I am enough

Looking at my facebook feed lately can be both entertaining and sometimes frustrating. Surely, I get to be updated about friends and relatives what abouts. I get to be informed as to the latest buzz anywhere around the world. But that's actually at the surface level.

There are times when I am not fully entertained by what I see in social media. Truth be told, there are many and countless days that instead of feeling happy about what I see, I end up feeling frustrated. In reality, I think, this is what social media is all about, portraying a life that is seemingly perfect, until you dig in to the deeper truth behind every post. Jealousy, envy, insecurity can creep in once you see someone who is way prettier, sexier, or more successful than you do. How come he/she is able to afford such travels? How can she maintain that look and body at that age? Oh dear, he/she has a new car/ house (again). And here I am drowning in work. Not a pound lighter, not a penny richer.

Until then that I realised that you have to be learned to be secure on your own, regardless of what you have or do not. After all, the pressure kicks in if you see life as a constant competition. In reality, no matter how hard you work, there will always be someone better than you. No matter how beautiful you may be, there will always be someone who you feel is way superior than you in looks (and in body). It's easy to feel a tinge of jealousy and wallow in self pity after browsing thru your feed. But the real question is, "will you let it get into you?" Will you be affected or rather shrug it off?

At the end of the day, life is all about acceptance and setting of realistic expectations. The sooner you accept your current status or situation, the better. You will be able to let go of ill-feelings and you won't harbor an ounce of bitterness towards others. Besides, those people are not at fault if they have such abundance in life. I can still clearly remember what our preacher said years back  that sometimes "God will let you see how He is blessing other people." I believe He does not intend to make us feel down or bad. Maybe, it's a way of Him telling, "if I can bless these people, so do you." And if ever you still don't feel any better, just remember this: "everyone lives according to his/her own timeline," and "comparison is the thief of joy."

I know it's hard not to fret or compare. But will it add a day to your life if you worry about things you do not have at the moment? Of course, it will not. It will only stress the whole out of you, and turn you into a grumpy monster. So when I am tempted to compare, maybe, I will breathe deeply and proclaim with conviction "My time will come. Maybe not now, but in due time, it will." I believe that hardwork and pure intentions will always be rewarded at the end. You just have to be open that there is an ocean of blessings that await you.

And when you are tempted to sulk into loneliness and despair, I hope we all take time to remind ourselves, that while beauty and riches offer happiness, not all those are bound to last forever anyway. Let our security be not tied to things that are superficial and ephemeral. Beauty will fade and money can be gone (especially when mishandled). While it is good to invest in those things, I hope it will not make us lose sight of what really matters- good health, a sincere, contented and thankful heart, and a mind that's always focused on the good things, no matter what life throws on you. Those are life's priceless treasures. Those are what will really count. When you finally fully internalise what that means, it's then you can proclaim: that "I am enough."

Heart's spiel

You are Heaven’s greatest gift to me

One that I prayed for and waited

Perhaps, which still came as a surprise

And did not expect.

If this love of ours I have to define

And put into words

Find rhythm and rhyme,

I will end up speechless, tongue-tied

Of how this heartbeat of yours

Greatly matches with mine.

Is there such a thing as perfection

And a love that’s so divine?

A love that’s perennial and timeless

Which conquered all fear, doubt, and miles;

This kind of love you got it covered-

From today, tomorrow, hereafter.

And you incredibly knew the way

To make my heart flutter

To make my speeches stuttered

All fears casted and thrown away

For your perfect love

Which came in the perfect time

Has made all my doubts in love wither.

For you have awoken my once sleeping heart

Your love has revived the dreamer in me

Till finally it is for me to see,

That true and perfect love is a reality

With you, this love will be our perfected art,

And To the world we shall make a decree

That no one can ever tear us apart.

Dear God

Dear God,

I know I just celebrated my 26th birthday and I'm supposed to be happy. I have just spent my birthday by going out of the country with good friends. I also had a hearty lunch with my family. But still, it saddens me that there's still that pothole in my heart which I do not know how to fill. These days though, I am overcame by loneliness and anxiety, that I do not want to socialize with a lot of people. I'd rather that I be on my own and sort out things all by myself.

Maybe it's because I trust easily and love too much, that I end up hurting myself in the process. I reached out, but sometimes I am never noticed nor heard. I give chances to people who maybe do not even deserve the chance at all.

At this point, maybe it is best to guard my heart at all costs. I bruise easily, and the wound it inflicts cut deep, so for my own protection I have to love and spare myself from pain. It sounds very pessimistic but that's the only way I can protect myself. I want to always look at the bright side and remember that I am loved, no matter what. At the end of the day, though I may feel that I am neglected and unnoticed and unappreciated by some, I'd like to believe there are still people out there who sees the beauty in me.

Someday Lord, I hope I will understand why people came and went away from my life. I know you took them away for a reason. It hurts to trust and to give chance to people, only to leave you hanging at the end.

Yes, Lord. I gave a chance. I just trusted. But if all else fails, I know it's always for the better. Someday, I will understand.

twists and turns

Recently, a lot of unexpected twists and turns happened in my life. When all of a sudden I was getting used to my life's routine, something happened, and I thought, it was good. It was sad because I thought life has a way of surprising and telling me that the wait may finally be over, and I finally got what I deserve. But my heart knew it wasn't. And dealing with the painful reality and the stings of my conscience was more difficult than the long waiting time I endured.

Maybe God is not the kind of God who rewards us because we are good and kind. Maybe HE does not easily and readily give up what we deserve. I'd like to think that we meet certain people in our life to break our hearts, to test our patience and strength of character, and to make us realize our self-worth. And for many times that I have been stooping low, maybe this time I did it again. I do not want to question God, though. Though I can't understand His plans for me, I would like to believe that life's twists and turns will always lead us to something better and greater. Honestly though, I'm afraid, that because of that fear, I don't even think that I can easily pray. :(

I don't want to feel sorry for myself, also. And I don't want to feel that I'm always a victim. Maybe because I believe in giving people a chance to prove themselves and that they are worth keeping in my life. Maybe because it's hard for me to say NO. Or maybe because, at the end of the day, I'm afraid of being alone, really, even if on the outside, they see me as an independent woman.

I hope what happened will not make an embittered person out of me, because honestly, I'm afraid of trusting people now. After what happened, I don't know if I can still give a chance to what I have been praying for so long. I'm afraid I don't know if I should try again, or just let things be, or accept that maybe it is not for me. I feel sad, very very sad, and the sadness is profound, but I have to keep it to myself, and just pretend that I'm okay.

I hope life will surprise me with something really good, after this. Something good that will last for a lifetime, not for a short while. :(

forgetting, letting go, believing

I wonder why you’re so difficult to forget. When I wake up early in the morning, I can’t help but mention your name, that even in the most random moment of all, I still think about you. I know that I should stop nurturing this emotion because it will bring me nowhere else. Still I am lingering, and truth be told, at the back of my mind, I may still be waiting.

I am aware that I can’t change you- you can be proud, insolent, and aloof. You can be headstrong if you want to, because you believe you are not entitled to please anyone, that includes me. Even I am your close friend, you can be brutally honest, and sometimes, I feel that I am being pushed away, too. Your independence and self-reliance is admirable, but at times, it makes me feel that, you don’t need me to be in your life. That even with me out of the picture, you will survive and you won’t even bother look for me. And that feeling hurts, more than you’ll ever know.

Time can tell when I can finally move on. Maybe that day will come when I can just look at you with fondness and I will just smile at myself for all the foolishness I did back then. I can get impatient waiting for that day when I’m finally free from being enslaved to this feeling, but I learned to wait and to not cover up my feelings because it will still resurface no matter I try to hide. For countless times, I tried to hide what I felt, and pretended that I am okay and have moved on even if I’m not. At the end, I’m still the sour loser, because I can fool the world and feign a smile, but I know I can never lie to myself.

And so here I am still, trying to mull over things. Maybe waiting, or trying to contemplate, or convince myself that it is high time that I refocus my thinking, my vision, or my feelings. It may not be you, after all. Because if it’s you, then love could have find its way to me. I tried to wait and to ask for signs, but there’s none. And I have to admit too, I got tired of it all.

Someday, I know I’ll be over you. And so I have learned, that even letting go of someone, takes time. Wounds do not heal easily and heartbreaks are not that easy to mend. When that person had a special place in your heart once upon a time, surely it will be hard to let go. But we should, because in doing so, we pave the way for the right person to claim that space in our heart. I want to let go without ill-feelings, grudges, and bitterness, because even if it was an unrequited love, I know, I should not hate him. After all, love could never be forced. And as the saying goes, it is better to love and lost than never love at all. I tried to fight for what I feel. But if it’s not for me, I should be brave to face the reality.

Perhaps, this is just a test to my patience and character. Who knows, I may be one step closer to that person who’s meant for me? And so I will endure, even if I can feel my heart crashing inside. Even if it means saying goodbye to the person I prayed for and dreamt for so long, I know I have to live and to go on, even if he’s not the one for me. The best is yet to come, my heart whispers, and I know, I should believe that love is just somewhere out there, this time, waiting for me.

how to mend a broken heart

*This article was reposted from Yahoo, dated Feb. 12, 2014

Whether you're a guy or girl, mending a broken heart is never easy to do.

Experts say that it can take anywhere from 6 months to 8 years for you to get over the heartache from a breakup.

In fact, many clients of mine talk about their heartaches as if it was just a recent event, even if it happened many years or decades ago.

The hell of dark emotions

Being brokenhearted is like plunging into a hell of deep dark emotions.

You’ll experience cyclical waves of emptiness, disbelief, disillusionment, devastation, grief, guilt, loneliness, depression, bitterness, rage and confusion.

However, with the passage of time, the heavy emotions should slowly subside.

Strategies for emotional healing

In my many years of counseling one brokenhearted person after another, I've learned from them some strategies that speed up the process of emotional healing:

1. First of all, accept that it’s all over! 
Like your own failed relationship, some relationships aren't meant to last. Accept the fact that your ex came into your life just for a reason and for a season. But for a lifetime? Nah!

2. Grieve and don’t resurrect a dead relationship. 
Not only have your plans and dreams as a couple ended, but a big chunk of your inner being has died too. Grieving is the heart-wrenching process of putting closure to another chapter in your life.

3. Kill the hope! 
As long as you keep alive a tiny spark of hope for reconciliation, you are NOT going to move on! As long as you still harbor the fantasy or wish of getting back together, the emotional roller coaster ride is going to continue.

4. Give up plans of revenge, and put your "evil" side to rest. 
If you take revenge, you'll just be giving your ex more reasons to validate the breakup. You'll come out as the bad guy and you'll certainly regret your wicked deeds later on. Furthermore, if you take revenge, this only means one thing: that you still haven't accepted the fact that IT'S ALL OVER!

5. No relationships on the rebound, please. 
If you jump into a relationship right after your breakup, it'll mean one of four things:

• You're doing it as a desperate attempt to make your ex jealous.
• You're doing it as an attempt to escape from your loneliness.
• You're doing it to make your ex think that you’re coping well.
• You're doing it as a premature attempt to move on.

Truth is, you only make matters worse by entering into a rebound relationship. Finish your grieving process first and be a whole and happy person again before embarking on a new relationship.

6. Get emotional support from family and friends.
Your breakup may have made you feel emotionally bankrupt. Since you’re driving on empty, start guzzling down the warmth and care of people who love you. Don't stay isolated. Even if you don't feel like socializing, allow your family and friends to distract you temporarily from your heartache.

7. Distract yourself with activities.
When you're tired from wallowing in sadness, distract yourself by watching TV, listening to upbeat music, learning a new sport or craft, pampering yourself with massages and so on and so forth. Remember: any distraction is better than none.

8. Stop stalking and spying on your ex’s Facebook and Twitter accounts .
Every new detail you learn about your ex is only going to mess up your mind!

9. Develop a spiritual perspective.
Spirituality teaches you the great lesson that you cannot permanently hold on to anything and anyone in this life. For some circumstances in our life, the appropriate thing to do is to simply “let go and let God."

10. Get professional help if you start hurting yourself (by self-cutting or alcohol/drug abuse), become suicidal or feel that your mood is worsening.
You may be suffering from major depression which can prevent you from moving on.

It’s true: time heals (most) wounds

Recovering from a breakup is a deathly slow but natural process.

Have faith in knowing that “time heals all wounds" (or, at least, most wounds).

And when your inner wisdom senses that you've recovered enough to move on, you’ll naturally gain the strength to crawl out of your dark emotional pit and start living life all over again.

Dr. Randy Dellosa, popularly known as the "celebrity shrink," is a life coach, counselor, psychotherapist, clinical psychologist, psychiatrist, physician, osteopath, clinical massage therapist, acupuncturist, qigong teacher and energy healer. To contact Doc Randy, visitrandydellosa.com.

the truth about falling in love

This article was based from the February 11 talk "Samson and Delilah," part of "It's not that Complicated" series, at the Victory Christian fellowship, Makati.

***********

For a long time, a lot of us have been captivated and even blinded with the ideals of “falling in love.” This term; however, actually pertains to “a love that ends badly.” Why is falling in love so complicated then? When we based love on emotions, it will most likely fall apart. Love should be based on will and decision, and those are what make the romantic love to flow. It is not just something that you “fall into.”

Being in love with someone often involves being an uncontrollable tailspin. Love; however, should be a conscious decision one should make. Most of the time, too, people seek love when they are alone or lonely, which leads to trouble. We come near the cliff, even if it poses danger and destruction, thereby complicating the situation. Like the story of Samson and Delilah, most of us can be destroyed with “falling in love” which happens at the wrong place, with the wrong practice of emotions, and with the wrong person. It takes a “Delilah” to empower one with such desire to jump off the cliff when we could have stayed away from the edge. It is not uncommon when some people are pushed by someone to cross that line. And sadly, “I love You,” as beautiful as it sounds, can be used to lure and compromise one’s standard. In the end, this love becomes difficult and even destroys people, which should not be the case, because that is not true love if it brings misery and downfall.

Love would not be complicated when we stick to God’s standards. Many of us want to find the right one, when in fact, we are still the wrong one. Being alone heightens that feeling of yearning to “fall in love” immediately, but by being surrounded by good people, that feeling will be toppled. The cliff might be beckoning us to take a fall, but stronger should be our desire to remain with God. Let us not step out of God’s love story for us just to create our own love story. Don’t harden your heart, for as long as you follow God, it’s not going to be complicated. God has a love story for each of us, one that is not complicated, if you just stay with the love story God has in store, especially for you. J

when the heart speaks

The most disappointing thing that can happen in life is when the person who you thought will never hurt you did otherwise. There are people who you thought are worth pinning your hopes, yet, at the end, they end up breaking your heart just the same. It's frustrating that sometimes, you will end up thinking that no one will really keep to that ideal, and ideals after all, do not exist. I do not want to give up that there are people who are worth waiting for, with innate goodness and the purest of all intentions. Sadly, my heart was broken and crushed this time.

Perhaps that person is not yet there, because if there is, then it should not feel so wrong at the beginning. The least that one can do is to settle, because you would not want to end up regretting it forever. Every girl deserves to be loved, appreciated, and respected, and if a man can't do it now, how much more when you are married to him? It is not selfish to guard one's heart, so that when the right one comes, you have all the love to give. Guarding one's heart does not mean you keep it locked inside the box, it is more of acting prudently and being vigilant enough, just in case users or jerks are hovering around the corner. At the end of the day, what becomes of our life is a consequence of the decisions we made earlier on. It is about making choices where you will be happy and at peace with yourself. And when you know that you can sleep without doubts and regrets, most likely, the choice was right.

It will do no good to sulk and to blame who's who on why things didn't work. I should have known better, actually. I should have learned from my mistakes, but the hurt and pain was even worse than what I have experienced, I would say. But I'm not left empty-handed; in fact, a promise of a better life is beckoning me, even if that means without him. My fear is how to start over again, when you get used to going out with someone, watching movies together, texting in the morning and before you go to bed- all those have to be deleted from my system. I am reprogrammed and reformatted, and I am back to square 1. But I'd rather start anew than be doubtful if I'm doing things right and constantly ask myself if it's worth all the pain. And besides, love is a two-way traffic. Maybe, we are both not ready yet. He has yet to grow up, and I have to work on my self, too. Either way, maybe it won't work. It's saddening, but it's the reality. Hence, the letting go part.

Even if you tried to be brave and face the reality, sometimes it does not go on your favor, too. I'm not a scaredy-cat in dealing with confrontations anymore, though I warm up, usually, and take my time before I face the person. I want to deal with it in a very mature manner; sadly, he didn't want to. I was left hanging, and hurting more. But when left on your own, what are you to do? Lady, no guy who is manly enough will left you hanging like that. I believe that a man faces even his own fears,  no matter how challenging that may be.

Starting all over again is frightening, indeed. In a dog-eat and uncertain world, how could you ever survive being around with predators?  But what is better, to be with someone who you are not sure if you want to spend a lifetime with, or would you rather start from scratch and wait? It's hard, right? Questions will linger such as: "what if I made the wrong choice?," "what if I never find him/her?," "what if I just tried to make it work?."

But no matter what questions you come up in your head, actually it's only your heart who can give the answer. And when you follow your heart and your gut, most likely, you know where you'll be heading, you know what will make you happy, you know you have the hope to live for today, and be excited for tomorrow. It's the heart that knows when you're finally home, back to where you truly belong. And if the heart tells you that the time it's not yet ripe, then it's time to take a retreat. But if the heart whispers that "this is it," then by all means... go for it, no matter what it takes.

invisible invincible

Life is somehow on the rocks recently. I wish I could say it's a breeze, but there's just so much to be stressed about. I'm not complaining really. This time I will be narrating the facts, because they happen for real. Still and all, I try my best to keep it cool.

I started the school year telling myself that everything will be fine. For the first few months, it is. As time progressed, well, things sort of changed. I still love my students, but they do get the hell out of me sometimes. They are little angel-devils. Don't be deceived if they are cute and oh so loving. They are mischievous, but yeah well yeah, you love them still. Talk about unconditional love, maybe I'm good at that.

With great power comes great responsibility, so as much as possible, I avoid committing myself to extra school work, lest I want myself exhausted, drained, and dead (just exaggerating). I don't volunteer myself and I shrug my shoulders off when there's a meeting or gathering. I guess instead of loving where I'm at, I'm starting to be more detached, numb, and sometimes...cynical. This is not good.

There's just so much expectations from work. Morning meetings, Character Formation, Excellent Teaching, Discipline, Diligence, Responsibility, Prudence, Modesty (I am never super modest, believe me!)....and all those other virtues you can ever think of. I am not perfect though, and their expectations sometimes do frustrate me. Oh I can never really attain perfection and I am not inline for beatification. I have flaws, and I love it. As time goes by, I learned to create my own identity, and what people say about me, will never define who I am.

A source of consolation is my friends at work. Yes I do have them. We share the same sentiments and rants. And they keep me going when the going gets tough. I laugh, whine, scream, with them. And if there's a reason why I still go to work, I guess it's because of them.


These days I barely meet my other friends though. Because of what happened recently (Read my previous blogs, hoho), I started to let go of them, slowly. Time can tell when I will see them again. They are all busy, though. And I know time is our greatest opponent. The same goes for my college friends. I'm not gonna let them go, because as for me, they are the most genuine of all. These are the people who love me and accept me for who I am, who are excited for my successes, and will comfort me during my downtrodden moments. If all else fail, they listen but never judge. It's just I seem to be more laid-back compared to them. They all get busy from work. I bother them to give me time, but then again, our time never matches perfectly. We can find time, maybe, but not know. In times like this, I know, I have myself to depend on. And God is also there.

Good to know that I still know to set my priorities straight. I still join connect groups (an activity at the Feast), I am starting to attend Thursdays worship service again and I am back to writing. I miss the adrenaline rush of an ever busy life, but I guess God wants me to chill a bit. I just don't want to stay at home most of the time because I'm the time who wants to make the most out of my life. In fact, as early as now, I scheduled my summer trip already. And I am bringing my family to Bohol this time. Cheerssss! Something to look forward to, indeed.

And I still have this uncertainties as regards to work. Maybe next year is the perfect timing to say Goodbye to the school where I served for three-four years. Sad to say, even if I tried, I know it is not the place where I see myself retiring. As early as now, I have to decide where I am going- Scholastic, Science School, International School, or abroad. The decision is mine to make, and God, I just hope You will help me see where I can be my best self, and simply be happy. :) In my heart, I know, the moment I resign from work, it's gonna be liberating. So why am I restraining myself to be happy? Sometimes though, there are foolish mistakes you make. I have to learn to go out of my comfort zone.

Whatever happens in my life though,  I know it's for the best. I make my own decisions, but with guidance from my friends, family, the people who care, and God, I know I'll finally find my road to happiness. I may not be perfectly contented with what I have, but I am still thankful  for all the blessings that come my way. And at the end of the day, I will say, "thy will be done." In due time, all will be well. And I am willing to take even the steepest step, if that road will lead me to where my heart will be at home.

so what if "di ka crush ng crush mo?"

Friendzoned. Broken Hearted. Devastated. Taken for granted. A fool out of love.

Sino ba kasing nagsabing madaling main-love?
Siguro sa taong gusto ka din at mutual ang feelings niyo, piece of cake! Go!

Pero what if di ka talaga crush ng crush mo?
Bakit nga kaya?

Sabi ni Mr. Ramon Bautista, ang mga dahilan kung bakit hindi nanliligaw ang mga lalake ay:

1. Nahihiya ako bumili ng flower.
2. Globe ka, smart ako.
3. Ayaw sa akin ng friends mo.
4. Ayaw ko sa friends mo.
5. Ang layo ng bahay mo.
6. Andami kog  karibal na pogi.
7. Hindi ako makapagsalita pag andyan ka.
8. Baka magkanda leche-leche lang ang friendship natin.
9. Irereject mo lang ako.
10. Hindi naman kita ganoon ka gusto talaga. :(

Painful di ba? Traumatic? (Talaga?) But remember, sabi din ni Mr. RB, this is a haiku of a broken heart:

E ano ngayon

kung ayaw mo na sakin?

Hu hu hu... hu hu

Pag sinabihan kang di pa ready, ayaw sa inyo niyan. Imaginin niyo ha, pag si Aga Mulhach ang nanligaw, ready o hindi ready, re-ready yan kasi gusto niya e. 

Hindi ako naniniwala sa fate, destiny, at soulmates. Ang mundo ay binubuo ng mga pangyayaring random na kaganapan. Bahala ka sa buhay mo.

At sabi naman ng friend ko na si Kat. M:

"You dont let the person you like slip away. You effin fight hell to be with him/her."

"If you meet the girl/man of your dreams,  "WAIT! DI PA KO READY, MAGLALANDI MUNA AKO FOR LIKE THREE MORE YEARS, WAIT KA LANG DYAN AH!"? No! You make sure that no one else will have a chance to steal them from you...  you make sure na ikaw ung pipiliin nia. There are millions of people on Earth and finding that one person you want to spend the rest of your life with is like finding a needle in a haystack. And when you do, will you let it go?"

Think about it. And there's a lot of guys out there who will be willing to love you NOW.

And will you still waste your effort and emotions on a person you know you'll be a sure and sour loser?
We all accept the love we think we deserve.
Let's reverse the situation, let's think we deserve someone way better. :)



Pero, Paano nga ba ang gagawin para maka get-over kapag unrequited love ang peg ng buhay mo? What's the best technique para makamove-on ang wasak na wasak na puso?

1. Kung hindi mutual ang feelings natin. Pwes, gagawin kong mutual. Ayaw ko na rin sa'yo.
2. If you can't move on, move on some more.
3. Huwag ipagpilitin ang sarili sa kanya, lalo na kung obvious namang "one way" ang pagiibigan.
4. Wala ng dapat alamin pa. Forward ang direksyon ng buhay.
5. There's more to life than that person. End of story, Period.
6. Rebound: pwedeng new pet, new special someone, or anything that will make you happy.
7. Revenge: Just be happy. Live an awesome life. 

And no matter how difficult it is, worry not, everything will be okay. As they say,  "if it's not okay, it's not yet the end."

And when one door closes, another window opens. 
There's more to life than love.

“TANDAAN: your mind is your weapon. Pagyamanin natin ito at magiging handa tayo sa gulo na dulot ng paghihimagsik ng puso at bird.” 

We can do it. We just have to think, we can.

And at the end,

Hindi ako crush ng crush ko. 
Eh ano ngayon?

Natuto ka naman, di ba? And now, you are even stronger than before. :)

23 @ January 2013

My birthday is fast approaching, and even with life's uncertainties and unpredictabilities, I still feel excited but a little sentimental. I am excited because it's simply a day to be joyful, thankful, and to celebrate. Much has been given to me, really for 23 long years. Yes, I'm turning 23 this January 24! A year older, and hopefully better and wiser! The past experiences mold me to become the person I am right now, and I have no regrets nor bitterness, just lessons learned. I have no doubts and questions at all, really. In terms of my career, education, family, friendships, finances and spiritual growth, I know I am abundantly blessed. As what I am always saying, I am this point in time where I am happy with what God has given me, and whatever it is that is not yet here, I am still waiting for it with high hopes and patience, knowing that it will be granted soon. I keep the faith and fire burning in my heart.

Somehow, I also feel a tinge of sentimentality, maybe because I am a year older, and yes.... more expectations from others which can really make or break you. Starting last year though, I have learned not to make these pressure get into my mind. I hear them utter those words, it enters my left ear and comes out to the right. We just have to accept that we cannot please everyone, for crying out loud. The moment you allow them to make you feel that you are incomplete, incompetent, and lacking, then that will be tantamount to a life of doubts and discontentment. And as I turn 23 years old, I'd like to shoo away that kind of thinking. We are what we think, so if I chose to live simply, happily, and with contentment, that is my call.

After these bouts of introspection, I seriously want to thank all those people who have been with me along the way: God, my family, my classmates, friends, church mates, students, colleagues, online buddies, text buddies, and even all my blog readers here in Blogger world. Life is a vast ocean we have to sail, but I was able to weather all the storms in my sea of life because I know there are people who loves, depends, cares, and looks up to me. I want to make these people happy in the same way that they give me the energy to radiate joy. My love tank is full and I want to share that love to others too. So before I turn another year older, thank you, whoever you are. I look forward to more years and birthdays and I hope that you will be with me as I journey on.

Gratitude. A happy and contented heart. Peace of mind. Love. Wisdom. Charity. Those are just the things I am asking for on my birthday. I'm at this point in life where I sort of let go of ambitious and grand dreams. As always, I am always a simple girl who can be easily made happy by someone through their littlest and sincerest efforts. I am not after the material things anymore, because I know those won't last. God knows the desires of my heart, and I still do look forward to what He has in store for my birthday. I am waiting, waiting, and waiting! I seem to never get tired of it, honestly! Hehehehehe :D

And anything that is beautiful in His time is worth the sacrifices and the wait. My arms are wide open and I just want to do all that I can to be an inspiration to others. Life is not just always about me. I want to sail, or fly, and spread myself all the more. I can do anything, because I have the passion to achieve my dreams. I am opening myself to the out pour of blessings. I am full of zest and excitement. I really am.

Happy birthday to me. And yes, may the Lord give me the desires of my heart. 

1/24/2013 is the day!

heartspeaks

After all that's said and done, things aren't still clear between him and me. I am really at a hazy and crazy stage right now. Though I am thinking about it lesser as compared to the first weeks of the so called "break-up stage." Apparently, he said he did not break up with me; thus leaving me bewildered and perplexed as to what he really wants to happen. He said we will talk, and in my heart, I want to, honestly. I'd love to see him, though I know it might lead to another heartbreaking encounter

Right now, I am becoming more open to the possibilities of letting him finally go, because as of the moment , it might be the best for the two of us. Since he told me that he cannot really give me his time, then might as well I don't harass him anymore and leave him all by himself. That way, maybe we can rethink and make our lives easier. As for him, he can focus more on his work, and as for me, I will no longer expect and get hurt. Sometimes it is really better to move on and to separate ways. That does not mean though that I love him less. I love him too much that I can give him his freedom if he wants to. Maybe by then, if he really loves me, he can take time to contemplate on how to make things better. The time apart may allow us to grow mature, and should we decide to try it again, it may intensify the love we have. Or it may lead us to finding our one true love, somewhere out there :).

I wish I can really talk to him. My heart is in a hurly-burly and whirlwind state. At one point, I feel calm and serene that I know I can handle the situation with ease. Then at some points, I will feel annoyance, disgust, and loathing. It's not easy to be in such a state, that I wish I can just evaporate. I know this bouts of unbalanced emotions will soon pass, the moment we talk, perhaps. I just hope and pray fervently that we will be both enlightened when we meet again. I am praying that he will say no honey-sweet words, but just the truth. If he cannot commit his time and effort, then  I need it to hear from him, so I will no longer expect and get hurt.

I realized then that love works when two people are committed to make it last. It's a two way traffic, that needs the cooperation of the parties involved. It's just that you have so much to give and apparently, he is not at par with what I have right now. I can do so much for him, even if that means forgiving and letting go of the past. What's hard though is that I still have trust issues, and every time I do not hear from him, I am paranoid of his whereabouts and he might disappear again. He can be really enigmatic and complicated, and no matter how hard I try, I cannot understand him a hundred percent. I won't proclaim though that I am perfect. I am full of flaws as a girlfriend. I can be childish, irksome, suspicious, inquisitive, illogical, irrational and inexpressive  I still have a lot to learn, but that does not mean I rest my laurels on being the imperfect one that I am. As it is, life is a work in progress, and the more I commit mistakes, the more I learn on how to make things right. To be totally mature will take time, and now is not yet the moment for that. I am learning and constantly trying to work on my frailties, that's what I can commit. I am aware of my weaknesses, and I have the willingness to make them as strengths, slowly but surely.

God knows when will be the perfect time for us to talk. But my heart hopes that it will be soon. I am hanging by the thread still. I want to tell him how I felt, feel, and am still feeling right now. Maybe he'll listen intently and realize. Whatever it is that he will realize then, is already up to him. What I just want to is vent out all my grievances, pain, hurt, agonies, and concerns. The next step, I'll leave up to him. But if it's just my choice, I am open to letting it all go.

a brave heart :)

Days fly so swiftly, passing like a thief in the night. It has been almost a month since I decided to take the fall and embrace the risk, and I would say, I do not regret doing it at all. I love him, and that's all that matters.

I entered in this relationship without no guarantee as to where it will lead me, but all I know is, my heart is full of hopes that this too shall soon work out. With prayers as my ultimate and everyday shield, I most certainly believe that we can make it through. It's all a matter of trust, understanding, and sometimes, compromise.

Even with the uncertainties and doubts hovering around, I am sure that I don't want to give up on him, on us. Sometimes though, the paranoia lingers and I cannot help but stop and be suspicious and worrisome. At the end of the day, I know my childish attitude starts to kick in and when I do not get what I want, I get overly impatient, to the point that I almost breakdown. Thankfully, everyday is a learning experience for me. Slowly and surely, I am learning to manage my emotions, though from time to time, I still feel frustrated because it is honestly, still not easy. But I face each day with a brave soul and an eager heart, and I know I will soon soar high with flying colors, I just have to learn the hard way.

Time can tell and soon I know we'll both find a way. Communication is the constant key to make this all work. I won't lose hope. It's too early to give up. Whatever happens, I'll just hold on but be open to all possibilities at the same time. As always, I'll do what's best and what's right. And since I already started to take that big risk, I will always make sure that I'll give it my best shot. Whatever happens, I do not want to live a life with regrets anymore. So I will try my very best to tell how much I love him, even if I know, I have this weakness at directly expressing things.

So even fear and paranoia finds their way sometimes, I won't let it devour me. I am the master of my emotions. I will be strong, resolute, and prudent. I know what I want and I won't hold back nor let go. I will fight for this no matter what. And time can tell, someday, if we are truly meant for each other. But as for now, I will seize each day, cherish each moment, and live each day as if it were my last. And I won't let each day pass without telling him, that he means the world to me. :)

love thoughts

I am happy and contented. Life has been a breeze lately. Though there are still things which are lower than my expectations (and my fantasies do not come alive), so far, things are getting better. As I said, we are both trying to work it out. And because he's not aware that this relationship is still not open to the public (hence, kept as a secret), this blog will be my constant confidant. Until such time that I believe I can broadcast it to everyone, I will still keep mum about it.

I am not ashamed of Cris. He's a good guy and I know he's worthy of the love I am giving him. It's just that, when I come out of the open, I just want to be ready and really sure of things. For sure people will ask and interrogate me, especially that it has really been a long time since I was single (in fact since birth). But I really wanted to be sure before everyone knows. In fact, my mom is not aware of it, yet.

Yet, I am indeed happy about the turn-about of things. As for the effort, I can see how he's trying to reach out more (maybe he has learned his lesson). Apparently, he is not your usual or conservative type of guy. I don't think he believes in courtship either. And here I am, a girl who's blinded by the ideal romance stories I've seen on TV, movies, or read in books. But he's just not like that, I know he likes me, and as I see, the moment I gave him that Yes, he's more persistent in proving that he's indeed the right one. It's like a "love me now, and I'll court you forever drama."  And what I really like about the things he just said is that he's willing to wait until such time I'm  ready to love him wholeheartedly. The mutual affection is there. We both like each other. I guess it's him who's more certain that this is love. And he's in no rush to make me feel the same, because he knows or believes, eventually, we will be on the same page.

I can certainly feel that this time, he won't fail me. In fact, it's no longer nerve wracking and the paranoia gets lesser and lesser everyday. I'm happy and contented. I have no regrets that I decided to take a risk, and I hope and pray, that it will always remain this way. I'm willing to do what's right and what's best to make this relationship work. With prayers and faith in God, Cris and I can both make it happen. It may not be the perfect and ideal relationship, but as long as we are both happy and contented, that's all that matters.

_CC

for the effort

Sometimes when you least expect things, that's when good things keep coming your way. And honestly, that's when all of a sudden, the doubts simply fade away. Oh well.

I didn't really expect that he'll do that. Knowing his "now you see me, now you don't" attitude, I know that he can just disappear witthout warning and do this out of his whims. Apparently, people do change, too. My mistake is that I sort of judged him. Then, I was then proven wrong.

I was about to slap myself and laugh hard, but deep inside, I knew I appreciated the effort 100%. After all, it's true that if you really want something/someone, you will by all means exhaust all possible efforts to have it done.

And I am not ungrateful or unappreciative, my heart melts too. I am seem unexpressive, but this time, I'll give it to him, as he deserves it for the good that he did. He had a 100 points from me for that. And this time, I'm quite confident, he won't do the same disappearing act to me, ever again. When he comes back, I will have to tell him how I most certainly appreciate what he did. :) He deserves it, this time. And with all that, who am I not to trust and give him that chance?

It's the littlest and sincerest actions that matters most (and I can feel it this time).

_CC_

a hopeful heart :D

Sometimes I can get really paranoid, suspicious, and doubtful. But I am learning everyday as I am confronted with a lot of trials. Again, each day is a learning experience, and I will use each day to get something meaningful so I will eventually grow and mature.

Yes, more often, he does not meet my least expectations, or the very basic things I expect from him. But actually, that does not make me love him less. In fact, because sometimes I do not expect anymore because he can get really disappointing, I am left surprised by some of his actions. Oh well, I am generally easy to please, actually. I hold on to my faith that he has his own ways, and it's just a matter of time. :D

I promised myself that I will do what's best and right for us. I may not be that perfect girl, but I'll make sure I am the right one for him. I may be immature and illogical at times, but that does not mean I care less. In fact, I overwhelmingly care, to the point that I can get paranoid as to his whereabouts, now that I'm getting to know him more. Time is my greatest opponent, and I hate that feeling that we are competing with one another. But I am optimistic that when he finds the time, he'll give it to me too. I just have to have faith and simply trust, while staying open to the possibilities.

And of course, I will never give up. Whenever frustrations kick in, I'll take a deep breathe, calm down, and PRAY. I am lifting up all my worries to HIM. I know that all these happens for a purpose. And when you love someone, you hold on, and never let go. You believe, and never allow doubt to get in the way (even if it's persistent). And because you love, you give your best and do everything to understand.

Yes I know I can do so much for him. Again and again, I pray, he'll have his own ways of doing the same too. I believe in him and I trust in God, things will eventually turn well. I know, in my heart I am sure, it will.

-CC

heartbroken

I was fooled by you
I believed
still believed
till I cried
desperately

The road is foggy
The sky gets darker
eversince the day
when you're nowhere to be found


I waited
I stared
Did i just see something?
Nothing...
It was just all false hopes

I was fooled by you
I believed
still believed
and I'm still crying
desperately

(my own composition, super duper late post... )

untitled post

It's easy to say that I'm over you
easy to say that I hate you
That I'll never talk to you once and for all
Just hearing your name
Is like a curse

But then again, living it up is not as easy as it is
Yes, I must admit
It is always "easier said than done"
Now that once again...
it seems that I'll fall in your arms

As still as the waters can be
allow me to see
let me just wait
For whatever happens, happens.
Let destiny take its course
If we are certainly meant to be

Then If fate finally decides
You'll hear no remonstrations from me
Just acceptance
For now, let's just wait
for things to unfold
in their own time.

your eyes, your love

Your eyes,
as marvelous as it can be
is the mirror of your soul.
It's beauty speaks for yourself
The key to the many mysteries
hidden within.

Your eyes,
is the door to your heart
Looking at it
I can see
I can feel
To whom thine heart beats and longs for

"Thump thump thump"
says the heart .
My own heart breaks
as I listen
to your heart's beat
For you love somebody
and that is not me.

And yes,
I can only  look at your eyes
Marvel and awe at its beauty all day
To admire it, is all I can do.

For to wish that It will just stare
and look at no one
but only me
Is as impossible
as the chance
of having you
and your love.