Part 2 of my Crazy little thing called love

I finally had the courage to tell him my feelings which have been kept in the closet for 3 years.

I feel happy that I did that. No regrets. People may judge me for being too frank, especially in our society where women are expected to just wait and make the guy do the first move. But I just crossed the borders and did something which is unexpected of my kind. It's only then that I realized that I am capable of so much, and when needed I can also stand up for myself, and fight for what I want, unmindful even of what others will say. This is not the time to cower on my own shadows and create my own nightmares, because we are the ones who make it hard for ourselves.

I may not get the answer which I really like. But honestly, I've braced myself for that. Right now, I'm just thankful that I've said what I want, and I let go of it already. No more hiding, no more lies, no more pretensions. I'm tired of playing that game. Right now, I can move ahead and go on with life. Moving on with no regrets is what I really wanted. And I'm proud to say, I've got what I want, and all it takes is that one brave act.

His answer was still indefinite. He feels the same, but he's not ready. That is open to interpretation still, but I don't care anymore. It's okay. For now, I'm contented with my lot, that atleast, he has that feelings. I won't demand so much and drag him into something which he is not even prepared to face. I'm not saying that he's finally the one, either. Someday he said he will be ready. If he's not the one, even if it's painful, I have to let go, but if he is, then that's true love and happiness for me.

And this is just what I can do for love- to be brave and to let go of my hesitations, doubts and fears, and even to accept that we may not be meant for each other, all  for the person whom my heart is beating for.


*And all I can say is, thank you Lord. :)
Finally, I'm free!

crazy little thing called LOVE

I just had another sleepless night.

Kakaisip sa'yo. You know when you like that person so much that you are about to explode? That's how I'm feeling right now. I know it's stupid and crazy. But as always, when you fall in love, sometimes logic escapes (that's not justifiable though). I should not feel this way, head over heels, gaga madness over someone, whom I'm not even sure, likes me back. And while there are also others who are constantly giving me the attention, I'm not enjoying it fully either. Ikaw kasi ang gusto ko. Sana alam mo.

It's possible that you know how I feel for you, but what? You may not even care, because you don't like me. Everyday I'm like dying and I'm struggling. I just want to finally avoid you, but of course it's easier said than done. Mahal kita e. Inaabangan ko pag online ka. Sana magparamdam ka sakin. Nagpapray ako na sana may magandang mangyari, kahit di ko alam ano man yun. I'm always waiting on you. At yung disappointment na makitang parang wala lang naman kahit mawala ako sa'yo, sobrang sakit.

I never thought that loving you (secretly?) will give me this pain. Yung frustration ko ultimate level na. Masakit yung ulo ko sa kakaisip sa'yo. Yung puso ko sasabog. It's not healthy anymore. Obsession na ata 'to eh. Nakakahiya sa totoo lang, kasi parang I am chasing pavements. So the question is, after so many years of waiting for nothing, should I give up already? Kasi sabi nila, the absence of a sign is also a sign. Sign that you are supposed to open your heart so that your eyes can see others who are also of worth. Pero hangga't ikaw lang ang nakikita ko, I'm still stucked on the same platform. Matagal-tagal na din, but the feelings never change.

Sometimes and honestly, I'm tempted to say this to you. So that all the madness will stop. It's a 50-50 din naman. Pag sinabi mo, pwedeng gusto mo din ako, then happy ending; or wala kang feelings, then sorry for me, big ouch. Whichever is the case, both will enable me to move on. Kasi matatapos na yung pag-hope ko na, somehow, you also have feelings for me. That will cut it off. Even if there's an almost 75% chance na, it will hurt me in the end.

Loving someone who can't even love you back is terrorizing, terrifying, and agonizing, but you still choose to love that person. Everything is a matter of choice. You didn't drag me into this situation. Siguro nga dapat nung stage 1 pa lang pinigil ko na, pwede naman siguro yun. Sana I'm not like this na, crazy over you. My heart is really bleeding right now. Sabi ko sa movies lang nangyayari yung ganitong head over heels someone,  hindi pala. Pwede pala in real life. And I know how it feels. One word: Painful.

Sana madali lang mawash-out lahat 'to. When I close my eyes, everything will be okay. The only thing I can count on now is praying, kasi di ko na kaya. Madami kasing mawawala. Ayokong masira friendship natin. You have always been there for me, as a good friend. And when I choose to divulge my feelings, alam ko mawawala yun.

Yes. I love you. But will I have the courage to tell? Not yet, maybe. So I'm still here, bracing myself for that day when I will finally have the guts to tell you how I feel. I only have two choices, to tell you and accept whatever the outcome is, or to avoid you, dahil hindi na healthy for me na nilalapitan pa kita. Di ko dapat ipilit sarili ko sa' yo. I don't want to be unfair to you by giving you stress.

I'm sorry bestie. I promise I tried hard. Madami-dami na din ako naging crush pero ikaw talaga e. But maybe after everything, we are not really meant to be.

Sana one day maging happy din ako, at ikaw. Kahit hindi man ako yun. We both deserve to be happy. I am praying mahanap ko na din yung someone na 'yun. Ikaw man or hindi. This time I'm ready, kasi I can't bear the pain anymore.

So I am here loving you from a distance. And soon, I wish it will just cease...because I can no longer hold on.

just another cheeeesssssy write-up

I just want to be always here for you- through the good and the bad, through thick and thin, even in the darkest of all hours.
I want to be that someone whom you can count on- whom you will share your troubles, rants, and pains and the one to whom you will excitedly update of any good thing that has happened to you thus far.

I just want to be constantly backing you up- never getting tired no matter what.

I will listen. I will be patient. I will be nurturing- as this is a woman's defining characteristic.
I will always be here to affirm you and constantly believe in you, even if you feel that others do not see your worth.

You are the best for me. i just want you to believe in yourself.

Even if you fall, I won't back out, instead I will help you get up and dust off the dirt on your knees. Anyway, my first aid kit is always ready for you.


I will be the best of all friends- someone you can prank on, and I will still endure, and of course laugh at our jokes, stupidity, and silliness.
Sometimes I know I can be slow, dimwitted, and gullible... but it's okay, it's not every day, and if it's with you... I won't mind. We love being crazy and I will forever love you no matter how silly you may be.

I just won't give up. Even if we fight or argue. It is just a test. Sometimes I may create a distance between us, but it is just me thinking and assessing things.

I will always be there, even if sometimes I feel that you don't see me. Even if at times I feel you are neglecting me. 
I shall always be there, waiting on you.


I accept you for who you are- both the good and the bad. You just don't have to be afraid. 

Trust me. I love you. And I always will. 

Even if it hurts to love you at times. 
I will be here for you. Ready to laugh and cry with you. Ready to listen. Ready to accompany you in all your journeys and even on your simple errands.
I am just ready to do anything, just for you and only you.

If you need your space, I will respect you.
If you need time, I will give it to you.
There is nothing that I can't do, because again and again... I love you.

Today, tomorrow, and forever. 
Your name is imprinted on my heart. 
Not a wind can shake. Not a storm can wither. 

I love you for all eternity.

I just hope, that one day...you will also feel the same.
But still and all, my love will never fade. 

love matters

How do you teach your heart to love?
Better yet, how do you teach your heart to forget, to refocus your vision, and to eventually let go?

When I look at you, I know I have found everything in you.
But when every time you tell me that I can eventually teach my heart to love, that eventually I will find him after a series of heartbreaks, and I almost feel that you are pushing me away discretely, my heart breaks and I know I have died inside.

People have told me to learn how to widen my vision.
I may be looking at you for so long, for years, and the long wait, might not even be worth it.
However, it is always easier said than done.
I have honestly tried. But it always goes back to him, and him...again and again.

Right now, I just wanted to give myself a break.
A time to reflect and think about things.
And maybe in thinking over, I can learn to let go.
I can start accepting that we are not meant to be.
Maybe not now. Maybe in time.

I want to fall in love again, to someone who can love me more than I can imagine.
But of course, I don't want it to be forced,
I'd like to love that person, too.
Right now, I can't hear my heartbeat yet.
It's still beating for him....and him....and him.
Wishing he will see me, the way I see him.

For the time being, he really can't.
And I almost dragged my soul to a figurative death.
I have to learn to accept things though.
After such, maybe the right one will come.
And I will no longer chase pavements
and wait in vain for that someone.

waiting...

My love for you is a towering height

Though clouds may dim, I will make light

To find you, even to embark on an injurious journey

I will do with the hope that you will take heed.

I will sit by the sand and the shore

And write your name a thousand times

Because I know the heart never forgets

And loving and remembering you is what I do best.

When the shore is filled with your name

I will go and grab a paper and a pen

To the seas I will send my love across

And make a wish that you will get my message of love in a bottle.

At night as I linger and wait, I shall write my endless feelings for you

As I envision us together in the greatest love story ever told

I will seal it with passion, faith, hope, and the most fervent prayer

Still and all I will believe, it will be you and me, together.

It may be a long, endless, and futile waiting, which may be in vain

But when the heart beats, it knows no one else

And my heart knows and beats for you, and only you.

I may have died a million times in pain and agony of waiting

Yet I know, I will still wait and wait and wait, for you all over again.

 wia

paradise

Starry starry night, twinkling amidst obscurities

And there she was, lying flat in the wilderness

Hiding through the lanky and pliant bamboo and green grasses

The gentle and rustling wind blanketing the serene moment.

Till the bats soar, and the owls cuckoo

Only then she realized that she is not alone

Still in her  inner solitude she mumbles, words she could have lost

In the hustle and bustle of her outside and routinary world.

Now the momentum and tranquillity is one

She stares in the vast darkness and dreams on

As the gentle night hums her to sleep, vanishing her pain and fears

She knows she finally found, her long lost paradise.

dedication

He may not know what I have found

But with the look in his eyes, he completes me

And looking from afar gives the same shivers

As I know it’s him that really matters.

I may not be made whole without him

He has been my heart’s missing link

But I have been groping in the dark so long

And my love is still hanging on a cliff.

My heart longs to seek for answers

As a body which thirst for water, and I hunger.

I seek and long to hear him say

That our hearts are united and with the same rhythm.

Holding on still, on this branch, that I’m almost willing

To let go and die from this everyday hoping

Maybe of nothing, till I drown in oblivion

Loving as an unknown- is ecstatic but full of sorrow.

Still my heart, my world and my universe is his

And should he decide to take a leap

I know I would never let it go

For it’s with him that I found home- where I truly belong.