waiting for the best version of a dream

What sign are you actually looking for?

Last night, I attended a worship service at a Catholic Community that I'm part of. At the end of the talk, I felt like cold water was poured to my whole body, as a resounding "what sign are you still looking for?" was mentioned by the speaker. I can only mutter to myself "Open my eyes, so that I can see." And indeed, maybe, truly, sadly, I am blinded all along.

It is very heartbreaking if we are stuck on the same chapter of our life. Even if they say the only way to move on is to let go, it is still difficult and sometimes, you still wallow in the pain or the trauma of it all. Yes, we want to move forward, but the fear is there. It is akin to a movie being played inside ones head. As the speaker said "if you are going through something, just pass through it, don't linger there for so long." 

And then I felt I was slapped. Real hard. Maybe my head was even hammered.

Am I lingering for so long, that I have been badly damaged and crippled by this prolonged stay?

Is it keeping me from seeing the beauty and promises of life?

Is that NO still painful for me? Did I really learn to move on or let go?

I have to be honest. Maybe, after all, I am savoring the pain. I felt and looked like I was a big pathetic fool.

Yes. We make mistakes. And forgiving oneself is just so hard.

But I realize, I want to live a happy life.

I want to have a better and brighter future.

I know I have been praying for someone, for so long. I may not exactly get what I wanted.

But I want to prepare myself for God's best version of my dream.

Maybe the first thing to do is to be brutal to myself. There are some things, some person that you cannot have. 

The second thing is to wait. Patiently wait. And believe that a brighter future is in store. 

Yes, it's painful. The many big "NOs" are extremely wounding my heart. Up to the point that it made me doubt myself, my worth, my value as a person.

Still, I have to believe. And I have to act with bold faith. "Faith without works, is dead."

Perhaps, all those rejection will lead to a better place and bring the best person out of me. Maybe someday, in the right time, I will be surprised and be lead to that someone I have been waiting and praying for so long.

I know I have been praying and working hard.

Sometimes, most of the time, I feel like giving up already.

Sometimes, I feel so ugly and even envy the people around me.

In the most random of times, I will see myself crying out of self- pity, and would fail to pray because it just hurts so much.

Dear God, You know my prayers. I open myself to the best version of my dream that You are preparing for me. I still await for the YES that you promise to give in the near future. Please increase my patience. Please help me to be more faithful. I don't want to give up. Not on You, not on my dreams. :)

hello world!

It's been a while since I last wrote a blog here in blogger. And with all honesty, I missed writing so much. There are a lot of sensible things I have been doing lately, which prevented me from overthinking. I'm glad I am more able to manage my emotions and feelings (which include my frustrations and fears). God has really been good to me after all these years. Life is not perfect and there sure are plenty reasons to be happy.

I'm glad I found new friends in our church community. I have been used to attending the FEAST on my own- praying and listening to the talk alone..and it's just so lonesome to do that with no one to share my reflections with. Perhaps all those empty chairs beside me was more than filled as I have three regular FEAST buddies, as I call them, namely Marco, Mike, and Louis (and all boys at that! GRrreattt! :0). Thank you, Lord for introducing me to these Godly Gentlemen. I have new friends which make FEASTING more fun. And we have more gimmik days to look forward to. Whenever I feel sad and lonely, I hope having these new friends will remind me that I am not alone. :)

And because 2014 is the year of changes and breakthroughs, I decided to do something which I never thought I will. I recently enrolled at Slimmers' World and I am happy to say I am enjoying my new routine. In fact, working out has become a new hobby for me. I lift weights, do cardio exercises like the treadmill, transport, crosstrain machine, and use machines for legs and thighs. I hope this will help me maintain a healthy lifestyle, which will eventually lead to a fitter body and to lose weight. :) It's worth the price I paid for and I glad I took that chance.

What's next? I just decided I am trying to learn a new hobby aside from working out, and I just went to several appliances to check a convection oven and electric mixer. It's quite contradictory that I am working out and learning to bake (wishing to lose weight and learn to cook), nevertheless, I am just trying to find ways to make myself happy and to be more productive. I have done researches on easy to bake recipes such as cookies and simple cakes, and I am just so excited. Also, I researched on where I can buy baking ingredients and materials such as pans and measuring cups. I want to start immediately if only I have the money, he he! My mom is even very supportive of this new venture of mine. :) I will share my baking outputs once I started. Hope it will turn out great and I look forward that I will love baking!

Also, just today, our program manager told us to do a self-evaluation as part of the process of regularization. Hmmm, just when I was thinking of leaving, this perhaps is something good to think about. I just hope there will be a salary increase, plus benefits (I am keeping my fingers crossed, pray for me!) I just pray that all will be well should I decide a 100% to stay. God is good, and I believe He will provide.

And I just can't believe that October is going to end so soon. Why do days fly so fast? They just seem so controllable and there's no way of stopping them from passing by. Soon, I'll be turning a year older (I'll be 25 years old this January), and I wish that God will continue to bless me and my family. That I'll be healthy, happy, and that I'll be able to inspire and help more people.

I was just thinking, maybe, God will soon grant that one thing I have been waiting and praying for so long? Who knows, 2015 may be the year.

I will be waiting for you. <3 p="">

let go

*Sometimes we just can't have the love that we always wanted. And in time, even if it hurts, it will be better to let it go, and leave it up to God. 

I chose to let him go.

Not because I don’t love him. Neither because I hate him.

I did it because it’s for the best. And when you are on the same ground waiting for nothing, you know, it’s the right choice.

I love him but I respect his decision. And I love myself, too, because I deserve respect.

And if I chose to haunt him even after he clearly said his piece, then I will just be accepting the love, I think, I deserve.

But I know, I deserve more than that. More than hoping and expecting , which may lead me to waiting for nothing at all.

Because I deserve to be treated right.

Because my value is not determined even after I was left or dumped by someone.

Because I have the capacity to move forward and right my wrongs.

And because I still believe in true love, I am willing to wait, for the right person to come along.

I decided to let go of the past.

By doing so, I am embracing a future full of possibilities.

Even if it means, a life far away from him.

Even if it means the death of a beautiful friendship.

Even if it means, I will be “alone” for quite some time.

And maybe it is better to be alone than to be in the wrong company.

I learned to love and value myself.

That I decided to give myself the right exercise of freedom.

And since I am free from the manacles of the past,

I will love myself with all the love I can give.

I will believe that I deserve more, and only the best.

And I will no longer settle for less.

Even if that means I will have to be selective of my company,

Or the people I will have to deal with.

Now happiness comes from within.

I chose to be happy and to live free, because I want to.

In letting go, I learned to value myself.

In letting go, I learned to appreciate my worth.

In letting go, I learned to be joyful, without depending on anyone.

In letting go, I know, I am ready to love, when the right person comes.

And in letting go, I forgave the person, and even myself.

And even at the end, we are not meant to be.

He gave me the best gifts I could ever have.

The gift of loving and valuing myself.

The gift of genuine joy and happiness.

And for that I am thankful.

I still wish him well.

I have no bitterness and regrets.

Just a bright future awaiting, and loads of happiness.

puso, ano ang kwento mo?

Gaano ba kasakit ang di mahalin ng taong mahal mo?

Masakit. Sobrang sakit. Parang biniyak ang puso at kaluluwa mo. O maaring higit pa.

Lahat naman kasi ng tao, umaasa at nananalig sa isang “happy ending.” Na baling araw ma-meet natin si ”the one.”

Sabi nga din nila, kung gaano kasarap o kasaya umibig, ganoon din naman ang sakit na dulot nito.

Minsan sa sobrang sakit, tinatanong mo na kung “Bakit ganito? Bakit kailangan ako masaktan? Bakit di niya ako mahal? Ano ang mali? Bakit di niya ko kayang mahalin?”

Siguro naman, sa isang banda sa ating buhay, naramdaman na natin ang tinatawag na unrequited love.

Sa mga way over na sa stage na ito, congratulations. Wow! Isa kayong patunay na “the right one will come along if we wait, believe, and pray for it.”

Sa mga on the way pa lang, there is more to come. (Ito ay isang warning o pwede ding reminder, bahala na kayo maginterpret J )

Sa mga nagmomove-forward: push niyo lang yan. Go. Kaya pa natin to. Sabi nga ni RB, if you can’t move on, move on some more! As in more!

Dahil naniniwala naman siguro tayong lahat, na hindi un-fair ang buhay, di ba? Kaya nga bilog ang mundo, paikot-ikot. Kahit pa feeling mo nakikita mo sila lahat, in a relationship na. At tayo, hindi pa. Madami dami na din ang kinakasal na, pero may mga waiting pa din kung dadating pa ba siya- si future groom or bride. Sa kaibuturan ng ating puso nandoon ang paniniwala, na darating siya, at hindi ba yun ang pinakamahalaga? Dahil sa huli, ang pag-ibig ay darating sa kung sino man ang naniniwala dito.  At kahit gaano kahirap mag-intay, kahit minsan sawa ka na sa kakadasal dahil pakiramdam mo di ka pinakikinggan, pero mahigpit ang kapit natin. At ito ay tinatawag nating faith o pananampalataya, at ito ang nagpapatibay sa atin- nagbibigay lakas na maniwala tayo, kahit pakiramdam natin, wala ng bukas, wala ng pag-asa.

Maaring nakalugmok ka ngayon after mo mabasted, friend-zoned, seen-zoned o kung ano pa mang ang katumbas ay unrequited love. Or maaring nagheheal pa ang iyong broken heart pakatapos ng isang pag-ibig na hindi rin pala kayo sa huli. Pero kahit gaano man kasakit, alam natin, ano mang hakbang ang gawin natin ang siyang magdidikta ng kapalaran sa hinaharap, kaya kailangan magdesisyon tayo ng wasto at nararapat, dahil kung mag-self destruct tayo sa kasalukuyan, ang future din natin ang magiging kaawa-awa. At hindi naman siguro tayo papayag dun di ba? Gusto pa din natin ng happy ending. At dahil tayo ay optimists, pipiliin natin ang tamang daan, ika nga. Kahit matagal, kahit mahirap, at madaming pasikot-sikot. Kasi may tiwala tayo e, na karapat-dapat tayong mahalin, na may nakikinig sa prayers natin, na ang halaga natin ay hindi naididikta ng kung gaano tayo sinaktan, pinabayaan, binalewala ng taong minsang pinag-ikutan ng mundo natin. Ang halaga natin ay higit pa sa mga kamalian o kakulangan, dahil lahat naman ito matatama at mapupunan, basta bukal sa loob natin na magbago or punan ang mga pagkukulang.

At kahit gaano man kahirap mag-intay na dumating ang tamang tao sa buhay natin, alam ko, hindi ako nagiisa sa mga nananalig at naniniwala, darating siya. Na hindi natin sisirain ang buhay natin para lang sa isang taong di tayo kayang mahalin, bigyan ng halaga, o nang-iwan at nanakit, dahil gusto natin na maibigay natin ng buong- buo ang ating sarili sa taong nararapat sa atin, balang-araw. At ang lahat ng sakit na to, ng hirap, ng mga matang namumugto sa kakaiyak, ng pusong tinagpi-tagpi muna habang naghihilom pa- lahat ng ayan ay mawawala, hindi man ganon kadali, kahit paunti-unti, pag dumating ang tamang tao, sa tamang oras, tamang panahon, at tamang pagkakataon.

At dahil gusto natin na magmahal ng buong-buo muli sa pagdating ni “the one,” babangon tayo, magpapakabuti sa kung ano man ang pinagkakaabalahan natin, at sisikapin natin maging nararapat sa kung sino man ang nakalaan sa  atin. Ang tunay na pagibig ay handang mag-intay- kahit madaming balakid, hindi ito papadaig sa mga hamon. Dahil sa lahat, ang tunay na pag-ibig ay nakahihigit.

Kaya kahit ano man ang kwento ng puso mo, di ka nag-iisa. Kapit lang, my friend. Iiyak mo na yan, mauubos din ang luha. Magtanong ka lang, kung bakit. Balang araw malalaman mo din kung bakit hindi. I-let go mo lang kahit mahirap. Balang araw, oo balang araw, may tamang tao para sa iyo. Kung ano mang hirap at sakit ang pinagdaanan natin, maaring ipagpasalamat natin iyon. Dahil ang lahat ng hirap, sakit, pagod, luha na dinanas natin, ay siyang daan para makilala natin ang “the one.” Kapag nandiyan na siya, masasabi natin na sulit ang pag-iintay. Kaya sa ngayon, kahit ang status ay single and available, wait ka lang. Mapupush din ang kwento ng puso mo. In time. J

• Para sa lahat ng naniniwala na darating ang one true love, ang tamang tao para sa tin, cheers! The waiting will be worth it. Let’s believe and have faith. J

forgetting, letting go, believing

I wonder why you’re so difficult to forget. When I wake up early in the morning, I can’t help but mention your name, that even in the most random moment of all, I still think about you. I know that I should stop nurturing this emotion because it will bring me nowhere else. Still I am lingering, and truth be told, at the back of my mind, I may still be waiting.

I am aware that I can’t change you- you can be proud, insolent, and aloof. You can be headstrong if you want to, because you believe you are not entitled to please anyone, that includes me. Even I am your close friend, you can be brutally honest, and sometimes, I feel that I am being pushed away, too. Your independence and self-reliance is admirable, but at times, it makes me feel that, you don’t need me to be in your life. That even with me out of the picture, you will survive and you won’t even bother look for me. And that feeling hurts, more than you’ll ever know.

Time can tell when I can finally move on. Maybe that day will come when I can just look at you with fondness and I will just smile at myself for all the foolishness I did back then. I can get impatient waiting for that day when I’m finally free from being enslaved to this feeling, but I learned to wait and to not cover up my feelings because it will still resurface no matter I try to hide. For countless times, I tried to hide what I felt, and pretended that I am okay and have moved on even if I’m not. At the end, I’m still the sour loser, because I can fool the world and feign a smile, but I know I can never lie to myself.

And so here I am still, trying to mull over things. Maybe waiting, or trying to contemplate, or convince myself that it is high time that I refocus my thinking, my vision, or my feelings. It may not be you, after all. Because if it’s you, then love could have find its way to me. I tried to wait and to ask for signs, but there’s none. And I have to admit too, I got tired of it all.

Someday, I know I’ll be over you. And so I have learned, that even letting go of someone, takes time. Wounds do not heal easily and heartbreaks are not that easy to mend. When that person had a special place in your heart once upon a time, surely it will be hard to let go. But we should, because in doing so, we pave the way for the right person to claim that space in our heart. I want to let go without ill-feelings, grudges, and bitterness, because even if it was an unrequited love, I know, I should not hate him. After all, love could never be forced. And as the saying goes, it is better to love and lost than never love at all. I tried to fight for what I feel. But if it’s not for me, I should be brave to face the reality.

Perhaps, this is just a test to my patience and character. Who knows, I may be one step closer to that person who’s meant for me? And so I will endure, even if I can feel my heart crashing inside. Even if it means saying goodbye to the person I prayed for and dreamt for so long, I know I have to live and to go on, even if he’s not the one for me. The best is yet to come, my heart whispers, and I know, I should believe that love is just somewhere out there, this time, waiting for me.

of finding love and waiting hearts

“Hope is the thing with feathers 
That perches in the soul 
And sings the tune without the words 
And never stops at all.” 
― Emily Dickinson

I know one of the most difficult emotion to feel is that when you are lonely and unloved. As human beings, part of our hierarchy of needs is to feel that we are loved and we belong. And when those needs are not met, we feel that we are deprived, we find it difficult to “function” that we end up questioning ourselves and our existence. Questions linger such as “Am I not worthy of being loved?”, “Will I ever find that one?” “Am I meant to be alone forever?” It’s heart-breaking and terrifying. No man is meant to be an island, so it’s instinctual that we look for a companion, to make us feel we are important and to validate our value.

But what if that one person is not yet there? Does that make you less of a person?

I believe not. You are whole even without that someone, because a relationship is composed of two people striving to complement each other’s completeness. In a relationship it cannot be that the other has to love a hundred percent and the other is just half-hearted. One will feel the burden and weight of making the relationship work, while the other may feel that he/she is not doing enough. And so all beautiful things are not worth to be rushed, and is worth waiting for. And when it comes and you already found that one person, value him/her never let that person go. Finding true love is like finding a needle in the haystack, so when you already have that one, will you risk letting that person go, knowing that when you lose him/her, you will have to search the world again?

For some people, it is already there and finding love for them is a piece of cake. It comes naturally. For others, it may seem an endless search, a constant struggle. In the process, a lot were risked and maybe it broke our hearts a gazillion times. The pain caused by the brokenness made our vision clouded thereby doubting if true love still exists. But the tormenting phase eventually passed till we stand resurrected, with our feet stronghold, head up high, and hearts mended. In our hearts, we know, we believe, we are eager and open to find love again, no matter what it takes.

In the end, we all have that belief, that love is something that we should never give up on. The tides may rise and fall, candles will burn, leaves will wither, but our desire to keep the flame of love alive should be stronger than ever. Even if we may be disillusioned and shattered countless times, trying, believing, and working on it should be ingrained in our system. Others may doubt and mock you for the delay. You may also lose faith and belief in the process, but never give up. Even if it pains to wait, even if you have cried a bucket or a liter of tears, even if no one seems to believe in you, or even if you feel that it is no longer possible- continue fueling that hope.

As Paulo Coelho once said “And when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you achieve it.” No matter how long the waiting time is, when it comes one day, it will all be worth it. It may not be perfect, but it will be beautiful and worth working hard for.  The waiting time is no longer as painful and terrifying as it appears to be. Then you can proudly say “I’ve waited patiently, and it’s worth it. I will cherish this and never let it go.”

a step back

You are definitely good-looking as they say.
Smart, with a sense of purpose and direction.
You very well know what you want to achieve in life.
You know that you want to depend yourself and in no one else in achieving your goals and dreams.
And honestly, I admire you for that.
You clearly have the passion in doing your job and you do it excellently.
You have big dreams. And sad to say, I may not be part of those.

Sometimes I wish that you also know how badly you want me to be part of your life.
That I am not just a plaything. Or you would rather take me seriously, than let me go.
Or love me a hundred percent instead of dumping me when you said you will never leave.
Or that you will fight for me even though you've hurt me once.
That you want a chance at love.
That after all that's said and done, it's me that you want- and it's finally clear to you.

But maybe, right now, it's still a no.
Because when you love someone, that person is part of your dreams.
And you chase and go after your dreams.
You fight for it, no matter how hard it takes.
You take the extra mile to make sure that we can work through it no matter what storms there will be on the way.
We will walk and weather them all through...together and hand-in hand.

However, I guess I'm still caught in the daydreaming stage.
Because every time you drop some hints,
there is that flicker of hope, igniting the fire of love, that still burns deep inside.
And no matter how hard I try to extinguish the fire, it's still set aflame.
As foolish as it may sound, the flame, maybe never even died.
Maybe it was concealed, but never put to death.

I'd like to spend time alone...a little bit far from you
Because I don't want to be like a moth drawing itself closer to the flame
I know it will consume and burn me
And if it did, it will kill me, figuratively.
I don't want a heartache coming from you.
So if I can act aloof and wise
I will do it now.
Even if I still love you, I have to love myself too.
And if distancing a little means preventing myself from the pain
and will save me from the agony of hating you and ruining every good thing I like about you,
I will do it.

I want to remember you for all the good that you have.
And not to be embittered by the tears and pain you brought.