novermberealizations

When I try to reassess myself the past few months, I realized that I came to change for the better. I used to be this real shy, insecure, fearful, doubtful girl who's always hiding inside her shell. I'm afraid to meet more people, take brand new risks, and try out things which I never have done before. Though it's true that much is still to be improved, it also is not easy to change things overnight. Hence, as the year is about to end (1 more month to go),I know there are still more things to add in my self-improvement checklist.

What I am happy about lately is how I learned to love myself all the more. I used to think that thinking lowly of myself is humility, apparently it is just downgrading myself, making me believe as if I'm dirty and small. It's only then that I learned that you cannot expect people to love you unless you truly love yourself. I've been looking for that love and fulfillment somewhere and someplace else, but at the end of the day, it's always you who will save yourself. It's a sad fact of life that most of the time, you can only count on yourself as people have their own businesses too- they do have the same troubles, pains, frustrations, and worries that we cannot afford to add up as their burden.I'm not saying that we really will be forever alone, but sometimes, we all have to be alone to cherish all the more the feeling of having company. That's why I learned to enjoy my moments of solitude because I know for a fact that I am not forever alone. Someday soon, my one true love will come into my life, and even if there will be ups and downs in that relationship, I can feel it in my heart that it is worth the wait.

I also learned to be more talkative and sociable. Thanks to my newfound community- The Feast. Through The Feast, I was able to share my talents, meet more people, improve on my relationships with people, love and value myself, work on my attitude and behavior, and most importantly be closer to my creator. All these I had in one organization. I never really felt this light before, and honestly, everyday, I look forward to attending our worship service and our caring group meetings. I also look forward to meeting more people and extending a helping hand to different forms of outreach activities. I used to be really bored of life lately, but now, I felt that 7 days a week is not enough to do all the things in my checklist. The world is now mine for the taking that I can do so much. This time, I am not afraid. I have someone up there who will back me up.

So even if I failed in my relationship recently, I am not really down in the dumps. I'm glad that I was given the grace to learn, to move on, and to pick up the pieces no matter how distressing the situation is. As I am always telling myself, I am no longer questioning why things end up that way. All I have right now is an enduring, open, grateful,and understanding mind. As it is, trials do come to shape us to the person we want to be. Besides, if we fail today, that is an opportunity to examine ourselves and strive to be better the next time around. Life is one big roller coaster ride, full of excitement and thrill, and instead of being devoured by fear and paranoia that we might fall, we can always raise our hands, shout at the top of our lungs, and enjoy the one hell of a ride.

The curtains of year 2012 are about to close, but I am not really leaving yesterday behind. If some areas of my yesteryears are full of bitter and painful memories, I will use them as a source of inspiration to do better. It may be easier said than done, but I will try everything so that I won't end up doing the same mistakes, again and again. At the end of the day, I thank my Almighty Creator for everything that happened because despite all the obstacles, He has still blessed me abundantly thus far- in my relationship with family, friends and others, in my career, in my studies, and in my financial life. I am still praying for that love, though. But I am open to all the possibilities and claiming my victory as early as now. And even if I get hurt before, I will carry on because nothing just happens. Today I can say with conviction I love my life and I would like to live a hundred years, and I am happy for being me.

Let's all be strong dear friends. God will also answer our prayers.

"Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart."

heartspeaks

After all that's said and done, things aren't still clear between him and me. I am really at a hazy and crazy stage right now. Though I am thinking about it lesser as compared to the first weeks of the so called "break-up stage." Apparently, he said he did not break up with me; thus leaving me bewildered and perplexed as to what he really wants to happen. He said we will talk, and in my heart, I want to, honestly. I'd love to see him, though I know it might lead to another heartbreaking encounter

Right now, I am becoming more open to the possibilities of letting him finally go, because as of the moment , it might be the best for the two of us. Since he told me that he cannot really give me his time, then might as well I don't harass him anymore and leave him all by himself. That way, maybe we can rethink and make our lives easier. As for him, he can focus more on his work, and as for me, I will no longer expect and get hurt. Sometimes it is really better to move on and to separate ways. That does not mean though that I love him less. I love him too much that I can give him his freedom if he wants to. Maybe by then, if he really loves me, he can take time to contemplate on how to make things better. The time apart may allow us to grow mature, and should we decide to try it again, it may intensify the love we have. Or it may lead us to finding our one true love, somewhere out there :).

I wish I can really talk to him. My heart is in a hurly-burly and whirlwind state. At one point, I feel calm and serene that I know I can handle the situation with ease. Then at some points, I will feel annoyance, disgust, and loathing. It's not easy to be in such a state, that I wish I can just evaporate. I know this bouts of unbalanced emotions will soon pass, the moment we talk, perhaps. I just hope and pray fervently that we will be both enlightened when we meet again. I am praying that he will say no honey-sweet words, but just the truth. If he cannot commit his time and effort, then  I need it to hear from him, so I will no longer expect and get hurt.

I realized then that love works when two people are committed to make it last. It's a two way traffic, that needs the cooperation of the parties involved. It's just that you have so much to give and apparently, he is not at par with what I have right now. I can do so much for him, even if that means forgiving and letting go of the past. What's hard though is that I still have trust issues, and every time I do not hear from him, I am paranoid of his whereabouts and he might disappear again. He can be really enigmatic and complicated, and no matter how hard I try, I cannot understand him a hundred percent. I won't proclaim though that I am perfect. I am full of flaws as a girlfriend. I can be childish, irksome, suspicious, inquisitive, illogical, irrational and inexpressive  I still have a lot to learn, but that does not mean I rest my laurels on being the imperfect one that I am. As it is, life is a work in progress, and the more I commit mistakes, the more I learn on how to make things right. To be totally mature will take time, and now is not yet the moment for that. I am learning and constantly trying to work on my frailties, that's what I can commit. I am aware of my weaknesses, and I have the willingness to make them as strengths, slowly but surely.

God knows when will be the perfect time for us to talk. But my heart hopes that it will be soon. I am hanging by the thread still. I want to tell him how I felt, feel, and am still feeling right now. Maybe he'll listen intently and realize. Whatever it is that he will realize then, is already up to him. What I just want to is vent out all my grievances, pain, hurt, agonies, and concerns. The next step, I'll leave up to him. But if it's just my choice, I am open to letting it all go.

THE ONE AND ONLY "YOU"

            No one is born exactly the same as another person, not even twins. We are unique, with no duplicate, just as how each one’s finger print wholly identifies a single person. As the Bible even puts it “I am fearfully and wonderfully made.”

            But despite knowing how God perfectly handcrafted each one with traits that would make us stand out, why is it always hard for us to accept who we are? Why could we just not accept that each person is endowed with both strengths which we can make use of and weaknesses that we can work on? Or better yet, why is it so easy to look at our faults and dwell on them rather than consistently affirm our strengths? Why is there a never-ending comparison: “I wish I was like her,” or “Why am I not given this and that,” or worse, ”Why am I born this way?”

            It is human nature to compare and look for things that they do not possess. But with a closer introspection, we will realize that the way we are created is a manifestation of how wonderful God’s work is.  Simply put, an inventor would not create something which is totally futile or worthless. The first thing he has in mind is how it will be beneficial for everyone, and he makes sure that each part is functional. God works in the same way, as he created all of us with a purpose, that even both our strengths and weaknesses are one.

            For instance, a melancholic person’s strengths are being deep and reflective, but sometimes this can border into shyness and being reserved. Nonetheless, this seeming stillness (as quiet as it may sound) enables a melancholic person to express himself through writing or to different forms of art. The apparently inability to express through words was then an avenue to create a work of art- may it be a story, a poem, a sculpture, or a painting. And that talent when used to the fullest is a perfect stepping stone to be known to the world. Marvelous, isn’t it?

           

            Therefore, the key to affirming one’s self is to 1) use your uniqueness and 2) work on your weaknesses. If we come to God and allow him to transform us, then we will start thinking less of ourselves. Besides, to God, our weakness is not a great big deal, just as how mothers love their children despite all their failures and shortcomings. We have a God who knows us well, that even the hairs in our head are numbered by Him. So the next time you are in doubt as to the extent of his love for you, be mindful of this song:

                I would not leave you in times of trouble

                We never could have come this far

                I took the good times, I take the bad times

                I’ll take you just the way you are.

            Claim that you are unique, and in God’s eyes, it’s your uniqueness (both the good and the bad) that makes you beautiful. 

confusionism

Time and again, he always has brought confusion to my life. I always want to give him the benefit of the doubt and chance. And no matter how stupid it may sound, I still yearn for a happy ever after (silly girl here).  I told myself countless times that I will no longer come up with false hopes and expectations, and hopefully this time I'll do it right.

Sometimes I'd like to ask myself or better yet him: "why the hell are you like that? I'm freaking pissed off by your inconsistencies and I just cannot understand why for a man as old as you are, you seemingly do not have a tinge of conviction in your veins! For crying out loud, when will you ever learn to keep a promise?" But of course, that's just me thinking. I was able to blurt out my anger and fume out extremely though, but using different words. It was a success then, I intimidated him, as he said it himself, though that's not my serious intention.

At the end of the day, no matter how I seem to hate him and even if he gives me this irksome feeling deep within my core, I just find it foolish that here I am always ending up giving him the slightest chance and benefit of the doubt. When will I ever learn to let go of such people who seem to have the passion for hurting someone else's feelings? Am I really a born masochist? By the looks of it, I guess I really am.

Dearest Cris, by all means I do know that you will never ever have the chance of reading this as you are definitely not into blogger and social networking; however, for my sake, I'd just like to vent out all the emotions lingering within. I still cannot understand what you are up to this time. Are you back into my life because you wanted friendship, closure, or reconciliation, or you wanted to ask for a second chance? Please tell me, please do not leave me hanging on dead grounds and thin air. And please, for the nth time, do not disappear on me again. I have forgiven you countless times, and I do not know if there's still room for one more, but apparently, my heart is getting tired of it all.

I have to give it to myself too, that I deserve to find my one true love, someone who will never ever dare to take me for granted or treat me as just the second best. I know what I can give when I learn to love, so I rightfully deserve the man who will love and respect me just the same. What you are doing to me is a torture, and every time you fail me, it's as if I am being killed softly. I do not want to die a hundred times while waiting for you, because I want to love wholly and without doubts and fears when the right one comes. I like you though, that was an easy thing to discern and fathom over. I like you, yes, but what I dislike was the way you are knifing and ripping my heart apart, into shattered pieces. I want to be happy too, if it's with you, then well and good. But if you just cannot commit yourself to me, and if you think you can't keep your words, it's alright...dump me. Maybe it's better off that way, than making me dwell on false hopes and believe that things will turn out better even if in reality, they would not.

So if mean what you say, if you are dead serious about this chance. Tell me abruptly and frankly. I am willing to forego and forget all that has happened in the past and start with a blank slate. I just want an honest and sincere answer. Then if it's not, even if it pains me to do so, I will have to let you go.

trying to be optimistic

There's always something wrong with me.

I may be a smart, brilliant, intelligent, and ideal daughter and student, but then...there's still something missing.

People admired me for being who I am. Parents want their children to emulate me. For some, they looked up to me as the role model of their children. There was even a neighbor who considers me as her inspiration to pursue harder in her studies. It's quite good. But that's  not where it ends.

It's not enough.

People see me as a superwoman.

They think I'm tough. They admired me for simply being who I am.

I am an achiever for them, and at times, they just wanted to be me. My cousin even said..."it's hard to reach what you already have had achieved. " If that's the case, I should be happy. I should be smiling and jumping with joy right now. I should be proud of myself. However, I am not. I feel that all these....it's not enough to make me happy. It makes me proud of myself at certain points, but there comes a time when I feel I love what I doing, but I am yearning for some changes, for something new to come.

Maybe then, life could be better when it is simpler. The simpler it is, the lesser the hassles and complications. By that, I guess that will make me happier. If only I could turn back time and enjoy life...I will. I feel that I just can't turn back. Jim was right in saying that I am always afraid of what people might think. I'm overly conscious of people's reactions. Could it be because I know people looked up to me as someone worth admiring? Should I blame them for regarding me highly so the pressure is then highly accumulating in my head? I guess so. If not of those...then maybe, I can better live my life the way I wanted it to be. I shouldn't have showed them so much. After all, I am just human. I get hurt and tired.

And so I'm tired of this world. This world where you are at the pillars and there's people counting on you. Or maybe, behind all those people, lies a detractor..a person who is listlessly praying for my downfall, and when that time comes...he/she is gonna laugh so mischievously. I don't know..yes..we can never know. In this dog-eat world, you can never trust anyone. There will always be that person who will end up betraying you, no matter whatever kindness you showed for him/her.

I'm tired of being too ideal. I'm not your ideal girl. I want to come out of this cage. I have my limits. Yes...they should've known. I'm looking for something, no matter what achievement I had right now. I envy people who are happy with their families and all those people who are happy and contented with their special someone. For how many years, I have been constantly trying to improve myself. From the obese girl that I once was, I lost weight. I was really an ugly duckling before, but I'm trying hard to look my very best when I am with people. At times, I feel that it's not already me. I'm putting myself a mask just to please people. I'm putting so much stress and pressure on myself....it's too tedious..but I'm still doing it just because I want to feel the love, care and acceptance, not just of people, not just of friends, but the possibility that there is a man who'll be trapped by cupid. I waited, still waited and waiting up until now.

It has been too long, and the search ...is never successful. My attempts, were all futile. It's true, I can never have the best of both worlds. I may be successful with one, but fail on the other. We cannot conquer everything. So I may have a good career, but love will always be my water-loo...my greatest frustration. I came from a dysfunctional family, and now it seems I can never have my own.  Sometimes, I even envy my parents. They are happy with their own LOVED ONES. While me, I don't even have one, whence I should be the one to have such relationships. That's the irony of the world. But that's life and the thing that I will do last is to blame God. That's too mean of me. I don't want to come a day that because of all my frustrations, that will happen to me.

I know I don't know how to play the game of love. If only there is a course for it, I will surely enroll on it. It seems that all of the persons in the world, I'm the one who has no appeal at all. I'm nerdy, boring and Grade conscious for them. That's all. I'm too kind, conservative, but tell me, is it wrong to do what you think is good? Just because everyone is doing it, am I supposed to go with the flow? Can I not go against the current, and sail my boat in the path that I think is right?  It's a hard decision. You try to be righteous, but at the end, you end up being alone, while all the people are having the time of their life. This is the price I have to pay for being so good....loneliness, and I tell you, it kind of sucks.

I am not so sure how long I can take this situation. I know people are just waiting for the worst things to come. I hope and pray that I still end up doing what I believe is right, and enjoy to the point that I am not off the limits. I know that's possible anyway, but there will always be certain consequences. I hope the Lord will lead my way...I don't want to despair and lose hope. At the end of the day, no matter how strong the frustration and depression, optimism will still prevail and take it's course. If I quit and give in, I will be the one who ends up as the loser. It's not their defeat, it's mine. And unless I'm really insane, I won't allow that to happen. Not now, not never, not when my dreams are almost within my reach. Love will be there, but if there is none...maybe there is something better in store. I'll try to stop and control the tears from welling in my eyes. It will do no good. I will feel better, sooner. And love, I'll just think about that later...if it will just be the hindrance for my dreams...then let there be no love for me at all. I'll trust in God's way and plans. Who knows, I will end up thanking HIM, for he has HIS own plans, and for sure, it will be for my own good.

heartbroken

I was fooled by you
I believed
still believed
till I cried
desperately

The road is foggy
The sky gets darker
eversince the day
when you're nowhere to be found


I waited
I stared
Did i just see something?
Nothing...
It was just all false hopes

I was fooled by you
I believed
still believed
and I'm still crying
desperately

(my own composition, super duper late post... )

reflection

I look at the mirror
I see me
Is that me?
That can't be!

I stare at myself
At the image
I see
Right now
Still I can't believe

I hold the mirror
Tight
Stare at the image
Gently
Then with a sudden blow
I knocked myself hard

My reflection now
I can't see
I feel the hurt
It's all over me
The mirror's ripped into pieces
and all around me,
there's BLOOD.

fly and breakaway

As high as the skies and clouds above
You can spread your wings
You can soar freely
You can fly up into the sky
And conquer the world with that majestic flight.

Here I am, staring at you
awe-inspired by your ability
to wander aimlessly
to reach for the heavens
to be as carefree as you wanted to be.

I marveled at the beauty of thy flight
cause that is something
I can never be
sitting here,
I can only look at you.

And yes, I can only look and wish
That I can fly as high as you can
Then maybe, when I am able to do so
I can finally break away
and find my peace, at long last.