Wednesday, May 6, 2015

twists and turns

Recently, a lot of unexpected twists and turns happened in my life. When all of a sudden I was getting used to my life's routine, something happened, and I thought, it was good. It was sad because I thought life has a way of surprising and telling me that the wait may finally be over, and I finally got what I deserve. But my heart knew it wasn't. And dealing with the painful reality and the stings of my conscience was more difficult than the long waiting time I endured.

Maybe God is not the kind of God who rewards us because we are good and kind. Maybe HE does not easily and readily give up what we deserve. I'd like to think that we meet certain people in our life to break our hearts, to test our patience and strength of character, and to make us realize our self-worth. And for many times that I have been stooping low, maybe this time I did it again. I do not want to question God, though. Though I can't understand His plans for me, I would like to believe that life's twists and turns will always lead us to something better and greater. Honestly though, I'm afraid, that because of that fear, I don't even think that I can easily pray. :(

I don't want to feel sorry for myself, also. And I don't want to feel that I'm always a victim. Maybe because I believe in giving people a chance to prove themselves and that they are worth keeping in my life. Maybe because it's hard for me to say NO. Or maybe because, at the end of the day, I'm afraid of being alone, really, even if on the outside, they see me as an independent woman.

I hope what happened will not make an embittered person out of me, because honestly, I'm afraid of trusting people now. After what happened, I don't know if I can still give a chance to what I have been praying for so long. I'm afraid I don't know if I should try again, or just let things be, or accept that maybe it is not for me. I feel sad, very very sad, and the sadness is profound, but I have to keep it to myself, and just pretend that I'm okay.

I hope life will surprise me with something really good, after this. Something good that will last for a lifetime, not for a short while. :(