Heart's spiel

You are Heaven’s greatest gift to me

One that I prayed for and waited

Perhaps, which still came as a surprise

And did not expect.

If this love of ours I have to define

And put into words

Find rhythm and rhyme,

I will end up speechless, tongue-tied

Of how this heartbeat of yours

Greatly matches with mine.

Is there such a thing as perfection

And a love that’s so divine?

A love that’s perennial and timeless

Which conquered all fear, doubt, and miles;

This kind of love you got it covered-

From today, tomorrow, hereafter.

And you incredibly knew the way

To make my heart flutter

To make my speeches stuttered

All fears casted and thrown away

For your perfect love

Which came in the perfect time

Has made all my doubts in love wither.

For you have awoken my once sleeping heart

Your love has revived the dreamer in me

Till finally it is for me to see,

That true and perfect love is a reality

With you, this love will be our perfected art,

And To the world we shall make a decree

That no one can ever tear us apart.

Feel Your Feelings: A Movie Commentary of "Inside Out"

 "This above all: to thine own self be true, And it must follow, as the night the day, Thou canst not then be false to any man." - Hamlet by Shakespeare

In the society we live in, we are often bound to mask or camouflage our innermost feelings. Thinking that we will be judged, misunderstood, or perceived as difficult to deal with, we'd rather hide the pain or conceal our fears, angst, gloom, or hurts. When asked the question "How are you?", we often response with the classic "I'm fine," even if in reality, it's the other way around. It is seemingly an unwritten rule for us to pretend we are okay, or to carry our burdens deep within, for they will be solved anyway, in the long run.

But even the most optimistic and joyful of all person has its limits and boundaries. And our real emotions will soon find its way out. As shown in the movie "Inside Out," Joy cannot rule over Sadness forever. Yes, for a couple of days, we will succeed in feigning gladness. At one point, we can still muster the courage and feel that we are okay. Yet, when left on our own, and when we try to mull-over things, in silence of the night, what we are truly feeling will finally surface. We may try to acknowledge or deny what we really feel, but either way, no matter how we bottle them up deep inside, it will eventually find its way out. 

This battle of emotions was evident in the movie "Inside Out" when Riley tried her best to show her parents that she is satisfied with their current situation and that it was an easy pill for her to swallow. But moving to a new place, and leaving her hometown and friends was surely a big adjustment for her. However, since her parents somehow expect her to be the usual happy girl that she is, she has to feign  acceptance and full submission to her parent's decision, even if deep inside, the painful reality has not sunk in that much. There was much adjustment to do, and that was not fully processed with her, nor was she prepared for it. All of that was like a roller-coaster ride for Riley, but she has to try to live with what was expected of her, thus, denying or hiding her true feelings.

In the end, Riley knew their new life was not a walk in the park. She missed her hometown, and her friends. But like any of us, she pretended as if she was perfectly fine. Until one day, the bottled up feelings suddenly explode. At this point, we are enlightened that there will come a point that the emotions we bury deep within will reveal itself in time. Until when is it safe to deny ourselves what or how we truly feel? At what point is it safe to say that we are okay? Shall we just smile or pretend that everything is alright, or should we acknowledge that sadness and despair is creeping in, and we need someone to talk it out, to eventually lighten our load?

As the character, Sadness, puts it "Crying helps me slow down and obsess over the weight of life's problems." We often perceive crying as a sign of weakness, but in fact, those who admit that they feel lonely or sad, are courageous enough to admit and embrace their innermost feelings. Nothing is wrong with crying or tearing up over life's troubles. Just as there is thunderstorm and rain, surely life has its share of dark days. What's worth remembering and looking forward though, it that these gloomy feeling has its expiration date. The world is full of binaries, when there is rain, soon, the sun will rise and shine again. When we cry, we cleanse ourselves of the emotions that's burdening us and a way to purge pent up emotions so they don't lodge in our bodies. Our eyes may be dimmed by the tears that well-up as we cry, but we sure will feel that our vision is clearer after the outpour of tears. 

Denying oneself of our innermost emotions is futile because the truth shall always prevail, and as cliche as it is, will set one free. So the next time you feel deep inside that you feel sad, gloomy, depressed, or anything that is tantamount to "not perfectly fine," acknowledge that what you feel is real and worthy of attention and processing. After all, there is a healthy amount of loneliness that's worth mulling over with. Feel your feelings, because in the end, our feelings hold the key to our well-being. "Don't worry. It's okay to be sad. Feel it. Let it out. After that, everything will be alright." :)

twists and turns

Recently, a lot of unexpected twists and turns happened in my life. When all of a sudden I was getting used to my life's routine, something happened, and I thought, it was good. It was sad because I thought life has a way of surprising and telling me that the wait may finally be over, and I finally got what I deserve. But my heart knew it wasn't. And dealing with the painful reality and the stings of my conscience was more difficult than the long waiting time I endured.

Maybe God is not the kind of God who rewards us because we are good and kind. Maybe HE does not easily and readily give up what we deserve. I'd like to think that we meet certain people in our life to break our hearts, to test our patience and strength of character, and to make us realize our self-worth. And for many times that I have been stooping low, maybe this time I did it again. I do not want to question God, though. Though I can't understand His plans for me, I would like to believe that life's twists and turns will always lead us to something better and greater. Honestly though, I'm afraid, that because of that fear, I don't even think that I can easily pray. :(

I don't want to feel sorry for myself, also. And I don't want to feel that I'm always a victim. Maybe because I believe in giving people a chance to prove themselves and that they are worth keeping in my life. Maybe because it's hard for me to say NO. Or maybe because, at the end of the day, I'm afraid of being alone, really, even if on the outside, they see me as an independent woman.

I hope what happened will not make an embittered person out of me, because honestly, I'm afraid of trusting people now. After what happened, I don't know if I can still give a chance to what I have been praying for so long. I'm afraid I don't know if I should try again, or just let things be, or accept that maybe it is not for me. I feel sad, very very sad, and the sadness is profound, but I have to keep it to myself, and just pretend that I'm okay.

I hope life will surprise me with something really good, after this. Something good that will last for a lifetime, not for a short while. :(

puso, ano ang kwento mo?

Gaano ba kasakit ang di mahalin ng taong mahal mo?

Masakit. Sobrang sakit. Parang biniyak ang puso at kaluluwa mo. O maaring higit pa.

Lahat naman kasi ng tao, umaasa at nananalig sa isang “happy ending.” Na baling araw ma-meet natin si ”the one.”

Sabi nga din nila, kung gaano kasarap o kasaya umibig, ganoon din naman ang sakit na dulot nito.

Minsan sa sobrang sakit, tinatanong mo na kung “Bakit ganito? Bakit kailangan ako masaktan? Bakit di niya ako mahal? Ano ang mali? Bakit di niya ko kayang mahalin?”

Siguro naman, sa isang banda sa ating buhay, naramdaman na natin ang tinatawag na unrequited love.

Sa mga way over na sa stage na ito, congratulations. Wow! Isa kayong patunay na “the right one will come along if we wait, believe, and pray for it.”

Sa mga on the way pa lang, there is more to come. (Ito ay isang warning o pwede ding reminder, bahala na kayo maginterpret J )

Sa mga nagmomove-forward: push niyo lang yan. Go. Kaya pa natin to. Sabi nga ni RB, if you can’t move on, move on some more! As in more!

Dahil naniniwala naman siguro tayong lahat, na hindi un-fair ang buhay, di ba? Kaya nga bilog ang mundo, paikot-ikot. Kahit pa feeling mo nakikita mo sila lahat, in a relationship na. At tayo, hindi pa. Madami dami na din ang kinakasal na, pero may mga waiting pa din kung dadating pa ba siya- si future groom or bride. Sa kaibuturan ng ating puso nandoon ang paniniwala, na darating siya, at hindi ba yun ang pinakamahalaga? Dahil sa huli, ang pag-ibig ay darating sa kung sino man ang naniniwala dito.  At kahit gaano kahirap mag-intay, kahit minsan sawa ka na sa kakadasal dahil pakiramdam mo di ka pinakikinggan, pero mahigpit ang kapit natin. At ito ay tinatawag nating faith o pananampalataya, at ito ang nagpapatibay sa atin- nagbibigay lakas na maniwala tayo, kahit pakiramdam natin, wala ng bukas, wala ng pag-asa.

Maaring nakalugmok ka ngayon after mo mabasted, friend-zoned, seen-zoned o kung ano pa mang ang katumbas ay unrequited love. Or maaring nagheheal pa ang iyong broken heart pakatapos ng isang pag-ibig na hindi rin pala kayo sa huli. Pero kahit gaano man kasakit, alam natin, ano mang hakbang ang gawin natin ang siyang magdidikta ng kapalaran sa hinaharap, kaya kailangan magdesisyon tayo ng wasto at nararapat, dahil kung mag-self destruct tayo sa kasalukuyan, ang future din natin ang magiging kaawa-awa. At hindi naman siguro tayo papayag dun di ba? Gusto pa din natin ng happy ending. At dahil tayo ay optimists, pipiliin natin ang tamang daan, ika nga. Kahit matagal, kahit mahirap, at madaming pasikot-sikot. Kasi may tiwala tayo e, na karapat-dapat tayong mahalin, na may nakikinig sa prayers natin, na ang halaga natin ay hindi naididikta ng kung gaano tayo sinaktan, pinabayaan, binalewala ng taong minsang pinag-ikutan ng mundo natin. Ang halaga natin ay higit pa sa mga kamalian o kakulangan, dahil lahat naman ito matatama at mapupunan, basta bukal sa loob natin na magbago or punan ang mga pagkukulang.

At kahit gaano man kahirap mag-intay na dumating ang tamang tao sa buhay natin, alam ko, hindi ako nagiisa sa mga nananalig at naniniwala, darating siya. Na hindi natin sisirain ang buhay natin para lang sa isang taong di tayo kayang mahalin, bigyan ng halaga, o nang-iwan at nanakit, dahil gusto natin na maibigay natin ng buong- buo ang ating sarili sa taong nararapat sa atin, balang-araw. At ang lahat ng sakit na to, ng hirap, ng mga matang namumugto sa kakaiyak, ng pusong tinagpi-tagpi muna habang naghihilom pa- lahat ng ayan ay mawawala, hindi man ganon kadali, kahit paunti-unti, pag dumating ang tamang tao, sa tamang oras, tamang panahon, at tamang pagkakataon.

At dahil gusto natin na magmahal ng buong-buo muli sa pagdating ni “the one,” babangon tayo, magpapakabuti sa kung ano man ang pinagkakaabalahan natin, at sisikapin natin maging nararapat sa kung sino man ang nakalaan sa  atin. Ang tunay na pagibig ay handang mag-intay- kahit madaming balakid, hindi ito papadaig sa mga hamon. Dahil sa lahat, ang tunay na pag-ibig ay nakahihigit.

Kaya kahit ano man ang kwento ng puso mo, di ka nag-iisa. Kapit lang, my friend. Iiyak mo na yan, mauubos din ang luha. Magtanong ka lang, kung bakit. Balang araw malalaman mo din kung bakit hindi. I-let go mo lang kahit mahirap. Balang araw, oo balang araw, may tamang tao para sa iyo. Kung ano mang hirap at sakit ang pinagdaanan natin, maaring ipagpasalamat natin iyon. Dahil ang lahat ng hirap, sakit, pagod, luha na dinanas natin, ay siyang daan para makilala natin ang “the one.” Kapag nandiyan na siya, masasabi natin na sulit ang pag-iintay. Kaya sa ngayon, kahit ang status ay single and available, wait ka lang. Mapupush din ang kwento ng puso mo. In time. J

• Para sa lahat ng naniniwala na darating ang one true love, ang tamang tao para sa tin, cheers! The waiting will be worth it. Let’s believe and have faith. J

in silence

The beauty of silence allows me to ponder and marvel at a number of things...

a love that hurts and could never have been
of pain knifing one's heart, free flowing waters on one's cheeks
of groping and holding onto as obscure it may seem
still clinging into the impossible, the dark and the rim
fervent prayers whispered where faith is as unlimited as dreams.

Because it's in one silence where enlightenment is at its peak
to come to terms with oneself, nobody else plays intrusive
where oneself and inner soul collide
and the heart and mind finally coincides
the silence is the dawn of one's day
to bid goodbye to the unknown and the vague.

And you would know when to hold on and to let go
the heart speaks words that made sense even ages hence
the calming of one's fury, the fire has expired
there's ample light and glimmer on one's mind
never to be lost, a road map as a guide
in the midst of silence is the courage to decide.

Even if tears continuously flow or the heart unceasingly bleeds
the silence gathers courage, to give in even to defeat
it is a testament to memories, foolish choices, and the could have beens
and in silence one relives, hopes, accepts, cries, and keeps on dreaming.
Till reality prods to make choices, hand in hand with one's silence
And that day void with noise makes all that difference.

love is a choice

Sometimes there are no happy endings. No matter what, I’ll be losing something, someone. But maybe that’s what it all comes down to. Love, not as a surge of passion, but as a choice to commit to something, someone, no matter what temptations or obstacles stand in the way. And maybe making that choice, again and again, day in and day out, year after year, says more about love than never having a choice to make at all.

-          “Love the One You are With” Emily Giffin

            These days, the definition of love is very varied, and sadly sometimes, to the point that it is idealized. Love is compared to a fairy tale, akin to having flutters and butterflies in one’s stomach, fantastic, and magical.  But love, as beautiful and amazing as it is, has its ups and downs. Truth be told, love is never perfect, and you can’t always expect sweet and melodious music playing as the background. Still and all, even with the imperfections, shortcomings, and flaws, you still love and that is a choice you decide to make.

            In love there will be days when you will have fights and disagreements- petty, trivial, serious and grave. Even so, no matter how difficult and troublesome it is, you both make up and reconcile, because you believe that love is worth fighting for. As the song goes “I won’t give up on us, even the sky gets rough”, and despite the hassle and bustle of the relationship, you are willing to give love a go, and you decide to stay and make amends, because it is simply not worth giving up.

            No matter how much we try, there will be times when we will fail in the eyes of the one we love. Sometimes it’s intentional or maybe a result of the circumstances. And when this happens, love allows you to be humble, to forgive, to forget and not to hold grudges. True love does not harbour any bitterness and does not seek revenge. With that, love is willing to start all over again and again  - anew, afresh, even better than ever.

            With the imperfections that come with humanity is the thinking that someone may still be better out there. Even with the idea that someone is way handsome or prettier, more intelligent, more successful, more caring and sweet, the moment you promised to love the person you are with, you make all efforts to guarantee he/she is the one, and no one else will ever be. Truth is, there will really always be someone that seems to be better than the person you love. But love is also about sticking with the person you promise to love forever, even if you are old, wrinkly, overweight, toothless, and gray. Sadly, infidelity happens because we allow our discontentment to devour our system. It’s then that we start to look for someone else, without realizing that we already have the 80% of what we are looking for, and still wander searching for the missing 10%. Loyalty does not come easily. It is sometimes a painstaking process one has to endure with all the temptations hovering around. Loving the one you are with is an effort we all have to make. We stay in love and in the relationship because we choose to. It is always a product of choice and not of circumstance.

            And when the spark and magic starts to fade away and die down, what are we supposed to do? Is it something to mope about, to be embittered, and to soon leave? The reality is the magic and spark of love is likewise a product of our actions- with consistent and persistent effort. This applies to male and female alike. When the harmonious music decreases in volume, maybe it’s time to make our own music. Which goes to say, we make an effort to make the music, spark, and magic keep blazing and aflame, even with the test of time, and all the obstacles couples have to go through.

            At the end of the day, love is always a choice. It is not just a feeling, for there will always be a time when feelings mellow down, although may not necessarily change. We stay in love because we want to and have to constantly live by the promise we make the day we allow ourselves to fall in love. And love gets more beautiful that even if you fall out of love, you stand up and decide to stay, because you know that love is not just about feelings, but of actions. Love is a verb we have to act upon- everyday, as it goes in the wedding vows: through sickness and health, richer and poorer, till death do us part. Now that is the magic of true love as it always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

invisible invincible

Life is somehow on the rocks recently. I wish I could say it's a breeze, but there's just so much to be stressed about. I'm not complaining really. This time I will be narrating the facts, because they happen for real. Still and all, I try my best to keep it cool.

I started the school year telling myself that everything will be fine. For the first few months, it is. As time progressed, well, things sort of changed. I still love my students, but they do get the hell out of me sometimes. They are little angel-devils. Don't be deceived if they are cute and oh so loving. They are mischievous, but yeah well yeah, you love them still. Talk about unconditional love, maybe I'm good at that.

With great power comes great responsibility, so as much as possible, I avoid committing myself to extra school work, lest I want myself exhausted, drained, and dead (just exaggerating). I don't volunteer myself and I shrug my shoulders off when there's a meeting or gathering. I guess instead of loving where I'm at, I'm starting to be more detached, numb, and sometimes...cynical. This is not good.

There's just so much expectations from work. Morning meetings, Character Formation, Excellent Teaching, Discipline, Diligence, Responsibility, Prudence, Modesty (I am never super modest, believe me!)....and all those other virtues you can ever think of. I am not perfect though, and their expectations sometimes do frustrate me. Oh I can never really attain perfection and I am not inline for beatification. I have flaws, and I love it. As time goes by, I learned to create my own identity, and what people say about me, will never define who I am.

A source of consolation is my friends at work. Yes I do have them. We share the same sentiments and rants. And they keep me going when the going gets tough. I laugh, whine, scream, with them. And if there's a reason why I still go to work, I guess it's because of them.


These days I barely meet my other friends though. Because of what happened recently (Read my previous blogs, hoho), I started to let go of them, slowly. Time can tell when I will see them again. They are all busy, though. And I know time is our greatest opponent. The same goes for my college friends. I'm not gonna let them go, because as for me, they are the most genuine of all. These are the people who love me and accept me for who I am, who are excited for my successes, and will comfort me during my downtrodden moments. If all else fail, they listen but never judge. It's just I seem to be more laid-back compared to them. They all get busy from work. I bother them to give me time, but then again, our time never matches perfectly. We can find time, maybe, but not know. In times like this, I know, I have myself to depend on. And God is also there.

Good to know that I still know to set my priorities straight. I still join connect groups (an activity at the Feast), I am starting to attend Thursdays worship service again and I am back to writing. I miss the adrenaline rush of an ever busy life, but I guess God wants me to chill a bit. I just don't want to stay at home most of the time because I'm the time who wants to make the most out of my life. In fact, as early as now, I scheduled my summer trip already. And I am bringing my family to Bohol this time. Cheerssss! Something to look forward to, indeed.

And I still have this uncertainties as regards to work. Maybe next year is the perfect timing to say Goodbye to the school where I served for three-four years. Sad to say, even if I tried, I know it is not the place where I see myself retiring. As early as now, I have to decide where I am going- Scholastic, Science School, International School, or abroad. The decision is mine to make, and God, I just hope You will help me see where I can be my best self, and simply be happy. :) In my heart, I know, the moment I resign from work, it's gonna be liberating. So why am I restraining myself to be happy? Sometimes though, there are foolish mistakes you make. I have to learn to go out of my comfort zone.

Whatever happens in my life though,  I know it's for the best. I make my own decisions, but with guidance from my friends, family, the people who care, and God, I know I'll finally find my road to happiness. I may not be perfectly contented with what I have, but I am still thankful  for all the blessings that come my way. And at the end of the day, I will say, "thy will be done." In due time, all will be well. And I am willing to take even the steepest step, if that road will lead me to where my heart will be at home.

so what if "di ka crush ng crush mo?"

Friendzoned. Broken Hearted. Devastated. Taken for granted. A fool out of love.

Sino ba kasing nagsabing madaling main-love?
Siguro sa taong gusto ka din at mutual ang feelings niyo, piece of cake! Go!

Pero what if di ka talaga crush ng crush mo?
Bakit nga kaya?

Sabi ni Mr. Ramon Bautista, ang mga dahilan kung bakit hindi nanliligaw ang mga lalake ay:

1. Nahihiya ako bumili ng flower.
2. Globe ka, smart ako.
3. Ayaw sa akin ng friends mo.
4. Ayaw ko sa friends mo.
5. Ang layo ng bahay mo.
6. Andami kog  karibal na pogi.
7. Hindi ako makapagsalita pag andyan ka.
8. Baka magkanda leche-leche lang ang friendship natin.
9. Irereject mo lang ako.
10. Hindi naman kita ganoon ka gusto talaga. :(

Painful di ba? Traumatic? (Talaga?) But remember, sabi din ni Mr. RB, this is a haiku of a broken heart:

E ano ngayon

kung ayaw mo na sakin?

Hu hu hu... hu hu

Pag sinabihan kang di pa ready, ayaw sa inyo niyan. Imaginin niyo ha, pag si Aga Mulhach ang nanligaw, ready o hindi ready, re-ready yan kasi gusto niya e. 

Hindi ako naniniwala sa fate, destiny, at soulmates. Ang mundo ay binubuo ng mga pangyayaring random na kaganapan. Bahala ka sa buhay mo.

At sabi naman ng friend ko na si Kat. M:

"You dont let the person you like slip away. You effin fight hell to be with him/her."

"If you meet the girl/man of your dreams,  "WAIT! DI PA KO READY, MAGLALANDI MUNA AKO FOR LIKE THREE MORE YEARS, WAIT KA LANG DYAN AH!"? No! You make sure that no one else will have a chance to steal them from you...  you make sure na ikaw ung pipiliin nia. There are millions of people on Earth and finding that one person you want to spend the rest of your life with is like finding a needle in a haystack. And when you do, will you let it go?"

Think about it. And there's a lot of guys out there who will be willing to love you NOW.

And will you still waste your effort and emotions on a person you know you'll be a sure and sour loser?
We all accept the love we think we deserve.
Let's reverse the situation, let's think we deserve someone way better. :)



Pero, Paano nga ba ang gagawin para maka get-over kapag unrequited love ang peg ng buhay mo? What's the best technique para makamove-on ang wasak na wasak na puso?

1. Kung hindi mutual ang feelings natin. Pwes, gagawin kong mutual. Ayaw ko na rin sa'yo.
2. If you can't move on, move on some more.
3. Huwag ipagpilitin ang sarili sa kanya, lalo na kung obvious namang "one way" ang pagiibigan.
4. Wala ng dapat alamin pa. Forward ang direksyon ng buhay.
5. There's more to life than that person. End of story, Period.
6. Rebound: pwedeng new pet, new special someone, or anything that will make you happy.
7. Revenge: Just be happy. Live an awesome life. 

And no matter how difficult it is, worry not, everything will be okay. As they say,  "if it's not okay, it's not yet the end."

And when one door closes, another window opens. 
There's more to life than love.

“TANDAAN: your mind is your weapon. Pagyamanin natin ito at magiging handa tayo sa gulo na dulot ng paghihimagsik ng puso at bird.” 

We can do it. We just have to think, we can.

And at the end,

Hindi ako crush ng crush ko. 
Eh ano ngayon?

Natuto ka naman, di ba? And now, you are even stronger than before. :)

stronger than yesterday

My heart is afraid. I’m overwhelmed by the fear. I know in my heart I’ve found my home in you. But Love, can never be forced. When our time never matches, and you seem so aloof and indifferent, where am I supposed to go? How do I let it all go when I know, I’ve hold onto you for quite long? Blame it all on me I guess, at the very onset, I know I should’ve forget the feeling.

                It’s sickening that my heart is uneasy but you seem not to even bother. Here I am, almost paralyzed with thoughts of you. Maybe I am trying to salvage everything by embracing good thoughts. I’m waiting for the signs, but the signs are not yet there for me to interpret. If the absence of a sign is likewise a sign, then I guess this is it.

                I have to face the pain and welcome the feeling of frustration and possibly devastation. But as they say, what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. I guess after this, I will be made whole and better, because I know I did my best and I will never ever have to depend on you for my completeness and happiness again. And maybe it is just not really meant to be. That after all what I’ve been through, it’s just a test of my character, to learn to let go of what I value the most, and by doing so, I can face the toughest of all odds.

                Rough winds may shake but never break me. Though, Yes I am afraid. Losing you, is like death in itself. It is too hypocrite of me not to admit that I am still groping and trying to find a way. But with your silence hovering, it leaves me hanging, wandering, and wondering. Did I ever matter to you? If I tried to let it all loose, will you let go of me, or will you fight for me too?

                The road to happiness seems too narrow for me. I am embracing the pain and taking it one step at a time. A love that’s meant for me will find its way, even if I avoid it. And though losing him means letting go of a good friend, I have to give it to myself too, I deserve to be happy, and with him leaving me like this, I don’t know if I still mean something to him.

                I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt. But I can only do so much. And when you think you’ve done your best and it maybe not enough, or too much, the only thing left for you to do, is give up. Accepting that that person may never be meant for you is excruciating, but hanging on when it is a strike to the moon is even more unbearable. I just hope it is never too late for me.

                We all become fools out of love, in one way or another. But there’s just an end for everything, no matter how silent suffering a martyr that person is. And if he lets go of me, I would like to say and claim, it’s his lost, not mine.

 

No one says I'll love you when I'm ready (repost from Kat M)

* I happened to find this blog from my close friend's site. And yes, I can very very much relate with it. I am still even thinking if the girl is me. Hohohoh



This is from He Says, She Says, He Say, a column in Manila Bulletin written by Chico, Delamar, and Gino.


‘No one says I’ll love you when I’m ready’
15 May 2013

DEAR CHICO, DELAMAR, AND GINO… My friend Lena has been in love with her high school friend for over three years now. I can say that they are close, they watch movies together, eat out, and go on trips with the entire group. I have been urging her to confess her secret love to him because I think there is something between them. Also, I know that he is the reason why she cannot like somebody else even if she has other suitors.

When Lena finally got the courage to tell him she likes him, he replied with “You are my ideal wife, but now, I still think like a teenager, I am not ready to be with you.“ What do you think this means? She always comes to me for advice, but I only have one thing to say: If a guy really likes you, he will move mountains just to be with you. If he doesn’t, then his reasons are like the stars, countless. What should I tell her? She has been waiting for him so long and I don’t want her to hurt anymore.

CHICO SAYS… I would tend to agree with your line of thinking. With the exception of a very, and I stress on the word VERY few men, most men would go for the girl they want, no ifs or buts about it, and just go for the prize. Men are not exactly known for their EQ, opting to gobble when they have the option to nibble instead. The whole “I’m not ready” bit is largely reserved for the women, who probably love the guy to bits already, but would act coy for the sake of their feminine wiles. Men don’t have the same penchant for hemming and hawing. I’d even daresay that if he really liked her, he wouldn’t even have waited for her to profess her love first. And even the most torpe of guys, once the girl does the job of taking out the guesswork, would gladly pick up the spoils. But you know what, she’d still probably stick around until he comes around. So you can give your honest two bits on the matter, because I doubt if it’ll make a dent in her resolve. I think only he can really put an end to this once he finds the courage to say how he really feels about her. But who knows, he might actually be one of those few men who are honest about their feelings?

DELAMAR SAYS… Tracy Chapman once sang, “A love prepared for days to come is as good as none.“ Nobody promises “I’ll love you when I’m ready“ or “I’ll love you in two, three, or four years.“ Either you love somebody or you don’t. And guys are the type who will go for what they want. If they want you, they’ll go after you. Besides, your friend is not asking this guy to marry her. It’s just at the boyfriend/girlfriend stage!  To me, he’s just coming up with smooth excuses not to be in a relationship. It sounds like he’s complimenting her by calling her ‘ideal wife’ material. But really what he’s saying is that he does not want to be in a relationship with her. Whatever the reasons are behind those words, it’s the same result -he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with your friend.

I think you gave your friend the appropriate advice. She probably won’t take your advice because she’s in love with him. Just keep telling her what you’ve been telling her. She’ll let go when she’s good and ready. For now though, just stand by her even as she chooses to make a fool of herself because of “love.“ We’re all bound to do that at least once in our lifetime. We are all fools for love one time or another. But lessons will be learned sooner or later. Hopefully, it will be sooner rather than later for your friend.

GINO SAYS… What can I say, love is always complicated. I think that in this case though, either he just wants to keep her around as a back-up plan (as harsh as that might sound) or he still wants to play around. One of the reasons your friend is probably being neglected by this guy is because she’s just too readily available. Trust me when I say that whether you’re a guy or a girl, being too available is just not something that’s appealing to the opposite sex.

It’s difficult to pull away from a person when you like them, but at this point, if your friend wants the attention of the guy, I honestly think she should make herself unavailable. Yes, it’s a gamble because he might just completely forget about her, but at least it’ll help her move on either way. I mean come on, if you met the person that you really wanted to end up with, would you really let her go, with the risk that some other person will pounce on her or take her away?

My friends always tell me “mag pa miss ka naman.” In this case, I think that’s exactly what she should do.

on my own

**** I just watched the phenomenal "Les Miserables" yesterday (though I know I am way too late!). I would say that the movie was indeed heartwarming and fantastic. Made me shed tears for sure. But of all the songs, this was the one that touched my heart the most. "I love him, but only on my own." I guess this song captures what my heart feels for him. <3 span="">


And now I'm all alone again 
No where to turn no one to go to 
Without a home without a friend without a face to say hello to 
And now the night is near 
Now I can make believe he's here 

Sometimes I walk alone at night when everybody 
Else is sleeping 
I think of him and then I'm happy with 
The company I'm keeping 
The city goes to bed 
And I can live inside my head 

On my own, 
Pretending he's beside me, 
All alone, I walk with him till morning. 
Without him, I feel his arms around me, 
And when I lose my way, I close my eyes, 
And he has found me... 

In the rain, 
The pavement shines like silver, 
All the lights are misty in the river, 
In the darkness the trees are full of starlight, 
And all I see is him and me, 
Forever and forever... 

And I know it's only in my mind, 
That I'm talking to myself and not to him, 
And although I know that he is blind, 
Still I say, there's a way for us... 

I love him, 
But when the night is over, 
He is gone, the river's just a river 
Without him the world around me changes, 
The trees are bare and everywhere the streets are full of strangers. 

I love him, 
But everyday I'm learning, 
All my life, 
I've only been pretending, 
Without me, 
His world will go on turning, 
A world that's full of happiness, 
That I have never known... 

I love him... I love him... 
I love him... But only on my own...

introspections

And some people will come and go into your life, and sometimes when you least expect it, they will.

It's a sad fact of life that not everyone who comes will stay forever. Life, as always, is full off changes, very transitory, ephemeral, and fleeting. Sometimes, we will be left aghast as to how we will get along with others well, be acquaintances, buddies, friends (and even more). Yet, the next thing we know is they started to disappear, pooof vanish out of our lives, forever. Countless people touched our lives, in one way or another, but a number of them will just pass by, like the air that gently touches one's cheeks, for a minute or a swift second. 

 At times it will also be useless to look for things that you want to last. Like friendships, relationships, and love. If it will come when you least expect it, do you still have to go the distance to search in vain, at the end of the day. After trying to play all your cards, and eventually lose at the end, is it still worth it? It pains to lose, but maybe, it is still worth it, maybe if we look at our failures as a learning experience.

Bucket of tears will be shed. But we can't help but love and depend on others too, most of the time. Though they say it is better not to attach oneself to anybody, it may sound too pessimistic a view, as no man is an island. We are by nature a gregarious and social being- born to mingle, interact, and communicate. We have a heart made to feel, care, and love. And even if that love may be a friendly, brotherly, or romantic one, we still feel it and give it wholeheartedly, despite the fact that sometimes, it's unrequited, or the person to whom you give it to is not even worth it.

Still despite all the pains it may still be worth the wait. Maybe it will still be worth the tears. Who knows? The searching will still be worth it And when you still feel the pain, it may not be over yet. Life is a long long journey that we all travel. It's indeed a long... long journey...and eventually we may find our way back home, to whoever or whatever it is that we are all looking for.

Feel the pain until it hurts no more.
Go on. Sail and discover. Who knows what you may have found?
And when sometimes it's not worth it anymore,
we can always rest for a while, but don't give up on the dreams we are fighting for.

#bad hair day

I get so tired of people suddenly throwing their bouts of irritation and losing their temper on me, for reasons unknown. I know I may have faults, I can be naughty at times, but that does not give them the liberty to be grouchy on me.

They say that you can't be nice or people will use and abuse you, I guess that's true. The moment I become the goody-goody too shoes and nice girl next door, apparently, it does not go to my advantage. In fact, I can even be lambasted because of it. Sometimes, being a mean girl also pays off. It allows people to keep some sort of a distance because you know how to fight for yourself.

When you're nice, warm, kind-hearted, and accommodating, people feel as if you would always "understand." Mabait naman yan eh, okay lang yan. They wouldn't even bother thinking if you get annoyed, hurt, or offended, in any way. They feel that your patience is exuding and overflowing, when in fact you are not a saint, and you have your limits too.

I'm tired of the shitty treatment of the people around me. Apparently, even if you treat them with kindness, they can still afford to distance themselves from you. I didn't do anything wrong, so why should I be the one to ask myself, "what have I done?"  I guess this is a challenge for me to be more assertive and to learn to fight back. It all takes courage, but that's way too hard. But if I want to stop this seemingly unfair treatment towards me, I should not always stoop low and say "it's okay" when the hell it is not. I should tell the person straight to his/her face that "I didn't like what you do," or "your immaturity is not my responsibility," much more "I don't deserve to be treated that way."

Even heroes have the right to bleed. And I am not a deity or a superhero. It all gets tiring too, at the end of the day. I hate to displease and hurt others. But how come I feel all these?

The world can sometimes be unfair. But all I know is, you teach people how to treat you. The moment I learn to stand for myself, I guess all these will be put to a halt.

of challenges and hurdles

These past few days, even if it was just the start of the year 2013, have been too tight and smothering. We are seemingly reaching the impossible dream through our impossible deadlines, so to speak. In moments like these, how I wish I can just shout at the top of my lungs, and later on maybe vanish. I'm not feeling lonely, it's just that sometimes, the demands of our work can be too much for me to bear. There's no doubt that I love teaching, no matter how difficult it may be. But sometimes, you just want some distance and rest for all the toxicity brought about by the world of work. If I can just fade away....

Another thing that bothers me is my close friends from work leaving and resigning soon. I never really talked about this, but as the school year is almost ending, I can sometimes feel the sadness too. Work becomes a breeze, even with all the stress if you have established good friendships with some of the people around. You go out together, relax, dine out, drink, and simply have fun over the endless stories (and even complains) bout work and your personal life. It all feels good when you get a pat from the back, a joke, or a hug from them. Life goes on despite all the hurdles because of good friends, and with them leaving, I wonder how I will make it through next year.

And to whom will I share my rants, my frustrations, disappointments and worries in work? Will I be able to still radiate happiness even without them? These may be senseless worries that I am having, but still I do feel bad. However, it's good to know that not everyone close to me will leave. There are some who will still remain, and I guess I should make our bond stronger. This may be the best time to know more of my colleagues, and eventually gain more friends.

I know I'm not really alone. Life will not end with them leaving and seeking for another workplace where they think they will grow more. If all else seems so challenging and tiring, I can always seek refuge in the arms of my Maker. I can always relay to him all my worries, struggles, and fears, and soon everything will turn out fine. And besides He will not take away something without replacing it with something (or maybe someone) better. I'll just wait for the major surprise in store for me next school year, and in the months to come.

As my mom would always tell me, I am never in control with the lives of my friends. It could not be helped that they will come and go. But as they leave, I am certain that the wondrous memories will be forever etched in my heart. And it times of despair, I will draw inspiration and courage from the memories of those happy times. I will carry on and make it through all the rain. I have a stronger umbrella, so I should not be afraid of the storm. There's nothing that I cannot do and withstand. All it takes is a positive mind and a faithful heart that will be in unison in believing that all will be well. :D

para kay "the one who got away"

Ikaw, oo, ikaw.

Ikaw yung "the one who got away" ko.

Lahat nga siguro ng pick-up line pwede ko ng aralin, para sana mapansin at tingnan mo lang ako. Wa-epek ba? Siguro?

Ang tagal ko na ding nagdadasal. Pinagdaanan ko na lahat. Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Depression. Pero nasa process pa din ako ng acceptance.

Sabi ko nga akala ko "Just when I though I was over you" na ang peg ng buhay ko. Nagdaan na ang lahat ng bagyo, biglang "Ill never get over you" naman... pwede ring "I'll never go far away from you." At the end of the day, kumakanta ang puso ko "Bakit nga ba mahal kita?" Best friend ko na tuloy si Roselle Nava.

Kailan oh kailan, kailan mo ba mapapansin ang aking lihim? Kahit anong gawing lambing, di mo pinapansin. Lahat na ata ginawa ko. Inaway na kita, naglalambing, nagpapakabait, nagsusungit, nagdidisappear, ngunit sa puso ko'y ikaw pa rin! Awwww!

Ang hirap ng ganito. And I hid inside, till I almost died. Lagi kitang tinitingnan pag sa malayo. Hanggang tingin na lang, pasulyap-sulyap, admiring you from afar...from a distance. Minsan nakakatempt na ngang lumapit sa yo. Magpakilala, kahit kilala mo na ko. Baka kasi di pa nakaimprint sa puso mo yung pangalan ko eh, ako na ang gagawa para sa 'yo.

Pero ayaw ko din namang ipilit sarili ko. That's why I tried to maintain some sort of distance. Pero after all what I have been through, it all comes down to you, and only you. Sana nga it's meant to be the two of us after all. Pero ang tanong kasi: should I give up, or should I keep on chasing pavements? Hanggang kailan, hanggang saan, hanggang matapos ang kailanpaman?

Sabi ko nga napapagod din ang puso. Sutil na puso to eh. Pasaway sobra. Kadenahan ko nga. Swooosh, kumakawala. Hinahabol ka eh. Tumitingin ako sa iba, you know. Promise. Kaso, soulmate nga ata talaga kita. Ang malas ata, hanggang doon na lang ata yon. Friendzoned, I guess so ganun na nga ata ang mangyayari. Ayoko ng friends forever, kung ako lang ang tatanungin, tuloy, ang heartstrings ko, "why can't it be the two of us, why can't we be lovers, only friends."

Sana at the end "tayong dalawa." Ang sarap siguro nun. Ang tagal na kitang hinihintay. And I can't stop the madness until it explodes, minsan. Which goes to say, ang hirap pigilin ng damdamin. Mr. Kupido, sablay ka pumana. Yan tuloy.

Minsan okay ka eh. Para ka lang talagang puzzle piece, which you have to unravel and solve the mystery.

But still and all, tama nga si Kat. Gusto kita. Sobra. Kaso may mga bagay na kailangan "time-out" muna. Pwede kasing nagiintay ako sa wala. Pwede ding sobra na kong si gaga at tanga. All these time, baka sa yo lang ako nakatingin. So is it safe to say na kailangan I should expand my vision. Baka kasi hanggang dito lang tayo. Baka kasi we are not really meant to be.

"In another life, I will be your girl."

Pero kung tayo, there's gonna be one less lonely girl. :D 

it's a date :D

After three months, oh yes, congratulate me, I had a date again! Wohooo! I've been praying for this one, seriously. And even if I did not expect that the guy would express his interest in meeting me, he did. :)

Actually, this smart guy is a very interesting person. In person, he really seems shy and inexpressive, but when he talks, oh well, you would conclude that he knows a lot. He's an engineer so expect that he's adept at math. Plus, he reads! And even reads better than I do (even if I'm the English teacher). And there's more because he sketches, and even writes. Wow naman kuya for that!

Ours was a pretty normal date. We ate snack. Watch "The Hobbit". Talked inside the movie house about what we are watching (sorry to those seated beside and in front of us, I know we are kind of chatty! hahaha). I find his expressions while watching a movie funny and weird, but nevertheless cute (it's quite hard to describe! hahaha)! A perfect gentleman, he is. The temperature in the cinema is really cold, you know, and I was surprised he offered me his jacket, which I politely refused since I was not really shivering that time.

He was my Mr. Know it all when it comes to LOTR for he watched all the three movies, and I did not! So when there are things which I am confused of, I asked him, of course. At least I have someone to help me, so that's way better than watching it all by myself. :)

Dinner was conversation time. I appreciate the opportunity to know him better. Since the movie ran for three hours and it was getting late, we decided to call it a day. And well, he accompanied me home. I know that's normal. But I don't know,I find it sweet when guys do that. Honestly, not all my dates would offer to accompany me home. Hahahaha! Would you say he was way better than all the rest? Too early to say, I guess. But let me think he is. :) At least.

It was a long walk and ride going home. And yes, he met my family (dad and brother). They were not surprised at all as I prepared them for this. But It was me who was quite surprised by his actions. He made "mano" to my dad and shook hands with my brother, and called him "bro".  Quite respectful, really. I was touched and wowed. I hate to compare, but my ex did not do that, even.  Is that a good sign?  Well, my promise is that I won't compare anymore. Promise!

All in all. He was a simple, shy type guy, yet a gentleman. My cousin was right about what he said about him. Will there be a part two? Let's see. But I hope so. Honestly, I like the feeling of having someone whom I don't have to play pretend with. He's smarter than me, so being a smart girl, too, it's easy for me to express myself. And he listens, you would see, which is good. He may not be super talkative and bubbly, but come on- it's hard to find a super sensible and deep guy nowadays.

Again, it's too early to tell. It may just be a simple and friendly date for him, but I'm just open to all possibilities and I still hoping for the best yet to come. I'll keep in touch. Who knows, it may be love this time? No need to rush. :D

It's a happy Christmas indeed. And see, I had a date before Christmas. I can't help but shed tears of joy.
God answered my prayer already. At least I will all the more have the heart to move on and forget the bad memories of yesterday, and replace them with even better ones.

Thank you God. I am ready to love again. Soon. :)


12/22/2012
PS: It's not the end of the world!!!! :P