at the moment

"Hi, dear! How are you?"

This is something I have been wanting to ask myself lately.
I know that for the past few days, I have been busy organizing and meeting for an upcoming church outreach activity. It's the best thing to do, to keep myself from overthinking a lot of things.

But when I am at the silence of our home, sometimes, I feel empty.

There's a part of myself, that's yearning for something. I feel that I know what it is, but at the moment, it's out of my grasp, so the only thing to do is wait.

Sometimes, I feel like the tears want to gush from my cheeks. But then my logical self would stop the tears from falling, and tell that I don't need to be such a cry-baby, that I am a grown-up, mature, strong, and wise girl- that I don't have to let my emotions get the hell out of me.

But honestly, I don't know until when I can hold the sadness. The sadness that no one, can ever, never explain.

People would not understand. What do they know, anyway? They feel I am smart, strong, successful. Maybe because I flaunt a smiling and happy countenance, so how would they know?

I have been meeting friends. Lots of friends. I am hugging people that I missed for so long. I have been setting meet-ups with friends I have not seen for quite some time, but at the end, there are things beyond my control.

At the end, I know I have to manage being on my own. I have been trying to enjoy solitude, more so the company of my own self.

Because at the moment, it is the best thing to do.
Even if it pains to wait for a lot of things I have been wishing, praying, and hoping for, I know that if I endured this all, the fruit of waiting will be sweet.

But maybe, just maybe, when I close my eyes and say a fervent and prayer, God will feel the pain in my heart.
And maybe, when I stopped asking, wondering, or cut the longing, agonizing..it will all be given to me.

I am clueless. But not hopeless.
I am afraid. But I won't let the fear get in the way.
Tears are falling, but I won't let them dim my vision.
Yes, I may be sad today, but tomorrow, all will be more than better.