The Invisible Battle (My Journey to Self love and Acceptance)

Old photos are supposed to make you reminisce memories, but what if the old photos of you make you want to cry?

I guess I am not alone on this boat, specially for women who have been struggling with self-love and acceptance of their bodies. To be honest, this was a topic I am always passionate writing and talking about because I have so much strong feels about it. But why is it something that I feel so strongly about?

You see, I am really on the heavy side.Though I know I don't have to explain myself further, I know there are also other women like me, who gain weight easily (in as much as there are women who can eat heartily without gaining a single pound). In fact, this has been my issue for so many years since I was a teen ager.  In a world where they judge you by your looks and by the pounds you seem to gain, how do we face the world confidently and avoid all those comments about your weight?

There seems to be no escape, really. In the Philippines, "ang taba mo na" seems to be a way of saying "hello or hi." While I am done shedding tears for hearing such comments most of the time, I can't help but also feel for those girls who are going through the same thing. Girls who find it hard to love their self, their body, and all their flaws. Girls who try to starve themselves and to exercise extremely to lose weight. While I know that there are innumerable health benefits of having the ideal weight, I think it does not have to reach the point when someone has to be crazy just to reach that ideal number on the scale. You never know the pains that the woman has gone through- how she let go of her favorite snack and painstakingly sacrificed her leisure time and spend it working out or exercising. At the end of the day, it boils down to her wanting to feel confidently beautiful with her body, and people still making remarks with her weight are adding to the burden and are not helping at all.

Perhaps, we can easily be blindsided and unaware of what another person is going through and it is easy for us to utter words without thinking of the implications for the person. How do I go about this then? As for me, I have been crying for this for years and God knows, but it is a gradual process of acceptance. I have to accept that this is me and my body. This is God's gift to me. I should cherish and care for it, because it is a wondrous blessing. And, no matter what happens, through thick or thin thighs, believe that God always love you for who you are and there are still people who will accept you for who are you are even with all the cellulites and fats.

If I can just make an appeal and plea to the world, it is this: let us teach girls to love themselves and their bodies instead of just conforming to the crazy ideal standards of the world. Every girl is beautiful in her own way, and let us help one another believe in her own beauty, instead of unknowingly putting them down.  Besides, being skinny does not equate to being happy, just as being chubby/overweight/ fat does not mean you are ugly. Can we just be genuine and heartfelt with our hi and hello, instead of starting our conversation with "ang taba mo na?" ( Hey, you have gained weight.) And if ever they really do, don't you think they are unaware? Words can either make a break a person, so it is a gentle reminder to be wary of cautious of what we say, and the gravity of its effects, all the time.

And so the other day, I looked at my old photos and reminisce. I can't help but laugh at how skinny I was (maybe I was back then) years back. I wondered where did all the sexiness and confidence go? And while maybe I can still bring them back, or maybe if they never will, there is something that can never be taken away-the wisdom and maturity I have gained over the years. I think, more than being sexy and fit (according to society's standards), this is what matters. Beauty and sexiness  will eventually fade, but a good and sincere heart, and a strong mind, will forever remain.

I may be pounds heavier. So what? I choose to be happy. And I owe it to myself to enjoy life and not to please anyone's eyes.

a word for our pound for pound king

The Pacquaio-Marquez stand-off was another talk of the town (and the world) this 2012. After four boxing fights, many said that this is finally the concluding match and will really determine who the best fighter is. Unfortunately though, Pacquaio's magic didn't make it. On the sixth round, he fell, much to the bewilderment, surprise, and devastation of all his avid fans. The debates are on-going, attributing it to his 'change of religion.' Many would say that he has lost his lucky charm because he no longer held his rosary tight, knelt down, and prayed before the fight. Others would blame his change of religion, from being a Catholic, and now to a Protestant. He no longer strictly adhere to the beliefs of the Catholic faith since he is now a Protestant convert, he attends Bible studies and preach the word of God in accordance to the Protestant faith. People mock as if they were Pacquaio, as if they knew all the pains he has gone through. It is very sickening to hear people throw stones as if he never did anything good for the country. How heart-breaking it is to hear all the stone-throw of harsh words even if Pacman was truly a country's pride after all the laurels he has brought home for our motherland. And so here I am, not to protect his interest, but as a fan and supporter, to give my due respect to our so called "pound-for-pound" king.

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To our dearest Pacman,

I am not really a boxing fanatic. But because I almost grew up watching all your fights (courtesy of my dad), I sort of was left with no choice but to love boxing. I really admired your dedication and passion for your craft- your rigorous and intense training was always beyond wonders as you really put your heart in what you do. Boxing was akin to putting your other foot below the ground- life threatening that is, and even if others would say it is for pure money-making and for the fame and glory, I am still just proud as a fan to see my fellow Filipino fight and triumphantly bring home the bacon and the laurel. Your victory is also ours, and so for every fall, we feel your pain and agony, too. People can be so cruel and judge you harshly, but at the end of the day, please remember that you always have your loyal supporters to pat your back and pray for you after every defeat. This fall is just a challenge to your faith and strength of character. Much is given to you- power, fame, riches, and glory. Thus, much is expected. Please be reminded that people are wary and on the look-out on how you'll take your defeat. Honestly, I pray that you will take it the way a real sportsman should- with humility and acceptance, which I believe you did. With that, I hope that you won't look at it as if it's the end of the world. Remember, you are not on the pillar of success forever, because no one will hold on to that too for so long. As it is, no matter how strong you might be, you will always have your downfall. As the song superman goes, even heroes have the right to bleed.

Yes, it is not easy to be you. Months of training, venomous words from your opponents, a bloody fight inside the ring- who would have endured all those? Only a brave soul- which you did. You have been an example worthy of emulation for your untiring dedication to your country, your sport, and your faith in God. Likewise, you have proven that you can always go beyond what is expected as you bravely faced the world of politics, no matter how dirty as it appears to be. You have done so much, actually. And needless to say,  there is nothing much to prove. Believe that all this happens for a reason, and it is just a test, and with your faith, all this you will pass with flying colors.

I am not in the position to say or to tell you that it is time for you to let go. But maybe, after many years of fighting, I guess you should consider it giving yourself the peace and the rest you deserve. You have given the country so much victories already, and while you are still on the peak of your career, with record still clean as it appears to be, then go and consider retiring. Your world does not stop inside the ring. In fact, that's just the beginning of it. Prove your detractors wrong, and show them the real strength of an ultimate fighter. Don't give up on your faith; instead show them that with your faith, there is no life's battle that you cannot win.

They say that this might be  a "punishment" for your conversion, but I would not agree or disagree with that. Anyhow, people are entitled to their opinions, respect that. But if your heart is really for serving Him, by all means do it. Listen to your heart and not to the voices of the majority. As always, the heart can tell you where your home is. I am a Catholic too. But I respect it if you found home and refuge in the Protestant faith. Worry not if people condemn you. At the end of the day, you will know that people persecute you because you are way above them. Catholic, Christian, Buddhist, or Muslim, does it still matter? It may or it may not. But as long as you are committed to your faith, I guess you can never be wrong. Serve wholeheartedly, that is all that matters.

So now that you are confronted with such a tough challenge, remember who to turn to. There will always be that someone who will pick you up. And no matter what happens, there will always be those good people who will look up to you for all you've done. Think of them instead of your detractors. You had a long and tedious journey already. And for all of that, our sincerest thanks. You are still one of the greatest boxers the Philippines and the world could ever have. We are just plain proud!

Stand up and keep the faith and fire burning in your heart!

With respect and prayers,

Ellen Marie Llabore