Growing up, I was never really the beautiful one. I was
labeled as brainy, and kind, but never the pretty nor the charming one. I never
had a boyfriend wayback in highschool and college. And guys seem not to see me
as someone who they will pursue. I was barely told I was beautiful back then.
Hence, I really have a low self-esteem and self-worth.
But years passed and I learned that I can also do something
to improve myself. Yes I am smart and kind, but I can also be attractive
physically. And so I did learn to work-out and deprive myself of the goodness
of food. I also learned to ditch the goody-too-shoes and wholesome kind of
dresses. I learned to wear shorts and skirts, sleeveless tops and dresses, low
back dresses and blouses so that I might be noticed. I learned to color my hair
and apply make-up properly. Thus, I became more presentable, and people started
complimenting me as beautiful, pretty, and lovely. I was a flower in
full-bloom, from an ugly duckling to a beautiful swan. Yes, I said goodbye to
my overweight and ugly self. Finally, I am considered beautiful by most people I
met, and some would even say that I am a Maggie Wilson look alike.
Hearing compliments from the people around is really a boost
to my ego. Yet, let me tell you that the journey towards this destination is
not easy. My body is really on the chubby side so whenever I eat a little too
much, I would easily gain weight. And people can easily notice that, too. I
have big legs and flabby arms, which is so hard to make firm and smaller even
with working out at the gym. Even if I am way too thinner compared to my 38
inches waistline when I was still in high school, I still see myself as “fat.” And
I still feel lonely too, especially when people would ask me the status of my
love life. Why, that even if I am beautiful as people may say, guys take no interest
in me? Then will come the succeeding questions/ remarks/ comments that maybe I speak
too much English whenever I am dating, or I have such skyrocketing and
impossible standards, that maybe I don’t go out more often, or I am snobbish
and hard to please. And in the middle of all those, I can’t help but cry deep
inside. Because I know that those are not true. Because I know, that I am doing
my best, too, to meet more people, friends, and I am trying to learn new skills
so that I will spread myself and not be confined in the comforts of my
workplace and home.
Much as I don’t live to please everyone, I get hurt too
getting all those from people I meet. Don’t they know that I try to workout
atleast 3-4 days a week, with a minimum of 1 ½ hour and maximum of 3 hours? Don’t
they know that I barely eat junkfoods, fastfood, pork, beef and rice anymore,
because I am afraid to gain weight? Don’t they know that depriving myself of
food to eat is killing me already, and whenever I hear people’s remarks about
my body parts (legs, arms) and weight, I get shivers and I feel like bursting?
When will I stop pushing myself? When will they finally be happy that and tell
me that “hey, you just look good and stop dieting “?
Let me just tell you, I get tired, too. I get tired of
working out, but I have to go out of my comfort zone and lift all the weights
and run in the treadmill and transport because I want to look good and feel
good. And just when I am happy with my work out, I will still hear comments
about my legs and arms. I will never be perfect, and I just hope that people
will accept others imperfections too. And more so, think of the impact that
they will make before they will comment on others appearance and weight. For
all you know, that is already the person’s best effort. Like me, 4 days in the
gym take much of my time. I will have to sacrifice a lot already, same goes
with the food that I have to say goodbye to. And to all those who never seem to
run out of remarks regarding my singlehood, let me tell you this: I am not in a
hurry to be married off. Yes, I want to get married, have a baby, start that
family, but I won’t run after a guy anymore just so someone will like me. I am
a grown up woman, now. I know what I want and what I deserve. I deserve to be
pursued and courted just like any woman out there. And I deserve a person who
will accept me for who I am, despite all my bulges, flabs, big arms and legs,
and so on.
It all ends up saying to myself that “I am beautiful, no
matter what they say, words can bring me down.” People may question my
singlehood for the nth time, or continue to lament at my ever big legs and
flabby arms, but it’s me. As long as I am doing something to constantly upgrade
and improve myself, I will fear not and dread what others will say. Even if it’s
a hurdle, I have to love and accept
myself for who I am and even what I am not. Someday, I know, as cliché as it
may sound, a person will come to love me despite all my imperfections. And even
without him yet for the time being, I know that someone up there already loves
me unconditionally. And I will lift all these pain and struggles to HIM,
because He loves me for who I am and He is thinking of ways to bless me, I just
have to believe and wait.
