Feel Your Feelings: A Movie Commentary of "Inside Out"

 "This above all: to thine own self be true, And it must follow, as the night the day, Thou canst not then be false to any man." - Hamlet by Shakespeare

In the society we live in, we are often bound to mask or camouflage our innermost feelings. Thinking that we will be judged, misunderstood, or perceived as difficult to deal with, we'd rather hide the pain or conceal our fears, angst, gloom, or hurts. When asked the question "How are you?", we often response with the classic "I'm fine," even if in reality, it's the other way around. It is seemingly an unwritten rule for us to pretend we are okay, or to carry our burdens deep within, for they will be solved anyway, in the long run.

But even the most optimistic and joyful of all person has its limits and boundaries. And our real emotions will soon find its way out. As shown in the movie "Inside Out," Joy cannot rule over Sadness forever. Yes, for a couple of days, we will succeed in feigning gladness. At one point, we can still muster the courage and feel that we are okay. Yet, when left on our own, and when we try to mull-over things, in silence of the night, what we are truly feeling will finally surface. We may try to acknowledge or deny what we really feel, but either way, no matter how we bottle them up deep inside, it will eventually find its way out. 

This battle of emotions was evident in the movie "Inside Out" when Riley tried her best to show her parents that she is satisfied with their current situation and that it was an easy pill for her to swallow. But moving to a new place, and leaving her hometown and friends was surely a big adjustment for her. However, since her parents somehow expect her to be the usual happy girl that she is, she has to feign  acceptance and full submission to her parent's decision, even if deep inside, the painful reality has not sunk in that much. There was much adjustment to do, and that was not fully processed with her, nor was she prepared for it. All of that was like a roller-coaster ride for Riley, but she has to try to live with what was expected of her, thus, denying or hiding her true feelings.

In the end, Riley knew their new life was not a walk in the park. She missed her hometown, and her friends. But like any of us, she pretended as if she was perfectly fine. Until one day, the bottled up feelings suddenly explode. At this point, we are enlightened that there will come a point that the emotions we bury deep within will reveal itself in time. Until when is it safe to deny ourselves what or how we truly feel? At what point is it safe to say that we are okay? Shall we just smile or pretend that everything is alright, or should we acknowledge that sadness and despair is creeping in, and we need someone to talk it out, to eventually lighten our load?

As the character, Sadness, puts it "Crying helps me slow down and obsess over the weight of life's problems." We often perceive crying as a sign of weakness, but in fact, those who admit that they feel lonely or sad, are courageous enough to admit and embrace their innermost feelings. Nothing is wrong with crying or tearing up over life's troubles. Just as there is thunderstorm and rain, surely life has its share of dark days. What's worth remembering and looking forward though, it that these gloomy feeling has its expiration date. The world is full of binaries, when there is rain, soon, the sun will rise and shine again. When we cry, we cleanse ourselves of the emotions that's burdening us and a way to purge pent up emotions so they don't lodge in our bodies. Our eyes may be dimmed by the tears that well-up as we cry, but we sure will feel that our vision is clearer after the outpour of tears. 

Denying oneself of our innermost emotions is futile because the truth shall always prevail, and as cliche as it is, will set one free. So the next time you feel deep inside that you feel sad, gloomy, depressed, or anything that is tantamount to "not perfectly fine," acknowledge that what you feel is real and worthy of attention and processing. After all, there is a healthy amount of loneliness that's worth mulling over with. Feel your feelings, because in the end, our feelings hold the key to our well-being. "Don't worry. It's okay to be sad. Feel it. Let it out. After that, everything will be alright." :)

twists and turns

Recently, a lot of unexpected twists and turns happened in my life. When all of a sudden I was getting used to my life's routine, something happened, and I thought, it was good. It was sad because I thought life has a way of surprising and telling me that the wait may finally be over, and I finally got what I deserve. But my heart knew it wasn't. And dealing with the painful reality and the stings of my conscience was more difficult than the long waiting time I endured.

Maybe God is not the kind of God who rewards us because we are good and kind. Maybe HE does not easily and readily give up what we deserve. I'd like to think that we meet certain people in our life to break our hearts, to test our patience and strength of character, and to make us realize our self-worth. And for many times that I have been stooping low, maybe this time I did it again. I do not want to question God, though. Though I can't understand His plans for me, I would like to believe that life's twists and turns will always lead us to something better and greater. Honestly though, I'm afraid, that because of that fear, I don't even think that I can easily pray. :(

I don't want to feel sorry for myself, also. And I don't want to feel that I'm always a victim. Maybe because I believe in giving people a chance to prove themselves and that they are worth keeping in my life. Maybe because it's hard for me to say NO. Or maybe because, at the end of the day, I'm afraid of being alone, really, even if on the outside, they see me as an independent woman.

I hope what happened will not make an embittered person out of me, because honestly, I'm afraid of trusting people now. After what happened, I don't know if I can still give a chance to what I have been praying for so long. I'm afraid I don't know if I should try again, or just let things be, or accept that maybe it is not for me. I feel sad, very very sad, and the sadness is profound, but I have to keep it to myself, and just pretend that I'm okay.

I hope life will surprise me with something really good, after this. Something good that will last for a lifetime, not for a short while. :(

To St. Valentine

Dear St. Valentine,

I see lots of couple date on the day of hearts,

And flowers and chocolates are just everywhere,

Girls hold their bouquet on their hands,

And I can just lovingly stare on them.

Wishing I have one, too.

Or better, praying to have that someone whom I can call mine.

And on this day of love,

I don’t want to sour grape or be a bitter singleton

For they say, when it’s meant for you, it will come.

But sometimes, I just feel the sadness, St. Valentine,

And there’s the void and hollow space in my heart.

Yet I still pray to God to fill the potholes in my heart,

And I face each day courageously, even on my own

Even I’m alone.

But I still envision, that one day, that special person dear to me,

Will hold my hand, and tell me he’s there

That all is okay.

And that I will be excited come Valentines’ Day.

Maybe not just on the day of hearts itself.

For when he comes, then everyday will be a Valentine,

Filled with music and flowers in the background,

Even maybe when there is none.

But because we are together, each day is more than special.

I pray that I we’ll meet each other, soon, St. Valentine.

Can you also play Cupid and strike our hearts out?

So at the end, we may both find love?

I am waiting, praying, and anticipating,

That next Valentines Day, he is seated right next to me.

the long wait to forever

I’ve waited and waited so long, in vain

This senseless, stupid, and tiresome waiting got me drained

It broke my heart and lost my wits

But deep in my heart, I know I’d still wait.

Cause isn’t this what waiting is all about?

Sometimes even sitting ages hence,

Even for nothing? Just amidst the busy and passing crowd

Staring…

And maybe with the ticking of the clock,

Just before the heartbeat stops…

It might come to you.

Not in the silver platter or majestic form you might wish for.

As long as it comes,

No matter how dreary and weary the waiting

It is still a dream come true.

painful beauty

Growing up, I was never really the beautiful one. I was labeled as brainy, and kind, but never the pretty nor the charming one. I never had a boyfriend wayback in highschool and college. And guys seem not to see me as someone who they will pursue. I was barely told I was beautiful back then. Hence, I really have a low self-esteem and self-worth.

But years passed and I learned that I can also do something to improve myself. Yes I am smart and kind, but I can also be attractive physically. And so I did learn to work-out and deprive myself of the goodness of food. I also learned to ditch the goody-too-shoes and wholesome kind of dresses. I learned to wear shorts and skirts, sleeveless tops and dresses, low back dresses and blouses so that I might be noticed. I learned to color my hair and apply make-up properly. Thus, I became more presentable, and people started complimenting me as beautiful, pretty, and lovely. I was a flower in full-bloom, from an ugly duckling to a beautiful swan. Yes, I said goodbye to my overweight and ugly self. Finally, I am considered beautiful by most people I met, and some would even say that I am a Maggie Wilson look alike.

Hearing compliments from the people around is really a boost to my ego. Yet, let me tell you that the journey towards this destination is not easy. My body is really on the chubby side so whenever I eat a little too much, I would easily gain weight. And people can easily notice that, too. I have big legs and flabby arms, which is so hard to make firm and smaller even with working out at the gym. Even if I am way too thinner compared to my 38 inches waistline when I was still in high school, I still see myself as “fat.” And I still feel lonely too, especially when people would ask me the status of my love life. Why, that even if I am beautiful as people may say, guys take no interest in me? Then will come the succeeding questions/ remarks/ comments that maybe I speak too much English whenever I am dating, or I have such skyrocketing and impossible standards, that maybe I don’t go out more often, or I am snobbish and hard to please. And in the middle of all those, I can’t help but cry deep inside. Because I know that those are not true. Because I know, that I am doing my best, too, to meet more people, friends, and I am trying to learn new skills so that I will spread myself and not be confined in the comforts of my workplace and home.

Much as I don’t live to please everyone, I get hurt too getting all those from people I meet. Don’t they know that I try to workout atleast 3-4 days a week, with a minimum of 1 ½ hour and maximum of 3 hours? Don’t they know that I barely eat junkfoods, fastfood, pork, beef and rice anymore, because I am afraid to gain weight? Don’t they know that depriving myself of food to eat is killing me already, and whenever I hear people’s remarks about my body parts (legs, arms) and weight, I get shivers and I feel like bursting? When will I stop pushing myself? When will they finally be happy that and tell me that “hey, you just look good and stop dieting “?

Let me just tell you, I get tired, too. I get tired of working out, but I have to go out of my comfort zone and lift all the weights and run in the treadmill and transport because I want to look good and feel good. And just when I am happy with my work out, I will still hear comments about my legs and arms. I will never be perfect, and I just hope that people will accept others imperfections too. And more so, think of the impact that they will make before they will comment on others appearance and weight. For all you know, that is already the person’s best effort. Like me, 4 days in the gym take much of my time. I will have to sacrifice a lot already, same goes with the food that I have to say goodbye to. And to all those who never seem to run out of remarks regarding my singlehood, let me tell you this: I am not in a hurry to be married off. Yes, I want to get married, have a baby, start that family, but I won’t run after a guy anymore just so someone will like me. I am a grown up woman, now. I know what I want and what I deserve. I deserve to be pursued and courted just like any woman out there. And I deserve a person who will accept me for who I am, despite all my bulges, flabs, big arms and legs, and so on.

It all ends up saying to myself that “I am beautiful, no matter what they say, words can bring me down.” People may question my singlehood for the nth time, or continue to lament at my ever big legs and flabby arms, but it’s me. As long as I am doing something to constantly upgrade and improve myself, I will fear not and dread what others will say. Even if it’s a hurdle,  I have to love and accept myself for who I am and even what I am not. Someday, I know, as cliché as it may sound, a person will come to love me despite all my imperfections. And even without him yet for the time being, I know that someone up there already loves me unconditionally. And I will lift all these pain and struggles to HIM, because He loves me for who I am and He is thinking of ways to bless me, I just have to believe and wait.

waiting for the best version of a dream

What sign are you actually looking for?

Last night, I attended a worship service at a Catholic Community that I'm part of. At the end of the talk, I felt like cold water was poured to my whole body, as a resounding "what sign are you still looking for?" was mentioned by the speaker. I can only mutter to myself "Open my eyes, so that I can see." And indeed, maybe, truly, sadly, I am blinded all along.

It is very heartbreaking if we are stuck on the same chapter of our life. Even if they say the only way to move on is to let go, it is still difficult and sometimes, you still wallow in the pain or the trauma of it all. Yes, we want to move forward, but the fear is there. It is akin to a movie being played inside ones head. As the speaker said "if you are going through something, just pass through it, don't linger there for so long." 

And then I felt I was slapped. Real hard. Maybe my head was even hammered.

Am I lingering for so long, that I have been badly damaged and crippled by this prolonged stay?

Is it keeping me from seeing the beauty and promises of life?

Is that NO still painful for me? Did I really learn to move on or let go?

I have to be honest. Maybe, after all, I am savoring the pain. I felt and looked like I was a big pathetic fool.

Yes. We make mistakes. And forgiving oneself is just so hard.

But I realize, I want to live a happy life.

I want to have a better and brighter future.

I know I have been praying for someone, for so long. I may not exactly get what I wanted.

But I want to prepare myself for God's best version of my dream.

Maybe the first thing to do is to be brutal to myself. There are some things, some person that you cannot have. 

The second thing is to wait. Patiently wait. And believe that a brighter future is in store. 

Yes, it's painful. The many big "NOs" are extremely wounding my heart. Up to the point that it made me doubt myself, my worth, my value as a person.

Still, I have to believe. And I have to act with bold faith. "Faith without works, is dead."

Perhaps, all those rejection will lead to a better place and bring the best person out of me. Maybe someday, in the right time, I will be surprised and be lead to that someone I have been waiting and praying for so long.

I know I have been praying and working hard.

Sometimes, most of the time, I feel like giving up already.

Sometimes, I feel so ugly and even envy the people around me.

In the most random of times, I will see myself crying out of self- pity, and would fail to pray because it just hurts so much.

Dear God, You know my prayers. I open myself to the best version of my dream that You are preparing for me. I still await for the YES that you promise to give in the near future. Please increase my patience. Please help me to be more faithful. I don't want to give up. Not on You, not on my dreams. :)

hello world!

It's been a while since I last wrote a blog here in blogger. And with all honesty, I missed writing so much. There are a lot of sensible things I have been doing lately, which prevented me from overthinking. I'm glad I am more able to manage my emotions and feelings (which include my frustrations and fears). God has really been good to me after all these years. Life is not perfect and there sure are plenty reasons to be happy.

I'm glad I found new friends in our church community. I have been used to attending the FEAST on my own- praying and listening to the talk alone..and it's just so lonesome to do that with no one to share my reflections with. Perhaps all those empty chairs beside me was more than filled as I have three regular FEAST buddies, as I call them, namely Marco, Mike, and Louis (and all boys at that! GRrreattt! :0). Thank you, Lord for introducing me to these Godly Gentlemen. I have new friends which make FEASTING more fun. And we have more gimmik days to look forward to. Whenever I feel sad and lonely, I hope having these new friends will remind me that I am not alone. :)

And because 2014 is the year of changes and breakthroughs, I decided to do something which I never thought I will. I recently enrolled at Slimmers' World and I am happy to say I am enjoying my new routine. In fact, working out has become a new hobby for me. I lift weights, do cardio exercises like the treadmill, transport, crosstrain machine, and use machines for legs and thighs. I hope this will help me maintain a healthy lifestyle, which will eventually lead to a fitter body and to lose weight. :) It's worth the price I paid for and I glad I took that chance.

What's next? I just decided I am trying to learn a new hobby aside from working out, and I just went to several appliances to check a convection oven and electric mixer. It's quite contradictory that I am working out and learning to bake (wishing to lose weight and learn to cook), nevertheless, I am just trying to find ways to make myself happy and to be more productive. I have done researches on easy to bake recipes such as cookies and simple cakes, and I am just so excited. Also, I researched on where I can buy baking ingredients and materials such as pans and measuring cups. I want to start immediately if only I have the money, he he! My mom is even very supportive of this new venture of mine. :) I will share my baking outputs once I started. Hope it will turn out great and I look forward that I will love baking!

Also, just today, our program manager told us to do a self-evaluation as part of the process of regularization. Hmmm, just when I was thinking of leaving, this perhaps is something good to think about. I just hope there will be a salary increase, plus benefits (I am keeping my fingers crossed, pray for me!) I just pray that all will be well should I decide a 100% to stay. God is good, and I believe He will provide.

And I just can't believe that October is going to end so soon. Why do days fly so fast? They just seem so controllable and there's no way of stopping them from passing by. Soon, I'll be turning a year older (I'll be 25 years old this January), and I wish that God will continue to bless me and my family. That I'll be healthy, happy, and that I'll be able to inspire and help more people.

I was just thinking, maybe, God will soon grant that one thing I have been waiting and praying for so long? Who knows, 2015 may be the year.

I will be waiting for you. <3 p="">