moving on and on and on

And so my ex just texted me last Monday. Yeah, to my surprise. He was asking how I am doing lately. Though surprised, I still managed to thank him for finding time to ask me how I was.

How am I really feeling right now? So what was his score in my heart? Are there still butterflies and flutters in my stomach whenever he texts me? Oh well, I don't know if this was caused by the break-up or after hearing so many wake-up calls from my friends, I guess the care was still there but the love? 70-30. 70% would be "I have moved on." and 30% I still care about you.

I would not say that I have completely forgotten him, but I guess I accepted the fact that I have to let him go as he is becoming a heavy baggage I am forced to carry. I decided to unload so I can travel light. If I really love him, the best thing to do is set him free so that he can no longer hurt my feelings. And so going back, how did I feel upon seeing his text aside from being bewildered? Honestly, I felt puzzled and quite annoyed. I mean, how can he act so insensitive as if nothing happened, as if he didn't tell me that we'll be okay and then again he'll disappear on me for a month? What does he really think of me? A toy, a reserve force, someone who he can leave and pick up when he feels like it. It's me who can change the way he thinks about me. He has to learn his lesson too.

So what did I do? I finally said that:

It's not okay but I guess that's  okay na din. I  did my best but I guess that's it. Be happy. Find what makes you happy and that's not me. :)) (with smiley, take note). I'll pray for you.

No matter how hard and painful that may be, I guess it's really the right thing to do. Apparently, he wants to go back to my life. But I did not say "YES". I did not accept him, but instead I said I wanted to talk to him in person. He said he will. But I won't wait anymore. After all, he has his pride. And we are no longer into a relationship, so why would he waste his time talking to me heart to heart if he knows he can't get something from me. I guess, that's really it. Period. End of story.

But I guess, I still want him to talk me. And prove me wrong. After all, I wanted to end this up in a mature manner. I need the closure that I deserve. And I want to part ways with him with respect and not with hatred. But should he fail me, I cannot do anything about him anymore. That was a choice he made for himself, not mine.

Christmas single??? No more!

Hail to the Holiday and Christmas season. How may days do we have before that time of the year comes, once again? Here we are again busying ourselves with the endless Christmas shopping and panic buying, as if its the "end of the world." Oh well, seriously speaking, Christmas is always something we look forward to.

As for all the SMPs out there, welcome to the federation! But honestly, this time around, for reasons unbeknownst to me, I really don't know why I'm not fretting this team. Comparing to how I was 3-4 years ago, I always ALMOST cry everytime it's Christmas thinking that "Here I am again, single, lonely, no boyfriend, not even a single suitor or admirer." The year 2012 was really a big turning point in my life. Things do change, though not in an instant, and much as I am certain that I want and need to be inlove, I am not overly paranoid about it. Not anymore.

Maybe because recently someone broke my heart. But well, yes, I decided to let him go (and set him free so I can free myself from the manacles too) once and for all. There's no used to be stuck on the same plane while you're just waiting endlessly for Mr. Paasa. Cris has his own reasons, which I tried to understand. Admittedly there were lapses on my part, too. And much as I regret it, it's too late. Anyways, you have too learn to grant yourself forgiveness just the same. If things did not work out the way you both wanted it to be, acceptance is the sure key. Someone better is out there waiting for me, I just have to believe everyday, and yes, endure and wait PATIENTLY.

So what's there to look forward to this Christmas? Lovelife? It will come, YESSS!!!! Deep inside me, I know I deserve that good guy I am praying for. Perhaps that's exactly the reason why I am excited rather than panicky that the Yuletide Season is coming. I am overly anticipating, and my arms and heart are both wide open for the blessing. Unusual? Yes it is for me to act this way! First time? Yes it really is! I'm glad for the change that's happening to me. And this time, I will take it to heart, I'll do my very best to ward off the paranoid and desperate thoughts.

I'll live a hundred years and do everything that I can to live meaningfully. Deep inside my heart, I know that I have a family to build and take care of, that with my kids and hubby. Whoever he is, I just hope he will know how eager and overly excited I am to finally meet him. Would you believe when I say my love tank is overflowing that I'd like to share that love with someone else? It really is. I am ready to give that love wholeheartedly. I know I will. My heart is telling me it is coming, soon.

Hence, this coming December, I know there are innumerable reasons to rejoice and celebrate. With a happy heart, I am ending this year with prayers and faith that finally God answered my prayer, I just have to believe. I am no longer desperate and doubtful, I know it's here. He's coming. How will I know? My heart will just tell me, and when he's finally there, there's not a moment to loose, as I will never let go.

So to my darling and dearest, see you. I know this Christmas will be the happiest ever. Even if you may not be around during that time yet, I claim it that it will be the time that God will finally give His big YEEESSSS to my prayer.

"And whatever it is that you asked for in Prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours."
Amen!!!