frustrations

It's September 8 tomorrow- a special day, that is. It's Mama Mary's birthday and most importantly, it's our first monthsary. Yes, it has been a month. But instead of being overly excited about it, I feel frustrated, honestly.

Apparently, my boyfriend has no plan. I don't even think he remembers. I don't really know if he's playing insensitive or he does not really know that tomorrow is our first monthsary. It's really annoying, vexing, irritating, disappointing and frustrating. How can he ever forget? Or better yet, maybe it's because this is something he never intends to treasure at all. Now, I felt like I jumped into a cliff and the person who prodded me to jump has no intention of catching me. Most of the time, I feel left out. He says he loves me but the sincerity of his words, that I have yet to see. Due to this, I am having doubts as to where this will all go. How can he act like that? Or maybe I am too paranoid.

Tomorrow I have to find out and see for myself whether this is just a play pretend or he does not have a tinge of care. He's old and he knows what's right or wrong, so I think there's no way I still have to make him realize his faults that he may eventually know what to do and improve on. As always, a relationship is like communication, which is two way. It is supposed to be give and take. I am trying my best to be as open as possible- telling him how I honestly feel, whether I am mad, satisfied, frustrated, doubtful, disappointed, or happy. But if after all this, it still won't work, then I have to accept that maybe, he's not meant for me. After all, we do not find love in just one shot. Maybe through Cris, I have to learn how to stumble and fall so that when I find the right man I will be more mature and better at handling my emotions.

So I would honestly say, I am not happy, nor am I satisfied. And to make the pain go away, I guess I have to divert my attention into things which are worthwhile. I have to pamper myself, go watch a movie, work out, bond with family and friends. If he does not intend to make me the center of my universe, then there's no way that he should be the end-all of my world. Again, my world won't stop just because he's not around. I love him and he means so much to me, but I have my limits too. I can just give so much, but no matter how much you love a person, there will always be a breaking point. And when I get too tired of all this, that's when I might break down, and cut if off.

I love you? Prove it.

So recently I broke up with my boyfriend. After a couple of days discussing our issues (read crying and arguing) he came round, we talked at length, hugged, kissed, made up, he held my face in his hands and told me he loved me and off we went to bed. The next day he sent me an email (yes, an email – not quite as bad as a post-it but still pretty low) saying that he ‘just couldn’t do it’. That was the day I realised that saying ‘I love you’ means nothing unless it’s backed up with actions. And not the hiring of white vans and taking back the telly sort of actions.

Are you in a relationship where you hear your partner say ‘I love you’ so much that it’s more habit than heartfelt? And do you feel loved in other ways? Not necessarily with grand gestures and extravagant gifts but with the small stuff. The buying of your favourite chocolate bar, the cup of tea when you wake up, the text asking if they can bring anything home for dinner. It’s these little acts of intimacy that make you feel secure within a relationship. And it works both ways of course.

Relationship coach, Jackie Walker says, “If your partner isn’t feeling loved in the way that they want to feel loved, no amount of ‘I love yous’ will get through to them. If you don’t know what they need from you to feel loved, your job is to ask them and deliver it.”

This relates back to a piece of advice we learned while creating the20 relationship rules to love by feature, and it’s that we all have a ‘love language’. This is how we best like to express our love and like it expressed back to us. For some, it’s touch. For others, words. Relationships survive when you work out each other’s language of choice. But just as never saying ‘I love you’ can undermine a relationship so can spouting it as an excuse for every mistake or misunderstanding you encounter together.

Sally Brampton, Psychologies writer, summed it up perfectly when she said, “Sometimes I think the phrase ‘I love you’ is no more than a get-out-of-jail-free card. In other words, I love you so just shut up about my obvious lack of commitment, my inability to anticipate your needs, my failure to give you my full attention. I’ve told you I love you so you can’t ask for anything more.”

Well, actually you can. As Jackie Walker says, “Love is a doing word not a passive one. Love doesn’t simply arrive and stay; it requires input, output and recharging. It needs an environment with respect, care and attention to thrive in.” If your partner behaves in a way that upsets you then you have a right to expect the person who says ‘I love you’, to put their money where their mouth is. Words are easy to mutter, but behaviour is harder to change. It’s this commitment to change however, that shows real love, intimacy and respect.  And as we all know, respect the foundation of all happy relationships.

a brave heart :)

Days fly so swiftly, passing like a thief in the night. It has been almost a month since I decided to take the fall and embrace the risk, and I would say, I do not regret doing it at all. I love him, and that's all that matters.

I entered in this relationship without no guarantee as to where it will lead me, but all I know is, my heart is full of hopes that this too shall soon work out. With prayers as my ultimate and everyday shield, I most certainly believe that we can make it through. It's all a matter of trust, understanding, and sometimes, compromise.

Even with the uncertainties and doubts hovering around, I am sure that I don't want to give up on him, on us. Sometimes though, the paranoia lingers and I cannot help but stop and be suspicious and worrisome. At the end of the day, I know my childish attitude starts to kick in and when I do not get what I want, I get overly impatient, to the point that I almost breakdown. Thankfully, everyday is a learning experience for me. Slowly and surely, I am learning to manage my emotions, though from time to time, I still feel frustrated because it is honestly, still not easy. But I face each day with a brave soul and an eager heart, and I know I will soon soar high with flying colors, I just have to learn the hard way.

Time can tell and soon I know we'll both find a way. Communication is the constant key to make this all work. I won't lose hope. It's too early to give up. Whatever happens, I'll just hold on but be open to all possibilities at the same time. As always, I'll do what's best and what's right. And since I already started to take that big risk, I will always make sure that I'll give it my best shot. Whatever happens, I do not want to live a life with regrets anymore. So I will try my very best to tell how much I love him, even if I know, I have this weakness at directly expressing things.

So even fear and paranoia finds their way sometimes, I won't let it devour me. I am the master of my emotions. I will be strong, resolute, and prudent. I know what I want and I won't hold back nor let go. I will fight for this no matter what. And time can tell, someday, if we are truly meant for each other. But as for now, I will seize each day, cherish each moment, and live each day as if it were my last. And I won't let each day pass without telling him, that he means the world to me. :)