from afar

Everything is like magic whenever I see you

My heart skips a beat; I can feel it thumping fast

That even if I told myself the feelings are no longer there

It all goes back to me by just one glimpse of you.

And so here I am loving you from afar, over again

Concealing my identity as a friend

Because I know that is what I will ever be

Maybe this friendship state of ours will make me happy.

I wish I won't be half-hearted in saying I'm over you

But I realized that there are just people you can never unlove

Looking at you, I can still feel the spark

And every quick touch is electrifying my very core,

That seeing you sleep on my lap is heaven

I just wish that time will stop for me then

I want to caress your face gently and softly

But I only end up staring at you, again.

Maybe I can never really have your heart

Even if mine was always yours for the taking

Time and again I will admiring you from afar

Loving you in silence, even if it torments

For this is the only way I can keep you, till the end.

I still love you even if it hurts.

But I have to love myself, too.

So I chose to accept what cannot be,

and gradually let you go. 

Dear God

Dear God,

I know I just celebrated my 26th birthday and I'm supposed to be happy. I have just spent my birthday by going out of the country with good friends. I also had a hearty lunch with my family. But still, it saddens me that there's still that pothole in my heart which I do not know how to fill. These days though, I am overcame by loneliness and anxiety, that I do not want to socialize with a lot of people. I'd rather that I be on my own and sort out things all by myself.

Maybe it's because I trust easily and love too much, that I end up hurting myself in the process. I reached out, but sometimes I am never noticed nor heard. I give chances to people who maybe do not even deserve the chance at all.

At this point, maybe it is best to guard my heart at all costs. I bruise easily, and the wound it inflicts cut deep, so for my own protection I have to love and spare myself from pain. It sounds very pessimistic but that's the only way I can protect myself. I want to always look at the bright side and remember that I am loved, no matter what. At the end of the day, though I may feel that I am neglected and unnoticed and unappreciated by some, I'd like to believe there are still people out there who sees the beauty in me.

Someday Lord, I hope I will understand why people came and went away from my life. I know you took them away for a reason. It hurts to trust and to give chance to people, only to leave you hanging at the end.

Yes, Lord. I gave a chance. I just trusted. But if all else fails, I know it's always for the better. Someday, I will understand.

FEAST MAKATI article- FEAST IS FAMILY

When I started attending the Feast Makati Legaspi 2 years ago, I had at least 2-3 close friends consistently attending with me. Even if it was just a small group, I was happy to feel that I found a home, where my heart truly belongs. We would even go hopping from one Feast to another, from PICC, and sometimes to BGC. Then, we started to join Caring Groups too (now called Light Group), and we get to know other attendees in this Catholic Community.

But it was not an easy climb where I effortlessly found myself uphill. Slowly, maybe because of the difference in locations and other priorities, I found myself attending the Feast alone. I would see my former CG mates, but then again, most of the time, it would be me, myself and I. It was a struggle, but I knew that the Feast keeps my life sane, it is my refuge and solace; thus, I had to go on. What inspired me back then was when I heard from our Builder that “those empty chair/s beside you will be filled with friends.” I envision that one day, I will have more Feast Buddies and friends at the Feast. And yes, even if it took some time, I did.

Bro. Randy was right in saying that you may start attending the Feast alone in your first few months at the Feast, but in two years’ time, at least, there should or will be people who will constantly keep you in company. Now, I had no longer empty chairs beside me, for they are filled with friends who will even walk with me till the UV Express Terminal. Thank you for the Feasters I met in the CGs I have been part of, and for the ministries where I volunteered; I have found another Family, my Family in God.

Had I given up a few years back and had I been overcame with doubt, I would not have met these amazing and inspiring friends I have right now. I felt good when a former CG mate complimented that even if my former Feast Buddies are no longer attending the Feast Makati anymore, here I am, still consistent in my attendance and even in service. Indeed, God will never leave you where you are. He will help you pick up the pieces. Thank you God for prodding and pushing me to simply attend and listen to the talks, even if there were times before that I have to laugh, sing, cry, and pray on my own. You have blessed me with not just one person who will keep me in constant company, but even more than what I asked for.

Maybe right now, you feel so empty and alone. If you are attending the Feast, too, don’t give up. The Feast is your family, too. There are a lot of people here who are more than willing to accompany, pray for, and listen to you. With an open heart, smile and also reach out. For in this “happiest place on earth,” no one is ever alone. J

Of All Things New

Whenever the New Year comes, I feel as if I’m closing another chapter of my life’s story. It’s an overwhelming feeling, knowing that you are about to start a new chapter of your life and fill it with more stories. Of course, we have no control as to the unexpected or unpleasant things that might come our way, but we can always set our mind to focus on the good. This is actually what I am most thankful about the New Year, as I bid goodbye to the memories of yesterday, I now have the opportunity to make things right and change things for the better. The New Year allows me to fondly reminisce the memories and to learn from the mistakes of the year that was, and to live with hope and make more dreams turn into a reality.

               A New Year is a New Beginning, which means time to start afresh. We may have regrets and mistakes during the past year, but the New Year is an opportune time to forget the hurt, pain, disappointments, and rejections we had. It is once said that it is not good to bring those ill-feelings as it would hinder the good luck coming our way. True enough, when we let go of all the negatives, we feel lighter and more capable of doing more productive things, which in the end will make us feel good about ourselves. A New Year is another chance given to us to do what we still can- to love, to apologize, to forgive, to let go, to be brave, to explore. It tells us that life is ours for the making, and not everyone is given this precious chance. Hence, we should use this chance wisely, as much as we can.

               Likewise, a New Year is the time to set our priorities and live our dreams. Were there things that you failed to do and give time to during the past year? Were there things that you were not able to pursue? Perhaps, this New Year is the best time to plan it out and fulfill that long live dream of yours. May it be to learn a new skill or hobby, meet new people, find your one true love, travel to more places- this new year is a good time to make it come true. Isn’t it exciting knowing that there is a lot you can actually do in 1 year, 12 months, 366 days? The days fly quickly, so if there’s one thing you have been yearning to do, the time to start that is Now.

               Lastly, a New Year is a promise to Change for the Better. It feels good to know that when we change calendars, we also have that feeling within that we became a better version of our self compared to how we were before. And we owe this change to all the experiences, both the good and the bad, that made us the person who were today. This New Year, we can claim that we are stronger, bolder, tougher, and wiser. And knowing that there are far more better things coming than the ones we left behind, surely, we will continue growing and improving as the days go by.

               A New Year is a New Life which we all owe to God. It is Him who grant us the number of days by which we live and breathe. I hope, that as we all welcome the Year 2016, we all say our fervent prayer of thanks and offering. We give thanks both for the triumphs and challenges of 2015, and offer to God our plans, intentions, and grandest dreams for 2016. Thank you Lord, for this precious chance and opportunity to make the most out of life.  

And as a famous song once said “Today is where your book begins, the rest is still unwritten.” Go ahead. Continue to write your life story with the guidance of God. Happy New Year! Claiming for a breakthrough Year 2016 with all of you!

the most fragile thing

Trust is the most fragile thing

That ever exists.

 It’s a glass that you can throw

And instantly shatter into pieces.

These tiny broken pieces

Are a myriad of things and feelings

Of a love hoping to bloom

Of fear that was kept but now unearthed

Of peace that was now disturbed

And of betrayal and agony that now lingers.

A broken trust is paranoia that hovers

And every word, feeling, person is now filtered.

A broken trust can be a dying of a dream

And the hurt person is not what it seems.

For when trust is gone

Promises not kept are now lies

Faith in humanity slowly dies.

Or maybe a day will come that someone tries,

To wipe that cloud of doubt in one’s eyes.

Piece by piece it will be restored

Though not in its original form.

Slowly the heart is bound to open

Till it’s able to trust, again.

at the moment

"Hi, dear! How are you?"

This is something I have been wanting to ask myself lately.
I know that for the past few days, I have been busy organizing and meeting for an upcoming church outreach activity. It's the best thing to do, to keep myself from overthinking a lot of things.

But when I am at the silence of our home, sometimes, I feel empty.

There's a part of myself, that's yearning for something. I feel that I know what it is, but at the moment, it's out of my grasp, so the only thing to do is wait.

Sometimes, I feel like the tears want to gush from my cheeks. But then my logical self would stop the tears from falling, and tell that I don't need to be such a cry-baby, that I am a grown-up, mature, strong, and wise girl- that I don't have to let my emotions get the hell out of me.

But honestly, I don't know until when I can hold the sadness. The sadness that no one, can ever, never explain.

People would not understand. What do they know, anyway? They feel I am smart, strong, successful. Maybe because I flaunt a smiling and happy countenance, so how would they know?

I have been meeting friends. Lots of friends. I am hugging people that I missed for so long. I have been setting meet-ups with friends I have not seen for quite some time, but at the end, there are things beyond my control.

At the end, I know I have to manage being on my own. I have been trying to enjoy solitude, more so the company of my own self.

Because at the moment, it is the best thing to do.
Even if it pains to wait for a lot of things I have been wishing, praying, and hoping for, I know that if I endured this all, the fruit of waiting will be sweet.

But maybe, just maybe, when I close my eyes and say a fervent and prayer, God will feel the pain in my heart.
And maybe, when I stopped asking, wondering, or cut the longing, agonizing..it will all be given to me.

I am clueless. But not hopeless.
I am afraid. But I won't let the fear get in the way.
Tears are falling, but I won't let them dim my vision.
Yes, I may be sad today, but tomorrow, all will be more than better.

How To Avoid Jerks and Jerkettes

This October, the FEAST had its series entitled "How To Avoid Jerks and Jerkettes," which I believe is very helpful for singles who are praying and waiting for their "One True Love." The talks each week were entitled "Red Light," "Yellow Light," and "Green Light" respectively. Each topic aims to help singles  1)  look into the red flags or what they should avoid in their potential mate, 2) think of questions they should ask to ensure that they are choosing or marrying the right person, 3) and reflect on questions they should ask themselves once they are sure that they found the one. Though I haven't found my "one true love" at the time I am writing this blog, it sure helped me assess how I am as a person. As was once quoted in the talk "Be the person you want to find." To find the right one, you have to be the right person, too."

I wish I can say that finding love is a breeze. Of course, it never is. I was a jerkette, too, at times, I would confess. Of course, at some points, I think I also had that one who got away, and maybe that person hated me, too. Then, I also met a lot of jerks! Rebound, doormat, or the lady in waiting- name it. It wasn't easy to deal with all those heartaches. Countless times I have wailed on my own and in front of a friend. Though it is such a disappointment to feel that you cannot seem to trust anyone, it simply affirmed that "only God can make me feel complete." Perhaps, the moment I learned to let go of my earthly worries and concerns, and lift them all up to God, they may not completely evaporate into thin air, but God will be in control, and all will be better,

My friend once told me that the moment I stopped questioning myself about love and everything that goes with it, perhaps that person will reveal himself to me (through God and the universe, I guess). And he concluded by saying that I will be thanking Heavens for that imperfect man who is just right for me. But where is he? Have we met? What was he like? That questions I wish to answer right now, but maybe, in the right time. "Lahat sa tamang panahon." It is hard to wait and I can get impatient and frustrated especially when I feel the rejection. I would ask "Am I difficult to deal with?" "Am I high maintenance?" "Am I not attractive or beautiful enough?" or "Am I too smart, ambitious, intimidating?" Then sometimes I would tell myself, maybe I should be more quiet and act dumb. At the end of the day, I got tired of asking myself those questions. Instead of fretting and moping on such concerns, I might as well try to be more productive and attractive. Why not? The world is mine for the taking. Well, I can always practice self-love and care, can't I? Who else will do it for myself? No one, but me. So pardon me, if I may seem too self-proclaiming when I say "I am beautiful, I am amazing, I am loved." It's the best way to counter the doubt I have for myself.

But of course,  the Lord has been good to me. Much to my tantrums and cry-baby moments, He has held my hand tight, and I felt his tight hug countless times. I may not see it yet, but I believe, He is preparing the right one for me. All I can do now is to rest and wait. And as I wait, I shall serve Him and be the best that I can be. I shall continue to bloom as a butterfly and reach for my dreams. God wants me to prosper in this time of waiting, and not just simply aimlessly wander to and fro,

Right now, I honestly feel tired. I feel wearied after having been so good enough yet I still do not see the "light."  And it makes me wonder, why in the world should "good people" be treated this way? Will I still find him? Is there still a person someone out there who will accept and love me, for who I am, warts and all?  At times, I would find myself lackadaisical because I feel I am void of love. It's a phase, I guess. Still, I am trying my best to counter the negativities. I may be on my "alone" stage right now, but someday, I know one day, the right time will come for me, too. And even if it hurts to wait, even if at times, I feel like I am falling apart, I won't be ashamed to cry and to run to God, because I know, He will rescue me.

And when I am in God's arms, He will heal my brokenness and wounded heart. Someday, when I least expect it perhaps. Love will find its way to me. Or that right person will find me.

I will wait with all my heart.
I will see you.