a step back

You are definitely good-looking as they say.
Smart, with a sense of purpose and direction.
You very well know what you want to achieve in life.
You know that you want to depend yourself and in no one else in achieving your goals and dreams.
And honestly, I admire you for that.
You clearly have the passion in doing your job and you do it excellently.
You have big dreams. And sad to say, I may not be part of those.

Sometimes I wish that you also know how badly you want me to be part of your life.
That I am not just a plaything. Or you would rather take me seriously, than let me go.
Or love me a hundred percent instead of dumping me when you said you will never leave.
Or that you will fight for me even though you've hurt me once.
That you want a chance at love.
That after all that's said and done, it's me that you want- and it's finally clear to you.

But maybe, right now, it's still a no.
Because when you love someone, that person is part of your dreams.
And you chase and go after your dreams.
You fight for it, no matter how hard it takes.
You take the extra mile to make sure that we can work through it no matter what storms there will be on the way.
We will walk and weather them all through...together and hand-in hand.

However, I guess I'm still caught in the daydreaming stage.
Because every time you drop some hints,
there is that flicker of hope, igniting the fire of love, that still burns deep inside.
And no matter how hard I try to extinguish the fire, it's still set aflame.
As foolish as it may sound, the flame, maybe never even died.
Maybe it was concealed, but never put to death.

I'd like to spend time alone...a little bit far from you
Because I don't want to be like a moth drawing itself closer to the flame
I know it will consume and burn me
And if it did, it will kill me, figuratively.
I don't want a heartache coming from you.
So if I can act aloof and wise
I will do it now.
Even if I still love you, I have to love myself too.
And if distancing a little means preventing myself from the pain
and will save me from the agony of hating you and ruining every good thing I like about you,
I will do it.

I want to remember you for all the good that you have.
And not to be embittered by the tears and pain you brought.

Part 2 of my Crazy little thing called love

I finally had the courage to tell him my feelings which have been kept in the closet for 3 years.

I feel happy that I did that. No regrets. People may judge me for being too frank, especially in our society where women are expected to just wait and make the guy do the first move. But I just crossed the borders and did something which is unexpected of my kind. It's only then that I realized that I am capable of so much, and when needed I can also stand up for myself, and fight for what I want, unmindful even of what others will say. This is not the time to cower on my own shadows and create my own nightmares, because we are the ones who make it hard for ourselves.

I may not get the answer which I really like. But honestly, I've braced myself for that. Right now, I'm just thankful that I've said what I want, and I let go of it already. No more hiding, no more lies, no more pretensions. I'm tired of playing that game. Right now, I can move ahead and go on with life. Moving on with no regrets is what I really wanted. And I'm proud to say, I've got what I want, and all it takes is that one brave act.

His answer was still indefinite. He feels the same, but he's not ready. That is open to interpretation still, but I don't care anymore. It's okay. For now, I'm contented with my lot, that atleast, he has that feelings. I won't demand so much and drag him into something which he is not even prepared to face. I'm not saying that he's finally the one, either. Someday he said he will be ready. If he's not the one, even if it's painful, I have to let go, but if he is, then that's true love and happiness for me.

And this is just what I can do for love- to be brave and to let go of my hesitations, doubts and fears, and even to accept that we may not be meant for each other, all  for the person whom my heart is beating for.


*And all I can say is, thank you Lord. :)
Finally, I'm free!