frustrations

It's September 8 tomorrow- a special day, that is. It's Mama Mary's birthday and most importantly, it's our first monthsary. Yes, it has been a month. But instead of being overly excited about it, I feel frustrated, honestly.

Apparently, my boyfriend has no plan. I don't even think he remembers. I don't really know if he's playing insensitive or he does not really know that tomorrow is our first monthsary. It's really annoying, vexing, irritating, disappointing and frustrating. How can he ever forget? Or better yet, maybe it's because this is something he never intends to treasure at all. Now, I felt like I jumped into a cliff and the person who prodded me to jump has no intention of catching me. Most of the time, I feel left out. He says he loves me but the sincerity of his words, that I have yet to see. Due to this, I am having doubts as to where this will all go. How can he act like that? Or maybe I am too paranoid.

Tomorrow I have to find out and see for myself whether this is just a play pretend or he does not have a tinge of care. He's old and he knows what's right or wrong, so I think there's no way I still have to make him realize his faults that he may eventually know what to do and improve on. As always, a relationship is like communication, which is two way. It is supposed to be give and take. I am trying my best to be as open as possible- telling him how I honestly feel, whether I am mad, satisfied, frustrated, doubtful, disappointed, or happy. But if after all this, it still won't work, then I have to accept that maybe, he's not meant for me. After all, we do not find love in just one shot. Maybe through Cris, I have to learn how to stumble and fall so that when I find the right man I will be more mature and better at handling my emotions.

So I would honestly say, I am not happy, nor am I satisfied. And to make the pain go away, I guess I have to divert my attention into things which are worthwhile. I have to pamper myself, go watch a movie, work out, bond with family and friends. If he does not intend to make me the center of my universe, then there's no way that he should be the end-all of my world. Again, my world won't stop just because he's not around. I love him and he means so much to me, but I have my limits too. I can just give so much, but no matter how much you love a person, there will always be a breaking point. And when I get too tired of all this, that's when I might break down, and cut if off.