the beauty of waiting

There is beauty in waiting, and I thank God for all those years that he made me wait.

As human beings, it is but normal to be impatient and frustrated when things don't go as planned.

But what virtue does God want us to develop as we wait? What is the purpose for our life "delays?" Or maybe it's only us who thinks it's a delay. Probably, God knows that at the moment, that is for the best.

Waiting is not just a test of patience, but is meant to develop our character. A person's true character is not revealed when he has the best things in life. In fact, it can be seen when he has nothing, or is striving and working hard to achieve something. What a person does as he wait tells so much of how he/she is.

Do you see nothing but life's imperfections and missing pieces as you wait? Or are you the type who does something meaningful while waiting. Which one would you rather be? Would you be sulking, complaining, or ranting? Or woud you rather be working, exploring, and trusting on life's timing as you wait?

While it is easy to answer that we will try to be productive as we wait, in reality, it's not as easy as it seems though. There will be days when we will be caught in despair of not knowing what our future holds. It feels like you were stuck in the middle of the unknown, and you are clueless of what tomorrow will bring. But then again, it is just a phase. We could choose to wallow over that sadness, or move on. And when you do, there is no way to go but forward, as we strive to live life with purpose and meaning each day.

Living each day doing what you love does not seem like waiting at all. Instead, it's more like trusting and hoping for the best, wherever life leads you. Doing things with zeal and passion, whatever that may be, allows us to seize the moment and to be fully present in life. And before you know it, time had passed, until you barely realize that you are no longer waiting. For at the end, you are rather fulfilled and happy, that all the good things life grants and blesses you with are just a bonus.

May this song by John Waller inspire us to embrace the beauty of waiting. We may not see it right now, but God sees our good works and gives what is due for his humble and faithful servant.

I will move ahead, bold and confident
Taking every step in obedience
While I'm waiting
I will serve You
While I'm waiting
I will worship
While I'm waiting
I will not faint
I'll be running the race
Even while I wait...

How To Avoid Jerks and Jerkettes

This October, the FEAST had its series entitled "How To Avoid Jerks and Jerkettes," which I believe is very helpful for singles who are praying and waiting for their "One True Love." The talks each week were entitled "Red Light," "Yellow Light," and "Green Light" respectively. Each topic aims to help singles  1)  look into the red flags or what they should avoid in their potential mate, 2) think of questions they should ask to ensure that they are choosing or marrying the right person, 3) and reflect on questions they should ask themselves once they are sure that they found the one. Though I haven't found my "one true love" at the time I am writing this blog, it sure helped me assess how I am as a person. As was once quoted in the talk "Be the person you want to find." To find the right one, you have to be the right person, too."

I wish I can say that finding love is a breeze. Of course, it never is. I was a jerkette, too, at times, I would confess. Of course, at some points, I think I also had that one who got away, and maybe that person hated me, too. Then, I also met a lot of jerks! Rebound, doormat, or the lady in waiting- name it. It wasn't easy to deal with all those heartaches. Countless times I have wailed on my own and in front of a friend. Though it is such a disappointment to feel that you cannot seem to trust anyone, it simply affirmed that "only God can make me feel complete." Perhaps, the moment I learned to let go of my earthly worries and concerns, and lift them all up to God, they may not completely evaporate into thin air, but God will be in control, and all will be better,

My friend once told me that the moment I stopped questioning myself about love and everything that goes with it, perhaps that person will reveal himself to me (through God and the universe, I guess). And he concluded by saying that I will be thanking Heavens for that imperfect man who is just right for me. But where is he? Have we met? What was he like? That questions I wish to answer right now, but maybe, in the right time. "Lahat sa tamang panahon." It is hard to wait and I can get impatient and frustrated especially when I feel the rejection. I would ask "Am I difficult to deal with?" "Am I high maintenance?" "Am I not attractive or beautiful enough?" or "Am I too smart, ambitious, intimidating?" Then sometimes I would tell myself, maybe I should be more quiet and act dumb. At the end of the day, I got tired of asking myself those questions. Instead of fretting and moping on such concerns, I might as well try to be more productive and attractive. Why not? The world is mine for the taking. Well, I can always practice self-love and care, can't I? Who else will do it for myself? No one, but me. So pardon me, if I may seem too self-proclaiming when I say "I am beautiful, I am amazing, I am loved." It's the best way to counter the doubt I have for myself.

But of course,  the Lord has been good to me. Much to my tantrums and cry-baby moments, He has held my hand tight, and I felt his tight hug countless times. I may not see it yet, but I believe, He is preparing the right one for me. All I can do now is to rest and wait. And as I wait, I shall serve Him and be the best that I can be. I shall continue to bloom as a butterfly and reach for my dreams. God wants me to prosper in this time of waiting, and not just simply aimlessly wander to and fro,

Right now, I honestly feel tired. I feel wearied after having been so good enough yet I still do not see the "light."  And it makes me wonder, why in the world should "good people" be treated this way? Will I still find him? Is there still a person someone out there who will accept and love me, for who I am, warts and all?  At times, I would find myself lackadaisical because I feel I am void of love. It's a phase, I guess. Still, I am trying my best to counter the negativities. I may be on my "alone" stage right now, but someday, I know one day, the right time will come for me, too. And even if it hurts to wait, even if at times, I feel like I am falling apart, I won't be ashamed to cry and to run to God, because I know, He will rescue me.

And when I am in God's arms, He will heal my brokenness and wounded heart. Someday, when I least expect it perhaps. Love will find its way to me. Or that right person will find me.

I will wait with all my heart.
I will see you.

I know I’ll meet you, someday J

In the process of finding you, I broke my heart several times. I realized it was not that easy. I stumbled and got bruised and it hurt me so much. I thought wounds will never heal at all. Actually, the wounds are still bleeding right now. But I choose to simply bear them, because I know enduring it will make me stronger. Perhaps I got heartbroken because those who I met were not just meant for me, yet. As cliché as it may sound, the best is yet to come. I’d like to believe that’s you.

I never know if I already met you. I could have happened to bump into you before. Maybe we have been introduced to each other but the sparks were not yet there. Or maybe I happened to tread on the very same path where you always walk. I’ll never know, until I meet you, in the near future.

Nothing is certain, and when we will meet each other, is still a big mystery. But with all honesty, the mystery of it all excites me. I wonder how you look like. I yearn to know what interests or excites you. I want to know your life story- how your childhood and family was like, who was your first crush, how you were at school. I just want to listen to your stories while I stare at you and we snuggle together. I look forward to all our times together with intense anticipation. However, the time may not be now. Not yet.

I know and acknowledge that I am not perfect. There are still a lot I have to work on. And whilst I’m not meeting you yet, I want to use the time wisely because I know it is an opportunity for me to grow in character and get to know myself better. I’d like to meet you when I am most ready- when I know what I want,  learn to love myself, and work on my weaknesses. Right now, I can’t fully say I’m the right woman for you. I may do something which will hurt you, in one way or another.  Someday, I know I will be the right woman for you, and when that day comes, there’s no backing out. It will be the best love story, which happened in God’s perfect time.

I’m walking in faith and trusting in God’s Providence. When all else goes awry, we will realize that we can always put our hope in God. Things did fall apart because things are being slowly put in place. Life is a constant work in progress, and I believe that even if things go wrong, it goes better, anyway. All we need to have is a heart that fervently believes, keeps the faith with love burning intensely. I pray that we will both be strong to endure our heartaches, and get healed in time. So that one day, when we meet, we know we are more than ready to love, again.

I promise not to give up on meeting or finding you. It may be a long and tedious waiting for all we know. We might feel, sometimes, that the waiting seems to be in vain, that we may be waiting for nothing at all. But my heart tells me to trust. A voice inside me tells me to believe, and hope, and just open my heart for that someone out there. When that day comes, we will not experience that pain caused by  heartaches, for we are definite that we already met the one we’d like to spend our forever with.

I will wait for you, for that day, for our love story. Right now, I will learn, grow, soar high, and simply become the best that I can be. I hope you will do the same, too. I pray that you’re excited to meet you, too. And that one day in our future will be the happiest of all, because we know we both waited, and what we have been praying for so long, is already answered.

Your future girlfriend and wife,

Ellen Marie