of finding love and waiting hearts

“Hope is the thing with feathers 
That perches in the soul 
And sings the tune without the words 
And never stops at all.” 
― Emily Dickinson

I know one of the most difficult emotion to feel is that when you are lonely and unloved. As human beings, part of our hierarchy of needs is to feel that we are loved and we belong. And when those needs are not met, we feel that we are deprived, we find it difficult to “function” that we end up questioning ourselves and our existence. Questions linger such as “Am I not worthy of being loved?”, “Will I ever find that one?” “Am I meant to be alone forever?” It’s heart-breaking and terrifying. No man is meant to be an island, so it’s instinctual that we look for a companion, to make us feel we are important and to validate our value.

But what if that one person is not yet there? Does that make you less of a person?

I believe not. You are whole even without that someone, because a relationship is composed of two people striving to complement each other’s completeness. In a relationship it cannot be that the other has to love a hundred percent and the other is just half-hearted. One will feel the burden and weight of making the relationship work, while the other may feel that he/she is not doing enough. And so all beautiful things are not worth to be rushed, and is worth waiting for. And when it comes and you already found that one person, value him/her never let that person go. Finding true love is like finding a needle in the haystack, so when you already have that one, will you risk letting that person go, knowing that when you lose him/her, you will have to search the world again?

For some people, it is already there and finding love for them is a piece of cake. It comes naturally. For others, it may seem an endless search, a constant struggle. In the process, a lot were risked and maybe it broke our hearts a gazillion times. The pain caused by the brokenness made our vision clouded thereby doubting if true love still exists. But the tormenting phase eventually passed till we stand resurrected, with our feet stronghold, head up high, and hearts mended. In our hearts, we know, we believe, we are eager and open to find love again, no matter what it takes.

In the end, we all have that belief, that love is something that we should never give up on. The tides may rise and fall, candles will burn, leaves will wither, but our desire to keep the flame of love alive should be stronger than ever. Even if we may be disillusioned and shattered countless times, trying, believing, and working on it should be ingrained in our system. Others may doubt and mock you for the delay. You may also lose faith and belief in the process, but never give up. Even if it pains to wait, even if you have cried a bucket or a liter of tears, even if no one seems to believe in you, or even if you feel that it is no longer possible- continue fueling that hope.

As Paulo Coelho once said “And when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you achieve it.” No matter how long the waiting time is, when it comes one day, it will all be worth it. It may not be perfect, but it will be beautiful and worth working hard for.  The waiting time is no longer as painful and terrifying as it appears to be. Then you can proudly say “I’ve waited patiently, and it’s worth it. I will cherish this and never let it go.”

a step back

You are definitely good-looking as they say.
Smart, with a sense of purpose and direction.
You very well know what you want to achieve in life.
You know that you want to depend yourself and in no one else in achieving your goals and dreams.
And honestly, I admire you for that.
You clearly have the passion in doing your job and you do it excellently.
You have big dreams. And sad to say, I may not be part of those.

Sometimes I wish that you also know how badly you want me to be part of your life.
That I am not just a plaything. Or you would rather take me seriously, than let me go.
Or love me a hundred percent instead of dumping me when you said you will never leave.
Or that you will fight for me even though you've hurt me once.
That you want a chance at love.
That after all that's said and done, it's me that you want- and it's finally clear to you.

But maybe, right now, it's still a no.
Because when you love someone, that person is part of your dreams.
And you chase and go after your dreams.
You fight for it, no matter how hard it takes.
You take the extra mile to make sure that we can work through it no matter what storms there will be on the way.
We will walk and weather them all through...together and hand-in hand.

However, I guess I'm still caught in the daydreaming stage.
Because every time you drop some hints,
there is that flicker of hope, igniting the fire of love, that still burns deep inside.
And no matter how hard I try to extinguish the fire, it's still set aflame.
As foolish as it may sound, the flame, maybe never even died.
Maybe it was concealed, but never put to death.

I'd like to spend time alone...a little bit far from you
Because I don't want to be like a moth drawing itself closer to the flame
I know it will consume and burn me
And if it did, it will kill me, figuratively.
I don't want a heartache coming from you.
So if I can act aloof and wise
I will do it now.
Even if I still love you, I have to love myself too.
And if distancing a little means preventing myself from the pain
and will save me from the agony of hating you and ruining every good thing I like about you,
I will do it.

I want to remember you for all the good that you have.
And not to be embittered by the tears and pain you brought.