it means the death of a beautiful friendship.

Even if it means, I will be “alone” for quite some time.

And maybe it is better to be alone than to be in the wrong company.

I learned to love and value myself.

That I decided to give myself the right exercise of freedom.

And since I am free from the manacles of the past,

I will love myself with all the love I can give.

I will believe that I deserve more, and only the best.

And I will no longer settle for less.

Even if that means I will have to be selective of my company,

Or the people I will have to deal with.

Now happiness comes from within.

I chose to be happy and to live free, because I want to.

In letting go, I learned to value myself.

In letting go, I learned to appreciate my worth.

In letting go, I learned to be joyful, without depending on anyone.

In letting go, I know, I am ready to love, when the right person comes.

And in letting go, I forgave the person, and even myself.

And even at the end, we are not meant to be.

He gave me the best gifts I could ever have.

The gift of loving and valuing myself.

The gift of genuine joy and happiness.

And for that I am thankful.

I still wish him well.

I have no bitterness and regrets.

Just a bright future awaiting, and loads of happiness.

love matters

How do you teach your heart to love?
Better yet, how do you teach your heart to forget, to refocus your vision, and to eventually let go?

When I look at you, I know I have found everything in you.
But when every time you tell me that I can eventually teach my heart to love, that eventually I will find him after a series of heartbreaks, and I almost feel that you are pushing me away discretely, my heart breaks and I know I have died inside.

People have told me to learn how to widen my vision.
I may be looking at you for so long, for years, and the long wait, might not even be worth it.
However, it is always easier said than done.
I have honestly tried. But it always goes back to him, and him...again and again.

Right now, I just wanted to give myself a break.
A time to reflect and think about things.
And maybe in thinking over, I can learn to let go.
I can start accepting that we are not meant to be.
Maybe not now. Maybe in time.

I want to fall in love again, to someone who can love me more than I can imagine.
But of course, I don't want it to be forced,
I'd like to love that person, too.
Right now, I can't hear my heartbeat yet.
It's still beating for him....and him....and him.
Wishing he will see me, the way I see him.

For the time being, he really can't.
And I almost dragged my soul to a figurative death.
I have to learn to accept things though.
After such, maybe the right one will come.
And I will no longer chase pavements
and wait in vain for that someone.

am i ready to forgive?

Am I really ready to forgive?

I am giving it a big "YES." But I am often left to wonder, will forgiving the person means I will feel the hurt less? Will it totally mean I decided to let it all go. And whenever I remembered him,will there be no tinge of bitterness or regret at all?

Why is it that even if I decided to grant him the forgiveness, which I said he deserved, I can still feel the pain whenever I remembered how he made me feel taken for granted or unwanted? Does that mean I'm not over him yet?

If you chose to forgive, does that mean totally putting yesterday behind, moving on anew, starting life afresh, and literally disregarding all the pang inflicted by the person whom you grant forgiveness?

I decided to forgive him  because it is for the best of our interests. It's not just for him, but also for me. Holding grudges toward that person will just make me embittered, so what good will that do to my life? Thus, I decided not to waste time on harboring bitterness and ill-feelings toward him, even if from time to time, I can still feel the pain.

Granting forgiveness may take time, but we have to give ourselves the peace we deserve, too. If we hold on to something which is useless already, we are blocking or keeping away the good things life has to offer. I realized then that even if you take the initiative to forgive, it does not mean the excruciating pain brought about by the past will vanish in an instant. Healing will take place, but it also takes time. There's no need to rush though, for doing so will hinder you from learning the lessons necessary while you are currently on the process of healing and letting it all go. If you force yourself to let it go, then it is not forgiving, but simply forgetting. Forgiving allows you to see things in a good perspective, while forgetting loses the lesson. We have to go through everything: the pain, the hurt, and the agony, if that is the only way to learn.

Forgiveness is also sign of maturity and strength of character. Not everyone can do it with ease. When you decided to do so, it suggests you have the ability to be self-less, that no matter how the person made you feel, you can still look at him in a humane way. Imagine how difficult it is to go through that process of forgiving the person who wronged you. Terrible and nightmarish that is. But the fact that you endured no matter how throbbing it can be means that you have fortitude. And for that, whatever storms may come in your life you can face with courage and might because you are also able to topple the forces of hatred and anger within you, the moment you chose to forgive.

YES. I have forgiven the person who wronged me. I do not hate him for what he did to me. At times the hurt  is still there whenever I remembered how I was "neglected." There would be moments when I feel annoyed when I look back at how insensitive he can be, acting as if nothing happened, and saying sorry for all the pain even if he never really talked to me in person about it, even if he said he will, for a couple of times. My heart still bleeds, honestly. But no matter what happened, a part of me says I have to be strong, and do not let this trial bring me down. This is just a test to my character, and after this, I am wiser. :)

To forgive is to love the person all the more. And maybe I forgave him for everything he has done because I once loved him, too. That I would not deny. No matter how terrifying it may be, I chose to do it out of love and respect for him. And even if in forgiving we can never expect to be fully reconciled with the person, nor to transform or change him, at least we did our part. How the person will react to that is his/her choice. As it is, you did your best in granting forgiveness, and the next step is to move on, with a happy heart. 

Life is never easy. But we have the power in our hands to make things less difficult for us. If you choose to be embittered, then welcome the pain and the sadness forever. If you choose to forgive, deal with the pain and agony today, but welcome a better tomorrow, soon. Remember, this too shall pass. It's not always a rainy day. The sun will soon shine on us, too. Who knows, tomorrow, when you meet the same person who wronged you, you will no longer look at him as that selfish brute who did nothing good in your life, but as someone who taught you valuable life's lessons, hence making you the wiser and stronger person that you are right now. 

**** For Cris. M.

beautiful pain

                Pain is a universal language. We all are susceptible to it, just as we are endowed with the capacity to love and to give. No matter how invincible we are, there will always be that moment when you feel like perdition has fallen to your feet. Then we will be left but aghast and marveling at the complexities many facets of man’s heart, that while it is given to us to express our self-less love, it is also there for us to communicate our innermost struggles in various ways: we cry, we spend time on our own, we contemplate on things, we exhaust our exasperation so forth and so on. The power of pain then, though sometimes perplexing and frightening, is totally mystifying.

                For how can we really know life’s beauty and wonders without pain? Life is full of binaries, as in every whiteness, there is blackness – the concept of yin and yang. If life is only joy and happiness, then we can never be made whole and be made strong. We have to weather all storms and feel the excruciating loneliness and pain, for us to realize our ultimate potentials as humans. Just as the tree stands tall after the storm, that’s how humans are supposed to be. Even if the winds struck you and almost take your roots from standing firm on the ground, we have to keep holding on and never let go  of the faith. It may be a painful and terrifying process to go through, but once overcame, a sense of self-fulfillment awaits.

                No one is born to be the ultimate, total, and perfect superhero. All those are just an expression of man’s eagerness to be someone who’s mighty, powerful, and supreme that we can never be. In fact, even heroes, no matter how tough they are, when left alone, still cry and suffer the same problems that ordinary human beings go through. Being apparently strong does not exempt anyone to be pain and problem free. It is an expected ingredient of life’s recipes, making life sometimes bittersweet.

                Thus, if you’re crying over something, let the emotions all flow. Cry, until there’s no more. Be lonely for now, exhaust all the bouts of melancholia, and be your normal self again the day after. Let it all flow, simply let it go. Crying and feeling the pain is not a sign of weakness. Truth is, by doing so, we are being more humane by accepting our limits, because no one is given a perfect life. We all have our faults and our times of defeat. But if you make the most out of every experience, you will even make the most out of yourself, even out of the most downgrading moments.

                Who says our creativities stop when we are most vulnerable to pain? Who says our world will end whenever we are hurt? If the sky is most beautiful because of the stars that shine at a dark night, then this simply implies we can simply dazzle even in our shadowy hour. Know thyself, as one philosopher once stated, and by doing so, you can explore your innermost potentials and let them unleash. Cry and blurt it all out, there will always be an avenue for that. Write a poem, compose a blog entry or a song, get your paint brush and start to draw, cook and satisfy your cravings and hunger, sing and free all the grudges deep within, make a change by helping out those who are in need. Being crestfallen should not hinder us from doing what we can, in fact, it should be a call to be most productive, and only then we could stay we know we are strong, for we know how to manage all the emotions lurking in our heart.

                So the next time you think of pain and other related emotions as something stupid, think again. After all, nothing happens here on earth for a mere coincidence or for mere futility. It maybe just a simple call for action, to let your light and beauty shine, even in the darkest night.