puso, ano ang kwento mo?

Gaano ba kasakit ang di mahalin ng taong mahal mo?

Masakit. Sobrang sakit. Parang biniyak ang puso at kaluluwa mo. O maaring higit pa.

Lahat naman kasi ng tao, umaasa at nananalig sa isang “happy ending.” Na baling araw ma-meet natin si ”the one.”

Sabi nga din nila, kung gaano kasarap o kasaya umibig, ganoon din naman ang sakit na dulot nito.

Minsan sa sobrang sakit, tinatanong mo na kung “Bakit ganito? Bakit kailangan ako masaktan? Bakit di niya ako mahal? Ano ang mali? Bakit di niya ko kayang mahalin?”

Siguro naman, sa isang banda sa ating buhay, naramdaman na natin ang tinatawag na unrequited love.

Sa mga way over na sa stage na ito, congratulations. Wow! Isa kayong patunay na “the right one will come along if we wait, believe, and pray for it.”

Sa mga on the way pa lang, there is more to come. (Ito ay isang warning o pwede ding reminder, bahala na kayo maginterpret J )

Sa mga nagmomove-forward: push niyo lang yan. Go. Kaya pa natin to. Sabi nga ni RB, if you can’t move on, move on some more! As in more!

Dahil naniniwala naman siguro tayong lahat, na hindi un-fair ang buhay, di ba? Kaya nga bilog ang mundo, paikot-ikot. Kahit pa feeling mo nakikita mo sila lahat, in a relationship na. At tayo, hindi pa. Madami dami na din ang kinakasal na, pero may mga waiting pa din kung dadating pa ba siya- si future groom or bride. Sa kaibuturan ng ating puso nandoon ang paniniwala, na darating siya, at hindi ba yun ang pinakamahalaga? Dahil sa huli, ang pag-ibig ay darating sa kung sino man ang naniniwala dito.  At kahit gaano kahirap mag-intay, kahit minsan sawa ka na sa kakadasal dahil pakiramdam mo di ka pinakikinggan, pero mahigpit ang kapit natin. At ito ay tinatawag nating faith o pananampalataya, at ito ang nagpapatibay sa atin- nagbibigay lakas na maniwala tayo, kahit pakiramdam natin, wala ng bukas, wala ng pag-asa.

Maaring nakalugmok ka ngayon after mo mabasted, friend-zoned, seen-zoned o kung ano pa mang ang katumbas ay unrequited love. Or maaring nagheheal pa ang iyong broken heart pakatapos ng isang pag-ibig na hindi rin pala kayo sa huli. Pero kahit gaano man kasakit, alam natin, ano mang hakbang ang gawin natin ang siyang magdidikta ng kapalaran sa hinaharap, kaya kailangan magdesisyon tayo ng wasto at nararapat, dahil kung mag-self destruct tayo sa kasalukuyan, ang future din natin ang magiging kaawa-awa. At hindi naman siguro tayo papayag dun di ba? Gusto pa din natin ng happy ending. At dahil tayo ay optimists, pipiliin natin ang tamang daan, ika nga. Kahit matagal, kahit mahirap, at madaming pasikot-sikot. Kasi may tiwala tayo e, na karapat-dapat tayong mahalin, na may nakikinig sa prayers natin, na ang halaga natin ay hindi naididikta ng kung gaano tayo sinaktan, pinabayaan, binalewala ng taong minsang pinag-ikutan ng mundo natin. Ang halaga natin ay higit pa sa mga kamalian o kakulangan, dahil lahat naman ito matatama at mapupunan, basta bukal sa loob natin na magbago or punan ang mga pagkukulang.

At kahit gaano man kahirap mag-intay na dumating ang tamang tao sa buhay natin, alam ko, hindi ako nagiisa sa mga nananalig at naniniwala, darating siya. Na hindi natin sisirain ang buhay natin para lang sa isang taong di tayo kayang mahalin, bigyan ng halaga, o nang-iwan at nanakit, dahil gusto natin na maibigay natin ng buong- buo ang ating sarili sa taong nararapat sa atin, balang-araw. At ang lahat ng sakit na to, ng hirap, ng mga matang namumugto sa kakaiyak, ng pusong tinagpi-tagpi muna habang naghihilom pa- lahat ng ayan ay mawawala, hindi man ganon kadali, kahit paunti-unti, pag dumating ang tamang tao, sa tamang oras, tamang panahon, at tamang pagkakataon.

At dahil gusto natin na magmahal ng buong-buo muli sa pagdating ni “the one,” babangon tayo, magpapakabuti sa kung ano man ang pinagkakaabalahan natin, at sisikapin natin maging nararapat sa kung sino man ang nakalaan sa  atin. Ang tunay na pagibig ay handang mag-intay- kahit madaming balakid, hindi ito papadaig sa mga hamon. Dahil sa lahat, ang tunay na pag-ibig ay nakahihigit.

Kaya kahit ano man ang kwento ng puso mo, di ka nag-iisa. Kapit lang, my friend. Iiyak mo na yan, mauubos din ang luha. Magtanong ka lang, kung bakit. Balang araw malalaman mo din kung bakit hindi. I-let go mo lang kahit mahirap. Balang araw, oo balang araw, may tamang tao para sa iyo. Kung ano mang hirap at sakit ang pinagdaanan natin, maaring ipagpasalamat natin iyon. Dahil ang lahat ng hirap, sakit, pagod, luha na dinanas natin, ay siyang daan para makilala natin ang “the one.” Kapag nandiyan na siya, masasabi natin na sulit ang pag-iintay. Kaya sa ngayon, kahit ang status ay single and available, wait ka lang. Mapupush din ang kwento ng puso mo. In time. J

• Para sa lahat ng naniniwala na darating ang one true love, ang tamang tao para sa tin, cheers! The waiting will be worth it. Let’s believe and have faith. J

love matters

How do you teach your heart to love?
Better yet, how do you teach your heart to forget, to refocus your vision, and to eventually let go?

When I look at you, I know I have found everything in you.
But when every time you tell me that I can eventually teach my heart to love, that eventually I will find him after a series of heartbreaks, and I almost feel that you are pushing me away discretely, my heart breaks and I know I have died inside.

People have told me to learn how to widen my vision.
I may be looking at you for so long, for years, and the long wait, might not even be worth it.
However, it is always easier said than done.
I have honestly tried. But it always goes back to him, and him...again and again.

Right now, I just wanted to give myself a break.
A time to reflect and think about things.
And maybe in thinking over, I can learn to let go.
I can start accepting that we are not meant to be.
Maybe not now. Maybe in time.

I want to fall in love again, to someone who can love me more than I can imagine.
But of course, I don't want it to be forced,
I'd like to love that person, too.
Right now, I can't hear my heartbeat yet.
It's still beating for him....and him....and him.
Wishing he will see me, the way I see him.

For the time being, he really can't.
And I almost dragged my soul to a figurative death.
I have to learn to accept things though.
After such, maybe the right one will come.
And I will no longer chase pavements
and wait in vain for that someone.

am i ready to forgive?

Am I really ready to forgive?

I am giving it a big "YES." But I am often left to wonder, will forgiving the person means I will feel the hurt less? Will it totally mean I decided to let it all go. And whenever I remembered him,will there be no tinge of bitterness or regret at all?

Why is it that even if I decided to grant him the forgiveness, which I said he deserved, I can still feel the pain whenever I remembered how he made me feel taken for granted or unwanted? Does that mean I'm not over him yet?

If you chose to forgive, does that mean totally putting yesterday behind, moving on anew, starting life afresh, and literally disregarding all the pang inflicted by the person whom you grant forgiveness?

I decided to forgive him  because it is for the best of our interests. It's not just for him, but also for me. Holding grudges toward that person will just make me embittered, so what good will that do to my life? Thus, I decided not to waste time on harboring bitterness and ill-feelings toward him, even if from time to time, I can still feel the pain.

Granting forgiveness may take time, but we have to give ourselves the peace we deserve, too. If we hold on to something which is useless already, we are blocking or keeping away the good things life has to offer. I realized then that even if you take the initiative to forgive, it does not mean the excruciating pain brought about by the past will vanish in an instant. Healing will take place, but it also takes time. There's no need to rush though, for doing so will hinder you from learning the lessons necessary while you are currently on the process of healing and letting it all go. If you force yourself to let it go, then it is not forgiving, but simply forgetting. Forgiving allows you to see things in a good perspective, while forgetting loses the lesson. We have to go through everything: the pain, the hurt, and the agony, if that is the only way to learn.

Forgiveness is also sign of maturity and strength of character. Not everyone can do it with ease. When you decided to do so, it suggests you have the ability to be self-less, that no matter how the person made you feel, you can still look at him in a humane way. Imagine how difficult it is to go through that process of forgiving the person who wronged you. Terrible and nightmarish that is. But the fact that you endured no matter how throbbing it can be means that you have fortitude. And for that, whatever storms may come in your life you can face with courage and might because you are also able to topple the forces of hatred and anger within you, the moment you chose to forgive.

YES. I have forgiven the person who wronged me. I do not hate him for what he did to me. At times the hurt  is still there whenever I remembered how I was "neglected." There would be moments when I feel annoyed when I look back at how insensitive he can be, acting as if nothing happened, and saying sorry for all the pain even if he never really talked to me in person about it, even if he said he will, for a couple of times. My heart still bleeds, honestly. But no matter what happened, a part of me says I have to be strong, and do not let this trial bring me down. This is just a test to my character, and after this, I am wiser. :)

To forgive is to love the person all the more. And maybe I forgave him for everything he has done because I once loved him, too. That I would not deny. No matter how terrifying it may be, I chose to do it out of love and respect for him. And even if in forgiving we can never expect to be fully reconciled with the person, nor to transform or change him, at least we did our part. How the person will react to that is his/her choice. As it is, you did your best in granting forgiveness, and the next step is to move on, with a happy heart. 

Life is never easy. But we have the power in our hands to make things less difficult for us. If you choose to be embittered, then welcome the pain and the sadness forever. If you choose to forgive, deal with the pain and agony today, but welcome a better tomorrow, soon. Remember, this too shall pass. It's not always a rainy day. The sun will soon shine on us, too. Who knows, tomorrow, when you meet the same person who wronged you, you will no longer look at him as that selfish brute who did nothing good in your life, but as someone who taught you valuable life's lessons, hence making you the wiser and stronger person that you are right now. 

**** For Cris. M.

heartbroken

I was fooled by you
I believed
still believed
till I cried
desperately

The road is foggy
The sky gets darker
eversince the day
when you're nowhere to be found


I waited
I stared
Did i just see something?
Nothing...
It was just all false hopes

I was fooled by you
I believed
still believed
and I'm still crying
desperately

(my own composition, super duper late post... )