The Journey to Love

A classic saying goes that "the course of true love never did run smooth," and finding the right one for you, so to speak. They say, it's akin to finding a needle in the haystack. It's a journey to the unknown, often times leaving you perplexed, wondering, bewildered.

Finding the right one may entail several trial and errors. If you are lucky enough, he may be your first and last. But what are the odds that you will be the lucky one? In a world where "no label relationships" and "not into serious relationships" abound, what are the chances that you will find true love in an instant? It is never an ABC, and sometimes, you might end up telling yourself, "I think I have more chances in winning the lottery!"

We may feel despair, loneliness, isolation, betrayal. There are many emotions that will lurk and cripple your very core. Doubting yourself during these trying times is not far from happening. After trying to go through several dates and countless rejections, it is surely not easy to get back on your feet. When the heart is crushed, our mind and body somehow undergo this state of "paralysis." At this point, it may be harder to see the colours in our life.

But, this may just be a phase. As cliche as it may sound, time will heal the wounds. After going through several heartbreaks, one may give up, may park the quest for love in the meantime, or let the heart rest until it is ready. Whatever the choice is, what matters is, to give the heart ample time to heal and recover from pain, until it can finally wholly welcome love again.

We cannot really tell how many heartaches you will have to go through before true love will find its way. One cannot really fathom the mystery of love, and how it will be lead to you. But despite the pain of rejections and the fear of the unknown, there is one thing that we hope for. If you have been through painful heartbreaks, I hope you will let your heart heal and still believe in the beauty and power of love. It is a rocky road and path, one that is venturing to the wild. It may take some time  and maybe you will grow tired that you are no longer waiting, but at least, give it a chance and believe that it will come. No matter how dreary and weary, just trust in the process that it will happen. Allow life to surprise you and maybe one day, when you are no longer waiting or hurting, it may pass by you. And it may never leave you again.

But all this will happen, if you still believe and if you open your heart to the beautiful possibilities of still finding love, no matter how difficult it may seem.

A love so true and beautiful

There will come a point in your life when you will grow tired and weary of chasing after people who can't love you in the same way that you do. It is just but pointless to cry over an unrequited love, more so, to search for answers and reasons why there are people who are not meant to stay in our lives. When we stop questioning and simply just embrace life's uncertainties, and be more optimistic that things do not happen at the present because a better future awaits, we are giving ourselves one big favor- that is to fully enjoy the moment and just accept life as it is, with imperfections and all.

For in reality, at one point in our life, there will always be that one great love that we wished we could have ended up with back then. We may have spent countless nights wallowing in tears, in agony, longing to be with that someone. That may be a time in our life when all we think about is the rush of emotions and perhaps, the wrecklessness of our youth. Our heart is a tide that keeps racing, wanting to find its way to the shore. For whatever reason we did not end up with that someone, know that, wherever you are at the present time, is always for the best.

In the end, life does not always give you what you want, but it will give you what you need, what is right, and what is best. A love so true and beautiful is our calm in the midst of a storm. It is finding serenity after going through a rough patch of heartaches and hearbreaks. It may come when you least expect it, but it will finally give answers to your heart's lingering questions. It is the love you rightfully deserve and have waited for, and will give you the certainty in the midst of a world full of doubts and skepticism.

This love is well-formed and is true. It is not perfect, but is the kind of love you have longed for and believed that is worth waiting for. This is the love that will not make you question your worth, for finally, this will make you feel secure. And in the arms of this person, you will have no fears, for all those you will cast aside and face the world head on. For the longest time in your life, finally, you will never feel alone, and with the love of this person, you will find your home.

It may take some time before this love will find its way to you. But know that, if you have experienced the pangs of rejection, it's not the end of the world. Every rejection is a redirection. And this redirection is a journey to a promising and more glorious destination. When you finally found that love, there might be days when you will look back at the painful past, but it may no longer sting that much. There may be a little wistful feeling as you look back. But your heart will be more thankful instead at where you are lead to. Is there still room for pain and tears for the love that was not yours, once in your life? Those are just bygones. What matters most is the one you are with now. For with the love that is real and is given in the perfect time, only happiness and hope abounds. Your heart is overflowing with joy and gratitude for the blessing that you have, and with finality you can say, "I am fully happy at where I am right now. And past is past."

#FinalLenFoundSAMone

Lately, I have not been posting much because of work. As a teacher, there is indeed so much on my plate and maintaining this blog has been out of the loop. But if there is one thing that I am excited about, it is our upcoming big day on December 2019! I find time to search for cpncepts and pegs and I cannot contain my happiness every time I get to talk to our coordinator. At the moment, I just want to enjoy every single step of the preparation phase. I will be a bride chilla and avoid stressing myself out of the things that are beyond my control. 

As an OFW bride, perhaps one of my biggest worries is how to plan and ensure that the preparation will be smooth. I am grateful that my groom is hands on and as OC as I am! Usually, brides will do all the planning and will pay more attention to details, but even before we started planning out, Sam has been very vocal that he wants to be greatly involved in the preparation. In fact, since I am working here in Indonesia, Sam will be the ones mostly in charge of doing the leg work! Haha! Sorry, mahal. But thank you for making sure everything is in place. I couldn't be any happier knowing that I did not only find the one my soul loves, but I also got a team mate in him. 

It will still be a year and a few months before I bid goodbye to my single days. Each day, I cannot hide the fact that I am closer to that day when we will finally exchange our I dos. And for every day that I am with my love, I always thank God for the greatest gift He has ever given me. 

Let us enjoy this journey together, my love! 

When you were vulnerable

I love you, is an easy thing to say
perhaps when it's all sunshine
and not a cloud was gray.
I love you is as natural as breathing
when all seems to go your way.

But I learned to love you more
not when you are wearing your best smile
Instead, I knew I love you even more
when I saw that teardrop falling from your eyes.

It was on that moment that I yearned to hold your hand
And make you feel warm and secure
Just as you always do
whenever your hands clasp with mine.

I wanted to calm your weary heart
vanish the fears away
by whispering words to ease your pain
while our fingers are tightly intertwined.

Maybe love reveals its truest self
when someone is at his weakest state
And I don't need you to be an everyday superhuman
Instead, I want to know what's your kryptonite.

And while I can't promise to work magic on your fears and hesitations
Nor bury deep your troubles and frustrations instantly
What I am certain is I will be there
As you face this world full of the unknown
You will never hurdle those battles on your own.

And I learned to love you more
Not because you are perfect
Instead, I loved you more each day
for you aren't afraid to show your frail and delicate side
which is unbeknowst to many.

For in trusting me with your susceptible self,
I have internalized that love does not only love for perfection
But accepts one's flaws, blemishes, weaknesses and struggles
As if they were your own.

I love you even more today
That amidst the welling eyes
It's not your fear that I see
But a love made strong and beautiful
Once upon that time when you are vulnerable.

I am enough

Looking at my facebook feed lately can be both entertaining and sometimes frustrating. Surely, I get to be updated about friends and relatives what abouts. I get to be informed as to the latest buzz anywhere around the world. But that's actually at the surface level.

There are times when I am not fully entertained by what I see in social media. Truth be told, there are many and countless days that instead of feeling happy about what I see, I end up feeling frustrated. In reality, I think, this is what social media is all about, portraying a life that is seemingly perfect, until you dig in to the deeper truth behind every post. Jealousy, envy, insecurity can creep in once you see someone who is way prettier, sexier, or more successful than you do. How come he/she is able to afford such travels? How can she maintain that look and body at that age? Oh dear, he/she has a new car/ house (again). And here I am drowning in work. Not a pound lighter, not a penny richer.

Until then that I realised that you have to be learned to be secure on your own, regardless of what you have or do not. After all, the pressure kicks in if you see life as a constant competition. In reality, no matter how hard you work, there will always be someone better than you. No matter how beautiful you may be, there will always be someone who you feel is way superior than you in looks (and in body). It's easy to feel a tinge of jealousy and wallow in self pity after browsing thru your feed. But the real question is, "will you let it get into you?" Will you be affected or rather shrug it off?

At the end of the day, life is all about acceptance and setting of realistic expectations. The sooner you accept your current status or situation, the better. You will be able to let go of ill-feelings and you won't harbor an ounce of bitterness towards others. Besides, those people are not at fault if they have such abundance in life. I can still clearly remember what our preacher said years back  that sometimes "God will let you see how He is blessing other people." I believe He does not intend to make us feel down or bad. Maybe, it's a way of Him telling, "if I can bless these people, so do you." And if ever you still don't feel any better, just remember this: "everyone lives according to his/her own timeline," and "comparison is the thief of joy."

I know it's hard not to fret or compare. But will it add a day to your life if you worry about things you do not have at the moment? Of course, it will not. It will only stress the whole out of you, and turn you into a grumpy monster. So when I am tempted to compare, maybe, I will breathe deeply and proclaim with conviction "My time will come. Maybe not now, but in due time, it will." I believe that hardwork and pure intentions will always be rewarded at the end. You just have to be open that there is an ocean of blessings that await you.

And when you are tempted to sulk into loneliness and despair, I hope we all take time to remind ourselves, that while beauty and riches offer happiness, not all those are bound to last forever anyway. Let our security be not tied to things that are superficial and ephemeral. Beauty will fade and money can be gone (especially when mishandled). While it is good to invest in those things, I hope it will not make us lose sight of what really matters- good health, a sincere, contented and thankful heart, and a mind that's always focused on the good things, no matter what life throws on you. Those are life's priceless treasures. Those are what will really count. When you finally fully internalise what that means, it's then you can proclaim: that "I am enough."

Why I don't regret studying hard

For all students out there with endless rants about the educational system, their teachers, assignments, exams, projects, and anything about school; may this post enlighten you.

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It has been a long while since I have finished schooling. And though being a student is really an uphill climb with many obstacles, it is surely one journey I did not regret taking and I would say I take pride finishing. I do not write this to brag about my achievements (if you can call whatever I have accomplished as such), but I am sharing this to you merely to share why I never regretted studying hard.

Wayback in high school, I was never the cool girl. While most of my classmates would go to malls and hangout together, there I was, (as killjoy or as pathetic as it may sound to you) going home early most days, with all my books and notebooks in my bag, to study. Yes, as boring as it may sound to you, my life revolves around school and studying. Like most students out there, I get pressured on most days, too (especially trying to secure my position as one of the top 10 students and my scholarship), but as difficult as it may be, I somehow believe back then (young as I may be), that if I persevere and never give up, I shall see the silver lining after all those dark clouds. It took me lots of long nights studying and putting extra efforts on my school work. My mantra was "hindi pwede ang pwede na," and if I can do something excellently, I will. I was your typical nerd and awkward high school girl. I bet, no one would really remember me, if  I had not been smart back then! And while for others, I may not seem to enjoy my highschool life because they feel I was a late bloomer, somehow it did not bother me. Eyes on the prize, I will always tell myself. All I think of was, to get good grades, to be a good student, and on top of it all-time to make my parents proud.

And so I graduated Highschool and here comes college life. While for others it may be a time of added independence, for me, all that I felt were added challenges. I studied in a State University, and I realized, that even if I was one of the cream of the crop when I was in high school, the competition was tougher in college. We were coming from different schools, and I have lots of smart, confident, and outspoken classmates. Somehow, I felt my confidence wither when I am with them. And though I am not competing with any of them, I want to be at par with them, at the very least. Instead of feeling down, I somehow took it as a motivation to strive better. So like how I was in high school, I kept on studying. I took notes well during discussions and listen to my professors. I painstakingly made reviewers during exams because it helped me remember things. But sometimes, even if you gave all your best, the odds will not always be on your favor. There were times when I got bad grades, too. There were times when I  will be caught off guard when a professor throws me a question. There were many times as well, when I feel I was not doing enough, that all this hardwork and effort is not going anywhere. Still, I just kept going, like any student does. Whaf kept me going was when one of my professors back then said, "this too shall pass." And yes, though the nights seem long when I am studying for an exam, preparing for a report, or writing my paper, I know that if I kept going, I will see the light at the end of the tunnel.

That was four long years of studying in college, plus atleast half a year spent for reviewing and preparing for the licensure exam. I was literally living for school, leaving our house as early as 5:30 am and going home late because there are many things to accomplish. My friends and I are not party goers, and you would see most of us gathered together, with our handouts. We had group study sessions and we hang out at the library. There were days when we would drop by a nearby mall to atleast relax, eat some snacks, or play games, but you can literally count the number of times we did those things. And while for others this may not seem fun and may really find my life monotonous, still I didn't care. I wanted to graduate. I wanted to have good academic standing. I wanted to make my parents proud. And so, my eyes were set on all the things that motivated me.

Long years of studying and sometimes sacrificing my social life (and even the chances of dating and getting a lovelife back then), but still I think it was all worth it. While studying well entails  means giving up or sacrificing some things in life, I still believe, that it was the very reason why I learned discipline and hardwork. I would never learn the value of excellence and doing your best in everything you do if I just dilly dally on my school work. I had the good friends that I had today, because we are united and have a common goal in mind- to march and receive our diplomas on graduation day, together. While solely focusing on school life means I will be missing some happenings with some old friends, I know that the time and effort spent on studying hard is never wasted (You can always make up for the times you missed after you graduate!).  I am the professional I am today, because of the discipline and responsibility instilled to me when I was studying. You become the person you are because of your habits and what you have invested in life. So if you want to reach your goals, you have to be willing to disappear for a while, as they say.

College days and the Licensure exam are finally over, and though I am far from being "big time" and "rich," I can happily and proudly say that I am enjoying the fruits of my labor. Some of this includes: buying the things I do not have back then, going to places I have never been to, and eating at restaurants I can never afford before (because when you are a student, you have a very minimal allowance). Now that I am at this point of my life, sometimes I will gladly look back and say, I'm glad I did not give up. I'm happy I knew my priorities. And all these I did not achieve on my own, my parents, first and foremost, were my inspiration. They deserve all the good things in life because they sacrificed so much for me and my brother. My college friends, were also the persons who made the load lighter and bearable. It helped knowing that you are not alone on that diffficult journey. Also, our teachers, mold us into the persons we are today, and I will be forever indebted to them for imparting knowledge and skills I will be using for life. And most of all, God, has been my shelter and fortress all these years. During those trying moments when I was student, I believe and hold onto Him, for it was written: The pain that you are feeling is nothing compared to the joy that is coming.

So if you are a student who is tired and who feels like giving up, think of this time in your life as a preparation for the real world out there. If you think schooling is hard, the world of employment is a tougher place. You have to be ready to face that jungle kind of world. Besides, no one says life is easy. And if you want something, you have to exert effort and find ways to get it. No one gets to the top of the mountain without passing through a difficult terrain or trail, and same goes with life. But I tell you dear students, if you persevere, if you work hard and smart, if you study well, for sure, God and your teachers will definitely see your efforts. It may take some time, but if you just keep going, believing, and praying, your hardwork will eventually pay off.

For now, enjoy the journey. Listen to your teachers, obey your parents, be a good friend to your classmates, and learn as much as you can. And one day, you will somehow find yourself missing your school days, when all you have to do is just go to school and learn. As you look back at those younger years, I am sure you will be at peace with yourself, knowing you made it this far. And if you are able to survive the challenging world of schooling, what else can you not conquer? Yes, you can achieve things as long as you set your mind to it. That's what  I did when I was a student like you. For all its worth and for being the person I am right now, I would confidently and contently say, I never regret studying hard.

The Invisible Battle (My Journey to Self love and Acceptance)

Old photos are supposed to make you reminisce memories, but what if the old photos of you make you want to cry?

I guess I am not alone on this boat, specially for women who have been struggling with self-love and acceptance of their bodies. To be honest, this was a topic I am always passionate writing and talking about because I have so much strong feels about it. But why is it something that I feel so strongly about?

You see, I am really on the heavy side.Though I know I don't have to explain myself further, I know there are also other women like me, who gain weight easily (in as much as there are women who can eat heartily without gaining a single pound). In fact, this has been my issue for so many years since I was a teen ager.  In a world where they judge you by your looks and by the pounds you seem to gain, how do we face the world confidently and avoid all those comments about your weight?

There seems to be no escape, really. In the Philippines, "ang taba mo na" seems to be a way of saying "hello or hi." While I am done shedding tears for hearing such comments most of the time, I can't help but also feel for those girls who are going through the same thing. Girls who find it hard to love their self, their body, and all their flaws. Girls who try to starve themselves and to exercise extremely to lose weight. While I know that there are innumerable health benefits of having the ideal weight, I think it does not have to reach the point when someone has to be crazy just to reach that ideal number on the scale. You never know the pains that the woman has gone through- how she let go of her favorite snack and painstakingly sacrificed her leisure time and spend it working out or exercising. At the end of the day, it boils down to her wanting to feel confidently beautiful with her body, and people still making remarks with her weight are adding to the burden and are not helping at all.

Perhaps, we can easily be blindsided and unaware of what another person is going through and it is easy for us to utter words without thinking of the implications for the person. How do I go about this then? As for me, I have been crying for this for years and God knows, but it is a gradual process of acceptance. I have to accept that this is me and my body. This is God's gift to me. I should cherish and care for it, because it is a wondrous blessing. And, no matter what happens, through thick or thin thighs, believe that God always love you for who you are and there are still people who will accept you for who are you are even with all the cellulites and fats.

If I can just make an appeal and plea to the world, it is this: let us teach girls to love themselves and their bodies instead of just conforming to the crazy ideal standards of the world. Every girl is beautiful in her own way, and let us help one another believe in her own beauty, instead of unknowingly putting them down.  Besides, being skinny does not equate to being happy, just as being chubby/overweight/ fat does not mean you are ugly. Can we just be genuine and heartfelt with our hi and hello, instead of starting our conversation with "ang taba mo na?" ( Hey, you have gained weight.) And if ever they really do, don't you think they are unaware? Words can either make a break a person, so it is a gentle reminder to be wary of cautious of what we say, and the gravity of its effects, all the time.

And so the other day, I looked at my old photos and reminisce. I can't help but laugh at how skinny I was (maybe I was back then) years back. I wondered where did all the sexiness and confidence go? And while maybe I can still bring them back, or maybe if they never will, there is something that can never be taken away-the wisdom and maturity I have gained over the years. I think, more than being sexy and fit (according to society's standards), this is what matters. Beauty and sexiness  will eventually fade, but a good and sincere heart, and a strong mind, will forever remain.

I may be pounds heavier. So what? I choose to be happy. And I owe it to myself to enjoy life and not to please anyone's eyes.

It's time

I wrote this about a year ago, when I am still about to give him my sweetest YES. Now we are about to celebrate our first anniversary in a month's time! God has really been good!

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It’s Time. J

“Love comes when you least expect it.” That sounded so clichéd. But I am starting to believe it’s true, in my case.

I have experienced several heartaches and heartbreaks. And every time I seem to fall for the wrong guy, I feel downtrodden and would often have myself to blame. Little did I realize, that all those “rejections” are redirecting me to someone better.

Because sometimes you search for love in faraway places only to find out that it has been so close to you all along. We met about 2 years ago, and I knew that you were a good guy. Certainly you are. In fact, sometimes too good, that you can’t say no. But I honestly did not see that as a flaw. You were the typical geek, quiet, shy, and man of few words guy- which I think was my ideal (and I only came to realize that a little later). We would tease you and you barely fight back and simply respond with your signature smile. You were always that one person whom I would always ask for favors because you were easy to approach and ready to lend a helping hand. I even remembered telling someone that the girl you will fall in love with is lucky, because you are sincere and hardworking. I never really imagined, with all honesty, that that person will be me.

Life can be full of surprises, indeed. The past few months feel surreal. And though I have been told that you have been admiring me for quite some time, I still find it hard to believe from the start, as if I’m in for a joke. But recently, I was finally convinced that it’s true, and yes, this can lead to something serious, and something beautiful that I have been waiting and praying for.

And every day, when I wake up, I am thanking God for another wonderful day He has given me to spend that moment with you. We may not meet every day (because we are really busy people), but I appreciate that you will always take the initiative to greet me “Good morning” and to send me off to sleep with your “Good night.” I will wake up each day with a smile, and sleep peacefully, knowing that there is someone who cares for me, and is eager to know if I am doing well or to ask how each day went. For many other reasons that I wish I can write, enumerate, and try to verbalize and expound, I hope that I will be able to do my very best to say the very least, how much I am thankful for the genuine care I have been getting from you. I wish not a day will be wasted because I was not able to thank you enough for all that you have done for me, thus far. And maybe, what they really say is true, in the perfect time, you will meet that person, and everything will just feel so right.

I am looking forward to that day when I can finally say how I feel. But at this point, allow me to cherish and enjoy what we have. As we take things slow and get to know each other even better, I know that I am more convinced, that very soon, I will be making one of the best decisions I can ever have in my life. That will finally be the day, when I will be telling myself (and you) wholeheartedly and courageously that “It’s time.”

I remember the boy

I Remember the Boy

(And a Love Story That Will Never Be)

She entered the café hurriedly, lined up the counter, and ordered her usual tea. Upon getting her drink, she searched for the most quiet spot she could possibly stay in that café. She found what she felt was the perfect spot, brought out her laptop, and began to work.

Her nose was buried into work, and was oblivious of the world around her. The noise was nothing but plain murmur, or the mere passing of sounds which her ears barely recognized at all. Maybe, this was the state of her mind and her heart, too. Drowning herself to oblivion and embracing the solitude of this world was her thing for the longest time. But in the middle of her work, a familiar deep voice, broke her “silence.”

“Myka?” the voice was from a man. It was a baritone and soothing voice. Something achingly recognizable, from someone she almost forgot. Or thought she did forget.

It took her a couple of seconds to look up and stare at the man who called her name. That few seconds of her life, she was battling a lot of things on her mind. Somethings like “How shall I start? Should I smile? Should I act apathetic? Should I act as if I no longer remember him?” But none of the things she thought happened. Instead she said, “Jacob? Is it you?” And she said all these things with voice shaking, arms a little bit trembling. She looked at him intently in the eye, searched for the emotions in the windows of the man’s soul, till she was transported back to her yesteryears…

She used to be that girl who was so infatuated with Jacob. And maybe, infatuation is such an understatement. Oh how she worshipped and loved him dearly. Jacob was the center of her world, like the gravity that pulls everything to the center of the Earth. He was smart, had the boyish charm she can’t resist, aloof but a good conversationalist. They would talk about anything under the sun, and she would see herself chatting with him till the wee hours of the night, but she would never get tired. They would have silly fights, but would end up talking to each other again even without saying sorry to one another. It seems that “destiny” always finds its way to lead them back together.

And so their friendship deepened. So just maybe, Myka thought, this friendship will soon blossom into a real relationship.

Or that was what she thought. They would go out together and she believed that the feeling is mutual. “Was it wrong to assume that he liked me, too?” Myka thought back then. Jacob was a dear friend and he was the one she can always depend on. He was the one who understood her perfectly. This could be the start of a perfect relationship.

But her dreams collided so easily, in just one blink of an eye.

They were having a sumptuous dinner after a good movie. He was his usual and casual self, talking about work, hobbies, future plans and dreams. It was a light and enjoyable conversation, until they ended up talking about girls… and relationships.

“And then they were setting me up with this girl they met at a bar,” Jacob said.

“A girl they met at a bar? Your friends met a girl at a bar?” Myka asked curiously. “Was she pretty, charming, sexy? Do you like her? Did you date her?” Her questions came one after another, waiting eagerly for answer.

“She was all that. Pretty will not even suffice. More like gorgeous, captivating. We had a good conversation, too. More like ours.”

“Do you like her? Did you date her or will you date her?” She repeated. This time her voice was insisting, yearning for his response.

“Oh yes, I like her. I think I might consider her. But not now. She will make a good girlfriend, I guess. One you can proudly show-off to your friends. Even so, I’m still not looking for a girlfriend at this time. I have other priorities. You know, work, career, travel, investments, and all that stuff. My life pretty much revolves around making a good name for myself. I’m building my empire.” He smiled at her, and as he said this, he was beaming with pride and so much confidence.

“You said you have no time for a girlfriend.” She repeated the line she just said. This time she emphasized the exact same line. She stressed it, as she wanted to hear it again, another time.

“Yes. I am not ready to have a girlfriend right now. I’m so busy. You know that, right? I barely have time for myself, even for you! Ha ha!” He said, as if trying to make a joke, and pinched her cheek lightly.

She held his hand and put it away abruptly. She stared at him, looked at him straight in the eye. She knew it felt awkward. She knew it created tension. But she did it just the same.

“Hey, hey, hey,” Jacob tried to make the atmosphere lighter, and laughed nervously after. “What’s with that look? Are you going to gobble me up? Are you still hungry? Would you like me to order more food? Come on! Tell me, what do you want?” He reached out, held her hand, and tap it lightly after.

“Why don’t you want a girlfriend?” She asked, this time, with her voice cracking.

“Hey, Myka. Let’s not get serious! You know me. I’m such a baby. Wa-wa.” He tried to make face as he said the word “baby.” “I still depend on you so much. Someday, when I’m a big boy, more so, a man. I’ll be ready to court a girl, I guess. In the meantime, I’ll be your baby boy.” He laughs, seemingly enjoying his joke.

“I’m in the mood for your jokes, Jacob.” She was angry and nervous now. She could feel her heart and mind, pounding, ready to burst. At any moment, she will explode.

“What’s wrong, Myka?” Jacob looked at her in the eye, searching for an answer. Her mood was all different. She avoided his stare. He held her hands. She tried to let go. He held her hands even tighter.

“Well, I am the one who is wrong, Jacob!” How can you not know? How can you not know that I like you? How can you not feel that I have been here waiting all along?” Tears welled up her face uncontrollably.

“Myka…” Jacob looked shocked, or rather confused. He seemed dumbfounded, and the Jacob who was so certain of himself, looked like a lost child. Her name was all he could say. He was groping, trying to find the right words to say.

The conversation and the dinner that night did not end up so well. Of course, Jacob was consistent in his stand that it is not the right time to have a relationship with anyone else, even with Myka. She left heartbroken, and her world turned upside down. They did not have a chance to patch things up. And Jacob did not attempt to reach out after that incident. All he did was to leave a letter which he sent to Myka’s house via mail. The letter contained an apology, for he knew, he could not reciprocate his close friend’s love, and even if it hurts to say those words,  he had to be honest, rather than further hurt Myka’s feelings. Even so, it hurts her just the same.

They did not have a chance to meet after that incident. Jacob seemed too afraid to even approach Myka. Myka was deeply hurt with the “rejection” and the “avoidance.” So at the moment, right in this coffee shop, Myka has no idea, what to expect, from this “friend” of hers. Though she believed, she is ready with what she has to say.

“It has been a long time, Myka. How are you?” Jacob sounded sincere. She knows, for he was her close friend after all. Here is that man, who used to be the friend she would talk to almost every day. But now there is that high wall between them.

“Yes, it has been so long, Jacob. I’m doing very well, as you can see. I don’t know if you have heard, but I just came back from Australia. And I’m just here for a short vacation. I will be back anytime soon.” She tried to sound aloof. She wanted to sound that she is on a hurry.

“Aren’t you even going to ask, how I was? It has been years. It has been years we have not talked.” This time, he pulled a chair, sat down, and clasp his hands together. “How can he act so confident? How can he act as if he did not ever avoid me?” Myka was in awe of what she is seeing. She cannot feel trepidation in his voice, not at all.

“You seem your usual self, I believe. Confident, so self-assured. As I see it, Jacob.” She was still trying to maintain that distance.

“That has been a long time, Myka. For God’s sake. Seeing you at this café, unexpectedly, is just so rare. I took a chance to say, Hi, and this is what I get?” He sounded a little annoyed, and she is uncertain of what Jacob expects from her, at this point.

“I was not the one who forgot things so easily, Jacob. After that “eventful” dinner, you disappeared from my life. But oh yes, you left a letter. Thank you for giving me a goodbye letter.” She is now sarcastic, anger starts to rise.

“I regretted that, Myka.” He tried to calm down, assuring her, that he really did.

“I regretted that I let go easily, Myka. I regretted not talking to you. Yes, I was a coward. And when you left, God knows, how I felt stupid. But what can I do? I’m just so lost. I don’t know what to do after your confession. Oh yes, I knew I was not ready. I’m such a fool for doing that. But years passed, and things have changed. For once, can you please accept my sorry? Can you please accept my apology and let me do things right, and start again?” 

Myka felt the sincerity in his voice. This was what she had been wanting to hear after all those years. After all those years. And the years were long, and the time has passed. He said it himself that years did pass and things have changed. He was still that guy who would go for his dreams, but is lost when it comes to matters of the heart. She tried to look at him fondly and she also did try to feel her heart. Was she hurt? Yes. But not that much anymore. It was more apt to say, that she has learned to move forward, after all those years. And this time, she was ready, for the answer that she had been rehearsing for the longest time, in her heart, and in her mind.

“I was waiting for that exact and same words, Jacob. But you cannot expect me to say, yes, so easily, in this random coffee shop in this part of the world, after bumping into me coincidentally. God has been a witness of how I cried so hard and maybe regretted that I said those words to you. But I was not prepared that you will vanish from my life that easily back then. You said you were lost? I was more than lost! Before I left, I know that you knew that I was leaving, I was hoping that you would even drop by to say, what? Goodbye, Hi, Hello, Bon Voyage, God bless your trip? I just want to hear anything random from you, Jacob! I was waiting all those years and I did not get any word, not a single sound or letter even from you!” She can hear heart thumping. These were the words, and now she finally has uttered them.

“I tried to, Myka. I’m just a coward back then. I’m sorry.” He really seemed regretful know. For the first time in Myka’s life, she feels that she will see Jacob ready to cry.

“I know, Jacob. I can honestly feel how sorry you are right now.”

“Then are you ready to give me a chance? Just this one chance, Myka?” He held both Myka’s hands, but Myka pulled them instantly.

“I can’t.” Myka gave a quick answer.

“But, why?” Jacob was stricken. But Myka did not allow it to get into her.

“Because I have moved on now. I have lived a good life, without you, after so long. I learned to be happy on my own. And I can still be happy for more years to come, because I feel so free. My heart is free from pain, hurt, and fears.” Myka was so convinced with her answer and she said it with all her heart.

“You know, what?” she continued. “ I just want you to be happy, sincerely. Whatever that happiness is, I hope you find it, in the same way I just did. And though it was not expected of her, she stood up, and gave him a tight hug, much to his surprise.

“I may not see you again, after this. But I’m glad I did. Live a good life, will you? And after this conversation, remember me as your good friend, as you will always be to me, no matter what happened between us.” With those words, she felt no more anguish. She was relieved. And finally, she was ready to totally heal and forgive, the man who broke her heart.

Jacob hugged her back tight, seemingly not ready to let go. But Myka released him, and looked at his face, his eyes.

“I’m sorry, Myka. Is this goodbye?” Jacob’s voice started to crack.

“I think it is.” Myka smiled and looked at him fondly, again. “I’m a permanent resident in Australia now. And it might take long before I come back for a visit.”

“Will you send me a message? May I chat with you sometime?” Jacob was hopeful. He was thinking he can still have the slightest chance.

But Myka knew the answer, yet she said. “Maybe, Jacob. Maybe.”

Then she turned back, grabbed her laptop and bag, and left, with head high. She did not say goodbye, nor did she try to look back. There were no tears, no pain, no anger, no regrets. There were just plain memories of yesterday, of the boy she used to love greatly, of a love story that will never be.

All there is a woman who became strong after a painful heartbreak, who just conquered her world, and someday soon, is ready to fall in love, in the right time, again. 

Heart's spiel

You are Heaven’s greatest gift to me

One that I prayed for and waited

Perhaps, which still came as a surprise

And did not expect.

If this love of ours I have to define

And put into words

Find rhythm and rhyme,

I will end up speechless, tongue-tied

Of how this heartbeat of yours

Greatly matches with mine.

Is there such a thing as perfection

And a love that’s so divine?

A love that’s perennial and timeless

Which conquered all fear, doubt, and miles;

This kind of love you got it covered-

From today, tomorrow, hereafter.

And you incredibly knew the way

To make my heart flutter

To make my speeches stuttered

All fears casted and thrown away

For your perfect love

Which came in the perfect time

Has made all my doubts in love wither.

For you have awoken my once sleeping heart

Your love has revived the dreamer in me

Till finally it is for me to see,

That true and perfect love is a reality

With you, this love will be our perfected art,

And To the world we shall make a decree

That no one can ever tear us apart.

I love me

I will never be that hot and sexy girl.

I cannot wear skimpy outfits confidently, knowing that my flabs and bulges will be seen through.

I’d love to wear that short shorts, but my legs are like logs.

I never had that coveted thigh gap, but I can walk, run, jump still as much as I want. So that thigh gap does not really bother me anymore.

I look at girls and see them very trendy with their fashion,

baring their arms and shoulders, confidently, for the world to see.

I want to do that too, but every time I do, I would get remarks which all boils down to saying that it does not suit me.

So I go back to having myself covered,

Hiding the imperfections and insecurities.

But even with all that I don’t and can’t have,

It won’t let me love myself and my body less.

For the flabs, bulges, lines, stretch marks, creases, freckles

Make the person that I am.

And these flaws make me human

Worthy of love and respect,

Regardless of whether my totality

Is equivalent to the world’s crazy standard of beauty.

And maybe, I may not be that hot and sexy girl at all,

Nor one that warrants a second look when you see at the streets

But I don’t need to be that one.

I will wear what I feel that suits me, even if that means pants that are loose and baggy.

I will be happy and healthy, rather than thin, frail, and sickly,

Because I deprive myself of savoring good food to eat.

And the people who truly love me, will know that despite all the imperfections

Is a lady whose heart is genuine

One that is passionate for her craft

Who embraces what she lacks and remains unabated by the world’s pressing standards.

For it takes wise and like-minded people to see,

That beneath the mien of this simple looking girl

is a beauty that is skin deep.