new directions

After all that I've been through lately (the hurly-burly and ups and downs of emotions), I finally mulled-over that I cannot be the cry baby that I was and still am. It's freaking hard to change overnight, but I have that irking feeling that I want to transform myself. It is really difficult to let go of the things you are used to, just as it is difficult to let go and forget that person you loved so dearly. But then again, at the end of the day, I may end whining and tearing and sulking, but my happiness is still up to me.

Complaining will bring me nowhere, just as worrying is like a rocking chair that keeps moving but stays at the same place. If I cannot change the way things are, then might as well I change my mindset about them. The pressure of finding my one true love bugs me. I tried to grab the opportunity when there was one, but ended up in vain. Believe it or not though, I am not regretful nor bitter. Why do I have to keep crying about something which is over? Even if he did not really give me the closure I deserve, it is a challenge for me to move forward on my own. Indeed, you will always have yourself to depend on, and to rely on others will fail us, more often than not.

I am not afraid to fall inlove again. If it will happen (which I know will happen, sooon :) ), then it will and I will gladly accept it with arms wide open under the sunlight. I have no fears, doubts, and hesitations. I am not rushing things. It's just that, this time, I know that my love tank is overflowing with love that I would share it without hesitations to that someone. As Toni G. puts it, "one day, that man will come into your life and will make you forget that your heart was ever broken." So I am not setting my dream of finding my one true love aside. It is too early to give up. Much has happened but that does not entail letting go of such a noble and wondrous dream. Besides, things do not happen only twice, but mistakes are repeated unless they are learned. If I failed again and again, then I will dust off my knee and stand again and again. What's wrong with that huh? Nothing. I am sometimes weak, frail, losing judgment, but that does not make me less of a person. i am human after all. I do not brag that I am invincible. This warrior will always be a child longing for her dear parent's love and affection. But despite all the struggles, I have proven that I become strong when I am at my weakest point.

So what's there to be afraid of, honestly? Nothing. Worrying still about tomorrrow? Maybe, yes, but that will not ultimately cloud my vision. A bright future is ahead of me, and it's glaring my eyes because I feel there's so much, I just have to seize every opportunity that comes my way. And for all the hurdles, the pain, tears, and heartbreaking moments I have been through lately, I have nothing but gratitude because the Lord entrusted me with all those. He believes in my resilience and in my ability to breakthrough. Thus, is there still a need to fear. Definitely, No. No matter how hard it may sound, I'll do everything in my power not to fret about the future. Let tomorrow take care of itself. What matters is the present, that you have the willingness to do everything that you can today so that you will have no regrets in the future.

God is always good to me, today, tomorrow, and until the end of time. If there is something that I will hold on to tightly, that is my faith in HIM. It will remain unceasing and unwavering, and I know by keeping the faith aflame, that day will come when God will answer all my prayers, and He will grant my heart's desires, even better than what I have asked for.

And I believe that whatever it is that you asked for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours. I claim it in Jesus' mighty name. Amen :))

frustrations

It's September 8 tomorrow- a special day, that is. It's Mama Mary's birthday and most importantly, it's our first monthsary. Yes, it has been a month. But instead of being overly excited about it, I feel frustrated, honestly.

Apparently, my boyfriend has no plan. I don't even think he remembers. I don't really know if he's playing insensitive or he does not really know that tomorrow is our first monthsary. It's really annoying, vexing, irritating, disappointing and frustrating. How can he ever forget? Or better yet, maybe it's because this is something he never intends to treasure at all. Now, I felt like I jumped into a cliff and the person who prodded me to jump has no intention of catching me. Most of the time, I feel left out. He says he loves me but the sincerity of his words, that I have yet to see. Due to this, I am having doubts as to where this will all go. How can he act like that? Or maybe I am too paranoid.

Tomorrow I have to find out and see for myself whether this is just a play pretend or he does not have a tinge of care. He's old and he knows what's right or wrong, so I think there's no way I still have to make him realize his faults that he may eventually know what to do and improve on. As always, a relationship is like communication, which is two way. It is supposed to be give and take. I am trying my best to be as open as possible- telling him how I honestly feel, whether I am mad, satisfied, frustrated, doubtful, disappointed, or happy. But if after all this, it still won't work, then I have to accept that maybe, he's not meant for me. After all, we do not find love in just one shot. Maybe through Cris, I have to learn how to stumble and fall so that when I find the right man I will be more mature and better at handling my emotions.

So I would honestly say, I am not happy, nor am I satisfied. And to make the pain go away, I guess I have to divert my attention into things which are worthwhile. I have to pamper myself, go watch a movie, work out, bond with family and friends. If he does not intend to make me the center of my universe, then there's no way that he should be the end-all of my world. Again, my world won't stop just because he's not around. I love him and he means so much to me, but I have my limits too. I can just give so much, but no matter how much you love a person, there will always be a breaking point. And when I get too tired of all this, that's when I might break down, and cut if off.

to mr. CC

Dearest Cris,

I don't know how long we'll be like this. Sometimes because you are hard to reach and you are bombarded with lots of work, it's seemingly (or really) hard to find you. I can feel; however, that you are trying. Maybe there are reasons beyond your control which hinders you to at least communicate with me. Nonetheless, my heart says, despite all the clouds of doubts and worries, that I have to hold on, as this scenario won't really last long. As it is, this is the dry spell of our relationship. I guess, soon the sun will dawn on the two of us and I shall see you again.

So when you are far away from me, I am always praying that God will shield you with His loving arms so that you will be kept safe all the time.  I can feel that it's difficult with you being far, but maybe, they are right in saying that absence makes the heart grow fonder than ever. It takes patience and fortitude though, to endure all these. Apparently, the selfish girl within me is trying to kick in, only that she wants to have you, near her, the very least. But that motive is ultimately self-centered, and a relationship, I so believe, is not merely about oneself, but in giving and taking, and understanding one another.

This time, I'd like to trust that my intuition is finally right. This time, I'd like to believe that you'll never disappear on me for reasons unknown. This time, I hold on to my belief that you are no longer enigmatic. This time, I am firm, that you will never ever fail me again. I trust you, and everyday, I am praying that you will never prove me wrong. I keep the faith, so I hope that you'll do something too. I know you will, I have high hopes. :)

I miss you. And I can't wait for that day when you'll be back. So in the meantime, I'll keep praying that you are fine. I know I'll see you again. Soon. :)

I love you.

proudly melancholic

Proud to be Melancholic

                I am a cry-baby.  I cry for the simplest, nonsensical, and most trivial reasons. When I watch a dramatic and heart-breaking movie, the tear jerker in me suddenly whoops in. When I read a sad novel, my tears well-up as if it’s a stream. I am an emotional creature. And that makes me exactly me, uniquely made that is.

                I think deeply. I am overly reflective. I dwell on the issues I hear around and see on the TV. I feel extremely aghast and overly concerned when people’s rights are trampled upon. I can easily sympathize and deal with other people’s sufferings and feelings. I am an understanding creature. And sometimes, that’s what makes others use me, to their advantage, sadly.

                Nonetheless, I am aware that my being a melancholic is not really bad after all. I may be deep and reflective, but my ability to listen and be sensitive enables me to be a good listener and to be  a person who can easily relate to anybody.  It’s not that you are an approval addict, it’s just that you know how to care and to simply sympathize, no matter who the person you are with. And I believe, not everyone can do that with ease. I guess, starting today, that is something that I should take pride of.

                Because I reflect and I am a self-confessed deep creature, I am having innumerable realizations and reflections about life from time to time. And because I am better off at expressing thoughts through writing than in communicating them, the pen is my sword and my constant companion. In fact, I can survive even with a book, paper/ notebook, and pen when I am left with nothing to do. Writing is my way of living and breathing, and if that be taken away from me, I wonder how I could ever exist.

                Countless times have proven that I write better and more deeply when I am facing my usual bouts of loneliness. But admittedly, I have to topple that feeling as I cannot wallow on sadness for a lifetime. The good things is, being melancholic enables me to be productive, that my seeming stillness and calmness allows me to express my feelings deep within.  I guess if I am by nature a loud-mouthed mammal, I will not be as good as expressing my feelings through writing. So I would stop dreading my silence, but rather embrace it, and look at it as a personality worthy to be celebrated.

                What I need to work on right now is on how to turn my weakness into strengths. But the fact that I am aware that my being melancholic can lead to oversentimentality and to be overly abused by others is already a good sign that I am aware of the good and bad in me. It is just a matter of time and willingness and for sure, with God’s help, I will be transformed, and eventually there will be a better and improved me.  But no matter what happens, I love who I am. And I am not ashamed that I am born this way. I just have to accept that I am created this way with a purpose. And that purpose I still have to discover each day.

                Now if I feel sad and affected by what I see, hear, and read next time, I will not be ashamed to show how I feel, because that’s me, and nothing can ever change that. I will constantly be a friend who is willing to lend a hand, but is always aware of her limitations. I will inspire others through writing, so that others may also be blessed. I will write how I feel and how I conquer my demons and negative feelings, so that others may learn from my experience. I will listen and be sensitive to others and to God’s message, that I may be able to give meaningful pieces of advice as well.

                From then on, I will live life purposefully because I know who I am and I know what I want to do and to be. I am no longer afraid and I am no longer ashamed. I am proud to be melancholic, because this is how God made me. And I know, I am fearfully an wonderfully made by my creator, and He can never be wrong. 

untitled post

It's easy to say that I'm over you
easy to say that I hate you
That I'll never talk to you once and for all
Just hearing your name
Is like a curse

But then again, living it up is not as easy as it is
Yes, I must admit
It is always "easier said than done"
Now that once again...
it seems that I'll fall in your arms

As still as the waters can be
allow me to see
let me just wait
For whatever happens, happens.
Let destiny take its course
If we are certainly meant to be

Then If fate finally decides
You'll hear no remonstrations from me
Just acceptance
For now, let's just wait
for things to unfold
in their own time.